Positive The Tapering Support Thread v 2.0

[AlphaMethylPhenyl]

Yeah, might be a good idea to trash the temptations

 

[papercuts]

Yeah, might be a good idea to trash the temptations

One of the reason I post here is because after I explain, it all seems so obvious, even to me!

I always have shit lying around, when I quit cigs for example, I must have a pack somewhere or it's on my mind even more. I know it's probably asking for trouble in the long run, but I know myself well enough to know I'm tapering down opiates mostly because I need to travel without it, also because I will feel a better effect when I return. For a while.

I keep trying to have a different attitude, the kind of attitude where I'll quit for good, but this is my reality, my life, I'll return eventually and pretending otherwise is just deceiving myself. I like it and it takes away my bad thoughts, my PTSD, I've fewer nightmares on it. I woke my husband night before last screaming, "help me" again. I didn't wake this time, I had my headphones on so I don't wake for noise, not even mine but I've woke up in that dream before. I'm in an upstairs room, holding the door closed and the person on the other side is my stepfather. He's stronger and it's so fricking scary because I'm a child in the dream with all the emotional meltdown panic of a child or a trapped animal.

My husband soothes me back to sleep, touches my hand, speaks gently, tells me where I am, if I wake. There are variations on the theme of being trapped somewhere hostile in my dreams and in the day my brain works overtime too, I like to calm it, sometimes need to calm it. If I don't have shit here then it plays on my mind until I go get some, which starts an obvious cycle. That's why it's worse not having the temptations here.

 

[Squeaky]

One of the reason I post here is because after I explain, it all seems so obvious, even to me!

I always have shit lying around, when I quit cigs for example, I must have a pack somewhere or it's on my mind even more. I know it's probably asking for trouble in the long run, but I know myself well enough to know I'm tapering down opiates mostly because I need to travel without it, also because I will feel a better effect when I return. For a while.

I keep trying to have a different attitude, the kind of attitude where I'll quit for good, but this is my reality, my life, I'll return eventually and pretending otherwise is just deceiving myself. I like it and it takes away my bad thoughts, my PTSD, I've fewer nightmares on it. I woke my husband night before last screaming, "help me" again. I didn't wake this time, I had my headphones on so I don't wake for noise, not even mine but I've woke up in that dream before. I'm in an upstairs room, holding the door closed and the person on the other side is my stepfather. He's stronger and it's so fricking scary because I'm a child in the dream with all the emotional meltdown panic of a child or a trapped animal.

My husband soothes me back to sleep, touches my hand, speaks gently, tells me where I am, if I wake. There are variations on the theme of being trapped somewhere hostile in my dreams and in the day my brain works overtime too, I like to calm it, sometimes need to calm it. If I don't have shit here then it plays on my mind until I go get some, which starts an obvious cycle. That's why it's worse not having the temptations here.

I’m going through something similar, so I totally understand. The stress that it creates is so horrible that the idea of not having anything to stop it is far worse than the fear of staying dependent. And if the stress causes my life to fall apart (or end…), then the drugs are less of an addiction and more of a solution. Add the fact that nobody who loves me is deserved of watching me implode. It’s really something that most people simply can’t comprehend.

Unfortunately, the one thing that always fixed this problem for me was eventually the biggest problem in my life. Dr’s are happy to take the $$ and keep trying different pshyce meds, but nothing works for any length of time and quitting them sucks even worse. Most days it’s just a game of ‘making it through one more day’

 

[Painful One]

Hey Friends,

well, I am imploding in front of my family now.
I am trying so hard.
Been sick since November now.

I’m trying to just taper down the suboxone.
Before I get stuck with that.
The crippling Chronic pain and associated movement disorder is coming back full strength.
I don’t know what to do.
I am literally being eaten alive by pain and sweating to death.
Back to can’t eat, can’t sleep, can’t think, can’t move, no comfort at all.

 

[papercuts]

Hey Friends,

well, I am imploding in front of my family now.
I am trying so hard.
Been sick since November now.

I’m trying to just taper down the suboxone.
Before I get stuck with that.
The crippling Chronic pain and associated movement disorder is coming back full strength.
I don’t know what to do.
I am literally being eaten alive by pain and sweating to death.
Back to can’t eat, can’t sleep, can’t think, can’t move, no comfort at all.

