Where else??!
Pics to follow
And Sunday through Wednesday’s song
Mother Effen ‘T’ - her some with an H. MF Theresa. Nice to meet you.
What song fits your current mood is where I was going to put this a couple of days ago When I actually slept and knew I hit the ground running but I felt good enough to last song that hit me first thing When I woke up in the morning. The mania kicked in and my grew really long. I actually really believed that maybe I was back for real! No such luck. It was pretty bad and it’s not doing too well and I hate it because I’m growing up in public because I want to because I need to talk to somebody I’m alone nobody can understand and that’s fine but things are getting bad and this is written days after this began. It’s long probably too long to say but I’m going to try to see what I can do with it. Many of these voice recognition starts lead to really long freaking notes because it’s just me talking.
So, I’m just going to make a regular forum post out of it. I’ve now been working on it for a couple of hours because I’m using voice recognition which is part of the mania so it’s going to be long… I think this was Sunday, but if you’ve never heard this song it was what was on my mind this morning.
Bumpin’ Uglies ~ The Morning After (from acoustic sessions) (later)
I don’t think you guys will mind. Really like I said in some post y’all have been so much cooler than I remember you ever being. I don’t know if it’s new moderators or what but it’s not nearly as serious as it once was and I actually feel comfortable talking here when I was afraid that I would be reprimanded ~ and was at times in the past. Of course I was just a creepy ghost at the time because I can let people know how stupid I really was at times. This is the first time I’ve ever really spoken whenever I started a few weeks ago because I have no memory. I see that there are messages in my inbox and responses to things I wrote and I was trying to get this done Sunday morning which is crazy so I haven’t got to check yet so I may be speaking to you soon. I think three weeks ~maybe~ I don’t know because I’ve lost track of time.
Regarding the song by the bumpin uglies ~ I hope you listen to it if you have never heard it and tell me what you think because it sure does sound like what would be so fun doesn’t it lol. I realized tonight which is heading into Wednesday early morning that if one thing Actually stays true throughout this monologue, It’s at this song stayed on hold and it sounds just as good tonight as much worse as things have become as it did on Sunday morning.
Regarding drinking, I haven’t in a long time but it sure makes it sound fun. Besides insert _________ here. The older I get the less I care if we’re on the same wavelength but I guess there will always be that wish that we are but it’s not nearly as strong as it used to be.
I missed you guys I’ve just been so freaking manic man. I’ve been bringing way too much stuff in and not taking enough stuff out and then I had to spend all day looking for my keys yesterday thinking these guys stole them so I was locked out of my house and my car even though it was open and I found them. I mean this began before daylight yesterday and ended after dark last night. Of course I’m not sleeping so I stayed up until daylight today dressed and ready to go outside even though it’s is 49° and it was pouring rain which is my very favorite because it never thunders here (Monday) and it never really rains and I love weather. It will rain again in a couple days apparently but this was like 100% until now so now it’s just real foggy outside… yet being dressed and ready this daylight, I sat down on the bed …so I never made it. I just woke up because I was so sick but that’s probably not a bad problem to have because it helps a lot with tolerance, etc. Yeah I slept for about 12 hours and I knew we were hitting the ground running again but what can I do man?
I was up in Utah and in some steak house gift shop I saw grumpy cat made of pewter. I turned it over and on the back it had one word which was NOPE. I knew that’s what everybody had when the analogues came along. Those replacement chems really fucked up this part at least.
You know I keep meaning to go look for the dark web or wtfever again and I bet you had Ii been looking not for what’s made locally but for what’s made there I’m sure there’s some fantastic stuff but IRL there’s just no such thing as Sleepy D & there never was. There is now but that’s not a good sign not for me that’s the exact opposite of why we use it but then again listen to this I see younger people do it and stay up for three weeks! OK that tells me it’s me and other people my age ~ some of them. What’s your experience? Are you convinced this is you or is it all of us or is it just the people that have been doing it too long?
