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The Suicide Support Thread

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Captain.Heroin said:
I felt awful this morning and I thought of all my friends who are gone. They would want me to be here. I wish I felt that way.

I am grieving really hard and I wish I could let go of this loss.
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Right there with ya man. Coming up here on the 25th makes 8 years since my best friend passed and it still wrecks me every year. I've been fighting it off but its really starting to hit now and ending it seems like it would be so easy until I remember a) how many times I've attempted to kill myself before and failed, b) how many people would be absolutely destroyed by my passing (its pretty much guaranteed when my sister found out she would be joining me soon after not to mention my best friend), and c) it would be an insult to the loss of his life to throw mine away as his was taken from him by a reckless driver, not something he had control over.

It still hurts though. All I can say is hang in there. The rain has to stop some time and the sun will come out again. <3
 
magic and CH, my heart goes out to both of you. I think the experience of grief is painful but it has a sweet edge. Every now and then I can make my way to that sweet edge where I may be sobbing but I am really just feeling so much love. I feel like it is an honor that the person bestowed on me to be able to keep carrying that much love.
 
Hello to the people who might read this...

I don't really know how to put this in words because even when I talk to my closest people about my pain, I always fail to really describe it. Maybe I don't know myself what's really wrong.

Anyway, the last few days have been some of the worst I've had, and I had many bad days in my short live. Alcoholic father with mental health problems, being bullied in school, suffering myself from depression since my early teens and suffering from anxiety and derealization since almost two years, I've been struggling a lot.
I don't even know why I feel so bad right now, because there were some huge things going on in my life. I travelled to India on my own recently, I applied for University and I started to look for my own apartement. The first week after I came back from India I felt great, like I am now finally able to meet the challenges of my life. But then something changed. Anxiety started to grow stronger out of nowhere and depressive thought formed in my head. And then, some days ago, while crossing the bridge of the Danube river, I suddenly thought about ending it all. Here, now. Now I am no stranger to suicidal thoughts, but at that moment, it became so strong, I wasn't sure, I would make it to the other side of that bridge.

Same thing yesterday, I walked along another river, in the city my sister lives in (whom I visited this weekend), and all of a sudden every bridge I've walked by could be the one...

I somehow managed to get home after my train arrived back in Vienna (maybe 40min ago) without doing somenthing stupid, but I'm fucking afraid of myself, and I fear that those feelings only might grow stronger until I´am no longer able to control myself. I don't want to die, but at the same time I feel fucking hopeless right now...
 
Thanks Captain...

I still feel like shit today, but I decided to go jogging now. I hope this feelings will pass soon...
 
I need my legal issues to go away, feel intimacy and have no debt/good credit once again. Until I can get at least two of those problems fixed, this really sucks :(

Not sure why I don't feel suicidal today. I haven't been to the gym since Wednesday and i havn't had sex nor masturbated in about 3 weeks.
 
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Ah.. Stupid benzo wds and opiate addiction. I'm supposed to be coming off the opiates on Friday. I don't know if I'm strong enough to do it. I'm sick mentally and physically. I guess time, previous attempts of overdosing, starving, purging, using drugs, smoking, not sleeping have taken their toll on me.

I've had (in reverse order of time) cysts, Bell's palsy, breathing problems, many chest infections, pneumonia, malnutrition.and bradycardia in the last 6 months and today found a lump.. I have self injured, burnt myself, stabbed myself, and things aren't getting better. I struggle to walk from a bad leg- I stabbed it twice deeply last summer and it has never been the same. I just spoke to my doctor regarding my scripts, and he told me how I sound like I should be in hospital again for my chest/ asthma as I'm breathless talking and moving. No. I know he means well but I swore to never be there again.

I want to just end it. I had a good life up until last year. Prosperity, innocence, self respect, health, morals, friends, family, everything! Now I'm a ghost of what I was. A disgusting mess. I don't have what's most important- no friends or family. I think I am ready to go. I was ready along time ago but listened to others and delayed it. Now is the time.

I don't think I will be here on Friday guys. I know nobody will even notice I am gone, as I lurk and make random posts all over. Perhaps you remembered my icon but I deleted it out of paranoia. It doesn't matter. If I am here, I will post. If my thoughts become my actions, I wish you all the best in the future and beg of you to not do the same, as you still have hope (even if it doesn't feel like it!!), get help and live. I know this sounds hypocritical of me, but I have been getting help for over a year for my issues and they are just worse. I am burnt out and want to surrender.
 
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Kace, things get worse before they get better. I know that sounds cliche but its the truth. A year is not a long time when you look at the big picture. Please don't go and end your life because you've hit a down swing. Everyone has them, its a part of life. Giving in is admitting defeat. You seem like a strong person who wouldn't give in easily and doesn't like to lose. So why are you going to give up the fight and end it? Keep fighting - when you come out on the other side, you'll be ten times better than you've ever been. It may take another year, it may take 5 years. You didn't end up like this overnight, you can't expect to heal overnight. Hang in there, I'm sure more people care than you think <3
 
kace said:
I don't think I will be here on Friday guys. I know nobody will even notice I am gone, as I lurk and make random posts all over. Perhaps you remembered my icon but I deleted it out of paranoia. It doesn't matter. If I am here, I will post. If my thoughts become my actions, I wish you all the best in the future and beg of you to not do the same, as you still have hope (even if it doesn't feel like it!!), get help and live. I know this sounds hypocritical of me, but I have been getting help for over a year for my issues and they are just worse. I am burnt out and want to surrender.
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I'd notice kace, I'd been wondering where you had gone.