I'm so sorry you are suffering this much and for so long. Are you getting subs for pain relief long term or just to get off morphine? They can't leave you without pain medication forever and if the sweating is too bad for you then you have to go back to the doctor and tell them the side effects are severe, change you over. There are alternatives, like fentanyl patches or buprenorphine patches. I've been told I'll gradually need more over time, so every year or two I ask for an increase and I get it.
Is it a problem with getting a diagnosis, or do they think you are better now?

 

[Squeaky]

Hey Friends,

well, I am imploding in front of my family now.
I am trying so hard.
Been sick since November now.

I’m trying to just taper down the suboxone.
Before I get stuck with that.
The crippling Chronic pain and associated movement disorder is coming back full strength.
I don’t know what to do.
I am literally being eaten alive by pain and sweating to death.
Back to can’t eat, can’t sleep, can’t think, can’t move, no comfort at all.

I can’t say that I know what you’re going through. But I personally had all of the same symptoms and it lasted for months. I’m really proud of myself now but if I had known in advance that it would be so incredibly miserable for so long, I doubt I would have kept going. I can totally understand now why so many who get cut off their pain meds turn to street drugs. I’m so sorry that you’re going through this P.O. I just kept telling myself that I had made it through so much and I could make it through one more day. Sometimes it was just pushing myself through one more hour or even one more minute.

Just hang in there. It gets worse before it gets better but it will absolutely get better, and you’ll be proud of yourself for making it through this hell.

 

[papercuts]

How do you keep going with quitting after the novelty wears off?
I can do the quitting thing, but after 6-8 weeks I can't do the staying off it thing.
I dunno why, just as it's supposed to get easier, I hit a wall.

Now I'm scared because last time I only just got through withdrawals, I got so far then decided I couldn't make it without maintenance. Luckily for me I changed my mind by the time they opened, so I didn't crawl to the clinic begging for methadone in the end, or I'd be stuffed for pain relief.
Every time is worse than the time before, so how do I ever try again when I don't think I am capable?

I stopped all my comfort meds, can't keep them forever, then turned to kratom, then got more pods, ffs.

I'm happily doped up to the eyeballs, except I didn't want to be any more, I opened a bag and smelt it, that was the point of no return I guess.

In February I did so well, March was pretty good too, it's been gradual since then. Normally I make excuses, today this is just honesty, I was free and now I'm not.

I'm so fricking annoyed with myself I can understand totally why people put bullets in their heads as the only way to end the cycle, and no I'm not suicidal this time, just very very ticked off, yet calm because of it.
I was retching this morning before having any, a sure sign I'm back into fricking dependance.

It was really hard to break that dependance, why did I throw it away?

 

[Squeaky]

How do you keep going with quitting after the novelty wears off?
I can do the quitting thing, but after 6-8 weeks I can't do the staying off it thing.
I dunno why, just as it's supposed to get easier, I hit a wall.

Now I'm scared because last time I only just got through withdrawals, I got so far then decided I couldn't make it without maintenance. Luckily for me I changed my mind by the time they opened, so I didn't crawl to the clinic begging for methadone in the end, or I'd be stuffed for pain relief.
Every time is worse than the time before, so how do I ever try again when I don't think I am capable?

I stopped all my comfort meds, can't keep them forever, then turned to kratom, then got more pods, ffs.

I'm happily doped up to the eyeballs, except I didn't want to be any more, I opened a bag and smelt it, that was the point of no return I guess.

In February I did so well, March was pretty good too, it's been gradual since then. Normally I make excuses, today this is just honesty, I was free and now I'm not.

I'm so fricking annoyed with myself I can understand totally why people put bullets in their heads as the only way to end the cycle, and no I'm not suicidal this time, just very very ticked off, yet calm because of it.
I was retching this morning before having any, a sure sign I'm back into fricking dependance.

It was really hard to break that dependance, why did I throw it away?

It’s 2 steps forward and one step back. Too easy to be angry about back tracking but its still a move in the right direction. Recovery takes time and the first step(possibly the most important one) is to recognize exactly where you are. The fact that you’re not making excuses is unbelievably important.

One day you’ll be done, completely. If you quit for years, without owning your responsibility in this situation, you will either relapse or live with anger from believing that you need the drug but aren’t allowed to use it. Understanding that the drugs are hurting you is so much more important than you realize. What’s worse than going back to the drugs after a few weeks of abstinence? Going back after a few years. Getting your life back only to flush it all away 5 or 10 years later would suck a lot more than what you’re doing right now.

