The Suicide support thread

[sconnie420]

a day in the life of the mind of me..

I can feel the manic starting to come to the surface 2day.. Ill have 1 good day n twice as many bad days.. I'm sick of it. I'm not suicidal, but damn I can't stop thinking about my plans... Y do the "support system" I'm suppose to have, always try 2 get me up set, and pick constant fights w/me .. I just want to give up on everythng so bad, and its not like any1 would care or miss me if I was gone... :'( soo sick of my shitty life..

*end rant*

 

[mrflowers00]

it's so hard for me to make it through the day w/o drugs i hate it

 

[Pagey]

Fuck I feel horrible tonight, I'm so pissed I was having an okay couple of days but obviously it can't ever last, can it. I haven't slept in such a long time and I just realized I've lost 5 kilos in the past two weeks and I am so, SO sick of feeling like this and just feeling so randomly depressed for no reason whatsoever at the stupidest moments, and then it lasts for hours and I can't jump out of it. I really wish I had drugs right now but I know I can't go back to that...but I have no fucking clue what else to do to feel better and I am so sick of trying.
I mean the more I think about it the more I realized I've been unhappy for so much more of my life than the contrary so I don't really see the point in carrying on. Not that I'm going to try anything this time, I'm about to start a new life and have met some great people lately so I should give that a try I guess. But I am so sick of this.
I feel unappreciated and not loved and useless and like I'm not contributing to this world in any way.
All right I'm done now.

 

[herbavore]

Living with bipolar sucks. No doubt about it. But I have to say that the most interesting, smart, creative, courageous and passionate people in my life always end up telling me they have bipolar. BTW, it was a friend of mine that told me she preferred saying she lived with it rather than was bipolar. Hang in there, sweetie!

 

[J.Wallace]

Would killing myself really be that bad?

I have no family, except for my father. I have barely any friends. I'm not happy with my life. I'm not happy, ever. I abuse drugs. I'm constantly depressed, constantly switching emotional extremes and possibly even suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder. I constantly feel my mind unraveling, as I quite literally feel like I'm going insane, lost in my own mind.

Bottom line. I'm not happy with life. It's not just my current situation, but life as a whole.

I've been really thinking about suicide lately. Really thinking. I always have, but more so than ever I'm truly contemplating it. I've done more things to myself in the past week than I've done in my entire life, like cutting myself for the fun of it to writing suicide notes for the hell of it. One of which was actually serious until I found myself losing interest and got distracted, I guess my ADHD is good for something...

Would it really be that bad? I'd like to think I'd be done with this world, these people, this life. I don't want it any more, is it unreasonable and wrong of me to want to end it prematurely?

 

[herbavore]

It is not wrong at all. You have every right to have thoughts that give you comfort, release and a resting place. However, it really isn't a moral question as far as I can see. I know that you would consider all the pain your death would cause ( and from what little I know of your father I know that he would feel like a complete failure and blame himself completely). In the end, we all have the right to determine how we will live and whether we will live. I know that you struggle with this feeling on a daily basis and you are feeling it get bigger and bigger but some of it is circumstantial and some of it is deeper than circumstances. Circumstances always change. It is the part that lies below them that worries me. I spend so much time thinking about death now in a new way. Every day I wonder if my son has consciousness? I wonder if at the moment of his death he wanted to scream, "wait!". I wonder if all my beliefs about nothingness are wrong? His death humbled me by making death really, really real. I am not afraid to die but I am very afraid for young people that want to die because I was one and it all got better and I cannot stand to think about how life could have showered them with surprises they never could have imagined. Being young is its own heaven and its own hell. Some people have more of the heaven and some people more of the hell but the truth for everyone is that it is over in a blink of an eye and all the rules that governed that part of life just don't really apply. The whole game changes and we change with it. Right now you can only imagine more of the same. I am so convinced that this is just not going to be true for you. Please hang on, buddy. You are very special to me.

 

[mrflowers00]

it's best to live through the crap for the good however little the good is cause thats all your gonna get dead is dead nothing will happen you wont fly with angels or wallow with demons it will be incomprehensible nothingness

 

[DeathDomokun]

Exactly. There is nothing negative to be found in nothingness. It is void of good and bad.
Just because it's best for you to endure the bad, it doesn't mean it is for everyone else.
If you can't think of a single situation you'd want to experience, a single love you'd want to develop and nurture, if your existence doesn't have a shred of worth, then I see nothing wrong with throwing it away.