It sounds like you are both physically and mentally very low, with all that going on it's not surprising you feel like you have had enough.

No one should consider themselves as having no value, you are important to this world, as important as anyone else. The fact that even in this dark time you are reaching out to others is testament to that value.

Don't give up the struggle<3
 
Kace, you have been very kind to me here on Bluelight and I want you to know how grateful I am for your words of empathy. I would certainly miss you but even more than that I would feel the despair I feel when watching a person--a wonderful, empathetic, funny and smart person like you--falling down exhausted from the struggle. Many counselors out there are inadequate. If the one you have been working with is not helpful, don't be afraid to look for another.

What is scaring you about going into hospital? What made the experience bad before? Is there any way that you could talk to the doctor about those fears?

There are many people here that care about you, Kace.<3
 
I wanted to know.. is there a way I can stop my relatives accessing my medical records after I die? I don't want them to have to find out about all of my weird demons.
 
Crampz said:
I wanted to know.. is there a way I can stop my relatives accessing my medical records after I die? I don't want them to have to find out about all of my weird demons.
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You better not be thinking about suicide man. Come on dude, you can pull yourself up and get back on track!

As to stopping your relatives from seeing your medical records, I'm not entirely sure about that. I guess it would depend on where you live. Like in the US, we have HIPAA that is supposed to make it so that people can't access your records without written consent from you but I don't know how it works when you're dead.
 
Allein said:
I'd notice kace, I'd been wondering where you had gone.

It sounds like you are both physically and mentally very low, with all that going on it's not surprising you feel like you have had enough.

No one should consider themselves as having no value, you are important to this world, as important as anyone else. The fact that even in this dark time you are reaching out to others is testament to that value.

Don't give up the struggle<3
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MagickalKat777 said:
Kace, things get worse before they get better. I know that sounds cliche but its the truth. A year is not a long time when you look at the big picture. Please don't go and end your life because you've hit a down swing. Everyone has them, its a part of life. Giving in is admitting defeat. You seem like a strong person who wouldn't give in easily and doesn't like to lose. So why are you going to give up the fight and end it? Keep fighting - when you come out on the other side, you'll be ten times better than you've ever been. It may take another year, it may take 5 years. You didn't end up like this overnight, you can't expect to heal overnight. Hang in there, I'm sure more people care than you think <3
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herbavore said:
Kace, you have been very kind to me here on Bluelight and I want you to know how grateful I am for your words of empathy. I would certainly miss you but even more than that I would feel the despair I feel when watching a person--a wonderful, empathetic, funny and smart person like you--falling down exhausted from the struggle. Many counselors out there are inadequate. If the one you have been working with is not helpful, don't be afraid to look for another.

What is scaring you about going into hospital? What made the experience bad before? Is there any way that you could talk to the doctor about those fears?

There are many people here that care about you, Kace.<3
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Guys, thank you so much for your lovely replies. You have really helped me and I want to give you all a big bear hug. :)

I feel so much better now. Pretty nervous about today (going on suboxone or hopefully subutex for the first time).

In response to herbavore- I'm scared of hospital as it brings back horrible memories of being out in their by an abusive ex. I was young and completely alone, ended up being transferred to another hospital along way from home for head injuries and a burst ear vessel and it was so painful, it being injected numerous times and drained. I was so scared and alone, then discharged in the middle of nowhere at 5am with no money, coat or phone, crying constantly and having to try and find a way back home. Other bad experiences include numerous overdoses and most recently, what I thought was a stroke but was Bell's palsy. They put me on the same ward, on the same date (just before Xmas) that my ex put me on. Sorry that was a bit deep/ long. It helps taking about it, I haven't for a long time but feel better for doing so. It destroyed me, but I feel a lot stronger now.

I realised that my low mood was probably the result of me stopping my anti depressants, and not taking my diazepam for the last week or so as I've had a really nasty chest infection. It didn't respond to the antibiotics, and it was getting to the point again where I was struggling to breathe after just walking up stairs. I've got an inhaler now so feel a lot safer.

Anyway, thank you so much guys and I hope you and everyone else on here is doing well. As MagickalKat said, you've got to keep fighting! It will make you a stronger and better person.

Much love to you all :) x
 
Kace, you are an amazing survivor. I knew it before but now I am really blown away.I am so glad that you came through the dark time last week without having to go to the hospital as I can understand how terrifying that must be considering the associations you have with it. Much love back to you.<3
 
God I hate feeling trapped by my circumstances. Either way I turn I will suffer either financially, physically, emotionally. 7 months on the water wagon and I am not feeling any choice but to continue down this path of sobriety. I don't want to be an alcoholic and drug addict, I fantasize about IV-heroin use and dream about drinking/using. But I know to much now, AA/NA + my past has ruined any chance I have of rationalizing a relapse. So where does that leave me? Stone-cold sobriety. At 28 years old. Gods will for my life is not making me happy right now, I can't take a day off from this shit.
 
You got to sobriety Get2Think, and that took a lot of strength. What is making you feel the most trapped? Are you bored? PM me if you want.<3
 
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