I have had a relapse. It has turned downright horrific.
It started like 3 weeks ago with one nod. The most hardcore nod of my life... the type of nod where you just know you are on the brink of death but it feels so fucking good... that was the first time I experienced that ever in my years of abuse. Didn't know my tolerance, took 30mg IR oxy.
Then I got my extended release pills like a week later, blew through them in a few days. It was something like 150mg or 200mg a day and I was nodding like mad. Then, I woke up stressed out of my mind one day and called the pharmacy and somehow, called in my IR prescription a second time only 10 days later for a month supply. It must have been a mistake. They won't give me that shit a single day early if I ask. I know my hustle and charmed a new employee there.
So that is when things got bad, I wasn't sick before this. Maybe hungover after the ER drugs but that's it. Then I blew through 112 pills. This time I didn't flush them after taking the 30mg hit of bliss. It was miserable. I knew I was going to take every last one but I didn't want to be high and my tolerance exploded so exponentially I could take ANY amount of oxy by the end of it and not feel a damn thing but a little short acting euphoric stimulation. Only heroin can truly satisfy me as an addict. Luckily I don't have access to that and now I am back on track.
The first day has been great. I had a long talk with my cousin's husband about occult and ritualistic stuff and certain authors and historical figures and wrote in my journal. I made a pact to act like I'm not sick and do whatever I would normally do, so I went out for a 2 hour walk in the frigid snow. It was amazing, really beautiful and had no withdrawals then. Got so bad tonight I had to leave and go to the mall just to walk around somewhere warm and tea store stoner dude friend knew I was off. Said I looked cold, well he always gives me free stuff and we are like random friends so I told him I was oxy sick and he is def the type to sympathize as we are friends. Got a free tea and some green tea to take home to keep me awake for work.
I am back on track, all I remember is when I was never sick anymore. It was a really long time I was like that and I met a lovely lady, made one of my best friends ever, got a new job, started making money, got a double conch piercing and started getting way more creative and coming up with plans for my future. It was phenomenal, it was so good being clean that all I can think about is getting back there. I'm already there, because I have that mindset. And, I'm acting normally now I'm not going to sit around sick. Going to pick up my book and ignore it, keep healthy too and smoke pot and have healthy snacks too. However I feel like I am burning the fuck fucking fuck alive it has been over 24 hours now but I don't count. I just wait to feel better. The daily walking is really going to help, I've been really super active.
Never thought I'd end up back here it's so fucking stupid. I didn't even have back pain anymore, was loving life. The lack of chronic pain (to an extent) was the most surprising part of all to me but I was really outgoing, making friends and well I still am. I didn't use for long enough to fuck anything up. Essentially I wanted to get high for a while, it wasn't as impulsive as I made it out to be and now I have to deal with the sickness as I knew in advance. It's not worth it though because an addict will always underestimate the agony of being without it.
I'm doing well though. In terms of my life everything is so much better than before from the clean time and I am sort of getting away with it. The girl I like is on vacation and for once I don't miss her. I'd be bailing on dates. Luckily I work from home I don't know if I'd be able to go in. It's really not that bad though, the heroin detox when I was using for so long earlier this year was so much worse. I should just be happy I don't feel like that... lol. I still have my high spirits! Sometimes life gets fucked up! It wasn't long enough to lose my spirit and that's all I really care about! My creativity will be fried for days though I'm sure as fuck not picking up my guitar!