Man, I’d I rather make my own TBH. there’s no such thing as Sleepy D ~ give me a break when did that ever hit the scene? Well right when analogues did and that’s the truth Sleepy D my ass. I know I’m really just happy as long as I have some because I don’t think it does jack shit and that’s the truth ~ I think it’s my pacifier bc if it’s here, I can actually take it or leave it which calms my mind because it was never that way before. It was an event that used to last a minimum of a month my sleep deprivation studies when I was at the top of the top of the top highest I thought you could get and I could never imagine going back to smoking or some other bullshit much less parachuting it… I do realize the value plugging and I’ve heard some recent chatter about it on people they’re missing a lot so I wouldn’t mind hearing anyone’s experience there. Not like I don’t miss out the time. It might’ve involved living in different realities and not recognizing the people I was around and some of the strangest fantasies a lot of them a lot of fun lol but there was nowhere to go but up back then. Find my buddies couldn’t do it anymore and then it just changed. I remember when I was convinced that we had killed the dealer that I was part of a five person panel (believe it or not lol) where you put this bag over the oblivious and happy dealer’s head, telling him it’s such a great mix in a capsule of both methamphetamine and some form of MDMA or Molly that it causes is the happiest nearest fantasies and it did for me it was cool shit I chipped Gorgeous bridge . I’m telling you karma has been so Swift I tripped over the curb and what should pop up as Shift up a curb ~ it come around my neck and my NA service symbol knocked out some of my front tooth. It was funny at the time. Anyway I still remember where I saw that night. I sat up on the roof pointing at people walking through the yard laughing half in and half out of that ether world. I haven’t been there since I shot but I’m afraid to shoot all the sudden.
Well I do it every day I’m talking about clear although I sure would like some white lol anyway that’s another story. So back to the five person panel so it’s kind of like a firing squad it was for this oblivious dealer who had committed crimes against humanity which were he was running hookers who were 13 14 years old I whispered really loudly and said don’t tell anyone how old I am but I’m 13. Unfortunately I was running around those people that I still can’t quite understand I wish someone can explain it to me for real for real but I don’t get the prison gay sex male whole situation except for someone to tell me how they got game because I got cope with that Mary and how it happened it made me so angry my hand shook and I screamed that person so I didn’t want to hear another word so there is some upset prison rape and I don’t know why. But I’ve known pedophiles I don’t get it because you’re such a weird linesman they’re not Lil Baby Rapers. Have you ever seen a persons mugshots go from young to mean and bloody and just like one too many criminal charges all certain one day like they popped? Actually look like a baby that could never lie? In fact they had popped naked and believed that they would’ve never touched a small person. They’re so terrified of being left because they’ve lost their entire family in jail because they refuse to ever admit that they have done anything because in their mind they didn’t and I couldn’t accept it. That’s when I had the bright idea like I might be able to help someone as if I couldn’t help myself but I never saw so many aliases in my life because I didn’t want to look so I didn’t look before they picked him up. He carried a doll around that he wanted to marry that was his daughter who died in a car accident when he’s in jail he would jump from the second story balcony on land on his head trying to kill him self and they wouldn’t give him shit if you’re crazy it doesn’t matter nobody cares… as long as you get you locked up somewhere.
I remember me and my ex replying right about the time that they were media crews outside and I was supposed to be at the table to push the button and suddenly the scratching furniture for real in the other room cherry book shelves for dvds/cds on it because I said have some respect we’re living in JUDGE JOE Brown’s house lol! Man he may not be racist but that was a pretty racist scene because he said he had no respect for that do you know so-and-so which wow he was mad at me because I kept saying shush SHHH have some respect!! He is allowing us to stay here, they’re being nice lol so I don’t remember ever being part of that panel.
So then I recall me and my ex one day I said I wish we could still call dude but and I whispered you know he’s gone because I shot him in the face. He says you did not!! I spoke with him today! My mind was blown because for like a month I truly believed that for this man which was Pimpin some 14-year-old girls when he was like 50 years old that I had killed this man!
The most fucked up thing is is the guy that I was running with who heard the pedophile thing I got a phone calling to answer the landline and I hear somebody screaming boo-hoo and then I hear gunshots and he said he shot through the door of the dealer guy’s car door. He hung up he comes home a couple hours later and he says I’m sorry that I shot your husband in the head and we rolled them up in carpet and also that other fucking pedophile piece of shit they had a couple girls with and we let them go free but we wrapped them the guys in carpet and they’ve been shot he said how do you feel about that? I said well it is what it is let’s go. Because what was I supposed to say?! The man just said he murdered someone I’ve been with for 18 years OK what was I supposed to do? I was afraid to call for like another month I was afraid to go home because if someone I was associated with killed him I mean I was going to be the number one suspect! So if he was already dead what can I do accept act like I was on a boys side who I thought the time was pretty cool actually gas pipeline welder traveling in the USA but turned out he wasn’t anything like I remembered that’s for sure it was nice to have someone to think about occasionally but anyway it turned out that because I heard he was shot in before old boyfriends are running from me and actually the dealer was shot in the leg through his car door and crippled for life! Crippled for life by someone I was running with. Somehow it never dawned on me so many times like say a CI got in my house or something that I NEVER worried because I don’t give a fuck who’s the one bc it’s not me! OH BULLSHIT!! … the big mouth because anybody in that room knows! But I kept thinking it’s not about me it’s not about me… So stupid
So I finally, call the house a few weeks later and he answers and I’m surprised he goes why are you surprised?? I said well because I thought you were shot in the head. He went ballistic saying you’re just now fucking calling me??! I didn’t have an answer for that. I wouldn’t be glad he was dead but what was I supposed to do? So when I get a hot shot during an ice storm not that long later where I had Barbara bush disease with the shit coming out of my eyes it was so fucking weird try to shoot it put plastic in your leg but you know dumb addicts ~ it comes in an unmarked box imagine w/ kidnapping letters cut from a newspaper ~ I’m the idiot that’s going to do it, hoping it’s at best a test to see if I’ll actually do it… What was the way worse is I was probably doing poison the whole time that’s why I have brain cancer today.
