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The Suicide support thread

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I read that page, and literally every one of those 15 things I can relate to.

I'm constantly beating myself up. I've been doing it all weekend. Something is always wrong, in my head. I always have doubts, always have negative voices telling me what's wrong and how something is not right. I don't literally hear voices, except my own, but I guess it's still a voice? lol.

Like, right now. I hate that I'm typing all this. I don't like expressing my negative emotions because, to me, it's just transferring negative energy outwards. I can't have that! I can't possibly be a negative person. No, it's not right.

I'm always paranoid. I left my girl back in NY this weekend, and all I keep thinking about is how she is out to get me. I can't trust her. I can't trust any one. I'm a self fulfilling prophecy, I just keep thinking negative thoughts and those negative thoughts become reality. I hate my paranoia. It's all fucking loops to me!

I want to see a doctor, I want to do something to try and help myself, but I have no way or any idea of how to do that. I live with my father, and I tell him constantly I need to see a doctor, but all he does is ignore my cries for help. I've hated everything about my life for years, and ever since my mother died last year I really want to die too. I just keep waking up, and going through the motions of life. I have no idea why I'm doing it. I can't even be happy because I'm constantly shutting myself down, and ruining things for myself.

I've tried going through my college for counseling, but I'm not technically a student yet so I doubt they could do anything for me. I have no idea where to go, or what to do because I've been taken care of all my life. I'm sick of it. But the moment responsibility falls in my own hands I wither and lose control of any sort of direction. I want to die, I want to kill myself, but I never even try...it drives me crazy, why do I want this so badly but I never even try? Am I just looking for attention? Am I just trying to be loved by someone, anyone? All this does is drive people away, though. Maybe I don't want to die, maybe I just want to be loved.

I just rely on getting fucking up to get by. I always have, really. I look back, and I abused alcohol when my mother got sick. I then moved to Pot and then pills. When she died, I started abusing LSD more and more, then basically anything to get fucked up. I don't even like alcohol, but I'll drink it to feel something. I'll even smoke cigarettes, why? Cause it's something. It's pathetic, really. I don't even know how to end this...soooo, yeah...ended.
 
Don't beat yourself up even more for not knowing how to find help on your own. This country does not make it easy! Have you ever told your Dad how bad you feel? I mean the suicidal feelings? I know that would feel extremely vulnerable but you arevulnerable. You are using everything to self-medicate right now and while we all know it won't work ultimately, at least give yourself the understanding of why you are doing it. Have you ever researched Smart Recovery? I wonder if there are any groups near you? I don't have any experience with it but I like their philosophy and focus.
 
I've told my father a few times now, the problems I have. He doesn't know the extent of my thoughts though...I've never told him I want to kill myself, I guess because I'm not even sure if that's what I want. He doesn't do anything though, he hasn't even made an attempt to make a doctor's appointment for me. I don't even want to do it myself...I'd rather just rot, continue on with what I've been doing.

I don't want to end up killing myself. But I'm doing that by continually going down this path of being miserable all the time. I'm destroying my body, I don't care about being healthy or not fucking up my body with drugs. I constantly think of the future, and I only see myself dead, a drug addict, or in a mental asylum. I don't see myself being happy anymore. Those thoughts died a long time ago.

I've never heard of Smart Recovery. I have no idea what that is, but I'm interested just for the idea that it could possibly help. I need help. I no longer just want it, I need it.
 
I hear ya man. My parents don't really know the full extent of where I am in the world. They just know basically since I've moved back home I'm more depressed than I've been in a long time. They really didn't do the work for me to find the help I currently have now, that was up to me being an adult I guess, but I know how you feel about not wanting to take the time to try and find the help. It took me years and years to do it, and honestly with the push of my last gf I made it happen.

Not sure if I would be seeing a counselor atm if it wasn't for someone, because I felt the same way. I didn't care if I destroyed my body, I didn't care what happened to me. The future looks like shit no matter where I look, so who gives a fuck. Nothing matters so why not just let myself rot a away. Especially since i have health problems letting myself get sick honestly sounds appealing.

