severely etarded
Bluelight Crew
^I'm actively seeking some heroin so i can peacefully euthanize myself 
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The Suicide Support Thread
- Thread starter tripnotyzm
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Captain.Heroin
Bluelight Crew
^I'm actively seeking some heroin so i can peacefully euthanize myself
much love SE You both are welcome to contact me.
Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
Sorry to kind of hijack, but I'm not sure of what to do at the moment. It's most likely a result of my intoxication on substances, but I feel so insecure and alone. I hate our modern day society and just don't feel like I fit in. I've felt like this for an extremely long time. I've just never been able to voice it I suppose. I'm feeling desperate at the moment. Perhaps I'm seeking attention. I have no idea anymore on what I'm doing and what's expected of me. Talk about fear and loathing. I wish death had no consequences. But soon those consequences in my opinion will no longer matter. For me its a matter of time. God help me.
Looking back at my life I feel as if I've already lived a thousand and I don't want to live a thousand more. Especially if they turn out to be anything like these damn lives I've been living. Lonely. Isolated. Trapped. Hell. Surely the afterlife must be better?
Looking back at my life I feel as if I've already lived a thousand and I don't want to live a thousand more. Especially if they turn out to be anything like these damn lives I've been living. Lonely. Isolated. Trapped. Hell. Surely the afterlife must be better?
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This is very hard to say, post online for the whole wide world to see, please don't track me down via IP address or what ever, to "help" or arrest me, this is posted as a reach out for help, and most of all, don't judge.
I am extremely depressed, I'm 18 and I've lost the three of four important people in my life, I've been homeless, I was emotional torn apart my whole life, started drugs at twelve, heavily at fifteen, I worked for three years and didn't spend a penny of my taxed dollars on me or my habits/addictions, 3/4 went to family, 1/4 was put away for a car, eventually stolen from me by my family, I've been in a psych ward four times, diagnosed with "PTSD, severe depression, chronic anxiety disorder, and Insomnia" currently not prescribed anything for it, I live in a two bedroom apartment, I sleep on a two seated couch and I'm six two, it doesn't work, I either take pain pills or smoke heroin, it's the only thing that make me happy aka euphoric, only thing that lets me sleep, not kill people, not kill myself, but extreme highs are sadly followed by extreme lows, I think of suicide daily, but don't get me wrong I'm not the weird junkie guy that you see and hide from, I don't used that much, I use just enough, maybe a little less, I look normal, just skinny, I had friends that don't even know I'm an addict, but one of the worst things, I'm alone.
That's pretty much my story. I posted this to let people know, that there are others that have been through it to, that there are other who have it worse, and I also posted this to ask how you deal with it. I'm miserable, I don't want to be miserable forever, how can I keep going on? Psyc wards are 50% there to help, 50% money hungry, and I don't have insurance, they do help get you on the perfect meds though, if you are thinking about going there, do it! but it's not for me anymore.
I am one of the most un-conceited people, this is by far the most I've ever talked about myself, I'm not some Munchausen or something seeking attention, just help.
How have you dealt with it?
What keeps you going?
Do you know what it's like?
I am extremely depressed, I'm 18 and I've lost the three of four important people in my life, I've been homeless, I was emotional torn apart my whole life, started drugs at twelve, heavily at fifteen, I worked for three years and didn't spend a penny of my taxed dollars on me or my habits/addictions, 3/4 went to family, 1/4 was put away for a car, eventually stolen from me by my family, I've been in a psych ward four times, diagnosed with "PTSD, severe depression, chronic anxiety disorder, and Insomnia" currently not prescribed anything for it, I live in a two bedroom apartment, I sleep on a two seated couch and I'm six two, it doesn't work, I either take pain pills or smoke heroin, it's the only thing that make me happy aka euphoric, only thing that lets me sleep, not kill people, not kill myself, but extreme highs are sadly followed by extreme lows, I think of suicide daily, but don't get me wrong I'm not the weird junkie guy that you see and hide from, I don't used that much, I use just enough, maybe a little less, I look normal, just skinny, I had friends that don't even know I'm an addict, but one of the worst things, I'm alone.