It’s a process. You’re far too intelligent to just walk away from this (and stay away) without a complete understanding of where you are right now. And unfortunately there isn’t anyone in your life who could possibly understand what you’re experiencing. You can’t just stop until you are ready to stop forever. This anger you have against yourself today is a big piece of the puzzle, but your puzzle doesn’t have a picture on the box. Miss any pieces and you’ll never get to see the finished product.

 

[Painful One]

I can’t say that I know what you’re going through. But I personally had all of the same symptoms and it lasted for months. I’m really proud of myself now but if I had known in advance that it would be so incredibly miserable for so long, I doubt I would have kept going. I can totally understand now why so many who get cut off their pain meds turn to street drugs. I’m so sorry that you’re going through this P.O. I just kept telling myself that I had made it through so much and I could make it through one more day. Sometimes it was just pushing myself through one more hour or even one more minute.

Just hang in there. It gets worse before it gets better but it will absolutely get better, and you’ll be proud of yourself for making it through this hell.

Thank you my friend.
Your encouragement and support have been priceless.
I appreciate you so much.
You have been here on this journey with me for so long now.
Thank you.

Yeah, it gets worse alright.
I have lost almost 37 pounds now.
I am still not able to eat very much. Sleep has been a little better, but these hot flashes- sweating episodes all day and night are so horrific.
It isn’t just that I am all of a sudden soaking wet, there is a horrible feeling of terror that comes with them.
It wakes me up at night shaking all over with anxiety.
I just keep enduring hoping it will clear up.

I can’t taper the suboxone, at least not yet.
I need to get stabilized first but that never seems to come.
It has been 6 months now, since I got taken off morphine 75-90 mg a day and put on suboxone 24 mg a day.

I am really wondering if I am on the right medication, considering my medical issues.
The chronic pain is back full force.
I am WAY more crippled than I was when using the morphine.
WAY more crippled.
NO quality of life at all.

What do you guys think?
I am barely holding on. My body is so weak.
I don’t know what to do.
Nothing I can do really but keep trying.
The medical people don’t seem to know anything and I still cannot find a new doctor.
This is killing me though.
At what point does “addiction” become less important than death and having any quality of life?
I have had liver failure and the suboxone makes it so I really cannot digest food at all.
I take a few bites and feel sick. I get sick every time I eat.

I am holding on minute by minute now……

Does anyone know how I can find a new doctor?
I really need help with that.

 

[Painful One]

I'm so sorry you are suffering this much and for so long. Are you getting subs for pain relief long term or just to get off morphine? They can't leave you without pain medication forever and if the sweating is too bad for you then you have to go back to the doctor and tell them the side effects are severe, change you over. There are alternatives, like fentanyl patches or buprenorphine patches. I've been told I'll gradually need more over time, so every year or two I ask for an increase and I get it.
Is it a problem with getting a diagnosis, or do they think you are better now?

Thank you.
I am suffering hardcore.

It isn’t as easy as going to a new doctor- I can’t find a doctor who will even give me an appointment.
I am stuck with this nurse practitioner from my old doctors office who now runs a suboxone clinic.
She should know that I have had liver failure and traumatic brain injury, as well as REM sleep disorder which is a “precursor “ to Parkinson’s disease, and no that doesn’t go away or get better. It gets worse.
I have had all that diagnosed and have seen many specialists who all told me the only option was pain management.
I was in pain management for 16 years !
I was prescribed morphine for 16 years and then my doctor retired.

I can’t even explain to you what has happened to the medical people here.

I did go and tell the nurse practitioner all the problems I am having.
She can see that I have lost an incredible amount of weight.
I broke down crying and she walked out and won’t see me now. WTF???
She had some other nurse practitioner come in the last time and refused to even come talk to me.
Then didn’t call my meds in and made me suffer for days without anything!
I swear they are just trying to drive us pain management patients to suicide.

I had some quality of life with the pain management.
Now, I am so sick all the time.
I feel like my brain and Heart are going to explode.
My body is in PAIN!
I would be fine with not taking pain medication if I could eat, sleep, move, think, without them!

 

[lolis my thesis]

Painful One; I am sorry
My heart goes out to you; i can feel your desperation and understand how one can slowly lose all their family and other support systems as people give up on you..
I found a (cash pay) naturopath) who ordered tests for me that indicated super low levels of vitamin D; as well as other "off" metrics. Like my level is at 10 but it should be more like 60. My nurse practioner is like, meh, go outside more. And dismisses things such as "brain fog" or odd test results such as low sodium, or low vitamin D.

