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Positive The Tapering Supportive/Social Thread

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Thanks Shroomy. If I can do it this time I'll be over the moon. I used to think people who killed themselves were stupid. Being in this situation changes your perspective on things. Sometimes a person can be led to believe that he or she has no more choices. Rather than making the people you love suffer I can understand why someone may resort to that. How can I stay strong this time? Is it worth it?
 
I've decided I'm going to batshit drunk and ride it out using the Dihydrocodeine (obviously not mixing the Dihydrocodeine with the alcohol) for day 1 and hopefully I can save some tablets for the following days. People don't realize how even when you have the H your mostly stuck indoors. My life revolves around getting money, hanging around with criminals, finding a dealer, waiting for a dealer, smoking the H and falling asleep. If I have time I may have a shower and eat something. The amount of time I spend worrying about what I'll do tomorrow for dope is unbelievable. Feeling sorry for myself is dangerous and isn't achieving anything but it's hard to get out of. I'm starting from scratch but there's no one to blame except me. I'm a blot on this planet and nothing but a burden. A low life junkie. That's the honest truth. If I was gone tomorrow I think a lot of people would be quietly relieved. I'm not contributing to anything. I make the lives of people around me a misery. Inwardly people look at me in disgust. Who wants to be around a junkie? I'm nothing but selfish. I know the misery I'm causing everyone but I don't care. If I did care I wouldn't be taking drugs. Sometimes your best may not be good enough. For me I'm getting to the point where I'm tired of trying. I'm breaking down all the time crying and I can't handle it anymore. I'll try the Dihydrocodeine and see what happens. People saying hang in there doesn't make any sense to me. Hopefully I can do it this time.
 
To be totally honest I have never been more determined to completely stop than I do now. I've written on here before but I've never been totally upfront. What I'm trying to say is until a person completely comes to terms with their problem they'll never be in a position to quit. At the same time I'm scared about what happens if I fail. My family don't deserve this. They need the old me back. I need to be there for them. I need to support them emotionally and financially. Sorry for going on but it's sort of self therapy because as I'm writing I'm also comprehending everything.
 
Man you know yourself well. You do care though or you wouldn't be posting here. Alcohol hangovers - coke crashes - any kind of drug seems to lead me back to opiates now.

Weird how you mention failing. You already have let yourself down, and there is still a lot to lose. It's hard to see everything you have until it's gone.

There is only so much you can try. Is it worth it? For me so far, well yeah in 4 months I had a lot of good life experiences and some little things have changed. I still don't the energy I did at the start but by the end of my habit it wasn't working out. I can't answer that question any other way than saying using any drugs whatsoever including weed and alcohol were some of if not the worst choices I have made in life, and led me to even dumber choices as I was never right. So unstable.

The withdrawal is sheer hell though. Last year made what I've been going through this year seem not even relevant. I was fucked out of my mind and suicidal getting off H be careful. My habits were a secret my family thinks I'm a pothead. And that seems to concern them so I cold turkeyed by myself I didn't have a choice just said I was sick and it's a great excuse. Eventually when shit was really hitting the fan I told them that I had just stopped my oxycodone script cold turkey because I didn't want to use them anymore and they were very supportive then as I hadn't mentioned anything illegal and that doctor everyone knew was a piece of shit pill hustling fuck. I am so happy never to step foot there again.

My life is probably improving a lot better and faster than I realize as I still haven't gotten anywhere I still feel like shit. Just different internally. That shit steals your spirit. Was so dead inside I didn't even want a fix anymore by the end of it. To think it helped motivate me to be creative at first, then it made me so stupid that way although I guess I was pretty creative about getting good dope. I had to experience some bad shit for that to happen. Heroin is truly evil though. I was thinking about it yesterday and I can't think of anything to associate it with other than satan. Man if you are concerned about your family think about like visualize what it would be like to bury you today. As with every hit of that stuff you can die. If I were to use it today I think there would be a greater chance of death than life as my tolerance would be nil and I wouldn't know any better. I'd be afraid of a line I think. If I was staring one down I think I would be nervous and afraid and angry I don't think I would want to use it at all. I'd just be setting myself back and I've already ruined a solid decade or more of my life escaping and not caring whatever drug it was it's all the same.

I think I'd compulsively rail it in a millisecond though when I had prescriptions around the corner I was waiting in the parking lot for them to open every month, popping handfuls of pills in the parking lot, going through them in 3 or 5 days. Kind of pathetic. When the prescriptions ran out, I haven't touched an opiate since. They were just way too easy to get from the pharmacy I couldn't resist.
 
