Positive The Tapering Supportive/Social Thread

[ShroomySatori]

You too. I am so confused about these benzos now, ever since I began to take valium once daily, 10mg. I used to take like 10 of those at a time well yes 100mg three days in a row so that isn't really using it as prescribed.

Now lately I keep passing out when the normal xanax dose kicks in and waking up essentially when I was planning on taking it again. I keep passing out, so much, like the sleep is good I guess but I am confused.

I know that valium builds up in the body and it takes like 200 hours or something to get rid of half of it and it takes a month for it to build up to a stable amount on average.

Do you think it makes sense that since I was dependent on long acting benzos for so long (either valium or klonopin, and I didn't need a short acting benzo back then I took more of these since I had money and they were way cheaper before "xans" became popular for some reason) and have not been using them daily for the first time in 6 years this year - that, I am passing out after taking xanax without really tapering much because the valium has finally started working?

If that is true, I have about twice as much xanax as I thought I did when my tolerance is adjusted for. I will find out in the coming days as I cut my dose in half keeping valium the same. It's just the equivalent doses don't match up at all I take so much fucking xanax that when all of a sudden I feel like I need way less of it, it's just weird...

But I remember Valium taking a long time to start working when I was first prescribed it. The drug is abusable but I started taking it like that because well I felt starved of it or was low on them and pretty much had to. I am beginning to see why I was sleeping so much, then so little, back and forth over periods of a couple weeks.

My benzo habit and it is very complicated. It is extremely high dose and long term, and so many benzos were used. Just wondering if you think the valium could really help that much, it hasn't been a month yet but a few weeks of using it like this.

I'm just really confused. I don't want to die. If my tolerance is that much lower to the xanax I can drop my dose by half, like if I'm falling asleep all of a sudden. It's just like it wasn't even enough anymore but I am beginning to realize that it is the dynamics of the xanax. I can take so much of it, and still 6 hours later start feeling withdrawal. The question is how much is safe to reduce well I think that I am already paying attention to my body. I don't think this would have increased my tolerance it hasn't been long the sleeping stuff and I can take 10mg valium a day indefinitely. That isn't the problem here. I take way more xanax than is equivalent to that. So much more that I'm confused how 10mg valium could help at all or even feel it.

How are you doing today? I'm kind of sad that it is over. Well, I am sad in general that I am addicted to this stuff. That valium should be enough for my panic attack disorder eventually. I'm just really confused how it could help so much or maybe I am deluding myself. I'm so nervous about running out with this heavy of a tolerance and if it was heroin I'd totally well do something but here it's like playing chess any move I make in the medical world could haunt me for the rest of my life or even result in my death because they could try to treat me cold turkey with other meds and with the number of bars I take a day I wouldn't stand a chance realistically.

I know you always have recommended that I take them the prescribed way (it's just hard not to abuse them when I get them, because I can't even feel them for like 2 - 3 weeks otherwise) but I don't know this would be a Godsend if I could take like half the xanax and only have mild to moderate withdrawals or just stop falling asleep and feel the same. It would save me so much money and generally stabilize my life and also with a lower tolerance there is such less risk of running out. I cannot afford this either. It has to stop. I'm just really wondering about the valium I think that it's a very different drug and that helps explain this maybe. Or maybe I don't actually need less xanax and I just took more lately but it just doesn't really build up like that and I'm too tolerant to it.

 

[ShroomySatori]

I just read that it takes 1 full week for the dose of valium to build up to the max level in the body when taken daily.

Once this max amount has been reached, then the metabolites will stabilize. Valium breaks down into several other benzos over a long time, each with a different duration of action. One of them, this nor-diazepam, is stronger than valium itself (I think I notice this, valium peaks randomly like several hours later after wearing off). It takes 2 weeks for these other benzos it breaks down into, to reach full effect after the first week that valium takes to reach full effect.

Because it just really isn't all that understandable why my tolerance randomly got so high. I used to take 40mg valium a day, when I was working. I didn't need short acting benzos. I shouldn't be using them for chronic anxiety. I still feel the interdose withdrawals they are just "toned down" it seems.

