I am on a similar dose of benzos, before that I spent a year having daily panic attacks and it was so bad I forgot about the back pain most of the time. To be honest I feel like it was my body trying to distract me from the pain, and the stress I had been through from untreated chronic physical agony eventually something 'snapped' and I started to panic to the point of attacks much too often to the extent that panic ruled my life. Whatever the underlying reason it is quite miserable.
I am on a similar dose of benzos for panic disorder. I find they don't treat my other anxiety though, like my social anxiety. Just the physical feeling of impending death from heart attack and racing uncontrollable thoughts. Right now that's just a necessity and I can't even think about dealing with those anytime soon. I was pretty bad with them too... I was on a number of different benzos over the years. Bromazepam, clonazepam, lorazepam, etizolam, alprazolam, midazolam, diazepam... it is a bit more under control now as it was recognized as a huge problem but I basically did the same thing with those. Got a panic disorder, couldn't get medical treatment despite trying, couldn't handle the constant sheer panic, fucked around with benzos before getting them prescribed, now struggling to keep it therapeutic. Exact same thing actually if you replace 'oxycodone' everywhere with 'diazepam' and 'pain' with 'panic attack'.
I am considering a heavy duty psychedelic experience for some reason. I am not inexperienced and it has been a long while. The thought came to me and will not leave me alone. I feel like it is a good time for dmt. Dmt is a good one because it is easy on the body, lasting only 15 minutes. Not like a harsh acid trip oh for I'd never do that. I am thinking a hit at the peak of a taper dose when I'm not agitated. I can take that. I seriously need to get my life together and I was fascinated by dmt when I tried it, and it definitely had antidepressant aftereffects as well. I am becoming hyper-aware of the impermanence of my life and that I really need to get moving if I want to accomplish my long term goals.
I can't remember falling asleep last night, and I think I skipped my midnight dose. It was waiting for me when I woke up at 330 but to be sure I waited until 6am to dose. Not going back to sleep. I can't confirm that I didn't take it but I am almost positive I passed out after the spicy pad thai before midnight, being very stoned, and I take my benzo at an earlier time, 10pm, so that probably knocked me out. I didn't want any risk of two doses greater than 15mg spread out by 6 hours within a 24 hour period, so I waited.
It also helps to keep the end goal in sight. Life used to be great when I was taking small amounts of oxy, like 30mg a day. Life was great when I was just a big pothead. I worry about my health from all the pills, my god do I take a lot of pills and I could be doing it another 60 years. 15mg per day was way too little for my pain, even at the start, but I can definitely get down a little lower, at least making 60mg my max dose and not my regular dose. I try to remind myself that this suffering is only temporary but it's hard as the future is unpredictable. I can therefore use that to delude myself into using again along with the short term reward. I really need to remind myself that anything I gain from being more productive on drugs is paid back when I am depressed like this. The long term consequences of using more are even more unpredictable. It is about solidifying the fact in my mind that I no longer want to be addicted and all of the reasons behind my choice.
I'm definitely going to be using higher doses like yesterday in the future, because they can be very useful for pain, but not anytime soon. Even that one dose messed me up a bit. I've had pretty nasty interdose withdrawals since then, more body aches and stomach cramps. Once I stabilize on a low dose, I should be able to get away with getting powerful relief like that when I occasionally need it. It's going to take a while and it is best to accept that.
I find the hash oil really helps me out mentally, in moderation. If I am having a rough time it can take me out of my mind and view the suffering from the perspective of an outsider. It's quite dissociating and for now in withdrawal I have few rules with the stuff apart from never smoking it, I try to only vape and have edibles when I'm concerned for my health like this.
Also, a full stomach helps me stretch the feeling of the oxycodone out. I find I don't get as bad withdrawal before my next dose if I eat a lot of food.