However, seeing a counselor was one of the best things I could do. It feels weird, essentially since you are admitting you have problems, and in someways it is embarrassing. But you start to feel comfortable once you go a few times. It becomes something you look forward to, as it allows you to get everything off your chest with out feeling bad about yourself. You can be honest and not worry. Its a great feeling. Whether you take much away from the counselor, just letting your problems out is a step in the right direction.
 
I am new here. However I am not new to suicide attempts. I am 52;12 when I had my 1st half assed attempt. I have however struggled with depression my entire life. I dont know why. I was a high school all american football and baseball player, First team no less. Fourth round draft choice by Oakland A's out of HS in 1978, but went on to be a rather good SEC college football player for four years, again a starter and several awards but with that also has come 13 knee surgeries, foot surgery, shoulder surgeries, 2 cervical spine surgeries equaling 17 operations. I live in constant incredible amounts of pain. In 1994 I was also finally diagnosed as Bi-polar, finally figuring out maybe this was part of my issues. Sincce that time I have had 9 legitimate suicide attempts involving intentional medication overdoses. Things such as 90 150 mg trazadone with 90mg of restaril and a few beers one instance no big deal did not faze me and I wasnt found for three days. I can go on.I am a handsome guy very personable. However currently I am planning my next and final suicide attempt this next one will not fail. Look everytime I should have been dead but somehow God looked out for me & I thought It was to meet my wife which I did 6 years ago 4 years ago I went off my bipolar meds because i was doing well and felt that if I was going thave an episode I could recognize it and so forth but thing got hectic working and other stuff stress long story short I seperated from my wife dec. 16 a fucking week before christmas because I got pissed off being off my meds not thinking straight people got in my head. I have a good wife never cheated or anything she grew up hard bad life everyone has always treated her bad. AT one point I even put my hands on my wife something I have never done nor was I raised that way. She is still angry and upset we talk but I miss and love my wife she says its just gonna take some time for this to work itself out but I hurt so badly more than I ever have before. She is the most important thing in my life as is my step son,he just turned 16. We dont talk or text everyday and its killing me. I feel like it would be best if were to just go away leave her my new truck she would get my survivor benefits. she says suicide is selfish how so if noone gives a fuck about you anymore. I think i am being pretty damn selfless. I give her an out with no divorce, she gets a newer truck,I pull all my cash out of my bank so she can get it, I am not gonna be found stinkin in my truck and ruin for her, and she will get my soc.sec. survivor benefits to help supplement her income that way she can go back and finish her education she wants to do and not have to work while haer son finishes hs. He is a very bright boy. He has 10 h.s. credits and 6 college credits after 9th grade last year. he is just now in 2nd half of 10th grade all AP courses. I just think its better if I am dead and gone, noone is going to miss me is how I feel right now!
 
I guess I forgot this part i am on 30mg of oxycodone three times a day along with 20mg of flexeril twice daily. Flexeril aint shit for me but thats all my pain doctor will give me. So you see this week at my appt. I will have 2700mg of oxycodone and 1200mg of flexeril for the month that all at one shot with a bottle of crown on an empty stomach that should do it and I will just dump my truck at her house with all the cash pay all the bills at the house for her as I have been leave rest of cash in envelope obviously when shes not there that will be easy enough and take cab to hotel pay for two day should be just about right. That sounds like a workable plan yes? Did I for get anything? I may evan hand cuff my hand behind my back swallow the key also just before I start to fade being sure to be on my back so I can also choke to death in case I vomit trying to cover my bases
 
Hey trpcldvr,

I am so sorry to read about your situation. It sounds like things are incredibly tough for you and I understand why you are feeling how you feel <3

I really hope you reconsider this. I know things are tough - more than tough - at the moment, but suicide is a permanent solution for a situation which is not permanent. I know how bad the bad times can be, and how exhausting it is, but things do get better. Right now you are on an emotional rollercoaster I imagine, with such a recent seperation from your wife and also with your bipolar disorder.