I will leave this up to the stars today? Seems like a good idea to me. I don't have to do anything drastic today and I can only do so much. I will take one third the xanax I normally take and so far so good apart from muscle clenching but I don't seem as bothered by it. I don't know.

This is so confusing I cannot use logic here and I am trying to. The equivalent doses don't match up for so many reasons. Xanax has it's own differences too it is not like they are the same drug and they are used very differently. So it is also possibly the mental health issue being treated by the wrong drug but yes I am wondering if it is actually possible I could be in less withdrawal because that means I have way more xanax than I think I do and it would not presently be an immediate threat to my whole entire life.

My intuition is good I think it's the valium starting to work and it takes so long for that to start working and I'm scatterbrained that I didn't really notice until now what has been going on since I stopped abusing it and started letting it build up like that a few weeks ago. I just do not think 10mg would help all that much in this case, but I guess it does. I'll have to leave it up to the stars and to God. I am really sad that I did this, fucking panic attacks got to my head and I love myself, my life, my family I do not wish to leave. It's a dangerous situation in any case to be in but yeah I'm just really confused about something that could be very helpful or all in my head.

 

[Painful One]

Well...I think the depression has a lot to do with things. I have been sleeping a lot. I feel really tired and just wiped out.
I'm taking the sleep! It has been awhile since I could sleep this much and I'm tired!
The sleep helps to clear up the major depression incident's too.

My best advise would be to listen to your body. Sleep when your body wants sleep. If you don't feel like you need such a high dose right now, then take a bit lower one and see how it goes. You can adjust as needed. I do think taking the Valium as prescribed is really helping because you have that underlying protective foundation layer that keeps you stable. That is your stability.

Don't over think this. As long as you have some benzo's in you, you are not going to go into seizure withdrawal,
Just keep it comfortable but don't overdo it.

Chill, relax, and try to take it easy. Don't worry so much.
You are going to be okay.

 

[ShroomySatori]

Thanks. I am calming down from a panic attack. A really bad one and not a normal one it more felt light headed like I was going to faint and I could not feel my extremities and felt like I was about to leave my body.

Any way you look at it this is going to be hell. It is not a typical benzo addiction this has been going on all day every day for 6 years beginning with raw xanax and etizolam powders after I was cut off a two month script and my tolerance is extreme now and has been for a long time.

All my money is gone. All my connections are gone, every one. I am beyond the point of medical assistance that is anywhere near safe. I am better off with my life in my own hands at least for the next one or two days.

It's serious okay. I've been going through what I think is the beginning stages of death. My life has been flashing before my eyes, everything, memories at a rapid pace. So much has happened, it has been wonderful. Despite the health problems and how I was never really satisfied not understanding the opposite sex I still really enjoy life and would have a bright future if it wasn't for this. If it was heroin I'd go to rehab. Something is going to happen but what, when they wouldn't even know what to do with me. It's a different country if there was real help available I would be racing over right the fuck now. It upsets me that I could get on suboxone in like a day and that is the crisis. There are so many treatment options for that and this is just like oh you ran out now you die. They would treat me with meds other than benzos instead of tapering and it would kill me with my extreme tolerance.

 

[dopiejay]

Hey all I haven't been back here in a bit. Caught up wit the holidays. I got a song to break your heart if u been addicted to something.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=NACMpkxm-fA

Idk how to put it in the proper way :/ it's a song about heroin addiction by Benjamin tod. Give it a go.

 

[dopiejay]

Thanks. I am calming down from a panic attack. A really bad one and not a normal one it more felt light headed like I was going to faint and I could not feel my extremities and felt like I was about to leave my body.

Any way you look at it this is going to be hell. It is not a typical benzo addiction this has been going on all day every day for 6 years beginning with raw xanax and etizolam powders after I was cut off a two month script and my tolerance is extreme now and has been for a long time.

All my money is gone. All my connections are gone, every one. I am beyond the point of medical assistance that is anywhere near safe. I am better off with my life in my own hands at least for the next one or two days.

