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Positive The Tapering Supportive/Social Thread

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No man it's organic outdoor lol I get it for essentially free! A solid pound of the stuff too just from a great old pal who knows of my silly aches and pains. Doesn't even ask for money and it's great stuff... more balanced than indoor. It should last me until next harvest and my country doesn't care about pot. I have been smoking way too much in withdrawal with an escapist attitude but also to ease the suffering as it sort of numbs me when I smoke that much and allows me to eat as well. I hadn't smoked for like 6 months before then. So now... two joints a day. around 12 hours apart. I get so much more out of it that way... man, man oh man I had the experience of my life today.

Dude I can barely type my hands are so cold. The joint turned into a very long and interesting walk. I was laughing my ass off most of the time and just saying omg omg omg omg or like holyfuck holy fuck holy fuck oh my GOD what IS THIS??? Dude I was looking at a tree and the flowing pattern of the bark looked like a river. I noticed the nests of squirrels in the trees from afar. As the birds migrated south I instinctively followed their fly across the sky, as if I was connected to them. I went for a swing at the park just laughing my ass off at how I kept hitting the ground because I guess not too many tall adult males use those these days. Man, I went though the woods and dud everything unnatural is what sort of repulsed me. Like cars. They scared the fuck out of me, my friend got hit by one recently. I want along the curb in a straight line, I noticed everything man.

And then I met a new friend, an older man who was walking a cat without a leash and their connection was amazing. He could tap the tree, and the cat would climb it. It was crazy man, a stray cat he said. And I just mentioned how nobody notices this stuff (he was sitting at the tree I pointed out to him as we walked by, and then when I was by again he called me over to it). We started talking and he said well scientists do and we had an INSANE discussion about quantum physics and science in general. I was amazed that we both knew about that stuff, it was like meant to be. It's what I studied in school and I explained some stuff to him because I don't think he studied but he was very intelligent. He got me questioning my own explanations of the uncertainty principle, and stuff. It was rediculous and we shook hands and agreed to talk again. Then I called my friend and talked about literature and virtual reality and mixed reality technology until my hands got so cold I was like what's that shit you can get again if you get too cold. Uhh... I think frostbite? lol. Oh my god and looking at the sky, realizing how much is out there, it's only blue due to the nature of the scattering of electromagnetic radiation from the sun and how it interacts with the particles making up our atmosphere and enclosing our ecosystem. Dude... what are we DOING to this planet???? It's so beautiful and people just treat it like shit. But I looked beyond man and realized that there is The Void I guess you could say. Most of the universe is essentially a vacuum, an enormous percentage. \
And before you look at something, it exists as something else. I don't know what that is, I believe that the only thing that can truly exist is what one is focussing on or paying attention to in the present moment. I have known of this for so long but to experience it was very different and a necessity. The ony thing that can every possibly exist is what one experiences in the present moment and if there is no awareness then what exactly is there? The very act of observation completely changes how things are and allows them to manifests in structure and order. Dude, my mind has been officially blown.

I don't think I need this for much longer. That did it for me man. Getting outside in nature, the great outdoors! Nature is so essential. I just really didn't like the cars man, didn't sit with me well at all. Man THANK YOU for the warning, and I'm really sorry that happened to you. I can't believe psychedelics could even do that? And modafinil is like a stimulant or nootropic right? Never tried it but my fellow physics friend from uni asked if I could get him some. I couldn't... haha. Man you are really lucky with the car and omg I just realized that I've been talking about cars too because I was writing before reading. Dude... everything is so interconnected... the flowing river of the bark on the tree man. Like it wasn't really moving. I just realized that it had been there for so long (me and my new friend who were somehow drawn into this intellectual discourse discerned it was approximately 30 years old). Man, I believe that was meant to happen to you. And since you are clearly a kindred spirit, of course you or nobody else was harmed. You have a purpose on this planet to share you happiness and joy of life and wisdom with others. I sort of believe this is why heroin didn't kill me, at least not yet. I could have died so many times but I have a purpose here. I am a natural leader and educator and creative spirit. I am very much aware that it could strike me in my sleep at any time, and thanks for the warning.

