• S E X
    L O V E +
    R E L A T I O N S H I P S


    ❤️ Welcome Guest! ❤️


    Posting Guidelines Bluelight Rules
  • SLR Moderators: axe battler | xtcgrrrl | arrall

The Stranger In Me - Problematic sexuality

Status
Not open for further replies.
D

darkkoon

Bluelighter
Joined
May 23, 2020
Messages
65
Sigh!

Hello, I just want to write this down as it causes me a lot of discomfort and even angst. I have very dark and sick sexuality. 95% of the time I see a beautiful woman I fantasize about raping her at least, but often also about taking total control by torture and murder. I am very warm-hearted and unselfish, altruistic person and would centainly never act out and commit any kind of sexual or violent crime towads women. All this is completely against my morals and everything I believe in, and as so causes a lot of anxiety and discomfort.

I have obsessive-compulsive disorder, and obsessive thoughts began at age of 3 and they dealed with murder and extreme violence. Those thoughts have since sexualized, at very early age. I started to get sexual excitation out of very violent thoughts (and also by pulling legs off insects :-D) and in teenage years they were very controlling and caused me to miss any kind of (healthy or otherwise) relationships with women except for shorter periods of time in Internet and meeting couple of them few times when drunk. In early teenage years, I abandoned my Christian faith, which had earlier been a definite barrier for even considering anything like that in real life. During that time time I felt very strong urges to act out (due to hormones, maybe) and even searched for volunteering suicidal 'victims' in chat rooms. Luckily I never found anyone not to chicken out somewhere along the way.

Now I'm over 30 yo and luckily over the more compulsive phase of this, but still I feel this discomforting sexual lust for abusing and killing females. It really kind of pisses me off, because I can never fulfill that 'need' and thus I am left with just suffering it out which may take sometimes unpleasantly long stretches of time. Also this is something I really can't speak about to anyone. I really suffer from this. I'd like to have just normal relationships with women, also sexually, and yes, I am able of that - I just had a three-year long relationship with a girl of my age. But we rarely had sex, and she really didn't know me too well.

If there is anyone with similar thoughts and problematics, I'd be glad to hear about it! And everybode else too, any thoughts?
Thanks and sorry for all the fish.
 
Last edited:
I think when you're talking about this kind of stuff, you have to be very careful because you're on the internet and people can track you down. You need to find help, life's beautiful, find a cercle of non-toxic friends -- do something with your life because it boils down to boredom, to your own insecurities. My first thought was to not answer because it makes me sick to my bones but I saw that you tried to help yourself and so do that again. There's people out there, you can't find them in your comfort zone, you need to strech out your horzions -- you need to be down to Earth because no one will talk with a person like you. We all like evil things but with limits, you know? Now you know. Finally it boils down to childhood because I think that's where it comes from, you need to forget your past and live in the moment. Life's beautiful.

p.s > Hope you're safe during Pretzel-19's, wear your mask. Do your part, we all do it.
 
Im sorry if you were bullied. I was bullied by few girls in the 7th grade which left me with the same thing. Except no killing or torturing.
 
artworks-000134580853-nvowxh-t500x500.jpg
 
Have you tried S and M type stuff with anyone . Seems to be a lot of people into violent sex , spanking , whipping . Maybe you just need to find a submissive sex partner. A lot of woman fantasize about being raped . If you find the right woman you could role play and enjoy your kinks.
 
To Shady's Fox:

Since I have never done any violent or sexual crime and never will, I don't understand why you are telling me about limits. I know the limits and never have nor will cross them. Also, I don't really see any point in trying to track me down for my sexuality or paraphilias. But thanks for your concern. I just thought it may give me some relief to tell about this in this way for the first time in my life. If I didn't have sense of morality and were some kind of pervert psychopath, then I'd be dangerous to others. Now this only causes harm and suffering to myself. I did not choose to become like this.

I really don't understand why nobody wouldn't want to talk nor interact with me. I have done *nothing* bad to anyone, I'm a very good and warm person. One who always puts others' good before my own benefit. In part that's what makes this so heavy a burden - it's completely against all my morals and everything I believe in.
 
Last edited:
darkkoon said:
If I didn't have sense of morality and were some kind of pervert psychopath, then I'd be dangerous to others. Now this only causes harm and suffering to myself. I did not choose to become like this.
Click to expand...
Neither did I. Do you personally enjoy normal sex or porn at all?
 
darkkoon said:
More than that I'd need people who can accept me as the person I am with all my faults and problems, and who would listen to me. I need love! :)
Click to expand...
A professional therapist can teach you how to love yourself so you aren't so needy of others.
 
schizopath: I'd be very interested in hearing more about you if you are just willing to let me know more.
Wish you all the best, brother. Stay safe and do not hurt others.

w01fg4ng:
I have been examined and analyzed by medical and psychiatric professionals multiple times. Even the danger I may pose to others has been evaluated, but I was not allowed to see the results. I did discuss these back then with medical personnel and did so rather openly.

