After our divorce I remained mad at her for ages over some abandonment issues but kept dreaming of her which really annoyed me. Always the same theme. We needed to talk somehow. I kept ignoring it because she was a nasty bitch at a seconds notice and I was a very sensitive dickhead when feeling cornered and over-my-head with her personality. Keeping boundaries with her was a full time, full attention job with no room for a bad day or a second to rest. My 'isims and her 'isims from growing up were NOT a good match but god we loved each other with a red hot passion that runs deeper than any ocean.
She kicked my ass at every damn game you can imagine - golf, pool, darts, cards - everything and almost ALWAYS. I'm not terribly competitive so I did not really care a whole lot. I mean, don't get me wrong, it *does* get annoying after a while but I also really enjoyed watching her kick everybody else's ass too. Our ending was chaotic and wildly emotional. We finally stopped talking in 2005. But, there was that damn dreaming issue. Hundreds of hours of therapy did not help. We were connected no matter if I liked it or not, and I think she wanted to talk and I was too frightened to get involved again so I kept to my side of the road and just did my life. For 12 years I passed relationship after relationship and opportunity after opportunity because of so many reasons but mostly I could not face another massive disappointment and I could never love and loose like I did with her. I was broken with or without her but at least without her I was sane.
After our marriage ended my life became really complicated with some health issues - nasty shit that eats away at me every single day. It's not something as clear cut as a diease where people are educated and can tell you a decent idea of whats what -- this crap is rare and is screwing with my bones and my spine. I've been fighting with surgery after surgery and weird nerve thing after weird nerve thing with Docs who are often busy stroking their chins going "never seen THIS before" -- I broke my lower damn back via a pothole in the road! My financial situation is beyond crap and I have to depend on the help of my friends to do things like do my laundry. Most of my family (sister - don't have kids) don't understand how messed up my body is because they don't "see it" so they give me hell for napping and not going to this or that because I don't feel well so I now just avoid talking to them. To say my life has become a depressing pile of crap enduring party would be an understatement. Sometimes I get relief for a month or so and think - this is it! I can get back to work and some simulation of "normal" as I know it -- then BAM! Back on my ass I go. I can't get hold of who I am or how to live my life.
I think about suicide daily. Some days are more serious than others. I've tried seriously a few times in the past but learned its pretty hard to kill yourself using pills that I have access to.
This last June a very good friend of my ex-wife called me up and told me she committed suicide. A feather could have knocked me over as I stood there in shock - my entire world spun around me. The story he told me for the next 60 minutes about who she had become since the last time I spoke to her broke my heart all over again. I understood exactly why she did it and for a while I kicked myself in the ass for not reaching out like she wanted me to (the dreams) but I just couldn't help her up when I was so down too. Not to mention I was amazingly fearful she'd let her nasty side loose and I just was would have imploded in dispare. I forgave myself for the guilt that started to pile up about that -- thankfully I feel ok about the self preservation of not reaching out.
I'm walking a very thin line these days about suicide. I sorta feel like it's not "if" but when. I don't feel wildly depressed or excited about it - I just know its there waiting for me when I have decided enough is enough. I can't take one. more. thing. I just started having some nerve problem where my speech is super slurry -- I know it sounds horrible but I sure hope its something that will take me out in one quick swoop so I can finally just be done and stop being forced to eat one circumstantial shit sandwich after another. I don't want to die. I want the shit to stop and if killing myself is the ONLY way left to make it happen - well then, I'll take it.
I will add... my dad killed himself (shotgun) some years ago but that's not my excuse. 32 with no positive things going on, lost faith in the possibility of a happy successful, fulfilling life. Just kinda over it. I could see the connection btw my dad's thing and where I'm at now, but I'm beyond that. 130 bars in my glovebox, quite a bit of alcohol. Will I succeed? Failed with 10mg x 4 Hydros, less alcohol, and 10 bars yesterday. Determined today.
Hey man I am sorry that things are tough for you right now. I am in pretty much the same boat. I have failed all the good opportunities that I was fortunate enough to have been given because of my addictions. Just try to stay positive and look for an opportunity that you are qualified for and go after it. Don’t worry about what other people say, especially those that are judging you or being negative. I am sure by now at this point in your life you are aware of the negative people and how they like to spread misery because of what condition their life is in. So just try to get past this part of your life and maybe try some new things out where you will meet some new people. I need to do the same thing as I am pretty much a recluse and my depression, embarrassment and anxiety always take the front. I am just full of regret and shame and I don’t really see how things can get better so I am probably not the best person to give advice. So please know you are not alone, there are many people like us in the same situation. So if you can focus on what you still have and try to take one step at a time, I wish you the best and hope better days are ahead for you.I'm in the club now, at 49 no one could say I didn't give life a good shot. I did my best but I feel I like a totally failed. I failed as a husband, a son, a brother, sometimes as a friend. I really don't have anyone or anything left to live for at this point. The regret alone is killing me, I always say if I could just go back and do it differently. But I know such thinking is useless, you don't get that option, there are no do over's in life. I didn't know that I didn't know...that's a phrase that sums up my life on about everything. If I could have looked in a crystal ball before each bad decision and seen the outcome...I've made so many mistakes! I was given so many chances to get it right, but alcohol and drugs always won out with me. It's not a pretty sight looking back at all the wreckage, I fucked up a lot. I have a few things going for me I say, it could be worse. I'm not homeless, I have a car(in rough shape but it runs), and I'm not in jail. But inside I'm empty and broken, alone and feeling like there really is no point in this thing anymore. Having said that I just don't know if I could do something like that to myself. I think of different ways and they are all awful, there is just no easy way out. Well I'll live another day, and try to live another day tomorrow, but it's getting tough now. I pray, I try to keep busy, but I have this nagging thing which keeps tapping me on the shoulder. I hope this feeling passes, I am coming off of almost a year long oxycodone addiction. I went to rehab for it but it didn't fix the broken me, it just got me off the oxy. I'm not going to rush this, I'm not in a hurry to do this but it is there and it's on my mind a lot lately, death just seems like the only way out of this pain inside. Thank you for listening.
^^^ you see people, this is good advice.^ I agree. We change a lot. I'm not at all like what I was 5 or 10 years ago. Amazing things happens to our lives and most of all - we do adapt, adjust to the worst conditions. We do that by instinct. I remember every time I wanted my life to end. After being here for a while I learned this is a common and expected response from ourselves trying to find a way out. This too will pass.