Are you on psychiatric medication now? If not - do you think it would be worth seeing if that could help you again? You say you were doing well in the past - which means that there is a very good chance you can do well again, if you keep yourself alive. Suicide is so final.. it steals any freedom of choice from you, there is no coming back once you are dead, where as when you are alive there is always choice and hope. I appreciate how hard it must be with the separation from your wife alongside your bipolar disorder and chronic pain, but these are all situations which can be addressed, and you have been well before so it certainly isn't impossible to be well again. It takes time to heal and get over a separation, and it takes time to stabilise bipolar disorder and improve pain control, and I know how hard it is when there are multiple issues going on, weighing you down.. but all it takes often is for the burden to be eased slightly, and that gives you enough strength to carry it a little further, ease it a little more, and get your life back on track.

How about therapy? There are many different forms, from counselling to CBT to psychotherapy, which could help you hugely with both your bipolar disorder and your recent separation. I understand how hard things must be with your chronic pain too, but getting your mind well can help your physical as well as your emotional pain, and pain is a lot easier to deal with when you are feeling better mentally and emotionally. Do you think it would be worth exploring this?

I know what it feels like to think you have no way out - I have a few suicide attempts under my belt and many times when I have contemplated it. But the thing is, when you are in the midst of it all it is impossible to see clearly. Everything is so coloured by how you feel in that moment. But please trust me, there are reasons to keep living, even if you can't see them right now..

If you can't stay alive for yourself, please do it for your wife and step son. You may think you are doing them a favour but believe me - losing someone close to you, someone you love, is the most painful experience we as humans can go through. The easing of the financial burden, and your idea that you are somehow saving them and putting their lives on a better path won't mean a thing to them if you die - it will cause them a lot of pain, quite possibly so much that they struggle to get their lives back on track afterwards, and I can see how much you care about them..

Please reconsider this. I know how dark life can be, but the darkness will lift for you if you can keep going. You have survived multiple attempts, and life did get better for you - and it will do again.

<3
 
Thanks for your careful and considerate reply and concern. Yea, my still says she loves me and misses me but thats where it ends. she rarely calls or texts never on weekends and I just dont know what the fuck. More to this than I am revealing but not that much I did not cheat either nothin like that. Yes I am back on my Topomax but not an antidepressant. I am just tired of hurting. I had lost my faith and trust in God and I met my wife and got it all back, now to lose my wife at fifty fuckin two I just cant do this again. I am fucking done I just knew she was the last woman I would ever be with for the rest of my life. It just cant all fall apart now I am too old for this shit. I dont know that I can be talked down this time
 
I understand how hard it is to rebuild your life, especially when it's the second time and you are feeling exhausted.. but the fact that you did it once before means you can definitely do it again. You need some help and support though - is there anyone you can talk to?

Being in pain (emotional and physical) is completely exhausting and this is one of the hardest things about feeling like that - it seems like it would be such an uphill struggle to get from where you are to a life that you can enjoy, and you already feel like you don't have the energy to live the life you have. I understand that very well. Small steps though, with some support - counselling, therapy, doctor, friends, church, family, any one of those could help ease the burden even just a little bit - and you will find that actually you can get back on your feet and life is worth living.

Please do think about what this would do to your step-son and wife, and anyone else who cares about you as well. In time I know you will want to live for you, even if you can't see it now, but in the meantime can you try to live for them? I promise you, there is no way their lives would be better with you dead..

I know you say you can't be talked down, but the very fact that you posted here gives me hope, and I care about you now so I am going to keep trying <3
 
Hey trpcidvr

Pm me, i tried 3 times in a month last year to od. I have a severe chronic pain condition after an rta when i was helping a break down. I now have a plethora of mental health conditions including bipolar 1 with psychosis and severe chronic ptsd just to name a couple. I also destroyed my relationship and broke up with my fiance for 7 months but he now understands that i was in a manic through to psychotic episode then thrown in to an 8 month severe depressive episode. Catatonia, researching suicide techniques and medication pharmacology to seriously end my life as i thought that would benefit my son and family.

I am now bed or wheelchair bound due to my degenerative nerve/neurological condition, crps type 2 which affects my limbs organs and 75% of my body with reoccuring snapping of my lower back ligaments and muscle tears.

I would love to help you if i could and im very knowledgable on various medical conditions so could maybe help your pain and bipolar.

