Positive The Tapering Supportive/Social Thread

[dopiejay]

Well it turns out that all of a sudden my girlfriend AND my buddies hate me and i don't even know wtf I done (although it was probably something)... FUCK my drunken self and FUCK Christmas...

 

[EPL1]

Well that just sucks jay. Sorry. Hang in there though, maybe it isn't that bad. Find out what you did first. ; )

xo

Here for you,
Ash.

Well it turns out that all of a sudden my girlfriend AND my buddies hate me and i don't even know wtf I done (although it was probably something)... FUCK my drunken self and FUCK Christmas...

 

[Squeaky]

Brando..... so are you only quitting h because you suddenly became unemployed, and you plan to go right back when your next paycheck starts?
I hope not.
You have to change your life or you are guaranteed to go back to your old life. It happened today. It will happen tomorrow. Throw your iphone in the trash and go get a new number or they will keep calling. Addicts are persistent, and they show up with cash.
Stop now.

 

[Brando4194]

You don't have to tell them and they never have to find out for it to break their heart dude. You're breaking your own and that would break theirs. They likely sense something is wrong. I got away with it somehow, but I didn't. Best to stop before it becomes a lifelong problem that affects every aspect of your life.

You?re absolutely right. I think they mostly have an idea that something is wrong. If I continue my life will go down the gutter and i will be looking back at it like ?Wtf did I do? but when I fix it I can look back
And be like holy shit I can?t believe I did that but I?m glad I got out. I feel like I have gone through some horrible shit in my life that would make most crumble. So I just have to be tough and kick this addiction in the teeth and move on. I think the hardest part will be dealing with the long term boredom and depression

 

[Brando4194]

Brando..... so are you only quitting h because you suddenly became unemployed, and you plan to go right back when your next paycheck starts?
I hope not.
You have to change your life or you are guaranteed to go back to your old life. It happened today. It will happen tomorrow. Throw your iphone in the trash and go get a new number or they will keep calling. Addicts are persistent, and they show up with cash.
Stop now.

Thank you guys for the continued support! I will try and return the support to you guys if there is anyway I can and I will continue posting to let you guys know if I pass or fail.

I have wanted to quit dope for over a month strongly and before that it was in the back of my mind. Losing my job is a relief in a way because now I finally have the time to kick this habit without the worries of having to call in sick for a period or of time or no show and get fired. I make enough money selling dope to not have to pay for it so this is not the case. Although, my buyers want to quit too and the are always unsuccessful. I know that now is the time to quit because I will likely never have this much free time to do this again.

Thank you I know I have to change my life and I know it will not be easy and I take to heart what you said earlier. I know the boredom is going to sink in big time along with all of the terrible withdrawal feelings but this is something that I have to learn to overcome. Hopefully, the benzos can ease this feeling at the beginning at least. I hope that I do not have to change my number. I have had this number for 10 years now but if I do have to do this I will. God, that is a scary thing.

I did my last does close to 7 pm tonight and I have been basically sleeping since then. The anxiety about the whole thing is starting to creep in again. And I still have a small stash left which I am scared I will use. Strength is the key here I think and the knowledge that the pain from withdrawals will only be temporary are what is going to save me. I never want to be dependent on Heroin like this again. I started shooting dope about 11 months ago and that is when this all started. For about a year before that I started doing painkillers. I would sniff them, chew them, and smoke them. Then I turned to H. I started to smoke that for a while and for a while it was just once and a while. Then it became a habit. I?m sure you guys all know how it goes. I thought I knew better than everyone else and I would always have control. Of course, I didn?t and I fell down the hole of addiction just like so many. The thing is o quit smoking heroin cold turkey a few times. I was very hard for me but I managed to do it. I had a few months of sobriety in between. But now with the needle it is just a whole another level. The anxiety is ten fold the pain from withdrawal is much worse as well and without suboxone I don?t think I could get off of it. Luckily like a pack rat I have been saving as much suboxone as I can for this day, benzos, and gabapentin.

One thing I am worried about is taking benzos too many days consecutively. I don?t have much experience with them or know much about them. It seems to be hard to find much research on the matter. I?ve heard you can take them for 2 weeks straight without suffering withdrawal. I?ve also had a friend who said he took them for months and stopped and had no problems (he?s a bit of a liar) so idk whether to believe that or not. My plan is to take them for a week tops. Hopefully less.

I will keep you guys updated and I am truly appreciative for the responses. Even if none of you care I will keep posting because this is a great feeling for me to get it off of my chest. After I get stable in a few days I plan on going to a few meetings.

