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TDS The Suicide Support Thread

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I can only imagine how you must feel--that is so much loss, one compounding the other. The worst part is that you cannot see a path forward to healing since you have had no luck with doctors, therapists etc. This is one of those times in life where you have to dredge up your last bit of courage and try to piece life back together one step at a time. Try not to blame others around you even though I can sympathize with feeling let down--they were probably as confused as you by the situation and focusing on the past mistakes is not going to help you now.

Since your wife is no longer to be counted on for support, what about other family? Do you have any support at all--anyone that you can talk to? Support right now is crucial and I hope that Bluelight can be a part of it but you need it coming from all corners. First, you need to address the underlying issues that got you hospitalized. How are you feeling mentally other than the despair at real-life events? How is the insomnia? Once you are back on your feet, you can address relationships and work but it's just too much to try to put everything back together at once. I can tell you that at 64 my life has been completely shattered a couple of times but life can be surprising--and sometimes the whole phoenix from the ashes thing is real. So don't give up and for now just concentrate on your mental health and reviving a sense of possibility if not optimism. Your death would be devastating to those that love you, particularly your children. The rest of what has happened will become a particularly trying time in your personal history but death would be the end. Try to take good care of yourself, seeking out different therapists etc until you find someone that has the tools to help.<3<3<3
 
Harsh as it can be the past has already been written and it's only the future we can affect or change. I can understand feeling let down, but try to forgive them and yourself. I haven't dealt with your situation but I do know loss - sometimes we get stuck in the grieving process and need external help to move on and find meaning again. Have you tried mindfulness? There are good guided meditations on youtube. It helped me, gave me a different perspective and a tool to be aware of myself but not caught up in the emotions of it all.
 
Yes mindfulness does help to some degree. I listen to eckhart tolle alot aswell. These things help but again they pull me back into the circle of negative thoughts and what if questions. I'm stuck looking for answers to the unanswerable.
 
And yes the people closest to me always relied on me to know what was the right thing to do. When I had my breakdown nobody really knew what to do for the best. Nobody did anything maliciously but looking back at the whole situation nothing about it was right or normal. I'm just surprised that nobody not even the doctor put the brakes on me making such a drastic decision in such bizarre circumstances.
 
Even if people had said something you might still have made the decision. I remember a whole group of us trying to convince a friend of ours that she should not panic after a divorce and sell the house and buy a new one with her half of the $$--it was during one of those crazy California housing bubbles. She ended up doing what she thought would make her feel better, bought an overpriced house, wasn't happy there or even staying in town but couldn't sell it for three years and then at a loss. She must have heard "Don't make big decisions in a crisis" ten times a day from 10 different people but at the time, in her mind, she just couldn't sit in the same house. But that bad decision turned out to catapult her over to Spain where she had some family and turns out she is happier there than she has been in years.

I'm glad to hear you are reading Ekhart Tolle. I feel like anything you can do to calm you thinking, to step outside of the panic that leads to fatalism, is a very helpful strtegy for getting through this time of huge change. I used Pema Chodron's book almost like people use their Bibles--carrying it around and taking life-saving sips from it whenever I felt like I was slipping into thinking my life was ruined forever.
 
I agree with it being good to read Eckart Tolle. I can also highly recommend The Wise Heart by Jack Kornfield, it's great. How are you doing today Trazodon't?
 
Unfortunately I'm the same everyday. I can't escape the empty feeling I have. I wouldn't even describe it as depression just hopeless emptiness.
 
That hopeless emptiness can even be worse than depression. I hope you can get some good help.
 
Trazodon't said:
Unfortunately I'm the same everyday. I can't escape the empty feeling I have. I wouldn't even describe it as depression just hopeless emptiness.
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To me that is what depression is. I can handle sadness, grief, even achingly deep pain but the dead zone that is depression is terrifying to me.
 