THIS IS why addicts are so easy easy to get rid of. FIRST THOUGHT WRONG!!! Do the next RIGHT thing…
It sounds funny now and there are some funny stories but they weren’t funny when they happened. I’m glad they happened because they did and I can’t change that but if you look at them with years in between I’m glad I got those licks in even if every time I paid so dearly for them.
Because things like that were funny as shit, it’s been a long time since I ever stay up like that or get into a different world. I had some of the most spiritual dreams much like when I was young and went to southern Baptist church camp or various other times and they’re all very similar. The Exact same spiritual dreams also occurred on bad shots of D Like where I actually slid down the wall ~ finding out later that for 20 minutes my eyes are wide open as I stare unwavering and mesmerized staring at what I was actually witnessing with my mind’s eye. Having slid down that wall sitting staring ahead, I’m no longer in that room I’m not in the bathroom at all. I’m inside of a wall with like a whole Area chewed out like if there was a massive rat but not it was a noticeable really but I could see peoples calves walking by high heels shoes dresses skirts slacks and I can hear the buzz and I said inside against a wall address the area with that whole to go join white look like Grand Central Station as much as I can understand of people talking because I didn’t understand a word they said because it was really just a sound like a buzz. I wanted to get up and go forward and go through and join whatever it was yet something kept me sitting where I could not move.
Then off and some far away distance I start hearing my name it is so far away it’s an annoyance. Then it grows louder and louder and suddenly I’m back in the bathroom. My first question was how long was I like that and what what did I look like? Was i even breathing? did you think of calling an ambulance or 911?! Now I know exactly what I saw exactly or what I heard through the same sound every time and I’m always like inside of a wall or peeking out at legs walking by ~ seeming nonchalant city life maybe in NYC. Grand Central Station there’s a part of me that wants to go through and join society and a part of me that just sits there and all staring at the legs walking by not really making any sounds I can almost make out what must be muffled crown comments that just blend to sound like bees yet It’s a comforting sound like zzzzzzzz…. There, for me, is this sound that when I draw an infinity symbol and run my fingers around the loops repeatedly I can almost hear that sound. You may be saying I’m completely weird and I really couldn’t care any less.
I also went the other way after Mxe bc I never thought I would go back down from everything being done only top tier ROA Because my thinking was why? Why would anyone do it any other way what a waste! Well MXE reminded me that I had forgotten that other ROA‘s are quite enjoyable on some things that just suck now because you know they’ve been taken to the limit for so many years (maybe but one things for true governor and that’s you pick up right where you left off and we don’t believe it so we keep going until the denial breaks down ~ or not).
I actually had a line a couple days ago thinking maybe this will do something bc i *really* want to get high! I couldn’t even tell that I did it so I don’t know if it was that bad or possibly not bad at all. I wasn’t stopped up or anything but I can’t tell that I even did it. I guess one thing to consider is that the mania is stronger than anything I can do I mean there’s a very slim chance that I can switch out mania because it is so much stronger than anything -caffeine, any drug to break it …no wait TBH I’m not willing to take a trazodone or Risperdal because of how shitty I feel when I wake up. It’s impossible to stop mania this strong Without anti-psyches. I’m crappin’ you negative, when I say I could literally take could take five Xanax and I wouldn’t be tired so I don’t even want to take them anymore which is weird for me as someday I’ll be so ecstatic that I’ve gathered so many, have them all: Us yellow, white, blue though OMG the best Xanax I’VE EVER had In my life which I will never, ever, ever forget and I think I might’ve had one maybe two? These are the 3 mg wafers so they’re raised and you can even break them in half or quarters oh my god they’re instant release and they hit in that instant for me that if it doesn’t work my Xanax will never work it’s like I should’ve thrown it over my shoulder but it hits so fast that that’s the moment switch. That’s that moment that I can switch from whatever I am to another state of being. You know like mixed state~ if you’re euphoric manic or dysphoric whatever the hell you are depressed you can switch phase right in a single minute and those things were magical. I tried so hard to get a prescription I ended up with extended release which no Pharmacy could order but I can get it through the mail now I just need a doctor to prescribe the stuff because that stuff is magical! If you’ve ever never got to try those & if you’re like me which I don’t think many people are because most people still get hypnosis and drowsiness (all that kind of stuff) but if you’re anything like me & Xanax is hit or miss solution at best thing but the strongest available at the pharmacy that I’m aware of anyway, the best I’ve ever had BY FAR are the instant release 3 mg wafers. The extended release are horrific unless maybe they work for you really long time but for me it’s either a change right at that moment it hits or it quite literally does nothing at all.