And NP is taking away my anxiety meds while only diagnosing me as having a psych disorder which he predicts will manifest itself as I ease off the benzos.
Overdose risk? ME? after 25 years; now they take the medication away; the black market beckons for my need to self medicate is overpowering. Docs dont have to wake up shaking, sweating, hot or cold to the max; no meds to take and scared in the middle of the night;

meanwhile I feel the same and not getting better or stronger even if I try to exercise. It just makes it worse. As I fear lots of whiplash accidents and surgeries have given me POTS (postural orthostatic tachicardia syndrome). Just makes one feel weak, sick and disabled almost constantly. Im still trying to skateboard but my balance is so wobbly I just want to give up sometimes. But it motivates me to work on balance and strength. Even if my condition makes exertion an iffy proposition. Exercise makes it worse somehow.
I suspect POTS; but the POTS specialist I researched and fought for an appt with, his office cancelled on me, as he is not taking more potential POTS patients. Seems long covid also causes a similar reaction (autoimmune or something). But I feel there is something to this and dang I don't want to give up and die; but that's where the medical establishment has me feeling cornered.

Low vitamin D, low sodium, heart racing for no reason, dizzy, not able to tolerate hot or cold or exercise for that matter.
But alas, he was the only POTS specialist in my state, according to his office when they cancelled my appointment and referral. They had no suggestions; I have to go back to researching a new doc myself.

Ive been wondering what the F is wrong with me for 24 years. I have a compassionate pain doc; while he can't diagnose me exactly; he prescribes me and most of all believes me that I am adamant that I have something wrong with me. He believes me when I can hardly stand up that it's not just a side effect of being sedentary or from the methadone, pregabalin, clonazepam directly. Which is what my NP is suggesting; and a transfer from Methadone to suboxone, and in 24mg strength. I know that 1mg is as good a 24mg for pain, at least how I understand it. i just don't want to be railroaded into change when i really want a more comprehensive diagnosis. But it ain't coming, this elusive dx. Try as I may....
I got a referral to a POTS specialist which I had been anxiously awaiting; they test you on a tilt table and that idea of motion makes me feel ill;
however, I got a call from his office. Since he is such a renowned specialist; the best in the west, so to speak; well I got a call from his office telling me that since my referral was for probable POTS, and that he has so many clients, that he is not currently taking new potential POTS patients. Their office told me good luck; that there were no other specialists in POTS in my state.
So back to the old drawing board...
Frustrating; I give up a teensy bit of medication; be it for anxiety or pain; and when I cry uncle; had enough, put me back on what was (kinda) working before.
My PCP is like, suck it up, go to work, even if you feel ill; just bite the bullet and get back on the horse.
Not so easy; when my life revolves around trying to feel well enough to go to regular appts; but not so unwell to end up in ER which they will not treat me due to opioid usage.
Thank you for reading, luck and well wishes to you all

 

[papercuts]

I got a referral to a POTS specialist which I had been anxiously awaiting; they test you on a tilt table and that idea of motion makes me feel ill;

I had that test done a few years back, had the 30+bpm rise in HR and I fainted on the tilt table (It only moves twice, to start the test, then after you faint they bring you level). Didn't make any difference to any medication or attitude of any doctor. It's a wishy washy diagnosis that is fairly useless because the doctors don't seem to realise what it's like to feel fine sitting down, so you want to do stuff, you get up and immediately feel ill. So you lie down and the cycle continues. It's not as if you can push through it, the blood literally drains from your head, you cannot fight that and stay fully conscious. At the very least you'll get severe brain fog if you can stay upright, still really difficult to work through.

I know that 1mg is as good a 24mg for pain, at least how I understand it

I think this statement is only for opiate naive patients starting pain treatment. I think any tolerance means you need 1mg above that tolerance, which could total a lot more than 1mg to get that 1mg of pain relief.
I went from an opium habit to 40mg of buprenorphine patches, that's equivalent of 3.2mg daily sublingual bupe, now I'm at half that, which might account for the mishap of getting back on it but I'm trying again before it's gets more hooks into me. Every hook will hurt, so I'll be sensible and rip them out sooner not later, like right now. I can't guarantee I'll last, but that's the plan.
The smallest patches they make are 5mg, equivalent to 0.4mg subs. While there is a pretty low ceiling where effects stop increasing with dose rises, the size of the dose still makes a huge difference and they wouldn't have ever increasing patch sizes if it didn't give more pain relief, these aren't designed for maintenance, it's just my improvised maintenance.