Merry Xmas everybody! I will be missing my family this year and I know some of you will as well but stay strong. Our lives are worth more than one Xmas.
I know I have to step into the gates of hell and fight these demons off. Once I get started I don?t plan on quitting until it?s over.

Maybe someday I can use from time to time very briefly but that is not an option for a while. I think why this lasted so long for me is that I function very well at it and I have other pay for my habit. Anyways just rambling now. peace I?ll keep y?all posted

 

[ShroomySatori]

Thank you this is something that was good to hear myself, and so far boredom and depression are problems for me. You can really mess yourself up though especially with long term use. They are life threatening drugs as well. I would like to focus on what is important in life and that isn't drugs. I'll have to keep on some sort of benzo for my mental health at this point but I have to ask myself why did I subject myself to so much abuse? It's a deep question, to peel away at like layers of an onion. You'll find yourself exploring those as you quit.

Cold turkey worked for me though if you are actually serious about quitting (you'll know when) and also getting away with it because it's better if they never know it was heroin. It makes them feel like they fucked up somehow, themselves. If you are in too deep though like that's another question to ask yourself. I was on the brink I was going to die and had started OD'ing this was like 6 years in though. It takes a while but it will get you.

 

[Painful One]

Brando4194- we really do care about you here! You can do this!
Two years of using opiates will not be nearly as bad as years and years of using opiates.
The withdrawal gets unbelievable!!

I have been using 75 mg MS Contin for 12 years due to chronic pain and severe injury.
I had bad withdrawal but I could still function mostly. It just sucked really bad.
But now, after 12 years of using the MS Contin- the withdrawal feels like organ failure. It is SO fucking painful and I'm just realizing that I am totally dependent on this medication now.

I have always used it as prescribed too. With the exception of running myself short a few times here and there. I did extremely well for 10 years, I never had even an hour short on medication. These last two years I have been having worse pain and have been having a hard time keeping my medication stable. I am keeping it stable though because this last time I ran out for a day and I was so sick and in so much pain. I didn't think that was possible to feel that bad from withdrawal!

Go back brother! Stop while you can. The withdrawal from two years of using is nothing compared to how bad it can get and will get if you keep this habit up.

Using the suboxone sounds like a great plan. That should keep you from suffering too much. I don't have any experience with suboxone but many others do over in the "Sober Living" section. They will help you over there to figure out when to take it and how to taper yourself off of it. Then you will be free and clear to enjoy your life without this horrible problem.

We are all here for you! We are cheering you on!

 

[ShroomySatori]

I think the valium is partly why I feel better because I have been taking it once daily and it is helping me to manage this panic anxiety more steadily and to taper the short acting ones.

How are you today painful one, I made crepes for breakfast and am low on fruit, no maple syrup so made a pineapple puree was delicious. I have amazing uk cheese herb, an energetic strain until I smoked too much of it. I don't know what to do with myself now, it's still early in the morning though. I am tired after eating and haven't had any coffee. I have a problem with early awakenings a lot, I have been having odd dreams lately.

I hope you have a pleasant day Ash, and hope you are well Squeaky. I am beginning to see how bad this chronic pain messed with my life. It messed my life up and it was an accident. Wishing you pain free holidays. I always used to stockepile painkillers from about the 10th to the 1st, it's not a fun time of year to be feeling pain.

 

[Painful One]

Well it turns out that all of a sudden my girlfriend AND my buddies hate me and i don't even know wtf I done (although it was probably something)... FUCK my drunken self and FUCK Christmas...

Oh man, that sucks!
You just need to apologize and tell them you are in Benzo withdrawal and are having problems from that.
You are sick.

I hope they give you a break and forgive you and all is well.
That is the last thing you need right now!

Sending you a big hug!

 

[Painful One]

I think the valium is partly why I feel better because I have been taking it once daily and it is helping me to manage this panic anxiety more steadily and to taper the short acting ones.

How are you today painful one, I made crepes for breakfast and am low on fruit, no maple syrup so made a pineapple puree was delicious. I have amazing uk cheese herb, an energetic strain until I smoked too much of it. I don't know what to do with myself now, it's still early in the morning though. I am tired after eating and haven't had any coffee. I have a problem with early awakenings a lot, I have been having odd dreams lately.

I hope you have a pleasant day Ash, and hope you are well Squeaky. I am beginning to see how bad this chronic pain messed with my life. It messed my life up and it was an accident. Wishing you pain free holidays. I always used to stockepile painkillers from about the 10th to the 1st, it's not a fun time of year to be feeling pain.