I think I'll come down for now. It is honestly treating my chronic pain somehow too though... I don't even know how. It's still there, but I just don't care because I'm so busy focussing on anything and everything beautiful in this lovely universe of ours : )
 
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I wanted to tell you, I went to a gathering to reconnect with an old friend and met so many cool people... we jammed for hours and it was so epic and beautiful. Once I got comfortable with everyone I took some 2C-C and god did it help make the night even more amazing. :) Gotta agree with you, it's one of my favorite psychedelics.

Nature is absolutely essential. Without being in touch with and spending a lot of time in nature, I feel disconnected and start to become depressed. My girlfriend loves nature as much as me and grew up around here so she knows so much about the local plants... getting to know the plants around me has been wonderful and beautiful. I know a lot of things I can eat, and I do forage on hikes. We get back with various edibles and design a gourmet dinner around, it's awesome. <3

I grew up in Chicagoland... as an adult I moved where I live now and it's made such a tremendous impact in my life. The way I feel here is SO much better, more wholesome, more connected, more peaceful. When I visit my family in Chicagoland, after about a week I start to feel depressed in the concrete jungle. It's the way I always used to feel creeping back. I'm always SO happy to get home and shed that shit. I firmly believe that intimate connection with nature is important for humans, we evolved that way, I think it's one of the causes of so much emotional trouble in our modern society, that disconnection from what is actually real, from what life actually is. We're animals, and being in tune with that is healthy.
 
Man, chanterelles are amazing! I have always wanted to seek out morels but never found any. I like eating boletes too. Love my mushrooms. I have a lovely cottage that is in a very rural area on a small but very deep and clean and beautiful lake and it to me the most beautiful place in the world... there are cliffs nearby the cabin, it was built from the ground up entirely by my grandparent, and is a family heirloom. It is so lovely there, and there is a creek with very limited access that pretty much we can only get to and it's indescribably beautiful there. Oh man... if I was there right now haha mind mind would be blown. Bald eagles, bears, gigantic turtles, crazy snakes, so much bass and pike, owls, bats... it's completely amazing really. And I used to live in the rockies for quite some time working in a national park. It was majestic out there too. I definitely become depressed if I stay indoors and not get out for nature walks for a long time.

I need to behave the way I do on 2C-C when I'm sober. I need to do the same activities and keep up the same positive energy I had today as a sober person. Well, I feel completely sober even though I've been tripping for 4 days straight on the stuff now, but you know what I mean. So, I am going to develop these new healthy habits and a better way of life and then continue on without the chemical catalyst for change. And getting clean right now... I can't forget about that. I'd likely be hitting post-acute withdrawal symptoms hard if I wasn't tripping presently. I mean, being a heroin junkie and all, there is certainly some logic and reason to this... at least for the time being. I know it cannot last forever but for now it's changing my life.

I just spent 8 hours and 35 minutes talking with a lady I recently met, on the phone. Pretty ridiculous considering we are still just getting to know each other. It was a lovely conversation, man, I don't even understand how that happened the time just flew by and we had so much to talk about and even more. I just wanted to tell her about my walk (not mentioning that I was tripping out and having a glowing experience). She loves nature too, and camping and stuff like me and just a lot lot more it seems. Was really random how we met too... I was not looking at all at the time but that's always how it goes for me.

I agree completely man. People don't even realize that we are animals too, and as a result most of us don't pay much attention to them or respect them very much. I have a complete love for animals, always love encountering a beautiful deer in the woods, or seeing a massive snapping turtle or beaver swim under my canoe as I manoeuvre my way down the flowing creek at my cottage (my secret spot... nobody really can access it but my family, and the fishing is amazing there). I really need to get back in tune with nature since when I was using, I didn't really care. I didn't even go to that sacred beautiful spot this summer, because I was too busy being heroin sick. I had train tickets and concert tickets for two of my absolute favourite post-hardcore or metalcore bands I mean I have one of their band emblems tattooed just below the crook of my elbow on the underside of my upper forearm. I missed both shows, cancelled everything because I couldn't come up with the money for dope at the time. I spent those days bedridden, sick, puking, all of that... looking back, what was I thinking? It's okay, I am accepting of the error of my ways but I refuse to sit back and not fight for a total transformation. I just agree with all my spirit about your last few sentences. I'm going to make an effort to get outside every single day on the trails in the woods nearby, even though it is getting quite cold here. I like the cold weather and snowy winters anyway... hiking into the cabin along the icy lake as the dirt road is snowed in, getting in there and being so damn cold for a couple hours until the wood furnace heats up the place and it becomes the coziest place on earth. I did that with my first love and it was so amazing. The stars are so beautiful out there too... in these concrete jungles there are so many lights that they wash away the stars. People would get so much inspiration if they could see the beauty of the sky and milky way from an urban environment too. It just goes to show what our society values in life.