 

[mrflowers00]

everyone has the potential to be happy it really is just how you look at life most would say my life is shit but i love it all the same

 

[Flickering]

I felt like killing myself today. Totally on impulse, and not even over that big a deal. I'd just been really looking forward to something for a long time that I thought would help pull me out of depression. Imagining it, fantasising even, holding out through each workday thinking about it... and then it didn't happen. And suddenly I was sinking into the blackest state of mind I've been in all year. Gradually but inevitably, like the come-up effects of an all-too-familiar, fucked up drug. Worst part was I was out in public, so I couldn't express any of it, but I was fighting tears and suppressing sudden, seriously violent impulses, self-destructive spirals into a state of mind we all probably know here and I just call it 'hell'... and in the end, I went into a tall building and decided, if I could get onto the roof, I'd jump. It was a pretty half-hearted effort, but I wasn't able to, so I went home.

In that moment, the spotlight shone on every moment in this last year I've been trying so fucking hard to recover, and I saw that every supposedly happy moment was laced at the edge with a deepset unease that I don't want to feel, so I hide it from myself. I'm still that volatile, that this is all it takes to set me off and put me right back where I started. It was unbelievably frustrating, I still feel so helpless. I feel like I literally am in Hell, I must have died at some point and now I get to spend eternity with this depression, reaching for some new false hope one year only to have it slip away the next. Everything feels so wrong and has felt wrong for a very long time. Nothing's really changed.

I haven't even moved on from wanting to kill myself. I've watched friends go through it recently and I've thought, "At least I'm not there anymore. At least that was two years ago for me." But it's not, nothing's fucking changed.

You know when it came over me, I recognised it straight away, I thought "Not this again." But there's no fighting it. Suddenly the thought of dying becomes my only coping mechanism. Yeah, this is really bad, but I can end it any time I want. That's liberating! And yet I had an uncanny sense, looking up at that green EXIT sign on the fire stairs, that if I jumped, I'd just end up in some new layer of Hell.

I feel like I just wanna break down... this is a mess... it's twisted up and it isn't fucking fair.

 

[herbavore]

Oh, Flickering, you describe that feeling, that reality so well. It is a liberating thought albeit somewhat of a false one. It is like being in so much pain that all you can imagine, or want, is to go to sleep. But of course that isn't what you really want, that is just the response to not having what you want. Everybody wants happiness, companionship of some form and more than anything else, meaning. Wanting those and being deprived of any or all of them for any reason can land you in a devastating hell as you described better than I ever could. The one thing that makes a difference in all this is how we perceive it. Thinking that it will never end, that underneath all the effort and the changes and the small excursions into excitement or happiness is this endless unchangeable sorrow and despair locks the door behind you and then you are proven right: there is no escape. Embracing the sorrow you feel and examining it for the response that it is keeps hope in the room holding her foot in the door.

I'm so sorry that you have been scraped down to such despair after trying so hard. If you don't mind my asking, what have you been trying? One thing that strikes me is what a good writer you are. Have you ever taken a writing workshop of any kind? Expressing feelings and exploring them with the right brain is quite different and can be healing in a very quiet way. We are conditioned to live in the left brain only and it can be a very lonely side of the brain to operate out of.

I'm glad you are here. Feel free to PM me if it would help.

 

[mrflowers00]

i used to feel uncomfortable in my own skin and everything felt "off" but once i got older and hopefully wiser i have come to accept my life and for the most part enjoy it and i've had a very bad life by mosts standards

 

[Flickering]

Thanks, herbavore. I think that was what I needed to hear.

Normally when I realise I'm falling into one of these moods, I let myself go all the way in, but in the back of my mind I'm saying, "Just hang in there. No matter how real this seems, no matter whether it makes perfect sense, it is going to pass." That's the main progress I've made in the last year, to be able to do that. Not this time, though. I don't think I even wanted it to pass, I didn't want to be happy, I just wanted to die. I was that disappointed. I still am now, sunk down in this constant low where I want to lie in bed and do nothing, I'm let down with this backslide and I feel like giving up. It makes all this effort worthless.

The main thing I've been doing is figuring out where this state of mind comes from and how to get out of it. It's taken a while, therapy and trips and general focused introspection, but I think I finally know what this needs. When things get bad, I remind myself of my plan and of the progress I've made. Only, yesterday was meant to be a big step in that plan, and I fucking screwed it up. And any progress feels like it's been undone.

I do write. I've been writing a book about someone who overdoses on LSD. That probably sounds like it's been done to death, but there are a few things about the story that make it unique and interesting. And it's meant to be about the last seven years for me, told through fiction. So whenever I feel low, I try to put that feeling into the story so I can turn it into creative energy, and since it's happening to someone else I can see it more objectively.