Do not give up yet, im glad my ridiculously insane drug tolerances, muscular layer over my femoral artery and just a general bodily urge to fight my conditions and staying alive,

Love, hope and light to you <3
 
Hey How are ya! Yes I am a southern boy at heart. I live in Texas but was raised in the deep south but not a redneck speak properly and unless I allow a drawl to come in you would maybe detect it I am quite educated don't really care for rednecks....LOL Still hangin in here all i can do for now. My wife at 730 cst texts me good morning I do same back & that was it what the fuck is that about? we've only been apart 7 weeks. MY pain issues are degenerative disc disease in my entire spine, chronic knee issues shoulder issues I control it with pain meds but I dont stay fucked up. I am able to work function. I dont abuse my meds. I am a big man 6'1-225 & trying to lose more weight will help knees. I can usually deal with a lot of pain have been for over 28-32 years mostly without meds. didnt start meds til 10 yrears ago. diagnosed with fibromyalgia also several yrs ago but dealing okay. Okay this morning but tis early yet.
 
I'm thinking Friday I might say fuck it and be done with it. Im a worthless person. Wasted every chance I've had, been a burden on those around me. ignored by those who are supposed to care. I'll have the tools to peacefully drift away in the middle of the night. Plenty of methadone and plenty of clonazepam. I'm tired of caring, and I'm so tired of working hard when its lead me to nothing. I rather drift a way peacefully. There isn't a point to being alive in the first place, so why am I'm wasting my time trying to fit in with the world, when I'm not even welcomed. When I'm to fucked up to make anything of myself in the world. I'm not going to reach my dreams of being a pharmacologist. I'll end up in some shitty job, that makes me only hate myself more because I'm not doing what I want to do. I'll most likely end up as a worse opioid addict than I already am. I rather finish this pointless existences. I hope to either get so sick it kills me, or I finish myself off on my terms. The former is preferable so I don't make people feel like it was there fault, but its not likely I'm gonna get an blood clot in the next week. Just hope I don't take some of the the methadone, get some sort of a high and want to enjoy that. I want to take so much with benzos I black out and have no choice but to drift away. fuck life. I've always hated it, I've always hated the shitty stuff I do, I always hate how I'm forced away form those people I love. i hate that some of the people I love don't love me and lie to me, making me feel like a complete fucking fool. Wish I had a gun cuz I'd pull the trigger now.
 
^ I've held my brothers gun in my hand wanting to pull the trigger, what stopped me was thinking of the mess he'd come home to... also, the fact that we really don't know what's on the other side until we get there. Idk what's on the other side but it has no importance to you now, what matters is the life you have now, death comes to us all, so if you want to die don't even worry, we all have our time. Just don't tap out before the fight is over, I wouldn't want to go when I think it's over, because whatever shitty situation happens, if you live thru it, just say fuck this depression and unwillingness to keep the fight going. you've got plenty of years, why call it quits? See it as an opportunity to change things, prove people wrong and prove yourself right. An opportunity that lies in your hands, quit now, sure, and don't see what's behind the corner. what if theres a helping hand right around the corner but you decided not to keep going and you never get that helping hand? You'll have your time to die, just like the rest of us. But give death the middle finger by making this life something so amazing that you'll never consider pulling your own plug.
 