It's serious okay. I've been going through what I think is the beginning stages of death. My life has been flashing before my eyes, everything, memories at a rapid pace. So much has happened, it has been wonderful. Despite the health problems and how I was never really satisfied not understanding the opposite sex I still really enjoy life and would have a bright future if it wasn't for this. If it was heroin I'd go to rehab. Something is going to happen but what, when they wouldn't even know what to do with me. It's a different country if there was real help available I would be racing over right the fuck now. It upsets me that I could get on suboxone in like a day and that is the crisis. There are so many treatment options for that and this is just like oh you ran out now you die. They would treat me with meds other than benzos instead of tapering and it would kill me with my extreme tolerance.

You aren't dying man it's the anxiety speaking. Trust me it's how I feel too when I'm having a panic attack. I had a panic attack the other night, got super sick and couldn't get out of bed thinking of everything from my high school sweetheart to dying. I had myself convinced I had sepsis (wtf right) and that I was about to be rushed into the hospital.

I been losing my mind since they took my meds away. Just got my refill and it feels like someone threw me a sinking liferaft after being lost in the ocean for a week. It's my last refill. Please god let me get off this shit.

 

[ShroomySatori]

Yeah I am slowly quitting the drug. I had panic attacks for over a year every day. That is no way to live for that long, so I started doing H, dilaudid, oxy, and raw alprazolam or etizolam. Those panic attacks are now border lining on seizures with these fucking benzos it has actually made them very fucking dangerous and like you say they are not before I could have taken fucking CBD and been fine. I'm fucked. Please God, man I just say the same thing. This isn't heroin withdrawal like how can you even say that? But it's true. I never, ever was this bad getting off opiates. The feeling yes but it was chill, like I knew I wasn't going to die. Now that is up in the air as I take a lot of bars.

I keep imagining my life without the drugs but all I see is extreme anxiety and chronic physical agony. Unless it is memories before I got messed up of days long gone when I felt human. I gotta taper down to something reasonable though, I don't find benzos addictive like opiates are or even weed like I just mean they can't cause euphoria just relaxation for me. But they ruined my life most of all somehow.

I just had a big scare. It's still a scare. I'm really low on all my meds and in survival mode. Survival mode. It's so stupid. I could have avoided this by being more responsible. Good luck to you I pray all the time and this has to let up at some point I constantly feel like I'm dying except I was like that before. I will have to learn to live with it. I will definitely tell my doctor and family if I have to like I'm at that point. I can't hide the benzos like I could with the opiates anymore it takes too much out of me when I'm dealing with trying to learn to live without opiates.

I am an absolute train wreck today holy fuck. I woke up at 3am and schemed. Scheme scheme scheme cause I need drugs and not everyone is around. 3 day supply, then the only option other than killing myself is to tell my family I have a huge drug problem like easily way worse than any drug I have ever done in my life by far no contest, and that the doctors don't really understand how to treat it and I might die. And of course to go straight to my GP for an emergency visit. That is what I have been doing thinking everything through in case something goes wrong and I should be okay with the benzos I get my prescription soon but I could also very well be fucked. I'm really nervous but something changed over the holidays. I was suicidal for like 10 years and I just know I'm not anymore because I came so close to death at such a beautiful time of year I can't leave my family behind. In particular, my family. It is worth it to stay alive for them even if I amount to nothing at all.

I lost tens of thousands of dollars this year to this habit. I think that is enough. I have been addicted for over 6 years now it's fucked. At my worst it was 12 xanax bars a day, 3 bars 4x daily. I feel like I recovered quick from opiates but this is different. I wish I had known I never ever would have taken a benzo.

