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The Suicide support thread

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eh well i still have a libido but still haven't had sex in three years. now, where i'm starting to get my shit together i'm not getting the one medication that truly helps. before i took selegiline suicide was pretty much all i thought about. i read final exit back to front three times and even bought an helium bottle. but obviously i'm still alive.
i'll whole-heartedly recommend selegiline for anyone where other antidepressants don't work
 
Hey,Darksidesam, I had to go look up prostatitis because I had never heard of it. Is yours considered non-bacterial chronic? How long have you had it?

I am sorry to hear about the divorce and the financial fallout as well. It has got to be one of the more loaded situations---by loaded I mean that marriage comes with so many expectations and when it doesn't work out it is next to impossible for it not to feel like a miserable failure. In fact, so many times, it is not a "failure" at all. People change, reality is different from the fantasies we all bring with us to any relationship and life is often simply more fluid than marriage allows for. Everybody has their own unique story but it is not usually one of failure IMO.

I'm glad for two things: 1) you don't have a gun and 2) that you have your dog. My animals have gotten me through some pretty hard times. I know that depression feeds on itself and it is the hardest thing in the world to feel hope in the midst of it, but I hope that you can believe that there is still hope out there to be had. At 20, you are just starting out! You have so much time to find ways to define your life and how you will live it in the present. The future is always full of surprises. When I was your age, I questioned whether I could ever be happy like it seemed others could. At 58, I cannot imagine that anything could completely eliminate that emotion from my life. I am not sure how this changed but it did. Don't give in to fatalistic thinking. What you are going through right now is horrendously painful and hard; still, someday it will just be a part of your life story. The rawness you are experiencing right now is all you should worry about. Taking good care of yourself, getting sleep and eating right and walking that dog will help, but I wonder if you have ever considered some kind of practical therapy for the depression (like CBT?) Both Vaya and Dave have a lot of experience with that and I'm sure would be more than happy to tell you about it if you haven't tried it.

much love to you.<3
 
idk if this is the right place to post this, but someone who i knew on a regular basis committed suicide. it makes me soo sad :( and it makes me want to use heroin. why her??
 
herbavore,
thanks for the reply.

It looks like its Non-Bacterial, ive had it for about 4 years.
It made sex like impossible and being married young..... Well the inevitable was only to happen.

Ill stay strong and love my dog and stay true to him, if he aint got me he'd probs give up i wouldnt want that.

Ive never went for any kind of therapy really i really should, but i just dont like unloading shit loads of stuff.
Thank you, much love
 
I almost committed suicide a couple of weeks ago. Accidentally. Well, mostly. I drank an entire bottle of wine in about 10 minutes and took 3 - 4mgs Klonopin just before doing so (the kpin was to calm myself down, but the wine was to speed up the process - I wasn't expecting to go semi-comatose as I've mixed alcohol with things like Ambien before; kpin is a newer one I've been prescribed). Obviously it took longer than the 5 seconds I needed (anxiety attack/manic episode) to kick in and calm me down, so I grabbed a razor and started going at myself. It was the hardest thing in the world to stop myself from touching my wrists; somehow in the haze I willed myself to call my sister so that someone would know I was in a bad place - meaning I couldn't allow myself to go through with it.

I'm thankful now that my mania did not turn into an accident I wouldn't be able to live to regret. I do regret worrying my friends and sister, and wish I could just take it back. But a long sleep (about 20 hours) and large band-aids fixed it this time. I just want to be able to get to that point in my life where my first reaction is not to go so overboard when trying to avoid pain, as things could have been much worse than they were... granted, I wouldn't have minded at the time, but now I am happy it didn't happen that way.

Which is something I'll iterate here again, like I did in my first post in this thread: One day, you'll get past the difficult times, and you'll be glad or relieved that you didn't actually go through with that suicide. It's difficult to think that way while in the moment, but just try and remember that where you are at that moment is just one point in time and time marches on; so will you. <3


@laCster: I'm terribly sorry about your friend; please do your best to take care of yourself in your grief. :(
 
laCster said:
idk if this is the right place to post this, but someone who i knew on a regular basis committed suicide. it makes me soo sad :( and it makes me want to use heroin. why her??
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I'm sorry to hear that dude, it's always heartbreaking to know someone who goes this way, it makes you feel helpless in a whole new way. Keep yourself safe while you deal with that though.
 
SinisterMuffin, I am so happy you were able to calm down and also called your sister for backup. I am so happy you aren't in that complete and utter hopeless state where you shun the outside world of helping you. You do want to live and you know it won't always be like this and that is sooo good to know.

It also sucks though that you have to deal with episodes of anxiety and depression. You don't deserve to feel like that at all. Are you able to identify the problems that may be the cause of you cutting, feeling suicidal, depressed? If so do you think it is getting any better, even by a tad by day?

<3<3<3 So happy you are okay and feeling better today!
 
I want to die.

I am tired of being spat on by the women who I am attracted to.

I am sick of being worthless and humiliated.

I am weary of my body's decision to simultaneously tease me with hunger cramps and then make me want to throw up as soon as I so much as look at food.

I detest the weak-minded, dirty, disgusting, evil, arrogant, cruel, pustular, twisted, vile, depraved, posturing, schizophrenic maniacs who are commonly referred to as 'humans' or 'people'.

I want at least one human, even if it is merely a member of my family, to feel even 1/10 of the loneliness and suffering that has plagued my life.

Life is a trap. A cruel, dirty, disgusting, evil, twisted and vile trap which only the posturing schizophrenic maniacs can escape.