Hi ShroomySatori,

It is great to hear you are eating well again! Your breakfast sounds delicious!
I have not had much of an appetite but I am at least eating one good meal a day now.
I was having a hard time eating anything for awhile there.

I am also having early awakenings. I hate that! I need my sleep!
I was also having lots of strange and vivid dreams but those have mostly gone away.

My pain level is getting better. Still not under control but it is getting there.
That female problem was really painful on top of everything else. I was really hurt badly last week.
I'm recovering from all that now and hope to have a nice Christmas Eve and Christmas Day!

I'm looking forward to seeing my daughter and all the little kids and family.
I am trying to get in the holiday spirit. I'm going to makes some holiday rice crispy treats.
The kids love those. I'm going to make them really colorful and cool shapes with sprinkles on top and stuff.

I'm trying to keep myself more busy to keep my mind distracted from the pain, pain, pain!
I am starting a schedule where I am going to force myself to get out of the house a few times a week and go do something fun.
I'm starting with going to visit the Harry Potter "Diagon Alley" shops and cool set up they have going on at one of the malls by me.
They have the wand shop and Fred and George's joke shop and all kinds of stuff.
That should be fun!

We gotta just keep ourselves doing stuff that is enjoyable and good for us!
Hang in there everybody!

 

[Squeaky]

Brando- dont sweat benzo withdrawls unless you may run out. You can use them 4 or 5 days and not get much more than a night of no sleep. If you have enough you can taper safely from practically any habit.
If you dont want to use your stash you must throw it away. You will use it.

 

[ShroomySatori]

Merry Christmas to those who celebrate. I often like this time of year mainly because for once it brings my family together without arguing, and it looks very nice, snowy, and sunny out there. Painful One, family stuff is going very well so far I hope for you as well. Ash I am going to remember to practice a little French today, probably when I'm stoned. Squeaky man I hope you are well and managing the oxy and everyone else keeping off benzos and whatever it may be. I am beginning to realize that it's all the same shit, just with different risks. In other words, I want to be clean. I no longer wish to be a drug user at all, it might be too late for that completely - well obviously, because of the health problems I need the right meds - but it is the mentality that counts because it means I don't wish harm upon myself and I have felt this way for a while now.

Hardest part is I literally have to smoke weed to function and everyone seems to have a problem with that despite it not only being legal but medically approved, so I will have to sneak away once today for a couple of hours. That is irritating I'd rather be with my family but I will ruin dinner if I don't. They have be benevolent towards me so far, I guess just happy to see me since I have not been around really since before the summertime. This year flew by in comparison to other years which always seem to fly by as well. This year was so hectic but it wasn't. I'm pretty much just writing it off and still smoking less weed. Sneaking out once isn't that bad a while ago I wouldn't have wanted to leave the house I was totally developing agoraphobia from being sick and in bed so often... and since stopping smoking weed compulsively I have noticed increased back pain, for the first time showing me that it can actually reduce pain levels instead of just distracting me. I just can't be addicted and fiend it.

In a very dangerous situation with the benzos but that is not to think about today. Any stress is for tomorrow and for all I know this could be the last holidays for me. Just being realistic. Today, I didn't get lovely gifts this year because I am a junkie and we are big on that but I'm not nervous about that I just know they have been so worried and even were asking if I was going to show up yesterday and the next few days. We are so big on this (more of a family thing than a religious thing, depending on the person, but both) that it would be a disaster for me to just randomly not show up for something so important.

I do so much better when I socialize with people and have a structured routine. I've been awake for 3 hours, since before 5am; I only haven't smoked pot because I am smoking strong out the bong right before the family stuff so I can stay there for as long as I can without starting to feel too uncomfortable to bear, which should be a few hours before dinner. Ugh I'm so anxious fuck like not mentally, physically my stomach is in a knot like it always is. I am at least eating now.

Benzos seem fine to taper so long as you have them. Problem is, I don't. I used to. I used to have thousands of the fuckers every single one for personal use, and like 10 different ones. I have like half a bottle of xanax now I gotta be really careful and I'm sure you can tell I am anxious I haven't smoked pot yet but I lined up four bong tokes to take consecutively before I go for breakfast.