I had a wonderful day and that conversation I just had was very lovely. Man, I had a recent experience as well where I went to a house party randomly with a friend, did some coke that time (I'm never using it again), and met so many rad people as they hold little concerts for local bands there. I'm heading back there this weekend just by myself, and taking some 2C-C. Who knows what will happen, it will just be another adventure.

Man, picking wild mushrooms is so awesome. I really want to learn more about identifying different types of trees after today. There is one by my place that looks like a boddhi tree and I go there to sit and meditate. It looks like something from Japan it is surreal... I have no idea what it is and it bears these beautiful buds all over that look like weed flowers except they are crimson red, with a bubbly surface and shaped like pinecones. It's a really amazing tree, I was picking off leaves off the trees today and inspecting them and a lot of them were blackened and about to fall off and die away. It got me thinking about the concept of death. Hell, even picking up a paper towel to wipe off weed crumbs off my desk to make room for journal writing today was a profound experience. The paper towel really got me thinking about how much waste humans create and most of us don't even really care.

That's super cool that you enjoy 2C-C so much too. Man, I thought a lot about romance today too. As you know, I had that lovely one this summer that fell apart. Well, I realized that I don't need anyone but me to be happy. I am perfectly content being with myself. I have so many creative outlets at the moment it is ridiculous and goes far beyond guitar. I am actually writing a trip report for erowid on my adventure today, and so far it has been really fun doing that. I've thought for a long time about writing a book and I'm going to do it. Keeping in touch with my journal writing, getting more and more into poetry too. Reading really amazing books, I don't need anyone but me to be happy. And that is the first step towards building a romance that is really healthy. Not actually desiring one at all or even trying, that is when it happens I find and that is how I presently am feeling. I've been having a ball, and I'm supposed to be withdrawing from a serious habit that got completely out of control. Man... life really is a beautiful thing and I am sad to see humans continue to destroy mother earth. They cut off shark fins and leave them to die, the masters of the ocean destroyed like that for some stupid soup. Like 90% of their population has declined in 10 years or something like that. The deforestation in Cambodia for the extraction of sassafras oil to produce Mdma is disgusting (I really dislike Mdma, I feel like the experience is ultimately fake). Even the production of coke where they dump toxic waste straight into the amazon. Tearing down rainforests... how can we be doing this? It's all based on the ego and greed for pointless things. It really actually breaks my heart to see stuff like that... and today, the cars were a total downer.
 
I just wanted to tell you well done Shroomy!
You are making great progress. You needed a deep change at the spiritual level and you are digging deep and finding that!
I'm extremely happy and proud of your progress. Connecting with nature and seeing it with new eyes is huge!
Hold on to that feeling and to the experience you are having with your higher self. This is all just a learning experience.
Pain is a thorough teacher. You should be horrible post acute withdrawal sick but I honestly believe there is a way to ride it out up above it, so to speak. By using spiritual means. Eventually you get to a point where no drugs are needed to maintain that great, alive, feeling.

Ps: I was so proud of the way you confronted your demons. No fear!
 
