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Positive The Tapering Supportive/Social Thread

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Thank you Shrooomy. I have been up all night worried about you. I was only trying to help. I apologize if I was out of line.
You have threatened this many times before but I felt you were really on the edge this time. And....slitting your wrists??!
Oh ShroomySatori. That hurts my heart so bad.

I wish there was something I could say or do to take your horrible pain and anxiety away. But I don't know what that is.
Please just know that I am here for you and I love you and I wish you to find peace. ❤️
 
Yeah it's a beautiful summer day and I tan so well but I have to wear long sleeves.

I may as well be shooting up track marks would look less sketchy than what I did to myself. So I put effort into my appearance and then do that. Makes a lot of sense. Well cutting is a BPD symptom most people who have it do that. I also hit myself in the face, hurt my healing ear piercings, kick the fuck out of stuff until I have to lay down my back hurts so bad and then just beat the fuck out of something else. The anger is cool it's best to play guitar for it, but I have given everything up. I no longer read books. I no longer play guitar. I don't even eat food anymore, maybe one meal a day. I'm quitting yoga, fuck it. Why put all that effort in to be a good looking nothing.

Laying down in bed and resting my head sounds pretty peaceful. Go asleep and never wake up. I wouldn't even remember.

Me and my buddy were talking after my OD (he was calling my house and stuff and about to let the secret loose as I was apparently 'sleeping'... def would not have blamed him for that although getting caught would be bad. But yeah, we got talking about how it would be such a horrible way to die because you wouldn't even see your life flash before your eyes. I don't know anymore though. I feel like if there is reincarnation which from mainly my study of physics makes a lot of sense to me, you might have a better chance of keeping the energy of your spirit around. Hungry ghosts. If I did that I might wake up as a junkie again. I think about questions with no answers a lot. I'm bored. I've been bored for many years. I have injuries and problems I can't handle. My back is still completely fucked it is only marginally better. Otherwise I'd be working labour right now like interlock or something.

The worst part is that I no longer consider myself a citizen of this country. If this is what the fuck my life is, absolutely everyone can fuck off including myself and I'll be the first of our buddies to check out. It will be a surprise, but it won't, if you know what I mean. Everyone already knows what my plans are they just don't want to acknowledge it. I do though, 100%. I am the walking dead.
 
Dan2573- I didnt realize there was a name for it but that is exactly what I have done several times with Loperamide and oxycodone. I knew I wasnt crazy. It totally works for me too. I have posted my dosage schedule in a couple of forums on BL.
 
I went back to weed over the hash a nice indica one of my fave strains, hindu kush. I didn't sleep last night I was so stressed and I'm trying to stay awake to eat lunch before I nap before work because I haven't eaten anything in like 24 hours. I'm not taking care of myself. In a way I am stealing energy from myself. I need to have some food and take a nap. That strain puts me to sleep. It's such a nice grow too. I will be smoking weed not hash now it was a nice little lung break and treat for a week but yeah I started craving kind nugs.

I've been freaking out from taking the transition from xanax to valium too quickly. I have realized how completely fucked I am and it's a lot worst than I would have been able to know until I had been clean a while. But so long as I have cash flow I can keep the transition going, and just slowly take less of the short acting benzo and more of the long acting one until I'm only taking valium. After a month I think that 8 times the original dose is stored in the body so even if it isn't working well after 3 days in a week it should be working great. It just means that I have to keep taking the fucking abusive short acting shit for a while longer. At least I'm trying.
 
Billy123 said:
Shroomy you're right. I nearly died and I don't care. I'm not sure how you know that but you're right. I'm at peace now. I'm nearly there. Either way I made it. I'm not scared of dying anymore because it's not painful. I know it may sound stupid but what used to scare me about dying was things like choking to death, drowning etc. The actual dying part (as long as I have nothing to live for) doesn't bother me in the slightest. If it's best for my family that I die, I won't hesitate anymore because I know my death will be peaceful.
Click to expand...

Billy123, you have everything to live for my brother. I know this problem seems just so overwhelming but there is help out there. If the withdrawals are too much for you to handle (and I understand if they are) you may want to consider going on some suboxone or methadone. That will allow you to not be in withdrawal and to stabilize and get your life in order.