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Shroomy in which ways has your life changed since giving up drugs? I'm guessing you have more money, new clothes, look better and feel better physically and emotionally. At the same time I'm guessing you're having cravings once in a while but they're intense. I'm guessing boredom is a major issue for most people after getting clean. What about work? Have you got a new job since getting clean? How about future plans?
 
I think that for me, boredom is the biggest factor with destructive drug use, and it was the hardest part for me when quitting opiates in particular. That's why it's really, really important to make changes to your life when getting off any drugs, and find something to fill that hole. A restless mind soon turns to old ways of coping. For me, starting to play music again and forming a band and focusing on that has been a savior, it's the reason why I quit opiates over 4 years ago and haven't ever gone back. I get off work and I go to band practice for the rest of the day, or play by myself at home, or go play a show, or go see a show. I do other things too, and music might not be your thing specifically, but the point is to fill your time with activities that you enjoy. It feels hard at first, but it'll transform your life and after a while you'll find you really have moved on.
 
Billy123- If 6 Dihydrocodeine make you feel good on the first day, youre likely to need 7 or 8 to feel good on the 2nd day. It may be wiser to deal with picking yourself up and go back to wd from H. If you plan to use the dihydrocodeine, take the smallest amount possible and plan to be in full withdrawal whenever you can stand it. Save those pills for when you really need them. Otherwise youll run through them in a couple of days and you will have to withdraw from them too.
 
Billy123, it is worth it, YOU are worth it! Your family and friends are worth it. You should read this entire thread and see for yourself just how badly ShroomySatori and others here have suffered and how far we have all come. ShroomySatori was at deaths door for quite awhile. Now, he is a well spoken gentleman who has goals and is looking forward to the future. Helping others along the way. I could not be prouder of him. He is a true Yogi now! Good things are coming into his life. Little by little.

The Kingdom of Heaven is given to those whom overcome. I know this feels and seems like an impossible task but if you really want to know how strong and how great you truly are you wont give up. Sometimes all we can do is hang in there. That is why people say that. You just have to hold and wait it out. Blind, retarded, helpless, weak, and sick. You have to just be alright with that and have faith that one day- you will wake up to a whole new world and you will have become what you are. Which is not a junkie. God, I hate that word! As if, that is what anyone IS! It is ignorant people whom do not know themselves that use that word. There is no wisdom in them.

You can do this. There are so many times where we have ALL taken steps backwards. You just have to shake it off and take steps forward again.
 
I am constantly reminded when reading this thread that recovery is about strengthening yourself overall. It goes so far beyond drug use. When I look back over my life it is interesting to see how some things that I wanted to change have taken years to even budge, while other things seemed to happen almost without effort once I decided to change them. It's a process. You have to focus on the goals for sure but you cannot fall into the trap of feeling like a failure when you do not immediately reach those goals--because some deep changes take years and you will not be able to have the stamina for the process if you are tripping yourself up with feelings of failure.

Lots of love to everyone that is in this thread. You are all the heroes of your own lives.<3
 
Billy123 said:
Shroomy in which ways has your life changed since giving up drugs? I'm guessing you have more money, new clothes, look better and feel better physically and emotionally. At the same time I'm guessing you're having cravings once in a while but they're intense. I'm guessing boredom is a major issue for most people after getting clean. What about work? Have you got a new job since getting clean? How about future plans?
Click to expand...

I have been making friends with a few prominent businessmen and women in my area. They own holistic businesses, and one man has ran various businesses his whole life. I am there for a little work but stay and chat for like 2 hours and get so much out of it - I'm more social. I want to open a business myself, that has to do with essential oil aromatherapy and I ran my whole 10 year life plan by the owner of a place I frequent and she was like that's a really good idea. We are friends, and my future life plan is actually amazing to me. The craziest thing is it came to me like a flash of lightening one time when I was on 2-CC but I had been clean for a while. I can't do shit with my life if I continue using opiates.

I am broke but I am smoking hash constantly so that's why. I'm still looking for full time employment, and networking for that I've been trying so hard to get this one job but need to look for others. I would say it took 3 - 4 months for me to be comfortable being employable. However, I have been working part time. I have been really much more social though.

I am never bored I am so fucking busy! If I have nothing to do I lay down and chill cause I'm exhausted. I find that in general I was getting physically exhausted really easily at first but I had been through hell over and over so that was to be expected. I went from having to force myself to crawl up some stairs to make a cup of tea, then forget I made it, to a responsible man.

My creativity is still sparking up but it's there. It showed in my interview the other day.