I am extremely anxious today to the fucking extreme. I don't know what is going on because I'm taking my normal taper dose. I think the last couple of days really took a lot out of me and I chose family over weed so I have like 20 bong tokes to catch up on. That may be why I am so anxious while I was sorting this shit out and until I have a stable benzo supply I can't really be that stoned it's life or fucking death here. I am committed to surviving I just can't do this to my family for so many reasons but it's like I already did I am not giving up it's a one man army versus 10,000 though. I'm just totally fucked and I know it. It makes it worse to think about it but sometimes I have to I mean I should be well in advance of my supply like before but getting off opiates like I haven't been able to work and before that after many years of addiction I was unemployable as well. It is hell. I cannot focus on anything else right now. I don't think it is possible to quit I think it is possible for me to stabilize on a reasonable dose though while maybe getting some sort of serious treatment. I wouldn't really mind a psych ward if there were cute women there and good food, if they let me have my pot and dye my hair. There is a lot to think about as I feel that I am finally actually losing my fucking mind to the point that it is interfering so much and with so many other people as well that I am simply no longer functional and I am going to have to come to some sort of middle ground here and it's probably not going to be pretty. Nobody knew about my 6 year heroin habit well I guess that's when it started I've been clean a while now from that at least, oxy took longer to quit, like it was weird the drug inherently makes you naturally hide it from people without even trying at least my preference sniffing but shooting too at the right dose. Nobody ever found out but everyone knows something is wrong at the moment. I do too. I'd go to rehab for sure if this withdrawal was not capable of killing me and like I said at my worst it was 12 bars a day. That is death territory. I have a lot to think about because I could get completely fucked over by doctors as well and well wouldn't be surprised in this country.

 

[ShroomySatori]

Had to vent about that shit. You know it is the fuckin devil. Okay enough said, I am gonna taper with etizolam again now that I have a valium buildup. I am used to tapering with that one better.

I am doing okay though I just had to vent about my situation I mean it can be terrifying at times and I don't even really know how I got here but I just took so many benzos I hate to say it but I really did. I really did take so many of different ones that I have long term effects to look forward to for the rest of my life.

I'm so upset with myself. I should have tried natural remedies for panic attacks but they were just so extreme no psych meds were even working until I got a xanax. I'm stuck on this one the pre-existing anxiety is so extreme and it makes me spine flare up when I drop my dose, I want to be on a low dose though that would be something a doctor would prescribe that is reasonable. It just sucks to be in this situation it's ruining my life but at least I am trying, I've felt like shit all day today. I think it must be rebound anxiety from using a little more the past couple days when I was around people more.

This has to stop, one way or another it will. This cannot get any worse than it is and I can't stay where I am so I must run for freedom. The seizures freak me out like you just don't know when you could have one. I've been abusing this stuff for so long. It's a miracle nothing bad started to happen until this year but that is why my tolerance is so high I took way way way too much during that time period. I hope that I can heal enough to function it's really frustrating that I can't right now at what should be the prime age of my life.

If I want to quit, I won't be able to function for a while with this stuff. I can stay on it and be stable and good, but nothing lasts forever. I have to get down to a safe dose like 1mg etiz a day or something with the valium.

 

[Painful One]

Hey all I haven't been back here in a bit. Caught up wit the holidays. I got a song to break your heart if u been addicted to something.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=NACMpkxm-fA

Idk how to put it in the proper way :/ it's a song about heroin addiction by Benjamin tod. Give it a go.

That is a very sad song.
I hope you are not feeling that low. D.J.

Here's a song for ya~ it's my sad song but with hope and it lifts me up in that low of a mood.
Give it a go

https://youtu.be/ryGCAruMu2o
Queensryche "The Hands"

 

[EPL1]

Wanted to pop in and say I'm thinking of all you guys and I sincerely hope all of you are enjoying (or at least surviving ; ) the holidays.

Much love and support to Shroomy, Painful One, Squeaky, DJ, UncleJay and everyone else on this thread.

Happy Holidays and Happy New Year to each and every one of you.

Hugs,
your friend,
Ash.

 

[ShroomySatori]

Still in these benzo withdrawals, hope you are enjoying your holidays as well.

I passed out after my afternoon dose and skipped (accidentally) my evening one, immediately slept after cleaning my bong and a heavy toke.

It throws the taper off when I dose off schedule like I did just now (so annoying if I am asleep for a dose, like who wants to dose at 2am). This keeps happening, so annoying.

It is so annoying to miss a taper dose, and disruptive.

Last thing I remember is cleaning the bong and taking a really heavy hit, there was another delicious shrimp thing I made cooling down on the counter. Like a pot pie but with Argentinian shrimp and zucchini and stuff, spicy, so good. Still sitting there.

I feel better after that toke I had right now. I've been up for over an hour waiting for my lungs to feel up for it. At least the bong is freshly cleaned, it's hard to sesh upon waking up the same. I am definitely going to have a few more tokes, my tummy needs them and I feel pretty dead inside.