I hate the trap that I am in. I want out.


***

I have always adored the song Exist to Exit by Arch Enemy. It is one of perhaps 10 songs which truly speak to my soul and half have me convinced that they were written solely for me. Tonight was the first time I had ever become consciously aware of all of the lyrics to this song. After writing this post I went and looked them up and this is what they have to say:

"Living in the shadows
Crawling in the dark
Another face - you will never see
Another voice - you will never hear

Erase my mortal shell
To feed my dying soul
Morbid glory shines on me
I will leave my mark

You will know
When I go
You will see
Exist to exit

Suicide - Escape oblivion
Kiss the blade of sharp, cold steel
The perfect day for my final exit
Hold your breath when I die

Art, action, reincarnation
Evolution through ritual death
Reborn as an infamous legend
Forever immortal, post-mortem fame"

If it were not for the last stanza you would have no problems at all convincing me that that song is about me.
 
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I feel like the world is silently judging me for having given up on life...first for doing drugs, and then for trying to end it all. And even then I didn't manage to succeed, even then I was a failure. The irony is, comparatively my life really isn't that bad at all. I know it could be so much worse - but I can't feel it. I feel like I'm at the bottom of some moth-eaten pit oozing with the spit and contempt of the billions of people standing above me and gazing down on me. Like no one wants me in their life anymore, like I'm just a burden to those I still cling to. And then, even the idea of getting better isn't that satisfying - I don't want to follow the path society has traced for me and has layed out beneath my feet, I don't want to be another one of those robots that get married in their early twenties, have a couple kids by the time they're thirty, work, retire, and die. I hate that idea, I need either more or nothing and I don't think more is possible. If it is, I need to find it soon, to experience emotions and sensations so profound they'll convince me there's a reason to all this, because I can't see it. To quote the great movie Trainspotting, "I chose heroin instead of life"...I'm not there yet but I know I will be soon, I don't think I can turn back from where I am now, not now that I know what it's like to try to die and what it's like to fail at that ultimate task. So maybe I'll try again, harder this time, or maybe I'll turn to substances more and more powerful seeking some way of escape...I don't know. I don't know what to do.
 
Crook - haha no there is no speaking to them, I have tried, they dont believe they've done anything wrong, when you grow up in a cult and you question their ideals you are the evil one. They dont think there was anything wrong with beating me repeatedly, they dont think there was anything wrong with locking me in a wardrobe for days and then upon releasing me beating me for having gone toilet in the wardrobe (umm if u lock someone in a wardrobe for 3 days what do u think is going to happen? How is that my fault). They dont even think they were wrong for trying to examine me physically at 13 to check if I was a virgin. By the way I actually was a virgin but because I didnt want anyone examining me that must mean I wasnt and got me another beating. The day I was kicked out at 14 was the day I decided to hit my dad back, not such a good idea in hindsight, he dislocated my jaw and sent me to my room the next morning he popped it back in, himself, no doctor, and presented me with a trespassing order so had to leave. There is no talking to them because according to them they never did anything wrong.
 
Actually I do believe hitting back was a good idea, even tho a punch from an anorexic 13 year old girl doesnt accomplish much, it did get me out of there, and the paedofile freak I eventually moved in with may have done some uncomfortable things with my body but at least I wasnt having the shit kicked out of me, at least he spoke to me like I was a human being
 
Libby said:
Actually I do believe hitting back was a good idea, even tho a punch from an anorexic 13 year old girl doesnt accomplish much, it did get me out of there, and the paedofile freak I eventually moved in with may have done some uncomfortable things with my body but at least I wasnt having the shit kicked out of me, at least he spoke to me like I was a human being
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:( <3

The important thing is that you escaped a horrific situation, one way or the other. If anything, reading your story that you have shared here so far has shown me how courageous you are.

As I said earlier, you are always welcome to PM me. <3
 
*hugs captain heroin* I always thought I was a wonderful person too, I live my life without hurting others, yet im always seen as something evil, whether it was from my parents or now from society as a whole for being a prostitute, I feel like I am always under attack, accussed of having lax morals or whatever when deep down I know im a better person than they are anyway, but its exhausting always having to defend myself, always having to fight for my rights to br respected, always being hated for no real reason
 
Anyway I have thought about going and visiting old paedo freak brian lol, he's on parole in west auckland. I totally forgive him, I don't know if it probably sounds crazy, but it's easy to forgive him, he did what he did to me and all those young boys because hes sick, he has like a problem, which I assume now hes getting help for, he never hated me, he never wanted to hurt me, he was mostly very nice to me.

Also I'm not feeling suicidal anymore, I think maybe I was just having a very very bad period, coz it's stopped now and I feel better. Fuck it sucks being a girl.
 
i've been doing a lot better lately hence my not posting here in a long time for the first time in years i feel like life ain't so bad and could actually be a good thing and i know that when you feel suicidal that you believe even "know" it will never turn around but it really does so please hang in there cause one day you'll be glad to be alive
 
This is the first thing that I read when I opened Bluelight tonight and it has made me so happy! mrflowers you deserve to feel good! Things have been so bleak for you for so long and yet you have hung on. Thank you so much for posting this. :)<3<3<3<3
 
mrflowers00 said:
i've been doing a lot better lately hence my not posting here in a long time for the first time in years i feel like life ain't so bad and could actually be a good thing and i know that when you feel suicidal that you believe even "know" it will never turn around but it really does so please hang in there cause one day you'll be glad to be alive
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That's awesome to hear man!

:)
 
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