Thanks! It has been one hell of a ride. Today was the first time I woke up and didn't use the Sacred Key immediately. I've developed a cough, I haven't been taking care of my body enough. I actually have some acute withdrawal symptoms today... it's only day 9 I think. I feel wonderful though. I made a yummy delectable vegetarian spicy pasta with chilis from my garden that I sun-dried and had a lot of ice water.
Had to come back to reality for a bit, but I plan on getting out for a walk again today through nature. I'm going to walk even further this time and through a totally different direction than last time. I'm really excited... I'll definitely be railing some 2C-C momentarily. I think the bad cough is from forgetting to smoke too much weed. I am smoking like 2 or 3 joints a day now, and I think the cough is from cutting back.
I'm sure I could not use it today, and have a lovely day. But, I am feeling the sickness a little still when I am not existing in that ethereal realm as much and more in the physical plane. I shall be taking off shortly. Fasten my seatbelt for safety, it's time for liftoff!!! Flight should take another 96 hours, please enjoy the trip.
Thanks for stopping in, I am doing great. One of the most important parts was realizing that it is pointless to desire anything at all. It gets in the way of achieving whatever it is I want. I am perfectly content being just me, I'm having a ball and the crisp autumn air is absolutely lovely. I seriously can't wait to get out and walk but I should probably shower and put on some new clothing and make myself look at least a little presentable. I need to read up on quantum perturbation theory in case I see my new friend around again walking his cat. Very intelligent, wise elder spirit. Can't believe I randomly met him and we had the joy of theoretical physics in common and he was asking me about some stuff that is extremely challenging to explain and really pushing my understanding of these things I was thinking about in a new way. I am an excellent teacher and leader, everyone tells me that. Super happy with my progress, getting clean isn't even hard. Well... I shouldn't say that, I'm just not suffering from it at this point. Pretty sure I was thinking of ending my life last week.

Unfortunately though, my spine is hurting like hell today. I am also sadly having cravings for a handful of percs. I know I still have a long way to go, but it's re-up time with the 2C-C : )

Made me realize how short a time it has been since I last used and I really very much need to be careful. Make sure to take my medicine daily for a little while longer to keep away from Satan. I'm still getting out for a beautiful walk and have my route selected. I'm not letting this pain fuck with my enjoyment of life anymore. It hurts So bad right now : (
 
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http://www.dictionary.com/browse/eurhythmics

I went outside and it turned into a beautiful photography adventure. I captured a massive gathering of birds and as I walked away on the path they flew off screeching I freaked out grabbed my phone and snapped a couple perfect shots of them flying away in various spacially eurythmic groups and it was a beautiful moment. I saw a woodpecker flying from tree to tree. I took a photo of my favourite house in the area... it looks totally haunted and ominous and abandoned. It is completely insane, I am so drawn to it. Never a car there. It looks like it is rotting away. I'm gonna walk by at night and see if there are ever any lights on. I really kind of want to sneak in and squat there for a couple of days trying to live off of weed and 2C-C while performing some sort of satanic occult ritual. Maybe with a ouija board. It seriously looks so haunted and creepy and of course the # is 22. There has been so much synchronicity in my life lately related to the time 2:22. I would have to sneak in at precisely 2:22am.
 
So it's been exactly 7 weeks of off and on Ativan use for severe anxiety,I was taking 0.5 mgs as need then stepped up.to 1mg as needed,at first the 1mg made me feel very drunk like and just out of it,after a few weeks it just made my anxiety symptoms go away without the drunkness and out of it feeling.my last dose was yesterday.

I took a 1mg dose as I went on a family trip for the day and did not want to have an axiety/panic attack and have to go to the ER.im wondering if 7 weeks of as needed use of 1mg once daily or 0.5 mgs 1 daily is enough to cause withdrawal or sezuire's,should I taper from this med when I see my doctor on Wednesday I'll ask him to taper me or should I be fine cold turkey,I was not using the ativan for rec use but for symptoms of anxiety and panic that sent me to the ER.i know y'all are not doctors but actually people with experiance.oh by the way,if weight matters I'm 126 pounds.

I was taking Concerta daily for ADHD and that was ramping up the anxiety/panic. But do you all think 7 weeks is enough to cause withdrawal as I don't have anymore doses to wean myself off.i never needed to take a 0.5 dose or 1mg dose more than once a day.i also take L theanine daily to help with the anxiety.sorry I'm just scared of building a tolerance,as I've used it the past but one day years and years ago.if I need to ween I'll email my doctor.but today I didn't feel bad as i did not take a dose
 
Hey there, you should absolutely taper off. It's the safe thing to do, and will cause you less stress.

I normally cannot ever taper, heroin and oxy's had to be cold turkey for me, but benzos are an exception. You need to taper and it shouldn't be all that bad if you do it slowly. Talk to your doctor and make sure it's not just a taper for a few days... you should taper for at least a few weeks. Keep in mind I'm not a doctor but I really think you should taper, you don't want to have a grand mal seizure it could kill you or you might bite your tongue off or something awful. You might be okay to cold turkey, but why take the risk?