I have started volunteer work in a community of hot foxes and meeting friends that way has been nice. I do yoga like 5 times a week it's insane the girls question me about it as it is pretty much insane but that is part of my personal rehab. I no longer require air conditioning lol anything but that damn sauna. I went today and 10min in I was already sweating buckets like dying haha but killed the class and then it took 2 hours for me to be able to get up and make my way to have yummy food. I am pretty much shredded now to the point that you would absolutely notice like that guy works out something sort of full body and aerobic... I hear that I have a good body for a soccer player and I am thinking of joining a chill coed league this summer too so I'll have a sport to have fun with as well.

I am lucky in the sense that everything is here waiting for me to move forward. Nothing is holding me back, I didn't fuck myself over completely at all. I have been the one holding myself back and now I am prepared to move forward. Once I am full time employed that will be the real milestone for me because it will change my whole entire life.

Not boredom... takes a lot of patience when you still don't feel right nearly 5 months later. For myself it was loneliness unable to handle it at all that led me to move from experimentation to abuse / self harm.

I would have died by now, this year I really believe that if I didn't stop. That is a plus, isn't it? I was pretty much intentionally trying to OD myself and did overdose twice in December - not hospital ones but horrible ones where other people were involved who shouldn't have had to put up with that shit. I need a job real bad that's about it.

I don't have cravings for opiates they personally disgust me, the way they effect me is completely disgusting that shit steals my soul in a single use at this point after 6 years it gets worse and worse and worse until you think it can't get any worse and then it's like you fall through 3 stories of unstable flooring and end up in a dusty damn cellar. Get out while you still can, it sounds like you have spirit still. In other words I don't think you have lost enough that you have completely fucked your life but it happens fast and it's exponential. You're going to get caught by the way if you don't stop. People will never look at you the same that's just how it is.

I started cycling too, getting outside a lot more. Smoking hash in the woods. Random fun stuff like that instead of well being essentially a dying vegetable. I really should have been in rehab in hindsight but so far so good. Sometimes secrets have to be kept and this one was not getting out.

And I started bleaching and dying my hair that has been great I got a bunch of sick ear piercings too that I absolutely love and are still healing up. Super creative stuff too I came up with that suits my ears. I never would have been doing that as a junkie but I've been pink, blond, platinum blond, straight platinum so I am really getting into fashion as well. I am nicer to people well I speak to them haha. As a junkie I was just jealous of everyone who didn't need a fix all the time and isolated myself from everything but the dope. Talking about the last couple years especially the final year of it. For a while, around 4 years, I was pretty okay. Functional. Then surprise surprise it started fucking every aspect of my whole entire life and there was really no point continuing it was a losing battle. I honestly didn't find it hard to give up when I really wanted to but the withdrawal was sheer torture and sort of still is in ways but I'm dealing with it.

I believe that I don't ever have strong cravings or cravings really at all because I went cold turkey and it was such torture I'm fucking scared of the shit now.
 
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I also just started cycling again for more exercise. I am looking better than I ever have in my life hands down. Really healthy, you'd never guess I had problems by my appearance.

I haven't had time for guitar this year I really need to get my shit together and fitness is a huge part of getting my body healthy again, same with my diet. My diet is phenomenal. Smoking hash is enough for me and two days back on valium after about a week off... enormous difference. I've been really stable anxiety wise and I was kind of going crazy from that. Sleeping a little better but 4 hours in a night after a long day is still common.

I have been meeting so many people it is crazy as you can see I am pretty much a normal human being who needs a job and a girl and more and more hash. I've got a super cool life plan like decade plan that could help a lot of people and it's really innovative I must say. I mean if these powerful millionaire businessmen and women who see my potential and know me personally, after they look at my resume think it's a damn good idea... it's a damn good idea. I got this. You do too... just stop doing dope, stop substituting with pills that are practically the same thing and cold turkey the shit. Torture yourself enough and you'll NEVER look back.
 
Shroomy thanks for that. I wasn't being nosey but was interested in to what extent your life has changed. It's a huge difference. Congratulations. Shroomy I had another question if you don't mind, but may I ask why you still use this forum after 5 months? I'm guessing it's in order to keep reminding yourself of your past and to aid in your sobriety? But WoW Shroomy! I'm really impressed by your strength and courage. Once I get clean I'm also going to continue using this forum. Hearing your story helped me a lot. Thanks. I'm starting my detox tomorrow and I'm going to try and keep your story in mind. Shroomy whilst you are looking for a full time job have you considered joining a recruitment agency as a stop gap? In a lot of cases temporary job placements turn into permanent. My biggest problem after detoxing off the heroin is the crack. I understand I have to stay strong but for now I'll take it one day at a time. Shroomy, once again, thank you for your story and your encouragement. It's nice having people who understand what I'm going through who offer encouragement and guidance. Sometimes writing itself offers a form of therapy, similar to the way as in writing in a diary would do.
 