I’m freaking out because if I can’t see it it’s gone ~ if I haven’t proven that yet I don’t know what but I need a torch! I need these freaking goddamn leg cramps to stop man! God I need so much and these motherfuckers took the soma away from me & it is so bad shit it’s like shin splints to my thighs welcome my world….sigh.
Ambiance. Furs. Animal prints. Red Led Lights, sequins, glitter, rhinestones, Aromatherapy. I love lights a lot. I love looking out at my shiny …AND IT IS GOOD sayeth Mother effin T (with an h so the patron Saint of what? Jack shit. She did say, though that we cannot do great things in this life, only small things with great love. I carry a pewter token and I give them away often because that means a lot to me what she said because I think that’s the truth.) That’s why I I like ambience because especially now with all vision failing ~ all I see is shiny and I like it. It’s sweet and beautiful like twinkles all about. Like streetlights In the rain Reflecting in puddles as a bokeh effect.
I’m trying to hire somebody who can get on the books ~ a patient care person who is not a complete addict to where In my own house, they go into my own bathroom and two days later some guy shows up at my door wearing one of my thrift store T-shirts that’s a motorcycle club! And I say hey that’s my shirt dude! An he rips it off while profusely apologizing ~ I’m sorry! Takes me two seconds to remember who was in my house using my bathroom and pulled the door to a couple of days earlier. That’s what I don’t need in my house come on! And that’s the way I see all of them I don’t know how else to see them because that’s all I know. So what am I going to do? I’ve been putting it off for four years the time is growing near so what am I going to do? What would you do? I said I’d go down to the bridge and die in my car underneath it…but come on when push comes to shove how great of a chance is there of that? There is a much greater chance of me doing that INSTEAD of having my dad take care of me. I just don’t know how to wrap my head around this to make the entire deal OK!
I can go away to a hospice though that’s completely signing off of any more care and just going on your own to probably die. But no matter what I do whether I have patient care out of my house or hospice out of my house like In a group setting or hospital, I can’t have my cat there and I sure can’t get away with the shit i do at home which I don’t want to change my lifestyle so it’s got to be at my house. I don’t think a hospice person can say much of anything that I do because their job it’s just to be there pretty briefly to ease you out of this world. Patient care on the other hand will call protective services on me and according to everything I’ve read if you’re going to be alive for a week they feel that it’s better off that you go to rehab for 30 days are you kidding me? Yeah I want to go to PICU lock up and withdraw from H in the middle of this shit! Are you kidding me I will do whatever I have to do so it’s got to be a person that’s going to be down with what I do hopefully not into what I do which we already know someone who is not into what I do so what’s the question? Just keep getting mad when she tries to fuck me over like the $200 deal… Some other time some other time.
Is having a care provider when 99.9% of the people that I know ~ all they want is the money & to do NO WORK PLUS the dope which is the long game. and they’d be glad to split it with me which I never wanted but when I really start thinking about it if no one‘s gonna be doing shit what the fuck? All right I just don’t know how to be OK with this other than when I say later which is it’s a plan for someone to feed and water my cat and give him a little love when I’m in the hospital which I surely will be and I desperately need to take care of him with someone he’s not totally terrified of that can take care of him and she will. She has a cat
she won’t get it fixed so that’s what I’m paying for right doesn’t matter if she says she works two hours it’s paid for it’s free money for her good for her but she better not ever ask me again what she asked me later because she keeps fucking up man and I’m watching but there are small fuck ups in comparison to what other people have done. Yeah I could call it some stranger and I would prefer to have a stranger but nurse Ratched might come over here and not approve of my smoking anything… Much less other things I do although I don’t know if they can say jack shit but they probably can and I know I don’t wanna spend 30 of my last days in a fucking lockdown I’ve done yet been there for too many times around the age of 30!& not be worried about what they’re stealing. BY no means are these my friends but here I am in a situation that I needs someone and all who work home health care ~ there are no little old sweet women OK there aren’t. I remember being in county at one time and saying what are we do now with a felony? And me and all the girls sit in a circle and they say we do home health care. I didn’t get it I do now. So I’ve been watching this girl looking for signs all the while realizing that just cause I said I’m ready to get signed up doesn’t mean I’m signed up it’s still three weeks out because I haven’t put any name with any agency. I asked the guy the go-between can I just have a contingency plan because I haven’t woke up yet unable to speak or whatever the fuck I’m gonna wake up with he said no they either have to work a couple hours a day or not at all well that doesn’t sound right! He said you could be on home healthcare for a really long time OK four years has passed for nobody got paid because I don’t wanna ppl in my house two hours a day so what people do is they come up to you and say want to split the money with you no no no no forget it besides that I can just imagine me being debilitated someone taking all my medications and just what can I do about it because maybe I can’t speak or something I just don’t wanna die in pain I don’t even care about dying in pain I don’t want to die and anxiety. I’ve got that covered as long as nobody steals everything. So I’ve been watching the sliding and she slides a couple times but that’s nothing in comparison to what these other people are like she’s 10 years older than me. She cleans houses a few hours a day.