That's pretty much my story. I posted this to let people know, that there are others that have been through it to, that there are other who have it worse, and I also posted this to ask how you deal with it. I'm miserable, I don't want to be miserable forever, how can I keep going on? Psyc wards are 50% there to help, 50% money hungry, and I don't have insurance, they do help get you on the perfect meds though, if you are thinking about going there, do it! but it's not for me anymore.
I am one of the most un-conceited people, this is by far the most I've ever talked about myself, I'm not some Munchausen or something seeking attention, just help.
How have you dealt with it?
What keeps you going?
Do you know what it's like?
^^^^ I've managed to make it to almost 35...my b day is on the 24th. It's not been easy. I've had 3 suicide attempts and I've been in the psych ward 20+ times. I didn't get heavy into opiates until I had a Dr. prescribe multiple things to try and help my endometriosis. By the 3rd month I was on a 50mcg fentanyl patch with perc 10's for break through pain. I felt like I got my life back when I was on the stuff. it became my antidepressant...until the day came where it just made me more depressed. I've been on every SSRI, tryciclic, and even MAOI'S with no success. They all made me a manic mess. I know what you're going through...there is a lot I didn't post rape, abusive alcoholic parents...and more. But I'm still here fighting. I have no money...but it's not the end yet. We are all here for a reason. I know that sounds cliché...but I should have died 3 times. I'm here for all of you. PM me anytime. I'm not perfect. I'm still addicted to opiates. One day at a time.
fullycaffeinated
Bluelighter
My story... Skip to the end if you wish
I am so sorry to read some of the stories here. If anyone ever needs someone to talk to, I totally get it, I do.
I honestly think the only thing keeping me from thinking suicidal thoughts to the extent that I used to, is my suboxone. I have been suicidal for as long as I can remember. The first time I tried to kill myself, I was 12. None if my attempts through my teenage years were well thought out, and none of them warranted medical attention. But suicide has always been the option in the back of my mind, as I've gotten older, it's almost become comforting.
I really started getting into opiates about 5 years ago. Before that, I had taken them a couple times when prescribed, but never sought them out. My mom started giving me ones that my parents had never taken, and when I used all those, a friend at work got them for me from his dad. His dad became my first real dealer, he had a script that started as percs and ended up as roxies.
Eventually, opiates turned on me as they do for most, destroying my life. I spent well over $100k in the last two years of my addiction. I was stealing money from work, and sometimes did not have enough money to make nightly deposits because I had spent it already and not made it back yet. I was trying like hell not to get caught, at one point though my boss showed me a spreadsheet and every single deposit I made during one month was at least one day late. I don't know why he didn't do anything.
I had to borrow money from friends more than once, and my parents once ($1000, which is not the kind of money they have, they are retired living on my dad's social security), to avoid getting fired. I got high every night to try to forget the situation I was in, but it got to the point where I couldn't forget it, and I would just get ridiculously drunk and high, and still freak the fuck out, I would literally be shaking sometimes with fear of losing my job or getting arrested or both. I thought about suicide for the first time since getting on opiates, and just kept thinking about it.
I started seeing the girl I am currently with (even though I was married at the time) and eventually she called my best friend because I was suicidal and scaring the shit out of her. They wanted me to go to rehab that night, but I still needed to come up with money to deposit at work. I talked them into letting me wait til I got paid.
I ended up losing my marriage and all of my friends including the one who got me to go to rehab. I relapsed after getting out and started right back in stealing money. Shit was worse than ever, and I could not find a bupe doc. They were all wait listed in my area. This went on for three months til I found a bupe doc in my hometown, two hours away, on New Year's Eve.
I got on bupe and started getting my life back together. I still had two kids working for me that I used h with, so I kept using sometimes, though not as much. Things started to get better, and then my company decided to close 150+ locations, including the one I was running. I lost my job that I had had for 12 years. My boss got laid off too, but he had said enough about me that my previously immaculate reputation with my company was tarnished.
I've now been unemployed for five months. My job was my life. I have literally 0 friends, and my parents hate the girl I am with because they blame her for breaking up my marriage. We are still close, but I can't bring my girl there at all. My relationship with her is rocky at best. She goes through my shit and she always is suspicious that I'm cheating (I have never been faithful to someone). She wants to start a family and I am nowhere near ready.
