TDS The TDS grief/bereavement thread

[deficiT]

I just wanted to share my day. It has been very hard. I was reading about people in my age range, having to struggle with lost so much more often than other generations. Between heroin hitting us so hard and then the suicide rate it’s just been a disaster and if you were in your 30s, I know that you relate. Last year I lost a cousin to suicide. She left behind her child, and she decided to take her life due to a relapse she was very guilty that she was going to put her daughter through hell again. Our family is just kind of trying to Make sense of it still however, it’s been a horrible nightmare today as we found that her brother (my cousin) who had also relapsed was murdered at a motel that he had been staying. Everything is still very confusing as the investigation continues. I just wanted to get this off my chest. It’s a very strange feeling the shock of it all in that numbness. I am currently trying to kick some bad habits myself. I just wanted to end with: I am grateful for a blue light, although I am not super familiar with everybody here over on the forum but the discord family has really been a solid supportive force for me. I wasn’t going to share, but I saw this thread and figured it would be therapeutic. Life is short that’s for sure, so I am hoping that I can make the most of what I have left here.

Thank you for sharing and I'm so sorry to hear of all these tragedies surrounding you. I'll pray you have the strength to overcome, and send lots of love your way.

 

[TJ5]

Welcome to the TDS grief and bereavement thread

I have decided to start this thread after speaking to a few TDSers who are currently experiencing bereavement - including myself. The aim of this thread is to share any useful resources you have found, great websites, practical support, tips and advice, as well as being a place where we can talk about our own experiences, how we are feeling and who we have lost - and hopefully help others too. Grief is one of the most painful and difficult things we can experience in our lives, and it can be really hard sometimes finding help, support and people who really understand, especially when you are in the midst of it all, so I hope this will be helpful..

As I am from the UK I have compiled some UK resources (although a lot of the websites have information which may be useful to anyone) but if anyone has anything they know about in US/Aus/anywhere else that you would like to share, please post in the thread or send me a pm and I'll move them to the right place

UK/European resources

Cruse

http://www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk/

Cruse is the main bereavement charity in the UK, offering support and information for anyone who has been bereaved including free counselling (but with a waiting list which varies from area to area) and local bereavement groups, as well as a listening telephone line run by trained volunteers and email service.
Tel - 0844 477 9400 (9.30am - 5.30pm weekdays, 7pm Mon and Wed)
Email - [email protected]

Samaritans

www.samaritans.org

The Samaritans provide a 24 hour listening/counselling service aimed at anyone who is feeling suicidal, hopeless, or in despair.. so if it’s 3am and you really need to talk to someone, these are the people! I have used them a few times and they are absolutely fantastic. You don't need to be suicidal to ring - they are happy to speak to anyone who needs someone to talk to..
Tel - 08457 909090 (24/7, every day of the year)
Email - [email protected]

The CALMzone

www.thecalmzone.net

This isn't something I have used myself but I have heard a lot of good things about it - it is primarily aimed at helping young men to deal with many different issues including bereavement. There are a lot of good resources on the website and they have a listening line you can ring if you want to speak to someone too.
Tel - 0800 5858585 (Sat-Tues 5pm - midnight)

Counselling Directory

http://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/bereavement.html

A counselling directory to help find a registered private bereavement counsellor in your area (UK only).

Often free NHS counselling is available from your GP (and Cruse) so it is worth checking there first, but there is often a long wait and services vary from place to place. Private counselling isn't always cheap unfortunately. I found a very reasonably priced counselling service with trainee counsellors through my local University – they are all final year students and it is a lot cheaper than private counselling usually is, so it is worth looking into! If anyone is in the Bristol, UK area and want to know the details of the service I use, send me a pm

Bereavement Services Portal

http://www.iccm-uk.com/

Help with the practical aspects of registering a death and arranging a funeral etc - it can be almost impossible to deal with this side of things when someone dies as you are in such a state of shock, so this is an extremely helpful website.

BBC Bereavment Resources

http://www.bbc.co.uk/health/emotional_health/bereavement/

Really helpful website from the BBC with loads of info and resources on bereavement.

