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The Suicide support thread

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I don't really know what the point of this post is as it is basically the same as all the others. I had a good life, I fucked it up before it even started. I'm a liar, a thief, cheat. I rob people, steal, break into houses, sell drugs to kids, lie to my own damn parents and i'm fucking 19. no regrets i hate mostly everyone have no friends who care about me period lost everything i've ever had. due to drugs? probably not i've always been a fucking hopeless loser

i have four choices a) suicide b) rehab c) disappear d) keep going and all of them make me a bitch so why not just pick the easiest way out ?! wow now i feel even worse bitching about my problems because it's my biggest fear and i think i'll go cut myself now because i know once i post this i'll regret it and if i knock myself out i can forget that i hit submit. jesus my poor parents but it's this or keep hurting them forever both of which are rude ignorant selfish and inconsiderate.
 
curioushat, please don't regret posting in here. You're reaching out for help because you want things to be better, and I think that is a really admirable and courageous thing <3
How viable is the rehab option for you right now? Have you discussed it with your doctor or anyone you know? If you think you need to go to rehab, it is definitely worth looking in to. Maybe just call a rehab centre in your area and see what your options are. There's no harm in doing that.
Also, even if you have lost everything, you can still get it back, trust me. You're only 19 man, you've got SO much time left to make things right again. You CAN do it. Please get the idea of suicide out of your head because I honestly do not believe it's an option for you, when you've got so many other things to try to make things better <3
 
For anyone that cares, which seemed to be no one, I no longer feel like having my brain turned into ejecta by my own hand. I was just thinking about some stuff from the past and went to a really dark place. But I talked to someone (another BLer who is win) and felt better.

so why not just pick the easiest way out ?!
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Because man! Taking the easiest way has no pride in it! You don't get a medal or a trophy or a degree because you did the easiest the thing! You are ashamed of your actions mate? Then step up, and take the challenge to make your wrongs right, and to not repeat them, and to KEEP DOING RIGHTS. It's harder than checking out is, but much more rewarding.
 
rangrz said:
For anyone that cares, which seemed to be no one, I no longer feel like having my brain turned into ejecta by my own hand. I was just thinking about some stuff from the past and went to a really dark place. But I talked to someone (another BLer who is win) and felt better.
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I care, I care a LOT. I am so glad to hear this rangrz <3 For what it's worth I actually couldn't decipher the jargon in your post and didn't realise what you were fantasising about doing :( I'm sorry I didn't reply to your post. Always remember that those thoughts/desires ALWAYS subside, so distract yourself and sit tight until they pass. I'm very relieved that you're feeling better. You know you can always PM me if you need to chat, okay? Remember that <3
 
I'm gonna hold on finishing myself off like I said I would tomorrow. I still see death as a appealing choice, but I'm going to not destroy myself with the lethal dose of opioids, at least for now. I guess one good thing about having a script for methadone is every month I can decide if I've finally had enough. I'm on the edge at the moment, and whats worse is not having that one person who has been there in the past to even call my parents telling them I was over dosing on drugs, etc, when I need them. I don't expect them to play the role of my savior, but just being there to talk when I feel completely alone is something I could use from her. Her voice was magic and made the day just slightly easier. Miss that.

I guess I just gotta be thankful that I do have good friends who are there for me, who do want me to keep trying because they know I can can make it.
 
n3ophy7e said:
curioushat, please don't regret posting in here. You're reaching out for help because you want things to be better, and I think that is a really admirable and courageous thing <3
How viable is the rehab option for you right now? Have you discussed it with your doctor or anyone you know? If you think you need to go to rehab, it is definitely worth looking in to. Maybe just call a rehab centre in your area and see what your options are. There's no harm in doing that.
Also, even if you have lost everything, you can still get it back, trust me. You're only 19 man, you've got SO much time left to make things right again. You CAN do it. Please get the idea of suicide out of your head because I honestly do not believe it's an option for you, when you've got so many other things to try to make things better <3
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Honestly thank you for your reply.. All I can really say is that suicide is really a last resort method and I'll always have it in my back pocket.. like if I had a cyanide pill in my cheek just like some of the Nazi officers when they were brought in for questioning

and whenever i feel like shit if i eat some oxy 30s and cut myself and smash my face into things.. at least that is one more day alive, you know? even if it doesnt get better it really can't get any worse can it..living as a pathetic scum is may or may not be better than not living though and I don't know what to do other than make it worse and eventually kill myself.
 