Honestly, I should be more miserable than ever right now, but somehow, I'm getting through it. I think that I have an endorphin deficiency, and I'm very scared to ever fully come off bupe. I still use about once a month, but I can definitely say no to it if I don't have the money or whatever. I'm having a very hard time, and lately, thoughts of suicide have started to creep back in, but I think I'm too scared of messing it up and having to live my life with everyone knowing I tried to kill myself. Still, compared to life before bupe, I hardly ever think about suicide. Unfortunately, smoking weed really helps for me, in a lot of ways. It helps with anxiety, cravings, and I'm generally happier when I smoke, but my bupe dr does not allow it. I came extremely close to getting kicked off already , and if I piss dirty, I will.
Sorry for the extremely long post. I don't really expect anyone to read it all, but I just want other people to know that I get it, and sometimes I think the problem is one of brain chemistry more than anything else. For me, my life is the worst it's ever been, but I'm still having an easier time now. Please try every other possibility before you give up...
I am so sorry to read some of the stories here. If anyone ever needs someone to talk to, I totally get it, I do.
I honestly think the only thing keeping me from thinking suicidal thoughts to the extent that I used to, is my suboxone. I have been suicidal for as long as I can remember. The first time I tried to kill myself, I was 12. None if my attempts through my teenage years were well thought out, and none of them warranted medical attention. But suicide has always been the option in the back of my mind, as I've gotten older, it's almost become comforting.
I really started getting into opiates about 5 years ago. Before that, I had taken them a couple times when prescribed, but never sought them out. My mom started giving me ones that my parents had never taken, and when I used all those, a friend at work got them for me from his dad. His dad became my first real dealer, he had a script that started as percs and ended up as roxies.
Eventually, opiates turned on me as they do for most, destroying my life. I spent well over $100k in the last two years of my addiction. I was stealing money from work, and sometimes did not have enough money to make nightly deposits because I had spent it already and not made it back yet. I was trying like hell not to get caught, at one point though my boss showed me a spreadsheet and every single deposit I made during one month was at least one day late. I don't know why he didn't do anything.
I had to borrow money from friends more than once, and my parents once ($1000, which is not the kind of money they have, they are retired living on my dad's social security), to avoid getting fired. I got high every night to try to forget the situation I was in, but it got to the point where I couldn't forget it, and I would just get ridiculously drunk and high, and still freak the fuck out, I would literally be shaking sometimes with fear of losing my job or getting arrested or both. I thought about suicide for the first time since getting on opiates, and just kept thinking about it.
I started seeing the girl I am currently with (even though I was married at the time) and eventually she called my best friend because I was suicidal and scaring the shit out of her. They wanted me to go to rehab that night, but I still needed to come up with money to deposit at work. I talked them into letting me wait til I got paid.
I ended up losing my marriage and all of my friends including the one who got me to go to rehab. I relapsed after getting out and started right back in stealing money. Shit was worse than ever, and I could not find a bupe doc. They were all wait listed in my area. This went on for three months til I found a bupe doc in my hometown, two hours away, on New Year's Eve.
I got on bupe and started getting my life back together. I still had two kids working for me that I used h with, so I kept using sometimes, though not as much. Things started to get better, and then my company decided to close 150+ locations, including the one I was running. I lost my job that I had had for 12 years. My boss got laid off too, but he had said enough about me that my previously immaculate reputation with my company was tarnished.
I've now been unemployed for five months. My job was my life. I have literally 0 friends, and my parents hate the girl I am with because they blame her for breaking up my marriage. We are still close, but I can't bring my girl there at all. My relationship with her is rocky at best. She goes through my shit and she always is suspicious that I'm cheating (I have never been faithful to someone). She wants to start a family and I am nowhere near ready.
Honestly, I should be more miserable than ever right now, but somehow, I'm getting through it. I think that I have an endorphin deficiency, and I'm very scared to ever fully come off bupe. I still use about once a month, but I can definitely say no to it if I don't have the money or whatever. I'm having a very hard time, and lately, thoughts of suicide have started to creep back in, but I think I'm too scared of messing it up and having to live my life with everyone knowing I tried to kill myself. Still, compared to life before bupe, I hardly ever think about suicide. Unfortunately, smoking weed really helps for me, in a lot of ways. It helps with anxiety, cravings, and I'm generally happier when I smoke, but my bupe dr does not allow it. I came extremely close to getting kicked off already , and if I piss dirty, I will.