Tbh I woke up crying that's why I would have smoked. Just thinking about how I was so caught up in drugs and withdrawal and all this year I pretty much forgot about the holidays. I pulled myself together just in time for last night and today I've already showered, and chose and outfit that is really really nice I think and have never paired (white true religion jeans, with a beige button-down with a super cool lined and checkered pattern with a couple shades of green that contrast well. I found that cleaning up the other day, it's like 15 years old. Anyways I am just waiting to smoke my bong tokes and for others to wake up who sleep longer.

 

[Painful One]

Merry Christmas Shroomy!
Merry Christmas to everyone else who celebrates it also.
I love you guys and I hope everyone has a great day today!

I'm really happy to hear that got dressed up so nice and went to the family dinner party and are eating well.
That is wonderful that your family was just so happy to see you and they are not giving you any grief.
Enjoy your time with them! You are right that socializing does indeed help a lot!
It helps to be back being close and cared for by / with family members and friends!

I know they see big improvement in both of us! My family commented on how good I am doing and how good I look!
I had a real nice dinner and family Christmas Eve party with them last night!
My daughter and her boyfriend loved the presents I gave them and they gave me some cash money to go do some shopping with!
I'm happy about that! That will get me out of the house, provide an activity for me and get me some new clothes and perfume and things I need! YAY!

My Rice Krispy treats were a hit! Everyone said "these are the best rice Krispy treats I have ever had!"
I made them extra marsh mellowed and drizzled some marshmallow icing on top with red and green sprinkles.

I am just going to take it easy today. Enjoy some good food and family. Sleep and movies.
Just the little things in life are so enjoyable to me now.

One good thing that this chronic pain / disability / drug dependence has taught me is to be grateful for the little things in life.
I can get more enjoyment out of just a nice hot cup of tea and a beautiful sunset than a huge vacation etc.

Anyway~ Merry Christmas friends! Enjoy your day. May peace be with you all! Hugs!

 

[Squeaky]

Brando- You cannot use from time to time. Thats how you got addicted. There are people in the world who can get wasted on New Years Eve and not even think about doing it again until the next year, but if we were like that there would be no need for BlueLight.
No different than the drunk who cannot even go into a bar for fear of being drawn back into boozing- you will never be able to do a little heroin or take a Percocet. The cravings will be so overwhelming that you wont even be able to enjoy the buzz. And if you went down that road again, any enjoyment you got from the drugs would be crushed by the overwhelming sadness that comes with giving up on years of sobriety.

You can do this, but you can never go back. Remember how you felt when you realized you were an IV heroin addict, and how horrible you felt to have fallen that low. One pill, one snort of H and you will be right back there. If you can focus your energy on how much you never want to feel that low ever again then the next few days wont be so bad.

Start by flushing your stash. If you break in a couple of days and use it, you will only be starting the clock over. Make this Christmas be the day you quit and it will forever be the most important day of the year.

 

[Brando4194]

Brando- You cannot use from time to time. Thats how you got addicted. There are people in the world who can get wasted on New Years Eve and not even think about doing it again until the next year, but if we were like that there would be no need for BlueLight.
No different than the drunk who cannot even go into a bar for fear of being drawn back into boozing- you will never be able to do a little heroin or take a Percocet. The cravings will be so overwhelming that you wont even be able to enjoy the buzz. And if you went down that road again, any enjoyment you got from the drugs would be crushed by the overwhelming sadness that comes with giving up on years of sobriety.

You can do this, but you can never go back. Remember how you felt when you realized you were an IV heroin addict, and how horrible you felt to have fallen that low. One pill, one snort of H and you will be right back there. If you can focus your energy on how much you never want to feel that low ever again then the next few days wont be so bad.

Start by flushing your stash. If you break in a couple of days and use it, you will only be starting the clock over. Make this Christmas be the day you quit and it will forever be the most important day of the year.

Thank you for taking your time to respond and care about me. You are right. I used to be able to party on coke, get drunk, smoke weed and all that stuff and never get addicted. It is just something about the opiates. It?s not just the high it?s also how it gets you stuck in this cycle of withdrawal and highs. Either you feeling good/ok and high or you are deathly sick which for me just leads to a never ending cycle.

Anyways for the bad news. I woke up yesterday again no sick and used. Thinking that I wanted to go to Christmas dinner and be with some family. I came back home at 6 pm and used. I woke up this morning at noon and I was still not sick. WTF! Idk if it?s cause I took Xanax to help me sleep last night or what. So I?m texting my using buddies what should I do? Basically, I talk myself into issuing one more day. I feel so powerless to this drug. Fuck! And so ashamed of myself. I?m losing all self respect. I have this interview for a job I need on Friday and now I?m starting to wonder if I should use until I have the interview now or try again tomorrow. I fucked up big time but I will not give up this fight. I have to quit this bull shit.
Once I get in the subs I?m not even going to think about using again ever. I need to detox completely and try and go back to my normal life, if that is even possible, before I can even ever consider using again. I live alone and have no real support so it makes it a bit harder.
Anyways I will keep posting until I get this right.

