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The Suicide support thread

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Captain.Heroin said:
Couldn't you apply for a student loan?
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Pell grants could also be an option.

With subsidized student loans, you pay no interest or payments until college is finished for up to 10 years. You can also skip either 1 or 2 semesters (I think just 1) and you don't have to start paying back. You can either drop for 6 months or 1 year before you have to make payments on the loan. Pell grants don't have to be paid back. You don't have to go full time to get a loan or a pell grant. You can get both at the same time as well.
 
i would be in debt for a long time if i took out a student loan so thats not an option seeing as how chefs don't make all that much money
 
I don't even know. I don't want to live, yet I don't want to kill myself. I use drugs to mask my emotions, but it doesn't work, so I keep using. Day after day. I don't want to be alone, I hate this life so I figure if I have somebody to hate it with, at least I won't be alone in that. But what does that change? Nothing. Life is simply too much. i

I want to kill myself, some how. What do I do? I'm terrified of feeling pain, laying in some spot, slowly going through an agonizing death. I wish I had a gun. But, I sit and think...sometimes even pretending that I do, as though I have my finger on the trigger, about to pull it...and I can't do it. I'm terrified. I'm terrified of being terrified. It's just, madness. It's insanity. I'm scared I'm going to end up in a mental institution, in a straight jacket, forced to live out my life, people trying to make me enjoy life when all I want to do is not exist anymore. I'm tired of everything. I'm tired of caring for people, I'm tired of worrying about what I'm going to do with my life.

Fuck! What do I do? I just want to be happy all the time, I don't want to be this miserable. I don't want to have to write these stupid fucking posts just to let out my emotions cause nobody else gives a shit. I want somebody to always give a shit, but that's unreasonable of me to expect, it's simply asking for too much. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck! What do I do, what do I do? I don't know what else to do but shut up and keep going through these cycles of emotions and feelings and shit.
 
J.Wallace said:
I don't even know. I don't want to live, yet I don't want to kill myself. I use drugs to mask my emotions, but it doesn't work, so I keep using. Day after day. I don't want to be alone, I hate this life so I figure if I have somebody to hate it with, at least I won't be alone in that. But what does that change? Nothing. Life is simply too much. i

I want to kill myself, some how. What do I do? I'm terrified of feeling pain, laying in some spot, slowly going through an agonizing death. I wish I had a gun. But, I sit and think...sometimes even pretending that I do, as though I have my finger on the trigger, about to pull it...and I can't do it. I'm terrified. I'm terrified of being terrified. It's just, madness. It's insanity. I'm scared I'm going to end up in a mental institution, in a straight jacket, forced to live out my life, people trying to make me enjoy life when all I want to do is not exist anymore. I'm tired of everything. I'm tired of caring for people, I'm tired of worrying about what I'm going to do with my life.

Fuck! What do I do? I just want to be happy all the time, I don't want to be this miserable. I don't want to have to write these stupid fucking posts just to let out my emotions cause nobody else gives a shit. I want somebody to always give a shit, but that's unreasonable of me to expect, it's simply asking for too much. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck! What do I do, what do I do? I don't know what else to do but shut up and keep going through these cycles of emotions and feelings and shit.
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I think a great first step is talking about what's getting you down to anyone who is a compassionate listener, like myself.

Feel free to PM me man. :)

Talking about my problems with people I know care about me, normally helps me out a lot. I wouldn't suggest this if I didn't think it would actually help.
 
Captain.Heroin said:
I think a great first step is talking about what's getting you down to anyone who is a compassionate listener, like myself.

Feel free to PM me man. :)

Talking about my problems with people I know care about me, normally helps me out a lot. I wouldn't suggest this if I didn't think it would actually help.
Click to expand...

It certainly helps, tremendously. Today I feel much, much better. I can't help but feel that talking to people about my problems, simply makes things worse. I care about them, as friends or family, what ever the case, and I don't want to put my burdens on them. Why? Cause, I care about them, I don't want to bother them. I know though, if a person cares about you, hearing their problems and helping them out is a top priority. That's how it is with me, I'd hope it's the same for my friends and those I pester from time to time with my own problems. I just, don't know...it's weird.

Thank you for offering the help though. It's nice to know a total stranger is willing to lend an open ear. I may just PM you one day when I'm in need of some friendly advice :)
 
I found BL when I searched "which pills can kill you?" or something like that an hour ago or so. my problem isnt that of how unfortunate i have been. the thing is i have never been attached to anything for my good. I always felt like life was beautiful but i didnt deserve it. when i was 12, i remember staring at a knife and thinking that i should leave home and kill myself in a park that mom wouldnt be the one to find my body. I kept thinking loved ones, mostly my late grandma who had a stroke after grandpa died. also i thought dad would blame mom for it. but now, none of this matter. i am now 24 years old to realize that i have no motive or desire for this life. it hurts to breath the air you feel disattached. this last month, all the suppressed feelings of desperation and frustration poped out that all i can feel now is hopelessness and pain. this isnt the first time but this time i feel like i have no energy left to pull myself out of it so i called some friends. i am not sure if they really understood the seriousness of the situation. nobody can believe that i am like this. i kept it from them, i was the smart and mature girl they have always wanted to see. but now i am falling apart and this abyss is unavoidable. i cant see why i should live. what good it would bring...weeks have gone by only thinking suicide. i gave myself time but i dont know if i can see my deadline. i took therapy sessions and my "disorder" is PSD. but sessions had to stop before we could seek for my first trauma whose traits show that i must have been very young at the time because i had to moveback to my hometown. after a year, now i am worse than ever. I know people who love me would be very sad and maybe they cant move on. we all do something to hurt others. and i dont care. i am angry with them as well. i scream for help but they dont hear it because they think that it is not my voice.
(i wrote more that i thought i would)
 
J.Wallace said:
It certainly helps, tremendously. Today I feel much, much better. I can't help but feel that talking to people about my problems, simply makes things worse. I care about them, as friends or family, what ever the case, and I don't want to put my burdens on them. Why? Cause, I care about them, I don't want to bother them. I know though, if a person cares about you, hearing their problems and helping them out is a top priority. That's how it is with me, I'd hope it's the same for my friends and those I pester from time to time with my own problems. I just, don't know...it's weird.