I don't know if I can bother ever caring about anyone ever again. People come and go. I hate that. I love and I love, and either they are 1000s of miles away from me, not able to give me the support I need, or they say fuck you and make everything I've done worthless. I don't want to live in this bullshit world. Its built terriblely, people are fucking cruel. I hate myself because I've wasted my whole life, and still to this day wasting it. I fail at the few things that I actually love, my hobbies, I fucking suck at. I'm wasting my parents time and money being a fucking failure son. I moved back home because I dropped out of college, and fell into an oxycodone addiction over the summer after getting sick. All I do is piss them off and stress them out. The dreams I have I know will never come true. I'll never be a fucking pharmacologist. I already owe 60k in debt, and don't even have a fucking degree. I don't want to live my life out with some fuckign shitty ass job, where the only people I can meet other those with shitty low intellectual jobs. I don't want a dumbass girl friend, I want someone smart beautiful, and successful. No matter what also due to the way the US is designed, I'll be stripped away from all my good friends no matter what. I've already been strpped away from them in highschool when I moved, and when I move back home, they'll eventually all be gone again. I'll always lose the ones I care about. I'm never goign to be happy. I struggle with mental disorders, and have always. They will make my life hell from now on. There is no point to the world besides being happy, well I'm not happy and wont be happy unless the impossible happens. I'll never be a fucking pharmacologist with the shitty ass grades I made, the amount of money I'm in debt in preventing me from going back to school to finish my chem degree. I'll never be good at my fucking hobbies because I've spent years and years trying, and never got anywhere. Its laughable. I believe there isn't anything after one days, and that makes me happy. the ultimate bliss, nothing. I know we all die, and well, since nothing matter here, I rather just fucking end it now. I know I'm going go through countless peroids of bullshit through out my life in the future. I know I'm going to be abandoned and ignored by those I love once again. I also don't even know if I can ever trust a women ever again. This last gf lied to me telling me she'd never leave me because we've been through so much, and even wrote me b-day letter going into detail about how important I am to her, and now its all bullshit. The one before that lied to me about having cancer, when she really didn't. Fuck ever trying to give my heart out to anyone ever again. I know I'm only going to find myself hurt. I want everything to stop. I want to be nothing. All I see for myself now in the future is me becoming a bigger opioid addict, and I rather avoid all the bullshit with that and finish myself off with the meds I'll be getting next week. We all die, and well I rather die now before I have to deal with more and more bullshit.

I've always been a little piece of shit who has hoped and dreamed of fixing myself, but would fail over and over again. I'd try so many things to become good at, and I'l fail over and over again. I try to give someone my heart and they destroy it over and over again. I ruined all my chances at becoming who I want to be, so I just want to end it all so Idon't have to go through this bullshit over and over again. I'm a majorly depressed, extreme ADHD, gender disordered, SAD/GAD'd, and who knows what else, person. Whats the point.
 
Splat, I know that things look terribly bleak right now. Being rejected by someone you still love knocks even the strongest person to the ground. You are experiencing this right when you are feeling vulnerable and fragile in your life already. Try not to turn this on yourself. Just concentrate on your work you are doing with your counselor and see if you can take small bits of time where you make it your goal to not berate or harm yourself. What you call failures are actually successes that have been interrupted by a breakdown. It may be difficult for you to have this perspective right now but it is the one you need to work towards. This is an interruption. this is your body, mind and spirit crying out that something is unbearable. This is your work right now--not a relationship with another, not school, not a job---the work you have to do is to save yourself from this despair. When I think of you trying to do this alone my heart breaks. No one can do this alone. You need help and guidance through this process. I know that I have said it before but I am going to say it again: if your current therapist treats your gender fluidity as a disorder rather than a variation in an unimaginative world, then I think you need to supplement the therapy that you get with her with a support group or some other form of therapy that actually helps you explore and celebrate who you really are. Please take care of yourself. You do not deserve any of this. No one does.<3
 
please pm me splat i have a personal issue id like to discuss as i really think we can help each other. i have been through the same and similar situations as you. i have support andcadvice to offer if you are willing to let me hun

hang in there<3 we all care about you a lot and i wouldn't feel as isolatedvif you let me help. love light and hope sugar xxx
 
Hiya nice to meet you,i can totally relate to some things that you have said so i can understand somewhat just how bad things may seem to you right now but things can get better for you,i know you probably feel weak and tired of trying though?anyway please PM me and we can talk some more if you would like to,take care for now pamela.
 
n3ophy7e said:
Tripman, these two lovely girls are so right. You are going to get through this. You've been in this cycle before, you KNOW that things are going to get better soon. I know it's horrible when you're down, but please just remember that with all of the downs, things always come back up. Always. Hang in there man <3
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Your so right saying the above!all the downs do have ways of coming back up just hang on in there!
 
Tomorrow is my Birthday. I'm feeling like putting on my dress uniform with its shiny brass buttons and my medals and ribbons, printing out troll face, writing happy birthday on it. Then standing up in front of my Degree/Diploma/Awards and performing a Encephalectomy via high kinetic energy trans-temporal lobe instrumentation.
 
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