National Association of Widows

http://www.widows.uk.net/

Not just for widows - this organisation is for any women who have lost their partner - I have joined despite not being married to Dave! They offer information and local bereavement groups plus a forum on their website (there is a small joining fee)

Booklet from the Department of Health on sudden/traumatic death and suicide

http://www.dh.gov.uk/prod_consum_dh...@dh/@en/documents/digitalasset/dh_4139007.pdf

Online booklet from the Royal College of Psychiatrists on bereavement and what to expect

http://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/mentalhealthinfoforall/problems/bereavement/bereavement.aspx

Bereavement forums

There are LOTS of these, and there isn’t a specific one I have found especially helpful – they all have different styles and approaches, but can be a really good way to help yourself feel less isolated and to speak to people who understand – you can find many by searching google. If I find a particularly good one I’ll post it here, but right now all I need is TDS, counselling and my friends

Finally, don't forget to see your GP - they can be an excellent source of support and can signpost you towards any useful services in your area as well as helping you to access psychiatric services if you need them.

***more to be added later***


The rest of the thread is for talking about whatever you want to talk about - tell us all about who you lost, talk to us about how you are feeling, share anything you have found useful, have a rant when you are having a bad day and hopefully we can support one another. You are welcome to contribute if you have not been bereaved yourself, of course, but please remember that people who have been bereaved have been through something incredibly traumatic, and everyone responds differently - there is no right or wrong way to grieve and some of the emotions we experience can be difficult for others to comprehend. I hope this will be a competely non-judgemental and supportive space

Thank you for this thread. I first came to BL in 2001. I did drugs until 2013, so I was here a lot during my drug years. I got clean in 2013 because the US takes a punitive view on addiction, so I went to jail. I have always felt close to my mom, even when we were pissed at each other. Mom was with me for 59 years, although we didn't always live together. I was raised an only child and I don't have any children, so I have a small family and mom was a huge part of it. There were very painful times in our relationship, while other times she was my biggest cheerleader. Anyway, I lost mom on March 7 and of all the deaths I have experienced, she has the biggest impact on me. This death was sudden. I got a call from the doctor wanting permission to put mom in a coma to reduce brain swelling and 3 hours later she was dead. So not only that, but I'm still in her house which eventually I'm going to lose because I am low income. She left me the house, but the bank still owns it and I've always been a piss poor earner, which means owning a home has always been way above my pay grade. I try not to dwell on this too much, but I feel like losing her house is like rubbing salt in a wound. I just feel this oppressive sadness. I see a therapist once every other week. I have started Reiki therapy and I attend NA once a week, but this still hurts and there is nothing I can do about it. I am continuing to go to college and working on my undergraduate degree in hopes of eventually earning a livable wage. Because I was doing drugs at the time mom wrote her will, my uncle is trustee of the estate, which sucks because I've been in recovery for ten years and don't think I need other people managing my money. In fact, mom asked me to manage her money since Jan 29, which I did. The bank closed her account so I can't pay household expenses. Right now, a lot of things simply suck.

 

[deficiT]

Thank you for this thread. I first came to BL in 2001. I did drugs until 2013, so I was here a lot during my drug years. I got clean in 2013 because the US takes a punitive view on addiction, so I went to jail. I have always felt close to my mom, even when we were pissed at each other. Mom was with me for 59 years, although we didn't always live together. I was raised an only child and I don't have any children, so I have a small family and mom was a huge part of it. There were very painful times in our relationship, while other times she was my biggest cheerleader. Anyway, I lost mom on March 7 and of all the deaths I have experienced, she has the biggest impact on me. This death was sudden. I got a call from the doctor wanting permission to put mom in a coma to reduce brain swelling and 3 hours later she was dead. So not only that, but I'm still in her house which eventually I'm going to lose because I am low income. She left me the house, but the bank still owns it and I've always been a piss poor earner, which means owning a home has always been way above my pay grade. I try not to dwell on this too much, but I feel like losing her house is like rubbing salt in a wound. I just feel this oppressive sadness. I see a therapist once every other week. I have started Reiki therapy and I attend NA once a week, but this still hurts and there is nothing I can do about it. I am continuing to go to college and working on my undergraduate degree in hopes of eventually earning a livable wage. Because I was doing drugs at the time mom wrote her will, my uncle is trustee of the estate, which sucks because I've been in recovery for ten years and don't think I need other people managing my money. In fact, mom asked me to manage her money since Jan 29, which I did. The bank closed her account so I can't pay household expenses. Right now, a lot of things simply suck.

I am so sorry for the loss of your mother. Financial issues compounding that truly makes it more difficult. The pain truly never leaves, but each day, the burdens we carry lessen. They still slice through at times though. Know that this means you experienced a great love.

Do you maybe have a friend or anyone that could live with you and help you earn enough to afford the rent/mortgage at the house so you don't lose it?

 

[TJ5]

I am so sorry for the loss of your mother. Financial issues compounding that truly makes it more difficult. The pain truly never leaves, but each day, the burdens we carry lessen. They still slice through at times though. Know that this means you experienced a great love.

