I've never stopped.
Years and years ago now when I was getting clean I felt that if that sobriety didn't stick and I started using again that I wouldn't be able to get away again. Maybe it was some sort of self-fulfilling prophecy, but I started getting back again way back in summer. Not this past summer that was 8 months ago, but the SUMMER OF 2012! Since early summer 2012 I haven't had more than a full week away from heroin (and was on suboxone on the rare non-using day). Over these past several years I've only gone more than 4 days away twice! Haven't gone more than 3 days straight without using in at least 2 years.
I was always the type of person to save money and didn't impulse buy and would barely ever splurge. Considering I started working when I was 13 years old I just always had at least some money. I've been broke for a while now. Not just broke, but in debt and have lost several cool and sometimes sentimental items to pawn shops. Being this broke definitely effects your self-esteem and self-worth in a way that I hadn't fully understood until I found myself in that position.
I have no social life, don't go on Facebook or even want to see anyone I know. I don't have any real friends any more. They've all moved on, literally and figuratively. I'm the least successful of anyone that was in our group. I barely have any "drug friends". It's just me and time is going by. I'm a background character in my own life story.
When I had been starting to get bad again all those summers ago I hadn't really lost much yet. I missed hanging out with a friend before he was going to live in Massachusetts to start a new job. Kind of blew him off to get high instead. Wanted to call him so I could apologize. Wanted to make sure we were still cool and see if I could come up soon and check out bars/social scene in his new town. I never talked to him again though. He killed himself. As far as I know he killed himself thinking that I didn't care about him or didn't consider him a good friend. Had known him for 14 years at that point, met on the first day of 7th grade. He was one of the few friends that I thought I would always continue to see or at least talk to even when we were adults. I always had this dream of us coaching a track team together and becoming a powerhouse program.
I absolutely loved track and competitive running in general. I can't watch it anymore. I've tried, it actually hurts. Since I've never gotten clean since he died I have never finished processing his death. I'm sure there was a number of things that were going on in his life that he felt he couldn't continue. I just am always going to think that him thinking I didn't care may have been one of the nails in the coffin. It might have come among a flurry of other issues, and if I had just gone out and met him that night or called him sooner, it might have been enough for him to not go through it.
When I do occasionally have a few days on sub my sober mind returns. My sober mind thinks its 2012. I can't explain this clearly, but it feels like I had years stolen away from me. I missed the end of my 20s and am in my early 30s now and am every single thing I never wanted to be. Other than my dog I really only have drugs in my life at this point. It's really shitty to actually be a loser. Even if I do get clean I have to deal with feeling like I've been robbed of 5 years and I have to explain to people why I am where I am at this age.
I'm a drain on everyone around me. I honestly don't remember what it's like to not have to worry about getting sick if I don't have drugs or to have multiple nights in a row where I'm not dope sick. I can remember being younger and being happy. I can't remember the last time I was happy though. It's not just the depression, it's the total lack of pride, lack of confidence, lack of any self-worth or self-respect.
TLDR: It's not worth reading. I'm not looking for any replies and I don't want anyone to waste their time reading this, much less responding to it. Just needed to vent
hey man, hope youre doing ok. What you wrote is worth reading and its written very well, I think many many of us can relate but maybe cannot put it into words that well. Youre obviously not stupid and have a high degree of self awareness. We all get so freakin immersed in the sh+t we've dug ourselves into that we cannot see or feel like we can crawl out. IT always helped me to take a step back to see that the chain linking me to dope is shoddy and mostly just a trick.
And Ive never been one for subs, for me its few weeks taper on morphine sulphate IR (I hate just cutting myself off, no reason for it and that stuff slowly wakes me. Cause like youve very well described sobriety, It sucks so much facing all that. All the emotions, the mind racing and telling what a POS you are and how much youve missed all at once almost. It can be too much, its like waking up with a completely different mindset. And after MS IR pills,a week or two of Zoloft (very very low dosage) helps me get balanced.
To gain some distance I try to look at it more like im the main character in GTA and the world is my sandbox. I can do whatever I want, dope isnt a cloud over the whole city, its just a temporary situation I need to leave behind. Its not my faith, its not me, its mostly just a stupid mistake that I can cut out of my life in a flash If i choose to. But while on it, it can seem so big and like its never letting you go. But like things in life, its just a thing subjected to time and the moment you throw away, its swept away and behind you. And its up to you whether or not you pick it up again going forth.
Not sure what I want to say except dont be too depressed about it or even think about giving up. Most of us doing dope have seen people around us come and go, "progress", have kids, get divorced etc... Dont get too hung up on that.
I remember watching an interview with a really famous musician(on that thefix website), If l remember the name later and edit it, who spoke about H and his and people he knew experience with it. And what struck me interesting and its not from an ego standpoint, is how he described people on H. Mostly its two kinds. Those looking to just get trashed and its not just H,who dont really think about it or contemplate their situation much and then theres those who found something in it they were missing. How its usually the more intelligent, emotional people. And how its connected to this society we live in and how those people, the more sensitive ones, spiritual ones, the ones with more self awareness, usually higher IQ, artists, who see the world a little bit more for what it is and are seeking something more are the ones that get the heaviest into H. They cannot find a spiritual way out, its not whats offered today, its not what we as people are today or its very simplified. The see or feel the pointlessness of this kind of lifes we are leading,grasping for things,materialistic and fake societies. Kinda connected with the buddhist "life is suffering" (and I wholeheartedly suggest reading on buddhism). And for those, if they find a way out, they usually become the most evolved, intelligent, strong people he ever met.
Id suggest you that when youre ready to try to get out from where you are and shed that sh+t. You need a fresh perspective. Youre boxed in, too much of a cycle, you need to see how open life and choices are again, how open the world is, how much sh+t is out there. Bio-chemically you might be a little low for a while (which you can mellow out with either sth you find useful or what I said works for me) but just kick yourself a bit. Im sure you can get some cash somewhere, family, or just go crazy and look for a job somewhere far and warm and go. Even if its Barbados. Im telling you that such drastic changes work best cause being in a rut somewhere figuratively and literally is the worst feeling ever.
![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