Thank you for offering the help though. It's nice to know a total stranger is willing to lend an open ear. I may just PM you one day when I'm in need of some friendly advice :)
Click to expand...

Just know that it wouldn't be a burden for me. :)

I totally understand your reasoning. It really is up to you. I'm so glad to hear you feel better today. :D
 
ceren said:
I found BL when I searched "which pills can kill you?" or something like that an hour ago or so. my problem isnt that of how unfortunate i have been. the thing is i have never been attached to anything for my good. I always felt like life was beautiful but i didnt deserve it. when i was 12, i remember staring at a knife and thinking that i should leave home and kill myself in a park that mom wouldnt be the one to find my body. I kept thinking loved ones, mostly my late grandma who had a stroke after grandpa died. also i thought dad would blame mom for it. but now, none of this matter. i am now 24 years old to realize that i have no motive or desire for this life. it hurts to breath the air you feel disattached. this last month, all the suppressed feelings of desperation and frustration poped out that all i can feel now is hopelessness and pain. this isnt the first time but this time i feel like i have no energy left to pull myself out of it so i called some friends. i am not sure if they really understood the seriousness of the situation. nobody can believe that i am like this. i kept it from them, i was the smart and mature girl they have always wanted to see. but now i am falling apart and this abyss is unavoidable. i cant see why i should live. what good it would bring...weeks have gone by only thinking suicide. i gave myself time but i dont know if i can see my deadline. i took therapy sessions and my "disorder" is PSD. but sessions had to stop before we could seek for my first trauma whose traits show that i must have been very young at the time because i had to moveback to my hometown. after a year, now i am worse than ever. I know people who love me would be very sad and maybe they cant move on. we all do something to hurt others. and i dont care. i am angry with them as well. i scream for help but they dont hear it because they think that it is not my voice.
(i wrote more that i thought i would)
Click to expand...

Keep reaching out for that help and talking to your loved ones. They might just be confused about it and unsure of what to do since you've kept these feelings from them for so long. It took me years to ask for help and get it and a lot of patience, but it did pay off in the end. Is going back to therapy an option for you at all? I would do whatever you can to get back in there. It might take a while and you may have some hoops to jump through, but it will be worth it in the end.

If you need to, by all means go to your nearest emergency room and they'll take care of you. Don't worry about the money or what people will think about you, just focus on what it takes to get yourself better. That is what is important right now.

Please remember that you do have it in you to feel better and the feelings you are having are by no means permanent. Be patient and kind to yourself and things WILL get better.

Sending you lots of love and positive thoughts. <3 <3 <3
 
i finally found a way to keep my prescription drug abuse down to a more reasonable level i take a smaller dose than i "think" i need and have my gpa hold on to them to dull them out to me as needed yay!
 
mrflowers00 said:
i finally found a way to keep my prescription drug abuse down to a more reasonable level i take a smaller dose than i "think" i need and have my gpa hold on to them to dull them out to me as needed yay!
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Excellent!

I have always recommended this to people who would otherwise end up running out of their medication much earlier than they are supposed to. :)
 
taking a turn for the worse...

I have recently been going through a very difficult personal situation..I can't handle it anymore..I'm a disgusting person, and I make myself sick..I don't 4 see me being around 2 much longer.. :(
 
sconnie420, you are not a disgusting person. Whatever you have done or are doing that you are dissatisfied with can be changed. We all behave in ways that we aren't proud of, usually out of fear. Forgiving yourself is exactly like forgiving someone else; it doesn't excuse behavior but it says "we are all fallible" and then allows you to learn and move on. I hope that you can find compassion for yourself. You deserve it.<3
 
thnx guys..

I appreciate it ...some1 with some kind of religion pray 4 me. :(
 
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spork,
thank you.
you are really right about not really thinking about what people would think of you when you really need help. unfortunately i dont want to start fresh with a different psycholog. and the only option for me to go back to sessions with my ex-psycholog is to move back to that city. right now, it doesnt really seem possible due to economical issues.
when i am myself, i seem to see the solutions but what i am afraid is the times when i feel at the buttom and have no energy to bring myself up.
but now it seems that i still have some energy left, i just hope that it is enough to find what i wanna do and pursue it so that i can escape this confinement i've put myself in for years now.even having written here and receiving reply could give me more power to try, i hope. i cant be sure though as i have thought i was fine during the day i have written that post.
 
I understand how frustrating it can be to find a new psychologist in a new city, but I think you could at least try rather than suffer without therapy. You could also talk to your previous psychologist and see if they might be able to help you through e-mail or even video conferencing sessions. You do have some options. If nothing else, reach out to the people here in TDS. My PM box is always open as well. I know when I'm feeling down, it'll sometimes help a lot just to put the thoughts into words and get it out rather than bottle up my feelings.

Stay strong and take things one day or even one moment at a time. <3
 
anti social and considering a cut to the throat i have no life since i moved out of chicago im more of a weekend person like take a train 3 hours get dope nod on a street corner somewhere fuck this
 
i'm feeling much better about life now it's great and i haven't even started to make it better so i can only imagine how good life will be when i'm working in a nice restaurant making others happy with my food
 
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