Then you could slowly reduce your suboxone or methadone under medical supervision. Just getting through withdrawals is not "making it". There is a lot more involved. You have some deep wounds that need to be healed and it is going to take some time. Give yourself that time because I stand here today to tell you that even the deepest wounds can be healed. I am so glad that I did not die because today I am enjoying life again and I am so glad to be alive.

Sometimes, it may seem like our families may be better off without us but that just is not true. Billy123, everyone has problems in life. Everyone! This is our problem and it can be overcome and it can be managed. Please do not overdose yourself again. There are ways to get through withdrawal without suffering so badly. I have been two days now without any morphine and I am pretty alright with just the loperamide. There is some discomfort but not bad at all.

Just want you to know that you are cared for very much. You are loved far more than you could imagine.
 
Hi guys,

How is everyone doing? I am starting day 3 without morphine here and so far, so good. I actually feel better than I did yesterday. I added a little bit of benedryl to the loperamide and it is taking care of the symptoms the loperamide isn't covering. Watery eyes, sore throat, itchy etc. I slept the entire night. Actually, slept most of the day yesterday as well.

I don't feel good but at least I am not deathly ill and scaring the shit out of my family. My dog can always tell when I'm not quite right though. She watches over me like a mother hen. Won't even let me go to the bathroom by myself. Lol! Been going to the bathroom normally also, so no problem with constipation. I'm less constipated than when I am on my normal medication.

This is definitely a way that one could go to get off opiates. I think I'm going to have to taper down off the loperamide a bit but I will do it fast as soon as I get my refill. I don't want to get stuck on this either. I have the "yawns" like crazy.

Sending love and support to everybody!
 
Bully123.. Try the Bernese method I'm telling you this works! You will not be in any pain. I did it so I know what I'm talking about. If you want a step by step then PM me and I will give you my number to walk you through it but just don't give up. I was just where you are a few weeks ago. You will still be able to function and you will only have to wait 4 hours after your last H use. Just hit me up. I wanna help
 
Man it's just tough when in my entire adult life for as long as I can remember, the only time I was ever both functional and happy was when there was high quality smack. Really good and real china white, that stuff lit my life up like the biggest and most decorated Christmas tree in the world in a snowstorm. Everything fell apart when I was in between jobs for too long and couldn't afford it plus tolerance but it's not like tolerance was that that high. I was snorting a few points of really good consistent stuff a day comparable to maybe a 300mg - 500mg oxy habit I would say in hindsight. I'd take the 500mg oxy habit over the dope habit I had for sure if I had to wd again.

My life was really great for a while, had my girlfriend and good jobs too.

I'm nothing now. I can't get through a day without smoking pot. I waited 12 hours, the longest I've made it all year and took a hit and had a panic attack since I'm in benzo wd. Switching from short acting to long acting is so disruptive it takes a month for val to fully accumulate but I'm finally starting to feel the doses after a few days. I should be at around 60mg a day which is way lower than I thought I would need. I thought I would need hundreds of milligrams a day with the habit I've had going on but it's just not true at all. It is more that I have been trying to treat chronic anxiety with drugs that work really well for short periods of time and then have horrible rebounds. Val is not like this. Valium is the one psych med that ever really helped other than klonopin, but the latter I feel has more side effects. I am so down for the val and a taper could be super slow and maybe not too noticeable plus I don't ever want fully off it just get down to you know, something reasonable for a panic freak like 15 or 20mg a day.

At least I am trying with that but I can't just kick the short acting ones it doesn't work like that I'd be fucked. I'm taking less of them, just a little less as the Val accumulates over a month. But I'm sleeping longer less anxiety overall, like val actually works for me and it isn't abusive. The ups and downs are definitely abuse, I have not been treating my anxiety at all lately with those they just don't work. I was taking higher doses so it would last longer but then get way too much relief and my tolerance is ridiculous now. All I need is slow steady physical tension relief and valium is the best for muscle relaxant too it's the gold standard of benzos for that. Since my panic attacks are all physical just feels like I'm having a heart attack. Valium is the only benzo I can really treat it with, anxiety that extreme and chronic. I need to be on a reasonable dose though.