They might switch you to valium (diazepam) to taper you off... I don't know, it's easier to do it with that. You could take really low doses like much less than 10mg... and slowly wean down to nothing over a couple weeks.

It's good that you are taking L-theanine. You should also check out Valerian, I take it in liquid phytocaps and it synergizes with benzos so I think it could help you (any health/supplement store should have it). Also, kava root might help you. Chamomile tea as well, I would suggest.

The withdrawal might take a couple days to kick in. I'd act as fast as you can and get into your doctor as soon as possible. You are wise to deal with this now as the long term tolerance can be dreadful.

You should be okay, it's a low dose, but definitely be safe. I have a severe anxiety disorder and take benzos as well as the panic attacks I get are as unbearable as the cold turkey heroin withdrawal I went through this summer after 5 years of sniffing that shit habitually.



As for myself, I will have two weeks on Friday. However, my oxycodone script comes out this week and I am very much aware of the danger. I'm going to need to visit my doctor to make certain I don't have access. Talking to the pharmacy isn't enough. My doctor will give them shit for selling to me after I very strongly requested that they never do so again.

I've been tripping for a week straight, writing a lot in other drugs social. Getting out a lot and meeting new friends. I have a strong feeling that I am going to meet the love of my life on this spiritual journey. I might already have... there was a lady at the candle shop who was working and we had a lovely conversation and it was absolutely wonderful and the look she gave me for a split second as I walked away... I have never been given a sexier look by a lady in all my life, and it was really meaningful too. There was a very real connection and she was so unbelievably beautiful. I commented on her dark crimson red hair... just said in passing, you have neat hair by the way. She was like, Thanks! It's kind of like yours. And it is... but mine is a darker more subtle shade of red and she has to be a creative, artsy type of woman to be given me such subtle cues and noticing my hair isn't straight black. I fall completely for women in the arts... especially a lady who knows how to paint, but really any sort of creative expressions that we can share together, and also have different outlets we can share together too. All the sexy women, for me, are into various forms of the arts, regardless of whatever outlet of creative expression it might manifest of. If it's not her... then it will be someone else. I can sense it, I know this is going to happen somehow. I can totally sense it and it almost always happens just when I am really getting clean, and I feel 100%, positively clean today : )

I am watching one of my favourite films... actually my #1. It's called Inherent Vice. It's a 2 hour movie, but I've been watching it all afternoon into the night. I should be done around sunrise, it has been blowing my mind and it's my third time watching it. Really hard to follow, most people dislike it. It is a masterpiece, a true work of art.

I really need to watch out about my prescription to Satan later this week. I might be suddenly tempted. I need to take preemptive action and ensure that I cannot have access to that shit.

I'm watching the movie in darkness by my candlelight shrine with an ancient, century year old clock I found neglected in a dark corner. It needs a lot of work, but I'm going to bring it back to life with the help of my dad. (it's too hard on my back to do some of the handy work, but I know exactly what to do to fix it... I have the winding key and everything. So, I'm sure I'll see that beautiful lady again at some point. I could sense something very real was there, but who knows... I am thinking in the present moment about my past experience if that makes sense.

I feel more in touch with myself than ever before in my life.
 
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How is everyone doing? Hope you all are well.

I fucked up my prescription again. I'm going to have to spend two days in morphine withdrawal. Well, I'm going to take some Imodium (loperamide) to try and bridge the gap again. Sigh. I feel like such a looser sometimes with this struggle. I have a huge hernia now on my right side and it feels like I have an arrow in me. It really hurts bad at times. There is so much pressure inside from I guess my back injuries and it builds up pressure in my leg and it actually blew out my stomach lining now causing a big hernia.

I am not looking forward to the holidays either. My family is majorly religious, weird religious and they make me feel so uncomfortable. They don't understand anything and are not only not supportive but they are downright abusive. I was totally on track with my prescriptions this month, was determined to make it without one day short and then my siblings showed up here to help do some repairs on this house and they completely attacked me over my need to use two and a half pain pills a day. They cause me to take extra medication. My sister has told all of my family and extended family how pain medication changes your brain and that she is afraid I am going to kill her. I'm serious guys. You just would not believe the utter bullshit I get from my sister and she has my little brother on her side too.