Are you kidding me? 5 months is a joke. I'm just getting started, my life got hit by a fuckin hurricane. There is damage everywhere I look.

It is to spread awareness of what can happen. And I like to write to express myself but I'm lazy with my journal and I like it here and if I can give 1 person advice to cold turkey opiates and never look back no matter how much pain there is, then that's chill. I resent my use of opiates.

I will mention my memory is completely fried. I can't remember shit sometimes I can't remember what I did the day before. I can't remember hours sometimes too (it's not really benzo or weed related it's way way worse). Managing more and more in my life is resolving this.

I have an extremely short fuse. For example I just walked in with my headphones on and all my stuff at the end of the day smoked a bong to lay down and my headphones had disappeared. I flipped out trashed my place looking for them when I have dinner to eat and I was just gonna chill. So stupid. I have BPD but this is ridiculous it's fucking headphones although their sound is def pretty dope. lol. But yeah I used to freak out at people a lot more than I do now and these outbursts of anxiety over stupid shit are also lessoning as I learn to deal with stress better.

I've just been to fried and fucked up and passive and bored and depressed and misanthropic to get a job I can get one easy if I tried and I am a bit now.

You fiend crack, I fiend hash. Honestly in my mind there isn't much of a difference, I like coke too sometimes but would never do crack cause I have panic disorder it would probably kill me lol. But I love good coke on occasion just the crash made me relapse before so that is over too. Anyways, if I don't have hash I flip the fuck out. Trash my place, smoke every bit of resin I can scrape, spend an hour finding crumbs on the floor, old roaches behind tall cabinets, that sort of thing.

I have no control over it whatsoever. I need it. Sure it's "not addictive" but if I take scissors to my arm when I don't have it... I need it and I am absolutely both physically and psychologically addicted. I have more of a mental attachment to weed than I do to opiates, by far. Moreso than any drug in existence I could never give up my weed and it doesn't really do anything for me. I just can't eat food or sleep without it and I do yoga every day so that doesn't work. I spend hundreds of dollars a month on it and smoke from morning until night and it is a huge challenge for me to wait until noon.

I quit for 3 years, experienced withdrawal for 6 months (after a decade of habitual use) and then I was all the same and started smoking again. I love weed, just sayin' I am definitely addicted as fuck to it and it's probably not too much different in essence, weed is my hit. It has to be the heaviest hit from the bong or a heavy dab I'm looking to get the maximum amount of THC in my brain as quickly as possible just to fuck off from my problems. If I could just stop tomorrow I would but there is no way I could ever do that. So yeah we got physical and mental addictions going on it sucks. I wish I could quit the fucking hash to save money I'd save thousands of dollars but I can't fucking do it. I can quit H and oxy's and dilaudid but I can't live without hash I wouldn't last a week my entire life would fall apart sure I wouldn't die but I wouldn't have much of a life left as I'd freak at myself.
 
Shroomy I think you're doing brilliantly. 5 months clean is more than most have managed including myself. Smoking weed is normal and I think it's irrelevant compared to your past opiate use. Your reason for posting on here is admirable and I know you must have contributed in helping quite a few people. Reading your previous post, got me wanting to reach where you are now and I look forward to the day that I too can also say I'm 5 months clean. This is my first day and my withdrawals haven't kicked in yet. I'm going to take 6 loperamide and 1 Zantac for now and then try and sleep for a bit. I'll be using the Dihydrocodeine tablets later but I'm going to keep my dosage in check, whilst at the same time reducing my daily use by one tablet per day. The less Dihydrocodeine I use daily, the more days I'll have it.
 
Good luck, I'd personally let the Dihydrocodeine go as it will prolong your withdrawals. You won't feel good until you are off completely. I'd try not to use any benzos and keep hydrated, smoke crazy amounts of weed and hash if possible. I have been stoned since I quit.

I have a short fuse, you see. Someone angered me last night and I spent most of the night having an attack of sorts I pretty much was stuck in a bad trip felt like. Smoked more hash than necessary/can afford cause I was angry that is never a good call.

The hash is irrelevant I love it. It is also legal. The problem arises when I can't afford it, like these days, I was real lucky to be able to afford some hash today. Makes me nervous when I'm low because I guess it goes back to borderline disorder. I think I feel like the hash is abandoning me or something and I'm like fuck you then but it's so easy to stay high all day even without a job. Once I am working full time it won't be long until I'm legally growing and making my own hash, and also having at least an ounce of hash on me at all times for safe keeping.