But yesterday, I was looking around at the city thinking of all the work people have put in to build it, and fuck it, I didn't want any part of it. I didn't want to finish any damn book, I didn't want a splinter in my mind to have to exorcise into fiction. It was like, when things are this wrong, do you really think it'll make a scrap of difference if you manage to convey it to people? Do you really want to keep putting in all this effort, when this is the result? Or would you rather lie the fuck down?

 

[psychedelicate]

i think about it constantly, running through a checklist at the back of my brain. i want to be set free, but is it really going to be like this? why should it be so painless? What the fuck do you wanna hear? That you strong enough to do this by yourself? Gettin’ clean’s the easy part. Now comes life.

 

[herbavore]

Gettin’ clean’s the easy part. Now comes life.

so true. hang in there psychedelicate, it keeps changing though it rarely feels like it at the time.

 

[Pagey]

I wish I'd succeeded when I tried a few months ago, I've lost the courage now. I wouldn't have to try anymore. Wow, things would be so much easier...if only it could have worked. I feel so alone and I don't know what to do. Life has no point or purpose or incentive to go on. I hang on because I don't want to hurt the people I love but would they really be that much worse off without me?

 

[psychedelicate]

i think someone would be shattered, regardless. i don't know how much pain i am willing to endure to minimise the pain i inflict. it's all up in the air. underneath it all, i am still desperate to forgive myself, and separate some part of myself from my sins. at the end there is still something left over, that part, is the soul. and it can go from there to be anything.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

I felt like killing myself today. Totally on impulse, and not even over that big a deal. I'd just been really looking forward to something for a long time that I thought would help pull me out of depression. Imagining it, fantasising even, holding out through each workday thinking about it... and then it didn't happen. And suddenly I was sinking into the blackest state of mind I've been in all year. Gradually but inevitably, like the come-up effects of an all-too-familiar, fucked up drug. Worst part was I was out in public, so I couldn't express any of it, but I was fighting tears and suppressing sudden, seriously violent impulses, self-destructive spirals into a state of mind we all probably know here and I just call it 'hell'... and in the end, I went into a tall building and decided, if I could get onto the roof, I'd jump. It was a pretty half-hearted effort, but I wasn't able to, so I went home.

In that moment, the spotlight shone on every moment in this last year I've been trying so fucking hard to recover, and I saw that every supposedly happy moment was laced at the edge with a deepset unease that I don't want to feel, so I hide it from myself. I'm still that volatile, that this is all it takes to set me off and put me right back where I started. It was unbelievably frustrating, I still feel so helpless. I feel like I literally am in Hell, I must have died at some point and now I get to spend eternity with this depression, reaching for some new false hope one year only to have it slip away the next. Everything feels so wrong and has felt wrong for a very long time. Nothing's really changed.

I haven't even moved on from wanting to kill myself. I've watched friends go through it recently and I've thought, "At least I'm not there anymore. At least that was two years ago for me." But it's not, nothing's fucking changed.

You know when it came over me, I recognised it straight away, I thought "Not this again." But there's no fighting it. Suddenly the thought of dying becomes my only coping mechanism. Yeah, this is really bad, but I can end it any time I want. That's liberating! And yet I had an uncanny sense, looking up at that green EXIT sign on the fire stairs, that if I jumped, I'd just end up in some new layer of Hell.

I feel like I just wanna break down... this is a mess... it's twisted up and it isn't fucking fair.

Can you elaborate more?

Overall, just talking about this to others can help a lot. You can always PM me if you wan to.

When things fall through for me, I find something else to be excited about or happy about, and remind myself that even if I feel total frustration/anguish that something didn't come through, I know something else will. The same is true for all of us.

 

[Flickering]

Just wanted to say I've actually been feeling a lot better this week, and thanks to the ones here who showed concern, it did help. Something surprisingly constructive eventually did emerge from that suicidal episode, much to my surprise: I found a new way to see where these negative emotions really come from. Not really something I want to share because it's a heavily personal story, and I don't feel it's likely to benefit anyone else reading this thread, just a better perspective on my own psyche.

I expected to lapse deeper and deeper into suicidal thoughts, that's how this pattern went the last two or three times, but instead it seemed to snap in and out of existence... for which I'm profoundly relieved. And now I'm going to celebrate with a big dose of san pedro followed by some DMT, out in the desert.

 

[herbavore]

That is really great to hear that something really deep has shifted or changed from the usual pattern. I think the key to getting past suicidal thoughts is to focus within but when we are in their grip we are usually focused on the external parts of our lives that are causing us pain (like loneliness, lack of meaning, addiction, etc). The desert sounds quite appealing and it is always an amazingly powerful geography to me.