When you feel the uurge to self harm and get suicidal ideation/constant thougghts of death, i modify my clothes, cut them up, sew patches into jealns. And i also do artwork, journal enteries and make things or write music and lyrics. If you are able and not physicall disabled like me, i recommend martial arts, gives you an adrenaline rush, endorphine release and helps you meditate and have self control and discipline. Man i miss being in the cage, it was brilliant for my adhd and keeping my temper low, when i lose my rag, i lose it. Martial arts calmed that down loads.
 
I again re-state. Before you off yourself, think of me (The emergency responder in the abstract) who has to come and bear witness to it. While pretending to impartial, and then who has to tell your family and friends the details of what happened. Think of that EMT/policewoman/coroner/firefighter who has that task when ever someone takes their own life.

You push you problem and make it the problem of someone who has no relation to you or the problem you had. It's hard on us!
 
One thing that has stopped me from ODing after I already pushed myself to a dangerous zone was thinking about the reaction of my death to others. Like you said, even those who aren't close to you experience a part of your death, and it must not be easy to shrug off. Even more so, it was life saving for me to seeing the faces of my friends who've tried to help me out when I've been depressed and came to them after they hear about my passing. Hearing the cries of parent or siblings after they walked into my room desperately trying to shake me awake with no avail. To see the reaction of members to a BL shrine with a title bearing my name. I saw my death as further reaching than how I see my importance in this world through my hopeless eyes. It made me re think pushing myself to the point of no return.
 
mrflowers, is there anything at all apart from drugs that helps, or has helped in the past? I know you have been struggling with suicidal thoughts for a while now, could you remind me what you have tried in terms of therapy/medication/anything else? What is it specifically that is making your life so hard right now? <3

SplatChrome, I agree entirely with your post. I have been suicidal recently - and that is the main thing that is helping me to snap out of it now - seeing the reactions of my friends and family and imagining how much worse it would be if I had died. I've experienced the death of a loved one first hand and it truly is the most awful experience a person can go through.. I'm really glad you have something protecting you from going too far, and I hope that in time you will want to live for you as well as to prevent pain in those who love you <3
 
i have chronic neck and back pain i'm bipolar, schizophrenic, have panic disorder and major depressive disorder also i can't keep a job due to these problems and i've always had an extremely hard time in school i want to go to culinary school but i'm not sure i can do it cause i'm so out of my mind and in so much pain the medication i take helps but not very much
 
I'm really sorry to hear that mrflowers.. are you seeing a pain specialist and a psychiatrist/psychologist/therapist?

I know how it feels to want something but not think you can handle it, I am in a similar position - but it would be worth a try I think, you don't know what you are capable of until you attempt it. We are incredibly resilient creatures, even if it doesn't feel like it, and having something positive in your life could really help with your psychological wellbeing as well as help you to cope with your pain better. I think you should go for it! :) <3
 
I'm finely heading in the right direction. My father is gonna help me see a doctor soon, and hopefully a psychiatrist. Things have been shit, lately. Still wishing something would kill me. Things were good for a little, since I was seeing this girl I knew, but things with that just went south. She doesn't even wanna see me as a friend anymore. I totally fucked it up, like I do with everything.

I hate myself, soooo much. I fuck up everything good in my life. I wish I was still addicted to painkillers, at least then I was slowly killing myself and numb at the same time. Heh, it's pathetic really. I wish all these things, but I really think I just want to be loved. It's a shame. It's all fucking loops, cycles. It's never ending. I just wanna crawl into a pill bottle and die. I can't even do that, I have no fucking money. I'm just miserable all the fucking time.

I constantly think of different ways to kill myself. I'd prefer to just blow my fucking brains out, but I don't even have access to a gun. Everytime I'm at the train station, I think of jumping in front of the train, but it's always going too damn slow...not quick enough, too painful of a death. Part of me wants to just know what people's reactions would be, part of me just wants people to regret not helping me. Another part of me just wants the attention. It's all so fucking confusing, i have no idea what I want...or why I want it.

Fuck it, I'm just going to sleep...I've ranted long enough.
 