Sorry for the extremely long post. I don't really expect anyone to read it all, but I just want other people to know that I get it, and sometimes I think the problem is one of brain chemistry more than anything else. For me, my life is the worst it's ever been, but I'm still having an easier time now. Please try every other possibility before you give up...
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roxyroxy86
Greenlighter
Hi everyone.... I'm in the same predicament you are regarding suicide... I was up for hours last night contemplating it. I'm currently coming off a two week straight binge of Roxy 20's/30's. I was down to my last few, and ready to start my subs again when my boyfriend scored 2 scripts of 30's. How do you refuse that, right? But god I'm so tired...I'm so very tired of all the emotional & physical damage to my poor body.I'm exhausted, & I just want it to stop. I sat with a palm full of 30's last night & thought "it would be so easy just to give up. To sleep & not wake up." But I'm a coward & can't do that to my family. One day, maybe, when the pain is too much. But not now. I still have hope that one day it'll get better for me. One day I won't be such a fucked up person. One day...
Captain.Heroin
Bluelight Crew
Fully caffinated : it's worth trying to get off it. If you can't make it you can always resume the medication
I am 229 days off suboxone. I am really glad to have made it this far.
A lot of to everyone
I am 229 days off suboxone. I am really glad to have made it this far.
A lot of
to everyoneI was taken to Hospital yesterday by my friend. Sober & suicidal. I would have been admitted but I convinced them i was fine so i could leave & get high. It didn't help, now I feel much worse. Relapsing. Lying to fiance, family & friends. Not going to work. My job is everything to me.
I can see what's happening. Nearly died in March from suicide attempt # lost count. I'm fucking my life again.
Feel bad after reading some posts what people are going through
just needed to vent & tell the truth somewhere
I can see what's happening. Nearly died in March from suicide attempt # lost count. I'm fucking my life again.
Feel bad after reading some posts what people are going through
just needed to vent & tell the truth somewhere
Captain.Heroin
Bluelight Crew
Why not tell your fiancé family and friends what you're going through??I was taken to Hospital yesterday by my friend. Sober & suicidal. I would have been admitted but I convinced them i was fine so i could leave & get high. It didn't help, now I feel much worse. Relapsing. Lying to fiance, family & friends. Not going to work. My job is everything to me.
I can see what's happening. Nearly died in March from suicide attempt # lost count. I'm fucking my life again.
Feel bad after reading some posts what people are going through
just needed to vent & tell the truth somewhere
blahman8000
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Dec 3, 2009
- Messages
- 691
Please stick around and tell us that you're still here, and please conquer this. So many here do care and they are not just saying that. Speak your mind, if you feel comfortable to.
Kirstwa I'm so sorry you're going through this, can you open up to your fiancé or get some counselling maybe? I hope you take time to rest and feel better soon.
And greeneyes- it's good you are posting instead of keeping these thoughts to yourself hun. I really hope you remember that the horrible feelings you're feel right now won't last forever, you can fight this thing and get through it. Please listen to blahman, we are here for you and you're not alone.
I'm sorry people I'm terrible with my words it just breaks my heart to see other people struggling. I am too. I'm so sick of my addiction and how it rules my life. I have messed up my subutex script again, being too depressed to go to the pharmacy to collect it (it gets taken away if you miss it). I can't face all the terrible things I have done during my addiction and truly hate this horrible person I've become. I just want to get this all over with, I've given it time and time but haven't achieved anything really. Ugh I want to do it tomorrow. I just hope I don't mess this up like everything else. I'm sorry, please everyone else know that just as I want to, it's not right. I have no close family or friends, ill health, too many addictions and really nothing to live for. You do though, so please don't give up.
And greeneyes- it's good you are posting instead of keeping these thoughts to yourself hun. I really hope you remember that the horrible feelings you're feel right now won't last forever, you can fight this thing and get through it. Please listen to blahman, we are here for you and you're not alone.