 

[dopiejay]

That is a very sad song.
I hope you are not feeling that low. D.J.

Here's a song for ya~ it's my sad song but with hope and it lifts me up in that low of a mood.
Give it a go

https://youtu.be/ryGCAruMu2o
Queensryche "The Hands"

Fuckin loooove queensryche, u got good taste.

And sadly yeah I can relate a lot to that song i posted. Pretty much the story of my life

 

[ShroomySatori]

if i'm suffocating, it gives me air

yeah I liked that song not typically what I listen too the skull on shirt reminds me a bit of my tattoo, I just clicked on that after smoking bong at 8am and the solo in particular blew my mind and the badass part after the solo lol. I'm too stoned to know what I'm doing was typing and clicked the link.

Anxiety and paranoia today the usual woke up having a panic attack seem okay now having weed and coffee, I slept for 12 hours with a 2 hour weed sesh halfway through so great.

So today I was looking at a week of increased hell. I mean, hell to the point that I'd have to skip shifts from being paralyzed by anxiety and in benzo withdrawal delusional. Something is going to happen soon I'm thinking through how to go about this it is a serious life decision but I know that I can only taper so much on my own this is going to require A LOT of professional, medical help and health care here is shit so I'm just tapering down as much and as fast as I can while I figure that out. That's the feeling I am getting or something bad could really happen I mean I could die either way but I can only do so much at this point.

That being said a valium grab saved my ass. I fucked up getting xans and to be on the safe side I would have had to spend the weekend in bed. I'm withdrawing as I write this, starting to. Fuck. This isn't really about scoring drugs like obviously it is, but I am still consistently tapering and suffering benzo withdrawal on a daily basis just not constantly. But enough to be driving me up the wall. But I have the valium to substitute for my next dose unfortunately I'll have to get more to stay taking it daily but it is a blessing to get it today. A true blessing as I otherwise would have been fucked and terrified all weekend of running out cold turkey. So, surviving. I was in total survival mode today and had to get the health care system involved and they actually saved my ass so I shouldn't talk so much shit about them I guess. It was a lot to ask too and nobody gets valium anymore because this is sort of what happens after several years, rather predictably.

 

[NorthernGirl]

Shroomy, my friend.. I can feel through your words that you do really want to make a change and lower your usage.. & ultimately get on a stable daily dose .. which I think will be of a huge benefit to you..
it's a new year my friend, and the best time to make a change.. Make a plan and commit.. Im working on one for myself too
I believe in you and know you can do it! ??, Best wishes my friend and Happy New Year!!

 

[ShroomySatori]

Happy near year northern girl. I have been in withdrawal all day again, something has to let up. Even at the peak doses I still feel like shit and am useless and bedridden.

The panic attacks started and now there are no benzos to fall back on which makes things difficult. The anxiety is so extreme and was before I started taking these for so long and now it is dangerous as well.

Good luck with your plan whatever it may be, scheming are you, well this is how it was with H for me. I started having supply and finance problems and spending most of my time in withdrawal. I kept it going for a little while, but not for long because it was hell. This is simply no longer worth it. If this was a terminal illness, I'd end my life. It is not, though. The detox is hell. I'm probably not going to get away with it this time, if I have a seizure I would lose my license and all sorts of stuff, I'm going to have to talk to my doctor which I really don't look forward to doing, and realistically there is no way to avoid the seizures and terror attacks at this point but the only other option is guaranteed death at 30.

I will make it through, but I sense that family, health care, rehabilitation, possibly many different organizations and support will be needed to keep me alive while tapering and for the rest of my life. Thanks, I feel like I am preparing for war. It really is life or death, a fatal seizure would be like getting shot. There is only so much I can do even with medical support. I would like to have a life I worked hard for one and our country is good I am only setting myself back here and would like to contribute and believe that I can a lot. But, this withdrawal is relentless. If it was heroin again I would have hope. It is really hard to find hope right now and also hard to plan but I do have a plan of my own and fallback plans. It is very different than what I've been doing and should be much better. At the moment I am in survival mode and that is it. I need to ensure I don't die.

May your blessings each day be the ones you need most, and in the haven o' God's heart may you be held close.
-some Celtic thing I like those sayings.