If I take subs tomorrow and still feel like shit by Friday for my interview I may have to reschedule, which might not be the worst thing in the world. But if I use until my interview I will do just fine but I will have to deal with this immediately after the interview. Idk the whole situation is just one big stressball. I also work a labor job.
Anyways, you guys are probably fed up with me by now just like my old drs were but I?ll keep posting anyway and I?ll keep trying. Iv?ing Heroin is a bitch and quitting it is the hardest thing that I have ever tried to do.

 

[Brando4194]

Thank you I have only been taking .25 mg of Xanax a day

 

[Brando4194]

I?m sorry to hear that about your struggles with MS Contin. You?re right. Me wquittong now is better than years and years of use. When I first started I would think ok heroin is bad and I must get off
Of it now but then somewhere along the line it just became a regular thing and I could maintain my normal life. Quitting is what?s bringing on the most stress. I remember once when I quit H for a few months I felt refreshed and ready to tackle the world. Like I was going to defeat all of my demons and win at life. I want to get back to that. Just hard to sign up for the worst flu of your life

 

[ShroomySatori]

Merry Christmas Shroomy!
Merry Christmas to everyone else who celebrates it also.
I love you guys and I hope everyone has a great day today!

I'm really happy to hear that got dressed up so nice and went to the family dinner party and are eating well.
That is wonderful that your family was just so happy to see you and they are not giving you any grief.
Enjoy your time with them! You are right that socializing does indeed help a lot!
It helps to be back being close and cared for by / with family members and friends!

I know they see big improvement in both of us! My family commented on how good I am doing and how good I look!
I had a real nice dinner and family Christmas Eve party with them last night!
My daughter and her boyfriend loved the presents I gave them and they gave me some cash money to go do some shopping with!
I'm happy about that! That will get me out of the house, provide an activity for me and get me some new clothes and perfume and things I need! YAY!

My Rice Krispy treats were a hit! Everyone said "these are the best rice Krispy treats I have ever had!"
I made them extra marsh mellowed and drizzled some marshmallow icing on top with red and green sprinkles.

I am just going to take it easy today. Enjoy some good food and family. Sleep and movies.
Just the little things in life are so enjoyable to me now.

One good thing that this chronic pain / disability / drug dependence has taught me is to be grateful for the little things in life.
I can get more enjoyment out of just a nice hot cup of tea and a beautiful sunset than a huge vacation etc.

Anyway~ Merry Christmas friends! Enjoy your day. May peace be with you all! Hugs!

I'm glad you had fun and bet you look good people just said I was skinny and my eyes looked red. Got so stoned actually had red eyes could have used visine drops for the first time since high school. I am really sad right now it is the middle of the night. I am going to move by the fireplace with my diffuser I have patchouli going I don't mind it. Seems to mellow me out and I fell asleep easily. I am so sad. I have never been like this it is different. Don't mean to be a downer I had a wonderful day as well. I hope the rest of your day was good. I am crying, it is not about yesterday but the near future. Getting out of the house is good for you. I am happy you had a nice day. I am repairing things with my family they don't need to be repaired but what if I just disappear on them one day I am the older brother and this literally just happened this year in our extended family.

 

[Squeaky]

Brando- I feel like you still see the opiates as something you can get back into some day once you have conquered it this time. Until you see that you will never conquer this, you will repeat this cycle of addiction forever. Something scared you into wanting to quit. If you make through this job interview, then pass a drug test, and never run out of money or get arrested.....? I wouldnt quit either. You dont have a drug problem. Youre unhappy with your choices and where they put you right now, but its only a problem because you need a job.
Flush your stash. Start the subs now. Go see a Dr and get more subs. NEVER GO BACK.

Me- I just get burned out on stuff hurting. The pills work. But they dont work like they used to.
I hope to stop for a while, but really only so that I can start again later and have them work again.

 

[Painful One]

Yeah, the holidays always come with depression for me.
I'm feeling it too.
I'm glad that at least Christmas is over.

I try to just keep focused on the little things in life. Grateful to have a roof over my head, food, etc.

The winter is hard for me in general. The cold and storms bring increased pain.

Hang in there guys.