I was prescribed morphine for 16 years and then my doctor retired.

A healthcare system where numbers are more important than patients. It's inhumane and very sad that there isn't a solution offered after 6 months of suffering, it does no harm to society for the people who need morphine to have it. You need it, it's an injustice and you are not being heard. Yet there is no mechanism for an appeal to your life sentence of pain for no crime at all.

I believe it is my human right to make myself feel better if I want, so long as I'm not hurting others, I believe that is everyone's right and the law needs to back off and trust people to run their own lives. Would I prefer a life in which I'd never encountered opiates? No, I wouldn't. They cause some problems, but they solve more now because I'm older, in more pain, with less need to earn money now we paid our house off. I first got called a junkie when I was 13 or 14, I didn't mind at all, it meant they thought I was grown up. Not taking drugs didn't happen for years, not until my mid twenties, that was when I realised I could be a real person, respectable part of society, I hadn't died at 22 or 23 after all. Terrified of social services I stayed off everything until my youngest kid was almost 18. I didn't mean to relapse then, I lost my reason for abstaining and it went automatically from there. I want control of how I feel.

My parents were clear about who was responsible for me, anyone except them, lol, even at a young age. They divorced, remarried then my stepparents both made sure I was not part of their families, my parents both complied and eventually dumped their two eldest kids (of eight) onto the government, me and my older sister. I'm the only person I feel I can rely on, ever. I often lie awake at night and fight back the tears of why the fuck they did that, there was fuck all wrong with us. I'm still trying to untangle the manipulation and gaslighting that went on that convinced us we were bad people because everything was always our fault. My sister was scapegoated 4 years then dumped, immediately she was gone I got a shock, everything under the sun became my fault, I went from being regarded as a good child to being the trouble maker when nothing about me had changed, it was the family dynamic had changed, for the next two years I was relentlessly punished for things which used to be fine, so randomly I never knew what was coming next, I didn't know my mum's partner at all before they married and he wasn't nice. Then I got dumped too. Well I ran away actually, but wasn't allowed back, same difference, I see that now. At 16 I "knew" factually everything had been entirely my fault, even my parents' divorce in the first place, my mum said so countless times, and she said I'd cause her second husband to leave too unless I went first (she didn't want him to go for some reason), I went, then was in trouble for that too, of course I did it wrong. Now I have kids in their twenties and I know that there was no excuse for how we were treated. I slunk away feeling ashamed that I hadn't been a good enough kid for them and masking that with a huge attitude towards anyone. Didn't make me more loveable, but noone gives a shit if you're good looking and female you don't need to be a nice person as well. Certainly my mum's attitude in life.
I try to be a good person now.

These thoughts need some smoothing over sometimes. For those memories I vape weed, my brain chops up everything into manageable chunks and it ends.

Understanding that the drugs are hurting you is so much more important than you realize. What’s worse than going back to the drugs after a few weeks of abstinence? Going back after a few years.

Been there, done that, t-shirt and all. I'm not sure I think they hurt me, if it was legalised and stayed affordable I'd have no regrets and never look back.
Your words are always kind and encouraging, you keep this thread alive and I'd be in a worse place without it.

 

[Squeaky]

I

Thank you.
I am suffering hardcore.

It isn’t as easy as going to a new doctor- I can’t find a doctor who will even give me an appointment.
I am stuck with this nurse practitioner from my old doctors office who now runs a suboxone clinic.
She should know that I have had liver failure and traumatic brain injury, as well as REM sleep disorder which is a “precursor “ to Parkinson’s disease, and no that doesn’t go away or get better. It gets worse.
I have had all that diagnosed and have seen many specialists who all told me the only option was pain management.
I was in pain management for 16 years !
I was prescribed morphine for 16 years and then my doctor retired.

I can’t even explain to you what has happened to the medical people here.

I did go and tell the nurse practitioner all the problems I am having.
She can see that I have lost an incredible amount of weight.
I broke down crying and she walked out and won’t see me now. WTF???
She had some other nurse practitioner come in the last time and refused to even come talk to me.
Then didn’t call my meds in and made me suffer for days without anything!
I swear they are just trying to drive us pain management patients to suicide.

I had some quality of life with the pain management.
Now, I am so sick all the time.
I feel like my brain and Heart are going to explode.
My body is in PAIN!
I would be fine with not taking pain medication if I could eat, sleep, move, think, without them!

It’s not healthcare. It’s legalized drug dealing. I TOTALLY sucks! I have been there too. I’m really sorry you’re suffering.