 

[Painful One]

A www Shroomy, I'm so sorry to hear you are in benzo withdrawal again and having such a hard time.

I just want you to know I am pulling for you. You are in my prayers.

I think it is a good idea to get some medical help at this point my friend. Really. This is getting so dangerous for you and so miserable all the time. There has to be something they can do to help you manage this situation better.

I hope you can get some sleep tonight. Don't forget to eat too.

 

[dopiejay]

A www Shroomy, I'm so sorry to hear you are in benzo withdrawal again and having such a hard time.

I just want you to know I am pulling for you. You are in my prayers.

I think it is a good idea to get some medical help at this point my friend. Really. This is getting so dangerous for you and so miserable all the time. There has to be something they can do to help you manage this situation better.

I hope you can get some sleep tonight. Don't forget to eat too.

I gotta agree with you here painful one... if a doctor doesn't know how to help you shroomi then a rehab does, they see this all the time. If you are really scared for your life then maybe you should take a drastic measure and have a stay in a rehab. They know what they're doing. My buddy just kicked a Years long benzo and alcohol habit (among many, many other things) in a rehab.

We're pulling for ya dude. Benzo withdrawal is hell. I'm going thru it right now and it is fuckin hell. I just want to string myself up on a goddamn rope. I can only imagine how you must feel... not Tryna sound preachy or anything but get help dude. Maybe you need rehab.

 

[ShroomySatori]

Painful one aw thanks by the way for reminding me to eat! I did have two meals yesterday but I'm awake all night so I'm probably getting thinner. Fuck. That being said I am starving and just had a banana and grapefruit juice and want another banana now. I don't know what to do yet except nothing impulsive, or drastic quite yet. Thanks you 2, the benzos got me well the panic attacks did well the chronic pain did etc etc. but it resulted in this. It is a few minutes to 5am and I have not yet slept, tinnitus in my ears constantly, I don't think I am going to be sleeping for a while. I don't know what to do cause I have a shift in a couple days. It is a confusing time. I will have to get to work fast, but not until I get some sort of sleep. I take my taper dose at 5am but I don't think it will be enough to sleep. The valium I got is really just keeping me alive on lower doses of xanax, I am not getting any more relief. I bought myself time, that I am now messed up staying up all night and probably crashing tomorrow for. I am also switching to etizolam asap it isn't as good for anxiety but it doesn't sedate me like this like people are noticing I'm in some way wasted at times if I take too much, or empty stomach or lack of sleep combined with them. It is to the point that I believe a family intervention is in the works.
Nobody should have to suffer this much and it is not one thing it is so many things my whole entire life so I have a lot to figure out and I'm still recovering from opiates and with the natural anxiety at its absolute worst I don't really think it is a good time to get off benzos but I do have to reduce a bit at least on my own for the sake of finance and security of health. It's too expensive and dangerous and when I have a career again I just need to find the self esteem, I still haven't yet, but when/if I do, that is all I need and I will be able to afford to taper myself off using valium and basic math. I can have as many valium as I want laying around legally so I'd do a single buy, do some math and taper. 5% of the dose every 2 weeks even if it takes years that is the best way, otherwise you get brain damage severely. If I had a good career like before it would be that simple, would take a couple years but that is the real plan right there. It might not pan out, might be too late for that. I didn't recognize how serious this was as I was so caught up in the other. I wish I could have quit the benzos first but I didn't have self control about taper doses and stuff the same way with opiates I was obsessed. Now I am just plain obsessed with getting this under control it has ruined my life.
The real problem is the anxiety here. I have had it for a very long time and it turned into a terror disorder. It's still there and worse than ever before. I was never able to handle it that is how I got so addicted and well using for so many years. I just feel like my life is over. I feel like everything is ruined. Girlfriend long gone, thought we'd get married. I know she's messed up from it and that hurts me but she hurt me too. It was so fucking good with her before the drugs took over and that was more near the end. Career destroyed. If I had gotten my shit together we would be married by now and own a lovely traditional country home of sorts. The money for that house went up my nose, like I could have bought the fucking thing up front with all that money. I could go on and on but I have to find self confidence somehow and I can't. These are all problems I had before. I have no idea how I got away with this for so long but usually at this time of my life I would have already been forced into jail or rehab or whatever the fuck. I just don't know how I got away with it for so long and nobody noticed a thing, or people were just happy that I was for once in my life seeming to be happy. And denial. It's not a good thing because I'm already starting my career like 8 years late and I still have to recover. I am so strung out over this I didn't realize that on Tuesday I will have been clean of the opiates for a year. That was obviously extremely hard to do with chronic pain especially. But for what. Time will tell, I could die next week or live a reasonably long and cheerful life.