Greetings Folks, This is my first ever post here. Sorry if I'm barging in. I have just been having a very rough time. Thoughts of wanting to die, because of the extreme pain I'm in. I don't have a plan in place, it's just thoughts; but they are scary thoughts. Thoughts that are too practical and concrete, like how I should clean up my messy room so someone doesn't find out how I was living, instructions for my best friend on what to do with my storage unit back home in New York (lifelong New Yorker and Long Islander forced to live in another state because I'm physically ill to a no longer had enough money to live on Long Island, let alone New York City which is pretty much one of the most expensive places in the world to live. So these kind of practical thoughts and considerations are an indication that my thoughts have gone to a pretty Advanced degree. And I'm feeling almost calm about it, which worries me. The Google search that brought me here is what drug is the least painful to kill yourself with. That's not the greatest Google search in the world. But instead I found this forum and didn't even read about what drugs to kill myself with. So I guess there's a really good reason I did do that search. Maybe it was to lead me to a way forward rather than a way out. Thank you for being here and listening I'm sorry if this is not protocol I'm just too upset to do anything else but just write this while I can. Before I go catatonic again and just stare and think and cry.

I'm wishing you all strength hope and love to make it through another day, another night, another moment.

--Nycteris
 
You came to the right place, this community is full of kind souls more than willing to be of service. Wishing you strength and good vibes.

Godspeed.
 
I hope you kiddos hang in there.

Things will get better, just be patient!!!!
 
Hi Nycteris. Welcome here. Is the pain you are feeling physical? It sounds like you need some phychiatric help and help dealing with your pain. Are you recieving any help right now? It really is scary when those thoughts sneak up on you, but a healthy sign that you chose to write about it here. Feeling suicidal due to unmanaged pain is in my opinion understandable, it's impossible to hide from and drains all the energy one has. There is help to be had <3
 
I second what rebelmania says about chronic pain--it can definitely take all joy and motivation out of life. What does the pain stem from and what have you tried for it so far? Also, what kind of support do you have in your life as far as family and friends? If you do not have much support around you, I would consider exploring your local social services--you may have access to free or low cost therapy, support groups, pain management etc. Also, if there are any acupuncture schools where you live you can often get very low cost treatments from someone teaching students. I have had good luck and bad luck with acupuncture as far as pain goes--it did not help frozen shoulder but it does help my arthritis pain.

Bottom line is that I am very sorry you are suffering and very sorry that you are feeling it loosen your hold on wanting to live. Sometimes suicidal thoughts can be a way to let the mind have a resting place (rather than spinning out in thoughts of futility). Don't be afraid to call a crisis line and talk to someone.
 
Going through the same thing here... my addiction is opiates, mainly Lortab. Its been 48 hrs since I took something so I am waiting for something terrible to happen. I have had no symptoms at all of withdrawal. I don't know if that is a good thing or not... Is the worst yet to come??? Or maybe my withdrawals aren't going to be so bad since my dose wasn't very high. I hope and pray we both get through this.. I know we will! I am here if you would like to talk. I have just been keeping my mind busy by reading success stories on here. Hugs to you@
 
I see its been awhile since you posted Captain H but I hope you are still around here on the site. your posts are very uplifting. I sure need it right now.
 
chesney24 said:
I see its been awhile since you posted Captain H but I hope you are still around here on the site. your posts are very uplifting. I sure need it right now.
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The legend Captain H is most definitely still around and he can be found in many threads over in Sober Living. Welcome to the site, chesney24.<3
 
I had some very scary thoughts yesterday. Not the "Well someday I am probably going to kill myself" kind that I have be used to for a long time, but more of the "I can't stand this terrible feeling any longer I have to do something NOW" kind. Shook it off and today I am feeling a little better (with the help of some etizolam), but damn... :(
 
^Yeah, that sounds unsettling and scary. What exactly does the "terrible feeling" look like? Is it a generalized despair or self-recrimination or what? Sometimes if you can break apart the thoughts that overwhelm your emotional state you can be in a more powerful position to resist fatalistic thinking.
 
I think it was mostly about an overwhelming feeling of helplessness. I'm in a tough spot right now because something crazy and rather traumatic happened to me and yesterday I was in a constant thought loop of "If I don't tell anyone about it I am going to go crazy, but if I tell someone they are going to think I am crazy and not believe me, but if I don't tell anyone..." I have settled on the issue though and already talked to a good friend about it today and am going to see a psychologist next week. So I am not exactly feeling good now, but definitely better.
 
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