Sometimes I feel like I'd have been better off eschewing the whole heavy weed habit and using less benzos and being a total smack head. Sometimes I feel like I'd be in a better place in life because I am a functional addict and a dysfunctional person. And it has gotten to the point that dope is really the only thing that can satisfy as nothing else in my mind could ever compare to how good that stuff feels while allowing me to function at a high level.

I haven't accomplished anything much at all this year.
 
It's the energy of the oxycodone though. Heroin could never match that, just like oxy could never match the fast acting nature and functionality of smack. I can get so much done on oxy but in terms of sociability I can't always be sped up like that, H was more balanced. Oxy would work really well for short periods of time but sometimes be too much, H is kind of like the Val of opiates for me. The go-to, for all occsasions, whether reading through a book or killing a job interview you otherwise would have been anxious driving to and trying to breathe slow in the parking lot. With good stuff it's easy to control the dose and it takes 15 minutes for relief as opposed to an hour or longer. Its name originates from Heroic and that is how it makes me feel. Was doing it way before this fent shit and I don't react well to that the dope meshes with my spirit like no other. Like I can do anything, and while I have the supply that's just how things are. A horrible price is to be paid with a sliver of spirit but if your life sucks so much you have an ambivalence towards death in the first place as everything is just so directionless and you don't have the energy to do anything much other than stare at a wall.

It's 3pm and I haven't' had anything at all to eat yet today. I can't go longer than 12 hours without a bong rip without becoming severely depressed and I'm too lethargic to do anything at around the 4th to 6th hour. I'm not too worried about that it goes well with smack right. I loved it when I was both at the same time, but smack renders weed completely unnecessary. Otherwise, I will drive full speed taking an hour of my time for half a gram for the day. Or if I have 10 grams on me it's always gone but that last .5 by the end of the day. Not too worried about that, or the Val really.

It's just if the smack got involved again would my life change for better or worse with all the problems building up how stressed I am how it's the only thing that can ever provide relief I mean I can't even talk to a girl I'm not normal I'm so fucked up it's the only thing I know that has ever made me feel like I fit in somewhere. That I was a junkie through and through, but when I can't afford it, like it's not going to kill me to withdraw. I know that in the future I might come into some money and get back into it. This is all in my subconscious, the addiction is dormant right now because it knows that I can't even sustain the habits I already have. As soon as I can, my attitude towards it will completely change and I expect near-instantaneous severe cravings because I just want to feel fucking normal again for once. H made me feel like how I felt in university like before things got too fucked up, just chill and well so long as I had the fix I was really on top of stuff. It was getting too expensive but I could also make a lot of money with what I have going for me if I just wasn't so fucking depressed.

And I have been depressed for as long as I can remember, even as a kid sort of, I was always angry. It's not like I'm going back to happiness by any means. Do I want to live a short period of happiness, or a lifetime of shit. When a full time job is added in there will be even more stress I will want dope even more. Shit gets depressing you start getting bored start feeling trapped have panic attacks chronic pain in the back it's all to distract from the facts and then one day a hit is in order and you don't even know your tolerance anymore. It's a last chance sort of deal once you commit to trying to quit and have a sizeable habit.
 
I'm going to regret my life if I don't go back to it.

Every time I go back my life carries on as usual, like yesterday was the day that I quit. I get irritated at the wasted time. I don't have 5 months to waste like this and there is no end in sight. It isn't fucking worth it when I wasn't happy at all before I ever railed my first dilaudid.
 
I'm trying again on Wednesday. This time with loperamide. I'm sorry if I've mentioned it before. I'm a little drunk and a little confused. I'm trying to get clean on Wednesday I mean. Not offing myself. I was going to right "LoL", but fuck the LoL. I'm thinking of starting from 55 loperamide on day one and reducing the dosage by 5 capsules per day. I'm not going to talk about suicide anymore because I don't want to encourage anyone to follow my path. Most people who contemplate suicide (I'm guessing) suffer from some sort of bi-polar disorder, and I disagree with suicide if you have options. My last sentence was really confusing to me. Here's the LOL!!! Shroomy, you're on the right track. You're in control and you need to move forward. Think positive thoughts and you'll be OKAY.
 
Excellent! Good thinking Billy.

I would have Dan2573 help you with this. He has just been through this and knows how much you will need and when etc.
Send him a P.M Billy. He offered his help. Take it!