Now I’m listening to what she says and she did say yeah I’ll be your person as long as it doesn’t interfere with my other work. OK that’s important right there interfere with your three hours of housecleaning a day? I said look if I’m totally fine walking and talking and we’re just talking about crafts or watching TV or something I don’t even know like having a friend why shouldn’t we split it so my mind has changed a little bit because if I’m gonna be fine for two years which I’m probably not but if I am because I was just fine for four or five years and she’s going to get paid to do what? She said well you can show me how to clean your house oh yeah a 380 square-foot apartment whatever and if I can clean it I’m gonna clean it ~no one else. If I can carry the garbage down I’m gonna do that because I need the exercise. If I can drive myself to the store I’m going because otherwise I’m gonna get sick needing people to do things for me. I remember when I had people around I was constantly saying where is this where is that where is this cause my eyesight was going out so someone was always on the ready to look for something for me on your head on your head on your head generally. So I walk around telling people I’m sorry that I couldn’t see anymore because i always had 2020 vision. I can imagine if I had been born without 2020 vision how offensive that must be to hear someone say so I stop saying it. For the first couple years I didn’t tell anybody I had cancer so this last couple years people started thinking I was lying! Because I was not supposed to live this long so people started questioning because I work hard to look normal and that’s what people saw that she looks better than she looked before or I did. I’m getting pretty tired now. And I hate that because where is this will to live I don’t really think that has a lot to do with much of anything to be honest and if there is a God I don’t think that he gets that involved in such minutia as people suffering in pain I think that’s part of life still though I don’t see how God fits in anything I wish I did. I wish I had stronger faith I wish I knew everything was going be OK. Because that’s when the terror hits is when you realize you might not exist anymore. That’s not a good thing. I guess I’ve always been fascinated with this but when it comes down to brass tacks nobody wants to die !
I don’t want to die !! I don’t ever wanna die I want to live forever honestly I’d probably rather not age but even with aging I want an extra 20 years that my dad has or all the people that are getting their chemo and they’re in their 80s and 90s I want those years. Not that I would do anything with them but they’re mine right I guess not they’re not mine and that sucks. I am getting upset again I don’t know what’s wrong with me I guess cause I know that this can’t continue that much longer and I don’t wanna go anywhere man I really don’t. My voice is trailing off because I’m crying but they’re not sad tears really they’re almost angry man I’ve been so angry for so long yeah I don’t sweat the small stuff kiss my fucking ass. I have a lot of cleanup to do from this voice recognition shit so let me get started oh what I want to say is oh girl she had to buy a new car because she got stopped & her stuff was like 10 years out of date.
