i'm having such a hard time not getting high or doing any drug for that matter not even nonpsychoactive drugs i want to die and drugs will take that away but i need my tolerance to go down so i don't keep running out of meds and going through wds i wish i could just end it all but i don't have it in me to hurt people like that
You know Mr Flowers, when I tried to make a serious attempt at a fatal overdose, I am quite thankful I was talked out of going through with dosing more (on one of the two substances) to ensure the fatality. I'm quite glad I stayed conscious while I was vomiting, I am glad that I had a trusty friend I could talk to during the event (aside from people who pissed me off but wante me to open up).
Asphyxiation on your own vomit is an undignified death. It could have easily happened to me if I had taken more of the schedule 4 substance; as it would have inevitably led to a face-down blackout with vomiting to come.
The one person in this world (the second of 3 people I refer to Captain with the first being myself) who would have had to see my dead body, having drowned in my own vomit, does not deserve any more trauma in life like that. They have gone through at least ten thousand times worse than I have (when people tell me I don't know true suffering, I don't disagree and very well I may presume them to be right).
But this other captain (who would have discovered my body 3-4 hours after my death) has lived through trauma that I wouldn't have survived. I would have succumbed to suicide many years ago in their footsteps. I have even told them this to be brutally honest because I didn't exactly know how to convey to this person how infinitely stronger they are than me.
It never really hit me until now how very wrong it would be of me to have done it where I would have been discovered in that time or place.
And not until now do I realize that I don't need to kill myself. I just need intense therapy.
So Mr. Flowers, please do one small list of things for me. Tell your friends and family in real life that you love them. Give them a hug. Go on an enjoyable walk outside or a trip to the gym. Invest a few hours into your favorite hobby (for me that could be as an example... Listening to or making music, socializing, exploring the city I live in, coin collecting, playing they many, many card games I know, or even just sitting on a park bench and just enjoying the silence and the sounds of leaves rustling and birds chirping).
You at least owe it to yourself to do those things; but I am asking you to do them for me, because I am so sick that I can't enjoy anything at the moment: I am in that much physical pain.
But before I got sick I had the lovely experience of having severe sun poisoning as well as abrasions on my body. For you see I biked 12 miles yesterday. After the first three miles - thanks to this city's shit sidewalks - badly misaligned bike and deflated the tires. Then I almost
got hit by a car when I didn't want to die. Irony much? Reminds when I broke both bones in my right arm while I was walking to the gym.