The problems you’re describing sound exactly like what I went through. Absolutely everything hurts. No sleep. No appetite. Perpetual headaches. Blurry vision. It feels like being in a plane crash with a side of PTSD. It lasted for several months, maybe even a year. Then another year for my brain wiring to fix itself. I’m much better now but it was a very long road. And unfortunately, demanding what you need only gets you cut off from the very thing that is needed. I always put on a fake smile and portrayed myself like a wounded puppy. And I always pre-prepared my answers for whatever they could throw at me…. Gabapentin? It makes me nauseous. Physical therapy? It didn’t work. Acupuncture? Too scared of needles. Etc.

Again, only speaking on my own experience: I was miserable. Needing more than they would give. Suffering horribly for 1/2 of every month because I needed more than was given to stop the pain. It went on for 5 years I think. But getting away was the best thing I could have done. I finally told my Dr to stop prescribing the good stuff (lied and said I’m starting cold turkey tomorrow). Truth is I have been burning through each month’s pills in 3 days.

What I have learned from being where you are is this: You need sleep. Whatever you can do to get as much sleep as possible. And not just a bunch of little naps all day. Sunshine on your skin. Distractions like Netflix. Exercise if you can. But sleep, even it means getting drunk occasionally (but a hangover is 100x worse in opiate wd). Benzos, weed, anything you can get your hands for 6-8 hours of dead sleep at night. And just go one day at a time.

It takes about 7-10 days for the intestinal issues to pass in wd. The body aches and nerve pain take a few months. The mind-fuck lasts for a year or two. But you’re already starting. It’s hard…. harder than anything I have been through in my whole life. And I think the hardest part is lying in bed, for what feels like forever, just pondering the weight of the situation: how I got here, what it will take to fix it, how screwed up the healthcare system is, etc. Even wondering where I can buy more meds online or on the street. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy (ok… yes I would).

It’s easy for me to say it now that I’m in view of the finish line, but you can do this P.O. You have lived through so much that you must be pretty tough and strong. Don’t give up. Whatever road you choose, I believe you can get to where you beed to be.

 

[Squeaky]

There’s a really great docu-series called “dope-sick” on Hulu I think. Starting Michael Keaton. I think PO, Papercuts, and I can each identify with one or two of the characters in the show.

 

[smokeymcpot42088]

there was a decent movie staring micheal keaton about being addicted to coke. A documentary it is not but interesting.

Also 2.5-2.75mg clon-Pam

 

[papercuts]

How's everyone doing?

There’s a really great docu-series called “dope-sick” on Hulu I think. Starting Michael Keaton. I think PO, Papercuts, and I can each identify with one or two of the characters in the show.

I'd love to see it, but not sure I want my husband watching, he "knows" what I've told him about opiates, he doesn't delve deeply into things so is quite confident I've it under control.
Which of course I have
(not, insert a ton of sarcastic irony here).
Not had any since Thursday though, been a rough weekend.

 

[papercuts]

How's everyone doing?

Not had any since Thursday though, been a rough weekend.

Back to Thursday again, frick it's Friday! Even better

 

[Squeaky]

Back to Thursday again, frick it's Friday! Even better

Keep it up! It starts getting better after the first week

 

[papercuts]

Keep it up! It starts getting better after the first week

Yes, it's not bad now, all this on and off is painful but still breaks the daily habit.
I'll be ok now, famous last words.

 

[Squeaky]

Yes, it's not bad now, all this on and off is painful but still breaks the daily habit.
I'll be ok now, famous last words.

Just DONT GIVE UP. I know that you’re familiar with the feeling of going through withdrawals and going right back to the drug you had spent days or weeks suffering from in wd. I did it dozens of times and every time I felt soooo stupid for going right back and starting over.

It’s like jumping out of an airplane without a parachute and breaking both legs. Then going back up in the plane just before the casts come off and starting all over with no chute. Take it from me: If you give up now, you will have suffered through the WORST thing you’ve ever done and started all over so you can do it again one day. Even one slip up and you’ll be headed down this road again and that feeling of stupid will make it worse…. a lot worse.

The aches and pains you have now will get better over time. Mine took about a year to completely disappear. Now I only hurt where I’m supposed to hurt because of my injury. And I finally told my Dr to stop prescribing me the pills that I was addicted to. It was one of the most difficult moments of my life, letting go of my security blanket. But I’m unbelievably happy that I did it.