Oh, thank you God. I have been so worried about you! ❤️
 
Starting day 4 here without any morphine. Just using the loperamide. I am able to get by with using a lot less loperamide now.
I just used 10 loperamide = 20 mg loperamide. I was able to get by comfortably on 20 mg loperamide yesterday. I even slept like a baby. I just woke up and I am feeling well still.

I would advise not to overdue it on the loperamide because of fear. It really does not take very much loperamide to hold me over from 75-90 mg of MS Contin a day. The loperamide really works! Two more days to go and I can get my refill and taper off the loperamide.
Or if possible, I will just drop the loperamide. We will see how it goes.

I can function, eat, sleep. This is not bad at all.

My thoughts and prayers are with you all! ❤️
Sending Love and support!
 
Glad to hear you have some hope Billy. Dont forget the Loperamide trick takes 24 hours to start working. So start lope a day before you quit H or it will feel hopless and ineffective. You dont want this to feel like its failing or you may quit before it has time to work its magic.

We are all hoping you make it through this Billy.
 
Thank you everyone. I'm really worried because I don't want to mess up. I'm not sure what I'm doing anymore. I'm crying right now. My mom hid all the knives in the house which made me feel horrible. I'm starting my detox again on Wednesday. I'm pretty sure I'll succeed this time. I've come to terms with failure and I'm prepared for it. I've written letters to my kids and I'll do it properly this time. It's nice writing here because everyone understands and nobody tries to persuade you not to do it after a while. I'd like to thank everyone for all their advice and time. I apologise if I've let anyone down but hopefully I'll do it this time. I know I'm not making much sense but I'm not sleeping a lot and can't think straight. I never thought I would end up like this.
 
One day at a time Billy. You will make it. And dont lay too much pressure on yourself. I have quit several times and always went back. Felt like a loser almost every time.
Dont be afraid to ask for help. Family members (Women in particular)- somehow they get pissed off when you do something wrong but they get focused on helping if you come out and ask. Once you ask for help they stop being angry and start treating you with respect and become very supportive.
Have you considered going to N/A? Im not a 12 step kind of person but it certainly works for some. I have been thinking a lot about what I will do if I have too much trouble quitting when my Dr cuts me off for good. I really dont want to go to meetings but I will if I have to.
 
I wish I was shooting dope over these benzo wd's. I'm used to H withdrawals, at least I know they can't kill me. These are fucking sucidial and I actually have the energy to get up and do it. And it's not even CT nowhere NEAR cold turkey and I'm like this. Didn't mind the pain as much as whatever the fuck I even call this. Relief will come soon. I have cuts and burn marks all over my arm. Not much time left. So I get off heroin and oxy's to end up like this 5 months later. Wait... just about SIX. Wait no it's five. It doesn't matter. The longer I am clean the worse things get. It's like they fly by and I don't even know. Then I get my fix it and it like yesterday was the day I quit, the new year. I need a real fix and I'm coming into a little money, should be nice and I desperately need to stop taking so many benzos or I'm going to die. There isn't help out there for that like there is with dope. I could have got on subs in a day that whole time. Not that I ever wanted to quit. I haven't been using as I haven't been in any sort of position to use. I would have lost track of the benzos by now and if that happens even once my life is literally over then and there. I refuse to be treated like an animal made to suffer and that is how they treat benzo addicts in my country. I'd rather experience the end of my life on my own terms. I was also caught using opiates / downers and had to keep it low key for a while. Not anymore. Everyone thinks I'm getting my shit together when really I've given up everything. I don't eat food anymore maye one meal a day. No more yoga. No cycling. I literally do nothing. No more work towards jobs. No more reading my 1000 page book. I can listen to music I guess, but I can't play guitar. I'm planning on not having a future this is why. I'm planning on being dead as soon as it is meant to happen, when I can't take it anymore and I really hope that it can be peaceful like with heroin and not a seizure.