she’s a kind of person that just buys the car off somebody for $1500 and girls on her merry way. So I happen to go with her and she needs $200 so I gave her $200 I don’t have $200 that’s the rent money actually that I haven’t paid yet so anyway give her $200 and we’re talking to this kid that’s trying to sell her a 2000 model Mazda it’s a pretty sharp looking car actually he says he has problems on the freeway I said you mean like the spindles are going out or what and he doesn’t wanna talk to me because I know what I’m talking about a little bit I said look does it have a recondition title and he goes what I said does it have a blue title? He says I don’t think so I said when was the last lien on it? He doesn’t wanna talk to me at all and she’s not asking any of these questions so she has them $2000 she just write me a receipt and she write someone a piece of paper and we go inside. I come back to my apartment and I don’t know this is a couple let’s go in them that night around 1 o’clock in the morning she sends me a text because she’s checking in on me every day she’s trying to be a good person so I’ll hire her although she said she does not feel comfortable splitting the money if I want to do that I have to lie and I don’t feel comfortable lying ~well neither do I but I don’t think she should just get paid to do nothing at all so either I have no one to take care of the cat and it takes three weeks to get them paid or I have to hire someone for two hours a day minimum right now. So she writes me and she says his mom brought the money back all 2000 of it because he stole her car and tried to sell it. I even asked her I said you know this guy and she said no and then I said how do you know he’s not gonna just steal your money and she goes cause I’ll have his car! All right so anyway in the text that she writes me saying that she got all 2000 back from the mother she said do you want your 200 back? What?!? Are you fucking kidding me? Do I want my $200 back I should are you fucking joking? She writes back and she says lol yes I was joking. No she wasn’t! So I go down there yesterday and I get the 200 and I get back to my house and I count it and there’s 220 there. I know she did it on purpose because she knows she pissed me off and she doesn’t want to fuck this gig up. I just don’t see what kind of gig it is and I don’t feel comfortable with it so whatever maybe I’ll let her get paid give her the key because I feel comfortable enough to give her a key if I go to the hospital with Shirley I will she likes cats so she can feed my cat and clean the box and pet him sometimes and that’s what I’m paying for even if she doesn’t do a little work she said she can take my garbage out no that’s not gonna happen as long as I can do it I’m gonna do everything I can’t if she doesn’t feel comfortable being my person then I’ll get another one but that means she’s gonna get a bunch of free money and I just don’t know how I feel about that. Who knows I may not wake up tomorrow LOL and wouldn’t that be the easy way out it would be if I didn’t know about it. I mean that would be the best way of course. So maybe this is a non-issue that by the time she’s on the books I wake up with some terrible problem like organ failure and that’ll be the end of it because I did just walk into a Covid house last freaking night! The lady‘s house she’s been on patient care for a long time and now she has a permanent catheter for her kidney failure she got a different issue than I do but she’s dying so she has a caretaker that has to wipe her ass and then my friend the guy lives there and pretty much takes Benjamin situation but he does bitches and bitches and he will not show up to that job well I would give him the job if I trust him more but I’ve seen him somethings in his pocket in my house so I’m not gonna do it plus he told me his girlfriend it would have to be under her name that’s the kind of gig don’t want which is a criminal in my house it’s gonna take everything in this is a criminal that likes everything that I have so there’s no way. At least this lady doesn’t like everything I have infection like anything I have she doesn’t take anything and I have her at all OK but that’s another thing I have like this sun decorative keychain that I want to stones I love to make a craft item someday which I never make but I’ve had this thing for like 30 years and it’s got green stones in it it’s just some cheap ass keychain from like Claire’s boutique or something I’m at her house and I see it sitting there see that’s how we met she was cleaning up after me moving out of the unit and she was wearing half my clothes. I told the lady I said look if you put the lime green jacket with that it matches better and you’ll look a lot nicer. She runs to her house and grabs me this gift that she made polyurethane over a picture of a devil and angel which isn’t really my style but because she has sole in my clothing and a lot of my belongings from this unit that they locked me out of after they told me I had a month to get my things out of I put it on my wall it’s been there for the last two years to commemorate that this lady has a bunch of my shit. I’m in her house here recently because we’ve become friends of the last few weeks and I’ll see man that looks familiar she got a thing over there are used to have one of those because I’ve got rid of all my beach themed stuff and this was a key fob kind of thing where you put keys in it and have a little door to open up so it looks like a boat house and she goes that is yours that’s from the other place. As I look around I start seeing all kinds of my stuff just say his house is filled with my items.
