Last year I was seriously contemplating suicide and had set my mind to it, I even tried ordering an euthanasia drug online.
First, the wu office was closing early, and the second time I went there (the next day) they couldn't find the city I was supposed to send the money to in their system.
I ended up not ordering the drug as I started taking Valium which reduced my anxiety. In a way it saved my life. At the time I was feeling sorry I will leave this world without traveling again, without seeing Asia, something I've wanted to do for ages. Having lived for 6 months in a SE Asian country I craved travel and adventure. I did it, and was happy for a while.
Valium also helped me get through rape , which happened 9 months ago, and I got no emotional support from my family (my mother blamed me for it). At the time I was traveling by myself so I had no support and I didn't talk to a therapist.
I'm not exactly suicidal now, but things are not great at all. I am thankful that I'm at a better place, but sometimes I think that I am not scared of death anymore, and this fact alone freaks me out. Valium has numbed me a lot. I get emotional and sad If I'm rejected, I cannot control my emotions and fall in love just as easily as before, but when I think of death, I'm numb. Or maybe just right now, because I don't think about it so much anymore....Hope I don't , ever again ...