Trus it definitely gets better although I am writing this after a great rip of hash. Whatever. I know that I need to keep off that other stuff. It is insane looking back, it feels like the memories of a different person are stuck in my mind. Not only that, but the whole entire experience of life changed. It became chaotic, insane, extremely stressful. I can never go back and I never will. I got my hash to smoke and that is my jam. That's my hit, so what you know?

I was showing my family some of the yoga asanas I can do now and they were like WTF and my bro was like how long can you hold that? And there is so much more I can do I'm really just starting to have fun with more advanced asanas like crow and halasana and stuff. It's been life changing in the other way than dope was.
 
Billy123- try to use the Benzos for sleep only. Anxiety during wd really sucks, but building a tolerance to benzos in three days will suck way worse. Your opiate wd will take longer than it takes to get hooked on benzos, so you really want to only use them on the days you have insomnia and then only so you can sleep. Imagine getting hooked on benzos and then falling off the wagon in a month. You will have to go through benzo, opiate, and crack wd.
Benzo wd can be fatal.
 
I am doing alright with the valium and taking on more responsibility in general. I want to have a chill summer and save some money.

Smoked hash in the woods with a girl today it was pretty fun. We are planning a picnic / iPad movie in the forest while smoking out and having snacks. Now that is how I have fun now lol. It's more fun siting on a tree smoking trees than crushing up and railing dope in washrooms. The glass desk was always my thing though. Need more friends to smoke weed with it's so much more fun than smoking by myself and I'm almost always hitting the bong alone kinda sucks. Now that it's pretty much summer I should be smoking out more.
 
How are you doing billy. I hope that the dope doesn't get you. OD's or close calls start to happen and looking back I didn't even care. Fuck, though, you have to go through withdrawal. How long have you been using, how much? How much of that codeine stuff per day now too in my opinion you should use none of it. That stuff acts on the same part of the brain you are trying to heal in the same way as heroin just a lot weaker I'm assuming and probably has nasty tylenol in it. Everyone's withdrawal is different. It really wasn't all that bad for me until the 4th or 5th year. I was offered a zantac today I am very nauseous I need to have cash in my hand for more hash before I smoke the hash that I have and I should try to find some ginger in the meantime.

I guess you might not have made it like a month yet or something like that so you might not really know what you're in for. The first two weeks at the very least (I would say more like 2 months if your use is measured in years) are going to be complete recovery focussed write-offs. It might seem at times like the recovery is rapid but truth is you never do. Adjust to the new you. Doesn't mean you won't have a good life you'll never be the same after heroin though. You go back to the dope this withdrawal may have stressed you out; it weakens your body every time. Then you go back feel defeated use more and since you already tried to quit the next time around you just don't have the same energy about it.

Just weighed myself I lost a little weight, I definitely don't eat enough for how active I am. I am always going to be slender doing so much yoga. It doesn't get you really big or anything I've lost weight but some of the stuff I can do is pretty awesome and my back doesn't hurt too much to bear anymore almost ever. Definitely not a skinrat like before though, the one thing I am proud of myself for this year is getting back into that. I have put more energy into hot yoga than anything else in my life and I am back in killer shape in 4 months (almost 5 now? wow. I can't believe I have kept up with it that long... there has not been a single week I missed my classes) . Just need to work on cardio a little more I'm trying to find a chill soccer league.
 
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This is a video a good video about how to properly taper. It is very informative. And I think it could help a lot of people. It's 30 minutes long though so if you're too lazy to watch the whole thing I'd recommend watching the first and last 5 minutes of the video or at the very least the last 5 minutes. It's called "The Step-Down Technique."
 
Squeaky- you made it to Friday! Hope things went well for you and you are doing good.

ShroomySatori- you smoked some hash in the woods with a girl and are now planning a picnic and movie!?!?! Awesome!
That is so nice to hear. Have a great time! You are doing just great! So many are looking up to you! You are HOPE!

Billy123- hope you are hanging in there and not feeling too bad. I'm about to be right there with you soon.

Pray for me friends. Hoping the loperamide keeps me from getting deathly ill this time.

All in all..I had a good month with a lot of progress. Re-connected with friends and family and have gone out on some dates and really managed to enjoy myself. I can do this without running myself out of medication now. I am finding that once you get over that initial bad anxiety and start doing things again that you remember how and it just flows naturally. I am so proud of myself for overcoming the fear of having problems in public. I feel semi-comfortable being even in large crowds now.

My exercise program has really paid off. I am strong enough to cook again. I had not been able to stand long enough to do much cooking up until just recently. I am enjoying that too.
 
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