So I called my dad and say daddy I have a Lotta resentments OK I like her he said well you said you don’t trust her. I said no I never said that about her I said she’s the one person I do trust I said but actually I probably shouldn’t because she’s the one that worked for my old landlord who every time I had to move units while I was just sick it could be when I first got sick with all chemo and everything all at the same time I said she was the one that had to clean and help me move to the next unit for when the winter Texans came or when people came and paid 10 times as much as me the lady that I was living under had me on a timeshare plan I know it. But her cleaning person is this lady all right I just looked for a new apartment and I found so many places here which is where I want to live on the canals on the water well I can look at the window and see the water and I don’t have a patio and I’m in this real small unit nothing works here the owners dad died and left a bunch of drugs and he’s a heroin addict now and this is his last unit that he hasn’t burn through in less than a month and he needs me out of here so he can sell it so he can go buy two days worth of shit really. That’s what I’m going towards because I’ll pay the rent and then three days later he contact my father and ask for $300 to buy me a new microwave having no intention of doing so and then saying and then he only had to pay me 100 back when the rents due next time this happens every month. When he said he was gonna buy the microwave my dad calls me and says has your new microwave and stove God is your daddy he’s a junkie! My dad so he can’t go on like this where every month he makes a deal with me behind your back to get the rent and then only have to pay a couple hundred dollars on it when it’s due again and last long and I’m in no condition to move plus it’s not easy for a felon to get an apartment I had it all set up here which is what I was saying and this lady who is my landlord over like six units that I didn’t want to have to move to but I had no choice this lady move me in when I finally was going to get out from under her she locked me out of my unit I had to leave there because the water heater exploded and broke the glass to the closet which was a mirrored. The lady Jewlz mean you can stay here and air it out with these humidifiers get all the moisture it was a second-floor apartment with two stories where is 140° on the third floor and only had a window AC unit so you can really only be on a daybed right in front of the window AC unit it was a miserable situation and no pets were allowed in so she got my cat registered as an emotional support animal I said I could pay her later. I was there a year and then the water heater broke the deal was I already paid the rent so I was gonna stay for a month my dad had rented this tiny place back where I used to live where I wanted to be but one without a balcony so it seems even smaller at 380 ft.² it’s like a closet and nothing works in it. I can’t ask the landlord to come in but I have like water that comes out of the shower and that’s about it the freezer part of the fridge raider works in the microwave works but the dishwasher oven any other water source doesn’t work unless I use a shower that sucks but you know whatever I don’t want him by my house. So that he’s not capable of doing a damn thing he’s my age and the first time I saw his arm he’s wearing a tank top and I go look at that I know what that is and he goes it’s a fucking chemical burn! Whatever dude you’re talking to the wrong person about that so from the 90s wearing long sleeves and everything else I am from now on he doesn’t wanna talk to me anymore cause I’m too mean he says. Of course he owes me some money which was convenient but whatever I’ll get over it. I just don’t want to move so there may be some way that I can force myself to stay here but what I did is I spent all day writing the historical values of these units because the guy has been begging us to buy it. No one wants a rental property on something that’s built on sand that was built in the 70s the place is falling apart. It’s a resort for people that don’t live here but for the few people that do it’s no resort.
So two days after he said I can stay a month I guess she realizes that I’m at her tenant anymore so I run into this lady in the hall wearing half my clothes and she goes no they change the locks. So if you gave me the gift I called someone needs to be friends with and we ran over there because he insisted that they did not change the locks and I can get my stuff in my mind I was being kind of nihilistic and I kind of just wanted to leave it all behind it’s like fuck it you know they can just steal everything and I’ll start over with nothing. He said no no no we’re gonna go get your shit all right fine so we went over there and I see a trash bag with a lot of my favorite clothes in it and then I see Paula folding clothes which is the one she’s keeping and this is the lady that I’m trying to hire. So, I call my dad a few days ago I look at the lottery please house is filled with my stuff she still got my clothes I see my life at her house and she even like let me borrow things which were mine! My dad says love you send it in pressure but if this is who you want no we’re both victims she just works for the lady you were just her tenant so it’s neither of your fault. OK so I feel better about it a little bit but I still have resentments apparently especially when she sent him a text saying do you want your $200 back what the fuck is up with that? So unfortunately that’s how we met and I just looked for an apartment in the way that I’ve been getting new apartments here all along was because the very first time I moved in they knew I was a felon it was a big deal I said you’re gonna watch for traffic and all this crap of course I was a good girl there were no problems I was on paper so when that time came and went then when it came time for me to move to a new landlord the way down in the office who is just a property management lady but she can speak for everybody she did she said all we’ve already done a background check on her she’s fine so she did me a huge solid. She did it several times then I got under that lady and since I went to so many units with her because she kept moving me around when I was just looking for a new apartment here I called every owner that owns one we’re sure that many there’s like six or seven and said yeah used to live under this lady so she’ll give me a good reference. Every person backed out after they were handing me the apartment which I didn’t know if I was gonna be able to move anyway my dad showed up to help me move and suddenly all these people are saying no we don’t have a unit available I kept telling him ask the lady down in the office she’ll give a good reference because she always has… Well there was this unit that was really cheap and really nice so I called him he was it on craigslist and said it was ready for move-in so when I called him I gave her the reference he called me back and said I’m sorry there’s people coming to look at it right now and I’m going to rent it to them they’re engineers. The next day the ad was up again so I tell my dad look when you call this guy? My dad called and he goes yeah there was this woman that wanted to move in here and this is what we found out…