Oh well. I can't focus on the one step back. I have to keep moving forward. Keep trying.
 
Geez that's crazy man, I'm sorry you have to deal with not only an unsupportive family but a family with negative support. I just wanted to say, you shouldn't feel bad for having to take pain meds when prescribed them for chronic pain. I also wanted to say, it would be best for you if you don't think to yourself "they cause me to take more pain meds", because, although of course I sympathize that they are an additional cause of (emotional) pain, thinking that way turns you into a victim, it makes you think like you're powerless, but you're not. Good luck. <3
 
Xorkoth said:
Geez that's crazy man, I'm sorry you have to deal with not only an unsupportive family but a family with negative support. I just wanted to say, you shouldn't feel bad for having to take pain meds when prescribed them for chronic pain. I also wanted to say, it would be best for you if you don't think to yourself "they cause me to take more pain meds", because, although of course I sympathize that they are an additional cause of (emotional) pain, thinking that way turns you into a victim, it makes you think like you're powerless, but you're not. Good luck. <3
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Thanks Xorkoth! I really needed this and appreciate your response. You are absolutely correct. I cannot think to myself that they "make me take more medication". I will not be a victim to them. It has been this way my entire life with my sister. I have never done anything to her. She is convinced our dad loved me the most and she hates me I think. I wish she didn't feel that way. I always show her an example of love and I am proud of myself for the way I handled that. I was very mad but I hugged her and told her I loved her and that I would never, ever hurt her and to please not worry about that.

I really don't and can't feel bad about needing to take prescribed pain medication. I have some bad problems.
Problems that require me to have some kind of management over them because I certainly don't have control over them.
This is really hard living in chronic pain. I don't know how to live like this. I'm doing the best I can and I know that so that is all that really matters.
 
^^^^^^ that is exactly the proper attitude, PainfulOne .
With family, we're between a rock and a hard place. It's just as you stated with injury: it's something to manage since ya damn well cannot control it. Same with family dynamics.

Certainly those we love the most, have the power to hurt us most. This is unfortunate but true. Sounds like you've done what's right for YOU lately n if family wants to brood over it.... I guess they are entitled to burn daylight and waste their energies. Keep reminding yourself that Their reactions are not your reality. They are simply Their Reactions.

And oopsie-poopsie it just might be that they're fuckin WRONG.
 
Runningfox said:
^^^^^^ that is exactly the proper attitude, PainfulOne .
With family, we're between a rock and a hard place. It's just as you stated with injury: it's something to manage since ya damn well cannot control it. Same with family dynamics.

Certainly those we love the most, have the power to hurt us most. This is unfortunate but true. Sounds like you've done what's right for YOU lately n if family wants to brood over it.... I guess they are entitled to burn daylight and waste their energies. Keep reminding yourself that Their reactions are not your reality. They are simply Their Reactions.

And oopsie-poopsie it just might be that they're fuckin WRONG.
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Thank you Runningfox. I am extremely grateful for the support I get here from you wonderful folks.
Your response made me smile. Too right my friend, they are fuckin wrong in their judgement of me and they are free to waste their time and energies on complete bullshit and their own confusion.

I have had no choice but to manage this problem. I'm not going to wait until I am freaking out feeling like stabbing myself or begging for amputation of my leg again before I take some medication that stops that. I'm simply not putting myself through it any more.

Sending much love and support to you all.
 
Painful one, that nearly made me cry. Actually, it did, I'm in a sensitive mood and took a little tmore 2C-C than normal today. I can sense your pain as if it is my own. You helped me a lot I really appreciate that when I was struggling and my pain isn't as bad and I have two weeks tomorrow now. I owe it to support you too and I just would anyway, expecting nothing in return.

It's hard when your family doesn't understand and they say abusive things towards you because you're different. That's like my family, my and my brother (I'm 10 years his elder) have been abused by their authoritarian style of parenting. It has fucked us both up.