Hi J.Wallace, it's great to hear that you're sober and that you're going to seek professional help soon. I wish you the very best with that <3
How long have you been sober for now? You need to remember that it can take many months for your brain to restabilise, during which time you're probably going to continue to feel pretty crappy and depressed. I know it's hard, and it makes you just wish you never got clean! But trust me, it WILL get better. Being sober is the best decision you coud've made. I know it doesn't feel that way now. But gradually over time you will begin to feel a little better. Are you doing any exercise? How's your diet, and are you getting enough sleep? Keep your head up man, keep going, it will get easier. Keep us updated with how you're going okay? Take care <3
 
Well, I've been not sober, but not addicted to drugs for a year and three months now. When I stopped I was doing around 120 - 150mg Oxycodone a day. It was all free, cause my mother had lung cancer and she preferred her vicodin so she gave me her Oxy's. She wouldn't give me all of them, but she'd give me on or two a day, and when she went to the bathroom I'd steal another 2 or 3. It was a fucked up time for me. When she died I had to quit cold turkey.

Since then I've dabbled in Opiates quite a few times, but never had the funds to support a habit, as much as I wish I could. I mostly just do various drugs from time to time. Don't really like to drink or smoke pot anymore, but will occasionally do both when I got nothing better to do.

People always say things will get better, and I know they do...but I'm just tired of the constant lows. It's so miserable, and I hate being a miserable person, nobody likes being around that. I don't really have any friends, nor a life. I'm heading nowhere, and seriously considering joining the National Guard to help me with college and money. Don't have any family left, so it wouldn't matter if I lived or died. All I have is my father, and we don't even talk much. Ever since my mother died, I've lost all sense of purpose. She was sick, so my purpose was to take care of her. Now I have nothing, so I find love and purpose inside pharmaceuticals and narcotics. And when I find outside affection, I suffocate it to death and it runs away. It's an endless cycle.

Oh well.
 
You know I think that much of what you are going through, J Wallace, is still heavily influenced by losing your mother and that process of coming back into life after such a devastating loss is a long one. I have lots of empathy for how you feel about being a "downer" around other people. It can be exhausting to balance letting our feelings show with the reality of the effect that has on others.

I think that recognizing that your need for someone can be suffocating to them is very positive. You have something to work on and it is totally possible when you see what the problem is. You'll get there. Making yourself your own best friend is a lifelong process but one that reaps huge rewards. Becoming emotionally self sufficient has the paradoxical effect of drawing others to you. Be patient with yourself. You are introspective and that is a great skill.<3
 
I am a long time bluelight lurker, but things have gotten bad enough that posting seems appropriate. I am a 21 year old college student. I hate myself. And every time it seems like I couldn't hate myself more, somehow I sink deeper. I am an alcoholic, and black out virtually everyday. My school work has gone to shit. I was fired from my job recently for consistently showing up stoned. I look back at my life and all I see is 21 years mediocrity. I am a lazy selfish person, and have promised myself to change on an almost daily basis for the better part of the last ten years. I wish I could blame it on the drugs and alcohol, but I was a failure long before I picked up a single substance.

The reason I am posting in this thread is I think about killing myself a lot. Not that I have ever seriously considered doing it. It is more of a daydream/fantasy. I don't know why, but imagining it over and over seriously makes me feel better. The suicidal thoughts are relativity recent, and I don't how normal it is to fantasize, with no intent of actually following through. I just want to be happy again. I can barely even remember what it is like.
 
moose03, I'm glad you posted. I hate myself for different reasons, but I know how godawful it feels to struggle and feel like a failure over and over and over. I've been doing it more than twice as long. :) One thing I can say: while you look back and see only mediocrity and failure, that's just what you see. There's more to you than that--and, yes, I do have the brass to say so without having met you. I can hear it in between your words.

You lost your job for showing up stoned. You fucked that up. That doesn't mean you'll fuck up the rest of your life. At 21, I was ping-ponging in and out of psych hospitals, and a lot of people probably wrote me off as a basket case. I'm no poster child for sanity now, but I'm working a demanding job (though with difficulty), and not one of my coworkers knows what I screwed up when I was 21.

What's more, you're valuable as yourself, not because of the job you hold or the grades you get. You're no better than any other human being, and no worse. You wouldn't say a stranger deserved to die for being an alcoholic or losing his job. Give yourself the same basic respect.

I know you're hurting. Please keep posting here, and maybe try to see a counselor. The real reasons why you hate yourself may not have much to do with drinking or achievement. There are things one can only see when they're reflected off another person's face. I'm not blowing sunshine up your skirt; I'm not promising miracles. I'm just saying you've got a damn good chance of being happy, and you're worth fighting for. Whether you think so right now or not. :)
 
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