Do you maybe have a friend or anyone that could live with you and help you earn enough to afford the rent/mortgage at the house so you don't lose it?

I do have a renter, but it is not enough. The only way I'd be able to keep this house is if the finance company let me keep the reverse mortgage that my mom had, which means no monthly house payment. Thanks for the kind words.

 

[DesertHarp]

About 10 hours ago, I found out that my brother was discovered deceased by the local police. Neighbors got worried that they hadn't seen him come out of his place in a while. They called police, who got into his place and discovered him lying lifeless on the floor. They said there was drug paraphernalia near him. He was mainly into alcohol and weed, but he dabbled in other stuff.

He was estranged from everyone in our family, by his own choice. A few months ago, a local hospital called me to say he was in their ICU. I rushed over there, but he told me to "Go away." I've been worried about him ever since. I didn't try to contact him again because I knew he would get real angry, if I did.

I can't say that I'm shocked. This was kind of predictable. He was on and off the streets for years . . . in and out of jail for years . . . in and out of rehab also. I wish he would have let me help him. He wouldn't.

I'm alone. The rest of my family is thousands of miles away. I should hear from the coroner's office tomorrow. I believe he was very lonely. I'm sorry for how painful his life often was. That's over now. I wish things could have been different. I'll always wish that. I'm posting this because I have no one else to talk to tonight. Even though this was foreseeable, it's still hard to realize that he's gone for good. He thought no one cared about him. That was so not true.

Thanks for listening.

 

[Lil'LinaptkSix]

I was just told why I am being reassigned "clients" my last friend entered hospice and this equates to a death to come.
He needs a heart and lungs replacement but won't make it til then and he says f that anyway.
He asked what to do and I replied this is rhetorical and yeah he knew it.
Just on my mind, is all. Guess we all go at some point.... But this rust belt has its own inherent health issues from my observations.
Sad, really. MO.

 

[AlphaMethylPhenyl]

Grief. Plenty of that. Had a family member die all of the sudden from an aneurism.

Usually people grieve in different ways. Can't say how I did it, or how I'm doing it, but she'd want me to go on, so that's what I do.

 

[DesertHarp]

My brother was found in a motel room, dead of a methamphetamine overdose. I've been busy making final arrangements. Now that's just about done. I've been looking at photos of my brother when he was young and strong and looked happy. For hours, I've sobbed.

I tried to help him. I want to go back and try harder. It's too late. I loved him. I think he believed no one cared about him. I tried to show him over and over that I cared so much. I guess I didn't get through.

I feel like I failed him. I know he kept making really poor decisions. I want to go back in time to when we were kids together. I want to go back . . . and, somehow, make things better. What foolish thoughts! There's nothing I can do now, except bury him. My insides are aching.

 

[Asclepius]

You didn't fail him, by any measure. Am sure the love you have for him, will help you heal through your grief. Don't doubt your love for your brother and please, don't let despair or, doubt interfere with your core well being, as you try to get through the heartbreak, of this loss.

 

[DesertHarp]

You didn't fail him, by any measure. Am sure the love you have for him, will help you heal through your grief. Don't doubt your love for your brother and please, don't let despair or, doubt interfere with your core well being, as you try to get through the heartbreak, of this loss.

Thank you for replying. It means a lot. Being alone today was hard.

 

[AngelsandFairiesarereal]

I’m so sorry @DesertHarp
Gentle hug

 

[Lil'LinaptkSix]

My brother was found in a motel room, dead

I am so sorry I go through this myself and dare not look back to the "bad" memories of what I could have done or not have done; I do remember our "good" times we have been through, though.
Hoping peace finds itself in you soon, yeah?
That is all ... "sorry".....
Sad to me, really. I hate loss.

 

[DesertHarp]

I am so sorry I go through this myself and dare not look back to the "bad" memories of what I could have done or not have done; I do remember our "good" times we have been through, though.
Hoping peace finds itself in you soon, yeah?
That is all ... "sorry".....
Sad to me, really. I hate loss.

Thank you. It helps for someone to say they know this kind of loss.

My sisters and my brother and I used to all be best friends. There's no turning back the clock.

I need my family to show me some warmth. They'll probably try to be nice. I just better keep hopes and expectations low.

Maybe I'ld be wise to keep this visit short. Once I get back home to my place, then I can go back to what I was working on. That was me finding things to participate in here where I live. I spend too much time alone.

This state of mind has me feeling awful tired.