Nobody else in the family understands us, but we are best of friends. We know everything about each other, and it doesn't ever need to be expressed through language. We just know. I'm taking him out for a concert tonight for his birthday. And surprising him with a book I know he will love. I love him more than anyone in the world and I'd be lost without him. We have helped each other in so many ways, learned so much from each other, have had wonderful experiences together and for a 19 year old he is as mature as me. He really supported me throughout my withdrawal when no one else in my personal life even knew or cared to know. Through the brutal withdrawal of heroin this summer, and through my relapses with oxycodone that happened 4 times. Month after month, he stood by me as I cried and cried and I went through that breakup too and he was just there for me. I don't think I could live without him.

I don't mean to talk about myself, but I am trying to distract myself from feeling your pain. I hope there is at least one member of your family who understands you, it helps so much. If not, you must be very sad and I'm really sorry you had to experience that abuse from them when you are already suffering.

May the wind always be at your back and the sun upon your face;
And may the wings of destiny carry you aloft to dance with the stars
 
Ah Shroomy my brother, thank you. I'm sorry for making you cry and feel my pain. We are sensitive and beautiful souls. <3
It hurts me to know of the abuse you have also taken from family. It does fuck you up. Emotional pain is horrific also and this is the reason why I just don't like to refer to anyone as an "addict ". Pain is pain.
Yeah, I don't really have even one family member who supports me. It sucks extra bad because I am reliant on them to some extent now because I have not been able to work since 2009 and am now out of my savings. It does make me very sad and gets to me sometimes.

The great thing is though that I seem to always find others who help and care for me with such extreme tenderness and love that it always blows my mind. Just have to reach out. There are many who do understand and don't judge and who love one another.

You go have a great day with your brother. You are doing so well. It has been my pleasure to give you some encouragement and support. I'm so glad it made a difference and helped. I'm glad you and your brother have one another.

Thank you for the beautiful words at the end of your post. I have heard that before. It is very striking and greatly appreciated.
 
I feel your sorrow about being broke. I nearly fucked my credit rating to nothin today. My payment was posted literally hours away from financial ruin. It's okay for me now payment plan no interest I have a new job I get to work from home too the money's okay so it's good for my pain to work from home. I'm starting soon I'm going to love the work it's really neat.

I'm crying today. I just don't give a fuck. I was just out in the frigid rain for a walk in pain just anger anger anger and the cold dark clouds pouring rain from above everything was grey. Dead. Feeling dead inside but tripping and wide awake. I haven't slept in 2 days. Blazed one tightly rolled unfiltered joint in the woods in the rain and one on the sketchy side of the building. Didn't even cover my forearms or wear gloves I wanted my tattoo and hemp bracelet I made out to see too. Back tight against the cold grey stone wall on wet pavement as rain showered off the eavesdrop in front of me and I was fridgid and cold and angry and smoking a second joint. All in this man's honour. Lil Peep.

He died he fucking died and he's never coming back. Some of the best music I know. Lil Peep. Just holding up the phone to my ear and listening to Come Over when You're Sober... story of my life. Story of my fucking life. I can't shake it I can't fucking shake it and I'm going out with my bro tonight my gift to him for his birthday. I'm so sad I'm just blocking everything out I'm seeing dark crimson blood red visuals of flowers and entities as I close my eyes and try to block it all out. I just don't fucking give a fuck about anything today. He either overdosed or it was a suicide. This was all in homage to him. I feel his death within every bone of my body. I sense his spirit through his music and he was such a nice guy but heartbroken to the point of depression and addiction xanax opiates cocaine seems like whatever he didn't give a fuck. And now he's gone.

I've been crying all day. Not just over this. I'm lucky to be hear writing this. Sticking fucking needles full of heroin in my arm earlier this year when I didn't even know what I was doing. I just didn't give a fuck. At least I can feel. At least I can feel again. At least I'm alive again.

sometimes life gets fucked up, that's why we get fucked up, i can still feel your touch, i still do the same drugs

I can't fucking shake it.I need to feel the pain today. I don't give a damn about my back. This is way more serious than anything like that.