No this habit is not really possible to hide. I am choosing to end my life well I did a decade ago. Just waited out my youth. It's all I think about. I was the smartest science kid coming out of my high school in like a really long time, this will cast a dark shadow over the entire community here. Everyone who ever knew me will be affected even out of "what a waste of potential" cause a lot of people who didn't know me knew me sorta cause of my scholarships and 99% grades and stuff. I was smart back then but I was completely fucked emotionally even then and definitely depressed looking back. And my family too, that is hard to think about. They will have a hell of a lot to deal with but I can't suffer like this anymore that's what it comes down to. There isn't any point when I could destroy this disgusting piece of meat.

everything had been going on and building up for so many years that I was, y'know, suicidal, y'know I just didn't want to live. So, I just thought, if I'm gonna die, if I'm gonna kill myself I should take some drugs, y'know.

Just listening to a lil peep song that samples kurt's voice. Yeah that's pretty much it.
 
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Let's get real here, if I wasn't at a weekly risk of running out of benzos and having a fatal seizure, which at my dose I believe would be unavoidable. I'd either be running to the hospital (I would NEVER do that though) - or tie up a noose and find all my old scripts. I don't even think I'd be comfortable with an 100mg Val / day habit right now... it is around there. I am not sure cause it's xans, val, klonopin, whatever the fuck I can get to stop myself from seizing.

If I didn't have that shit to deal with, which is getting extremely costly - on top of a heavy weed habit that costs me $500 a month at least - do you think I would be having no cravings for opiates? Opiates substitute for weed as soon as I use once weed is out of my mind completely and there are no withdrawals, nothing, it's my only escape from being a pothead and I FUCKING HATE being a stupid stoner. The more I am clean, the more it makes sense to go back. They are not as bad for the body and the benzos are simply going to kill me. If I go back though I'll just end up doing both as I can't seem to quit either. I got on benzos and opiates within like a month of each other and started with raw alprazolam powder and heroin. So, one of them is never enough I have to have both that's the high I'm used to and the dependencies.

If I did opiates I see myself feeling like such a dumbass. Such a dumbass cause a relapse was inevitable from the start, and all I've done is exponentiate my benzo tolerance. That would have happened anyway, I didn't have a choice. I ran out of money for dope, forced to quit, ran out of benzos abusing them to try to numb myself, and now I have completely fucked my whole entire life and my spirit is dead. There is a point of no return, you know. There isn't always hope. I'm walking around feeling like I'm already dead. I spend a lot of my time actually feeling in my mind that I am already dead and listening to myself talk to my friends about what a fucking joke it was, stuff like that. Or joking with my family about how they never knew I was snorting smack all that time, ignorant fucks. Not that any of this is very funny. I would like to work in high tech and start my own business and have a lovely wife and a kid or 2 but I'll be dead this summer if not then by the time the snow starts to fall.

Actually my benzo supply is so low right now and I'm so broke that I could even die today. I hear a lot of stories about people having seizures out of nowhere, with no warning. I am at risk of that trying to switch to Val on my own but the doctors would not know what the FUCK to do with me at this point. It's just the way it is, it would take extreme, relentless effort to find a doctor willing to work with me. And I don't want to work with them I want my fucking benzo fix as well as the smack. Fuck weed it's doing nothing for me but a waste of money and time. It doesn't treat shit, on or off it. At least on smack I am functional nobody ever knew. It just makes sense, I'm healthier so long as I can afford the smack. I use half of the benzos I normally do or less and don't really seem to care. I haven't even fucked with my veins yet except for a few marks, just got them all ready with hot yoga. And those are the things that are going to get me the fucking benzos. I fear running out of them exponentially more than I ever did with dope because all hell would break loose. I wouldn't just be laying in bed like it was a torture chamber it's a medical emergency and one that I would be forced into unwillingly - only one way out.
 
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Ok. First time posting on anything. My bf is tapering off alcohol. Last time he detoxed, he didn't tell me it was his first time detoxing ever and had been heavily drinking for years. (Disclaimer:I knew he was an alcoholic when I started dating him spare me the lecture.) Anyway, he quit cold turkey last time. Worst thing I've ever seen. He nearly died. Ended up in the hospital for 2 days. This time we are tapering and he's at 5 hours between drinks and hasn't had really any shaking or stomach upset. A little generalized anxiety and body aches but I have been giving him a small dose of my prescribed klonopin to help him sleep or calm him down if his heart rate starts going up. When should we go to 6 hours between drinks? I don't know what I'm doing and frankly I'm freaking out more than him, I'm sure. Someone tell me I'm doing something right or something wrong or just something in general.
 
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