 

[DesertHarp]

I am so sorry I go through this myself and dare not look back to the "bad" memories of what I could have done or not have done; I do remember our "good" times we have been through, though.
Hoping peace finds itself in you soon, yeah?
That is all ... "sorry".....
Sad to me, really. I hate loss.

Thank you. It helps for someone to say they know this kind of loss.

My sisters and my brother and I used to all be best friends. There's no turning back the clock.

I need my family to show me some warmth. They'll probably try to be nice. I just better keep hopes and expectations low.

Maybe I'ld be wise to keep this visit short. Once I get back home to my place, then I can go back to what I was working on. That was me finding things to participate in here where I live. I spend too much time alone.

This state of mind has me feeling awful tired.

 

[DesertHarp]

Thank you. I'm better than I was.

 

[AngelsandFairiesarereal]

Thank you. It helps for someone to say they know this kind of loss.

My sisters and my brother and I used to all be best friends. There's no turning back the clock.

I need my family to show me some warmth. They'll probably try to be nice. I just better keep hopes and expectations low.

Maybe I'ld be wise to keep this visit short. Once I get back home to my place, then I can go back to what I was working on. That was me finding things to participate in here where I live. I spend too much time alone.

This state of mind has me feeling awful tired.

Take extra good care of yourself once you get home, be gentle with yourself
Hugs

 

[DesertHarp]

Yesterday, grief felt awful bad, but I know this is something one has to go thru after someone you've loved dies. It will resolve eventually.

I now have anxiety about this trip. My last two trips to visit family did not go great. I want to hide in bed and not go anywhere. But I will go.

It's after 2 p.m. I want to take a bath and a shower. I'm having a hard time making myself do that. I just want to go lie down again. I am depressed.

 

[Lil'LinaptkSix]

Yesterday, grief felt awful bad, but I know this is something one has to go thru after someone you've loved dies. It will resolve eventually.

I now have anxiety about this trip. My last two trips to visit family did not go great. I want to hide in bed and not go anywhere. But I will go.

It's after 2 p.m. I want to take a bath and a shower. I'm having a hard time making myself do that. I just want to go lie down again. I am depressed.

No one says you have to do anything, right?
Sleep time I look forward to as an escape from the madness. What i do not like is waking up.... This is not suicidal ideation (unless its passive) just love sleep.
Do what you feel is right for you to come to terms with this loss.
My SO (almost 30yrs) has by proxy saved lives and gives hope to some. I will lose her one day and I will try to focus on where we grew she will live on in me and from me to others. Losing my brother really broght loss to light even though I had been around death a few times previously. Saw it as my enemy ever since.
There really is nothing to say imo just be easy and remember the good if you think of it. Please.
Peace

 

[DesertHarp]

No one says you have to do anything, right?
Sleep time I look forward to as an escape from the madness. What i do not like is waking up.... This is not suicidal ideation (unless its passive) just love sleep.
Do what you feel is right for you to come to terms with this loss.
My SO (almost 30yrs) has by proxy saved lives and gives hope to some. I will lose her one day and I will try to focus on where we grew she will live on in me and from me to others. Losing my brother really broght loss to light even though I had been around death a few times previously. Saw it as my enemy ever since.
There really is nothing to say imo just be easy and remember the good if you think of it. Please.
Peace

Staying in my nightgown all day just crying and crying only made me feel worse and worse. I say that tears honor the person who is gone. I'm okay with feeling grief. I don't think my sisters are this upset over my brother. That's okay too. I'm the oldest, so I have more memories. When he was 3 and I was 4, we shared a full-sized bed. He would ask me not to turn away from him, but lie facing him, so he could see my face. He often felt insecure.

Years ago, he fell off a wall when he was drunk and hurt his back. His first night in the hospital, I said I would stay with him. After he fell asleep, I went out of the room to find a visitors' bathroom. When I came back to the room, he was awake and furious that he didn't know where I had gone. He had such insecurity. It tended to lead to him having anger problems. I would never abandon him. Still, he never got convinced that I cared. I try to console myself, thinking that he may be at peace now. I wish I could talk to him.

 

[kris66]

I am sorry about your brother. I know the pain is very personal. My older brother committed suicide last July. He was having some health issues and the Dr started him on Ambien. We think that contributed to it. He had never had a problem with depression in the past.

I took a "Death and Dying" psychology course in college and had an awesome professor. He used to be a grief counselor. One of the things he told us was, "the only way to the other side of grief is through it." He also said, "It's what that particular event meant to that particular person in that particular moment of that particular person's life." We really can't know what someone else is going through.