This whole experience was like looking out at myself in a mirror. 2C-C isn't always just fun and games. I sniffed up a massive rail when I heard he died I'm so sad today I can't shake it just crying crying crying like the frigid pouring rain outside it's a reflection of myself every day has been beautiful lately just like my mood and then today sad and the weather outside is like looking in the mirror. It's crazy. It's completely fucking crazy and me and my brother just texted each other at exactly the same time. It was crazy, he's just in class and I'm sitting here crying like we can sense each other if the other is hurting.

and my fuckin oxy's come out today. Good thing I'm broke. But I would NEVER get that shit that killed him. I don't care how much pain I'm in. At least I can feel at least I can feel.
 
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So sorry to hear you are feeling so low today and that Lil Peep is no longer with us here on Earth but he is not gone Shroomy.
"Death" is only an illusion. We do not truly die. This is a temporary separation. There is a reuniting in a better place. I promise.

Yes, the connection you have with your brother is very special and you do sense one another's pain.
I want and hope for you both to have a great time tonight.

I think you might feel a lot better if you could get some sleep before going out tonight. You are tired and have gone through a lot.
Pamper yourself in every way that you can right now. Things will get better. This dark day will pass and again you will have joyous days. It seems you have had more good days than bad as of late. I think your body is telling you to take it easy on yourself.
Sleep, eat, relax. This will pass. Just hold.
 
Yeah I strongly recommend getting some sleep Shroomy. We're not far off in age from each other, I'm 34. I used to be able to not sleep for 2 days and be fine, I'd get a good night's sleep the next night and I would never experience negative effects. I slept less than anyone I know. But as I've gotten older I can't do it anymore. I stayed up til 5am on Saturday and didn't sleep more than 3 hours, I also, incidentally, did 2C-C that night. The next day I felt very anxious and low. It took 3 days to recover from that one night of staying up late and not sleeping much. I think sleep deprivation affects you more than you probably think it does. To be honest I only fully realized this past weekend that I can't keep doing that sort of thing like I did when I was younger. I mean, I CAN, I can still function pretty fine, but it really affects my mood.
 
These messages meant the world to me both of you.

I am eating a lot of healthy food, mom just brought me over groceries and I'm have a vegetable soup with some bread. I can't sleep.

Xorkoth, I am tripping harder on 2C-C than I have since I started taking it past a week ago. I actually did sleep last night... I slept so late that I missed my evening chat with a friend and she was wondering where I was. I woke up at like 4am. I just forgot, in fact, that I have actually gotten some sleep. Just like 5 hours, but it was something.

I'm just tripping really hard right now and my sadness is lifting. I'm beginning to see his music as beautiful again. It's okay that I was feeling pain for a while. 2C-C isn't always just fun and games. If I'm sad, I'm still going to feel sad on it.

The craziest realization I ever had that my external reality is a mirror image of myself.

Thanks again you too I really need some support. My oxy script came out today and it's not fucking with me - I'll never go get them, but it just got me thinking about how depressing it was to be so enslaved to that and fucking heroin. I'm not sad because of lack of sleep... trust me on that one. I have a lot going on today.

I should have a great time with my brother tonight. He soothes my soul and I think he's able to drive too so I'm good cause I'm tripping really hard
 
Shroomy-- sorry to butt in.
Could you at least try not redosing before your plans tonight? If you're already tripping i would hate for you to over-indulge and then not have a good time. I'm sure the younger brother's really looking forward to these plans as I've seen you are as well. Don't over-do.

You're still pretty young and so is Xorkoth (as compared to others of us, who are on the backside of 40)... and I'm glad you slept , it sounds like a couple of 4-5 hour stints? Better than nothing. Your body processes do not fully function if you're not resting properly. Ive found that even when it's impossible to shut the mind off, even resting the body some (lie down/ turn off devices/ stay low) helps more than just shrugging off with ," well can't sleep so guess I'll just stay active."
At 29 -34 I was still able to pull a few all nighters and not suffer too much ..... but it's needless suffering either way. To enjoy the good times you have planned and coming up, you may have to slow down a touch before they arrive.


I hope you have a good time. And that the weekend provides a chance to rest/ physically take breaks . Of course your use/ rate of use on the 2C is something I cant comment on much as I've never experienced that substance; it may be the very thing preventing a great need for the benzos but do not forget your body is still expecting a benzo to balance out now n then.

Stay strong as far as that oxy script you don't need that crap.
Have a good day n pace yourself.
 
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