I'm sorry people I'm terrible with my words it just breaks my heart to see other people struggling. I am too. I'm so sick of my addiction and how it rules my life. I have messed up my subutex script again, being too depressed to go to the pharmacy to collect it (it gets taken away if you miss it). I can't face all the terrible things I have done during my addiction and truly hate this horrible person I've become. I just want to get this all over with, I've given it time and time but haven't achieved anything really. Ugh I want to do it tomorrow. I just hope I don't mess this up like everything else. I'm sorry, please everyone else know that just as I want to, it's not right. I have no close family or friends, ill health, too many addictions and really nothing to live for. You do though, so please don't give up.
herbavore
Bluelight Crew
Kace, I know you feel trapped but you have not messed everything up--only some things that make it hard day to day. You haven't messed up your big heart and that is of utmost importance to this hurting world. Your kind words on these boards has probably been a lifeline for other people more than you know. Hang in there sweetie and don't give up.
whiteroom67
Bluelighter
Just checking up on here. I know sometimes it seems we have nothing to live for. I have been in that place too. As a matter of fact I often go back. But I will always find my way out again because there is always something to look forward to. Something to work towards. Just think what is it that really makes you happy. What out there really puts a smile on your face? Use that and go after that, no matter how simple or mundane it may seem. But don't just wait for that moment either. Enjoy the process. Get high off of the idea that you are moving towards whatever it is that makes you feel better and okay. Don't live too far in the future, because the future doesn't exist yet. Look at yourself this very second. You are probably fine, really. The problem isn't the problem, the problem is almost always one's attitude about the problem. I'm guilty of this myself, but I'm learning to catch it. If the present moment is unpleasant, unacceptable or awful, just realize that, it is as it is. Really, it just is at it is. Either leave the situation, change it, or accept it totally. Anything else is creating torture for yourself. I also like to think too... is there a problem? If there is no problem, then why worry? If there is a problem, can you do something about it? If you can't, then why worry? If you can, then why worry? 
It will all be okay.
It will all be okay.
Captain.Heroin
Bluelight Crew
Deleted member 175441
Bluelighter
I don't even know if the world I live in day to day is the same world. The universe is in my mind. I get delusions. The whole world changes. How the FUCK do I manage that. Plus I'm fucking BURNT OUT fucking terrible memory. I just want to be that high school kid again reading electric koolaid acid test imagining awesome mind expanding experiences I would someday have. Not develop schizophrenia from shitty friends tricking me into doing meth until the point I no longer had a "I dont do X drug because its not worth it" and now my life can be a living fucking hell. I don't know if half the shit i hear is real. fucking somebody read this and murder me
GOD DAMNIT I KNOW IM PSYCHOLOGICALLY INFANTILE BUT I WANT TO FUCKING REMEMBER WHAT WENT WRONG AND FUCKING FEEL EMOTION ABOUT IT. GET MAD. CRY. FUCKING BE ABLE TO TALK ABOUT IT
I had fucking dreams... and now I don't know if I'm even going to live for a few months at most before I fucking blow my brains out. I wanted to fucking live to be 30 and accomplished, 40 even. not fucking 20 years old fucking retarded and then dead
had a glimpse of hope... a flash. who knows what will become of the future (soon to be known as the present). if i get raped in jail im going to mutilate my dick and fucking stab a knife in my eye
GOD DAMNIT I KNOW IM PSYCHOLOGICALLY INFANTILE BUT I WANT TO FUCKING REMEMBER WHAT WENT WRONG AND FUCKING FEEL EMOTION ABOUT IT. GET MAD. CRY. FUCKING BE ABLE TO TALK ABOUT IT
I had fucking dreams... and now I don't know if I'm even going to live for a few months at most before I fucking blow my brains out. I wanted to fucking live to be 30 and accomplished, 40 even. not fucking 20 years old fucking retarded and then dead
had a glimpse of hope... a flash. who knows what will become of the future (soon to be known as the present). if i get raped in jail im going to mutilate my dick and fucking stab a knife in my eye
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Ds
Bluelight Crew
Game over drew, i fucked up. Had a kid, cant provide for myself, let alone the kid. I give up. She won, i sure as fucking hell whe wins the lottery. Because i am done, i quit, baby momma won. She won, the kids hers, so she can do whatever she wants.
Captain.Heroin
Bluelight Crew
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