BTW: I can assure you that there are lots of people like me out there. This is not something ultra rare or esoteric. Damaged boys often end up with bits of these.
 
Last edited:
I believe those thoughts are demonic influences and emotional rape and torture for YOU. If you actually enjoyed the thoughts, you wouldn't be asking for help and you wouldn't tell anyone and you seem to make an effort to keep your distance for the safety of others.
We all have strange invasive thoughts, your attacks seem to be more than most people will ever have to understand.
The demons win when they convince you that you're disgusting and dirty and make you hate yourself and isolate. If you finally believe that you're not God's precious creation, or that your unworthy or He doesn't love you as a result of this carefully orchestrated, life long, twisted Demon strategy... they win. So, keep fighting, talk to as many people as you can, spend time with God, and find a good solid group of church folks. They will support you, and they know exactly what's happening to you.
I know you're a unique, beautiful creation, and if you didn't have an amazing, divine purpose, you wouldn't be going thru this Hell.
Have faith, don't give up and know that your heart is pure, even if the whispers in your head are insane and dark. They're not your voice. No voice that you don't hear coming out of your mouth belongs to you.
 
Just because you see yourself as a warm, caring person; doesn't mean you must be completely Saint like. Binary/black and white thinking is not helpful.

If you deny or suppress your dark side, this can cause problems. 100% agree with above posts re. BDSM. I acted out all my dark fantasies with a compatible, safe and caring Dom and eventually got it out of my system.
 
Actually, I get zero excitation out of BD/SM because it's not *real*. You don't feel the "control" in it, and in fact don't have any actual control over your partner.
 
Staying Sober said:
I believe those thoughts are demonic influences and emotional rape and torture for YOU. If you actually enjoyed the thoughts, you wouldn't be asking for help and you wouldn't tell anyone and you seem to make an effort to keep your distance for the safety of others.
We all have strange invasive thoughts, your attacks seem to be more than most people will ever have to understand.
The demons win when they convince you that you're disgusting and dirty and make you hate yourself and isolate. If you finally believe that you're not God's precious creation, or that your unworthy or He doesn't love you as a result of this carefully orchestrated, life long, twisted Demon strategy... they win. So, keep fighting, talk to as many people as you can, spend time with God, and find a good solid group of church folks. They will support you, and they know exactly what's happening to you.
I know you're a unique, beautiful creation, and if you didn't have an amazing, divine purpose, you wouldn't be going thru this Hell.
Have faith, don't give up and know that your heart is pure, even if the whispers in your head are insane and dark. They're not your voice. No voice that you don't hear coming out of your mouth belongs to you.
Click to expand...

No offense but people like you make people like him. How can you say such things? What does loneliness have to do with the bible? Listen man, if he wants helps, he will findin within himself. This thread made me uncomfortable because I don't like these type of things, any sane person would say this. This being said, I will ignore this thread from now on. Shivers me.
 
People like Shady's Fox seem to treat people like me just the same, had we actually done anything 'bad' or not. Makes me quite sad to realize that some people think I'm just as despicable and horrible now clean of crime, than they would if I actually did murder.
 
darkkoon said:
Actually, I get zero excitation out of BD/SM because it's not *real*. You don't feel the "control" in it, and in fact don't have any actual control over your partner.
Click to expand...

You say you're trying to fulfill your "need", BDSM isn't enough, yet you would "certainly never" carry out these actions?

I have to be honest here, i think you are at risk of acting out.

I'm not saying you're a bad person, but i think you might be closer to the edge than you think you are.

There are empaths who steal, rape and kill. It's not only those big bad psychopaths.

I'd reach out for help. In real time. Not online where people are going to just give you shit.
 
Have a nice life sitting in a cell because of the pursuit of a fleeting sense of satisfaction.
 
darkkoon said:
People like Shady's Fox seem to treat people like me just the same, had we actually done anything 'bad' or not. Makes me quite sad to realize that some people think I'm just as despicable and horrible now clean of crime, than they would if I actually did murder.
Click to expand...

You can't control what other people think....as little as you can control your unwanted and intrusive desires. In fact what people think of us is literally none of our business - it's theirs. Don't worry about it.

Find yourself a good psychotherapist who will accept you unconditionally. Sounds like the way forward to me

It must be terrible for you to be afflicted with such intrusive thoughts and feelings - what a fucking nightmare that must be
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top