I finally took a xanax. Skipped 2 of them. That is sort of dangerous I mean when the valium wears off a bit more I could be in really serious withdrawal. I don't know. The other reason I am not sleeping is because I just don't know how much time I have left to be awake. I am doing my best and promise if anything happens and I disappear, that I didn't mean for it to be that way. I am a responsible man dealing with irresponsible actions from before the age of 25, which is supposedly according to a psych when guys typically stop making stupid decisions or feeling like they are invincible. That was pretty much the age for me, a little earlier because of the drugs. Painful One though keep in mind we need to hold onto our good looking appearances. You know as much as I do that it helps us get by. If I lost my looks I mean because like everyone thinks I'm much younger than I am but in a good way, they are shocked at my age in fact, but it is good. I am realizing that I could easily lose that and look as strung out as the next junkie, I'm no different except I want to stop very, very much. I just sort of mean that all I need is that inner radiance and also I put a lot of effort into my health so to lose that and also get less attention from chicks would really suck. It would suck cause like what if I went back and had track marks all over and stuff my self esteem would be fucked and it already is messed up. It also helps, in my case, keep the habit a secret because I am one of those you would never guess until you hang out with me 3 times and realize I am actually crazy. I hope I get at least a little relief from that 5am dose it was half an hour ago after grapefruit juice and nothing yet.

 

[Painful One]

Shroomy,

You are not crazy. People who are really crazy think everyone else is crazy and they are just fine. The fact that you often say that you are crazy proves you are not crazy. Isn't that crazy?

My friend, you keep going in circles here. You know what has to be done but you keep binging on the pills when you get a supply that is supposed to last. You said you had enough to make it through the holidays and it was the day after Christmas that you were in withdrawal again. You need some help with medication management. Either a family member to give you the daily dosage or I have heard of safes where they only open at a certain time and give you the exact amount of medication you need.

I am in agreement with you that you do need some of this medication for severe anxiety but taking the amount you are using is causing you more anxiety. You are in a vicious cycle. I believe there are other things they can do to stabilize your mood better and manage the chronic pain too. The chronic pain is where a lot of this problem is coming from. It has to be managed.

I really do hope your family is planning an intervention and soon! You need some help with this.

Benzodiazepines are strong medication! I am sure your speech is very slurred at times but you are not hearing it. That happened to me on benzo's. Three Valium a day had my speech all slurred out and I didn't even realize it.

It alarms me that you are talking anout going back to the etziolam. You just got off that horrid research chemical! You were saying how much better you were feeling on the Xanax and how much less you could take.

You need to really think about this. I think you need to see a pain specialist. There are medications they can use to help control these problems.

 

[Painful One]

I gotta agree with you here painful one... if a doctor doesn't know how to help you shroomi then a rehab does, they see this all the time. If you are really scared for your life then maybe you should take a drastic measure and have a stay in a rehab. They know what they're doing. My buddy just kicked a Years long benzo and alcohol habit (among many, many other things) in a rehab.

We're pulling for ya dude. Benzo withdrawal is hell. I'm going thru it right now and it is fuckin hell. I just want to string myself up on a goddamn rope. I can only imagine how you must feel... not Tryna sound preachy or anything but get help dude. Maybe you need rehab.

Benzo withdrawal is hell dude! I'm so sorry you are going through that too! I never imagined benzo withdrawal would be that bad because it didn't seem to me that the benzo's really did much for me. I never felt them very much. I remember thinking my God, this was not even worth that little bit of anxiety relief!

Keep on going through it D.J. You will come out the other side. It does get better slowly but surely.
You are in my prayers also. I hope you can kick those Devils and get feeling better soon.

Take care of yourself brother!