I honestly wouldn't care if I died tomorrow. I'm probably gonna die slowly of liver cirrhosis or lung cancer anyway at the rate I'm going smoking tobacco and drinking liquor.
I know the liquor is no good for me but I'm at the point where I'm staving off symptoms of GAD and bipolar disorder by numbing myself as best as I can. I don't know if any of you have bipolar disorder but I'll drown in a bottle before I feel all the pain that causes me. It's fucking hell.
Bro I often feel the same way. What is the point, and yeah I don't think 30 bong tokes a day is that healthy either. My liver could also very well be fucked. If it gets too bad well I had to go in sounds like you did already. Fuck what is up with this shit eh, like why can we not feel normal. I remember having a sleep schedule, noticing if I skipped breakfast and lunch. I had a massive alcohol problem before I got on benzos and ever since my first benzo I put down the bottle for good. Been drunk like 5 times in 5 years, never again.
I am on a real taper now. I came clean about everything. The taper I am on is pretty brutal to start, but it's still long term and according to the Ashton manual. Just, the starting dose is too low (it's still way, way higher than I would ever expect to get walking in there... I thought the psychs were about to kick the door down waiting there... seriously)
I waited for the one person in the entire medical profession who I trust. I chose trust and mutual caring over specialized professionalism which would have treated me like junkie scum. I had to fuck off every other avenue and take a risk to make this happen. I knew who was willing to listen, and everything has been chill. I get a lot of klonopin but it's still not enough for me to just quit the short acting ones. This is something I can and will be bringing up in the future. I don't even know how this happened, but it is no longer something to be ignored. I am under very close watch, every few days. No drug testing though. That's how good I have it, doctors are very hard to come by who know what they are doing. I am done with all other drugs anyway though. MMJ is fine, but the kpins eventually have to go and I should show initiative and well be doing this anyway by getting into therapy too.
Prob be chilling out a lot more now was about to lose my mind. I still have to switch to long acting ones and like my doctor knows this is going to take a really, really long time.
Overall it is a good plan. It took a hell of a lot to figure out. I had a lot of really, really smart people thinking for me because those two weeks of withdrawal left me in a weakened state. I could not think for myself. It is a small victory, to have a reasonable dose of a long acting benzo after being addicted for so long. My doctor was so nice though. Firm as well. I can't fuck around with this taper but it isn't 24mg xanax to 8 for fucks sake.
That dose would knock most of you out for 24 hours or longer and it is still at most half of what I actually need so I know that this is not a solution. The important thing is I am now connected with the medical community and someone I have been 100% honest with. That way if anything happens, they are not going to leave me hanging like someone who never tried and was, well, basically a lying junkie for years and have been forgiven of this. But this is seriously the last straw. I gotta get my shit together like come on man what am I doing with my life? This was all meant to be I trust I am exactly where I should be in life right now, as is the case at every moment, but come on where's the fun at? Over the horizon I guess.