Apparently the lady that I was giving as a reference told everybody yeah she pays her rent every month on time because SSI pays for it she said but when it gets time to move she trash is the place. So she slammed my name so badly with everybody that no one will let me move in my dad even tried to cosign on that one unit which we don’t even do in our family. So my dad comes down here we go look at like two apartments and he goes well I guess when I go find you anything you got a move with me no that’s not gonna happen either I don’t know what I’m gonna do but I’m not ever gonna give her as a reference again although now every owner here knows knows what nothing because it’s a lie! The lady move me so many times it was ugly when I was as sick as a dog to where it was almost impossible to move but now I never left the house trash the day I got out from under her she started slamming my name. I even ask her on the phone if I could give her as a reference and she was working for the COVID-19 initiative in California or something like that so from California she’s telling these people that I’m a bad tenant because I don’t live under her anymore because everything she said is a lie. I had to move out of that unit because the hot water heater exploded while I wasn’t even home! So I don’t really know how to feel about this lady she’s trying real hard. Her trying real hard it’s kind of goofy though because I like the 200 thing so she throws a 20 on there I guess to make it better because I know she didn’t do it on accident. Whenever she screws up she like cooked me dinner or something. She text me every day to see if I’m OK which is one of the first things I told her is that once I realized I need somebody I started calling people and they wouldn’t even call me back! So she makes a point to call me every day so I’m trying to wrap my mind around this having a friend deal but I finally just had to ask look are we gonna split the money what are we gonna do? She says oh I don’t feel comfortable with that so she wants all the money so like I said and my dad agrees even if she just calls and says she’s working and gets paid for nothing she’s getting paid to hold my key because I won’t give anyone a key not even my father and she’s getting paid to take care of Joey not if I pass away because she doesn’t have a home for him but whenever I’m in the hospital which is an inevitability eventually. And because she may not feel comfortable being my way again it’s just real ugly OK there’s no dignity and dying OK but when it gets to where she’s not comfortable doing those things I think I can probably have 30 hours a week he already told me I can have a pastor of assisted-living the nurse nurse practitioner and I’ll be in all kinds of crap in my house so I just have to give an hour to that person like if I want to bass sore if someone is to come by twice a day for me to go to the bathroom can you imagine this shit I can’t! Why do I even have to? I mean how terrible is this? I almost feel really sorry for myself today. This thing is so long when we go back and see what I’ve said. I’m still manic because I’m still in the dexamethasone so I’ve been so manic album far beyond the point of getting things done now things are just crazy and I get confused after being up for too many days I did just sleep so I’m just hit the ground running TV is not even on I’ve got three of them I want to know how to daisychain them together I think you just get that blue cord I can’t remember and I was a CIS major I’ve just forgotten everything because that’s all you can do is just copy or duplicate the screen right? I do have a Roku but don’t really wanna use Bluetooth but I will I just don’t know what that does for me because I haven’t been using these things. That’s what I was going to say is that Teladoc maybe I can get some soma up from him. I can explain to him that I must’ve been in denial about the falling and that happened several times in one day the other day and it did looks like I was in a motorcycle accident because the road rash on my legs my head and then you can’t see my timbal I don’t even remember what I hit that but I hit it oh something in my car when I took a turn smacked into my head so fucking hard and the Temple but I didn’t see stars and nothing in my body went dead so I think I was OK there and then I look up and I’m 1 1/2 feet from hitting a fucking no parking sign… And it’s just turning on me hey maybe I need to get my ass home and quit driving! OK I signed a paper for years ago that said I wouldn’t drive but somebody’s got to get me to these doctors appointments and stuff yeah I can take the yellow bus but I’m not going to as long as I have a vehicle but they keep saying you know you can kill yourself OK well there’s that whatever or you could kill other people. I hate hearing that shit. No I don’t want to kill other people but it’s really hard for me to think about to be honest. Now after yesterday calling multiple times harming myself pretty badly where I was afraid I probably had a least one concussion and I probably shouldn’t go to sleep having an entire side of my body go dead but only for a few minutes and almost wrecking into a sign without even noticing it just dawned on me with the cat in the car that cat would’ve never been the same because he hasn’t
been the same ever since a door slammed behind him! Well will you go if I need someone to drive me around and it needs to be that lady she needs to get a car but she needs a new better than just buying off somebody without even asking a question she Musta got real lucky before his car she was buying the tags went out in March she would have the same problem because she’s got fines tickets and all kinds of stuff she can’t take care of. She won’t even get her cat fixed and I’m gonna have to take her cat and get it fixed because it’s going to turn into a monster if she doesn’t poor little guy.
Regarding yesterday I mean it’s really pretty fucking typical and my life. I’ve been so manic I can’t play any of my games, I haven’t watched any of my shows, most of the time I’m either asleep in my chair eating or I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing I just lose time and I found out yesterday a lot which is I just make shit up for what I don’t know what happened! So I didn’t know what really happened so I make up his whole story that these guys were all shady and when I said I dropped my keys then all of a sudden they had to leave really quickly because I knew they had them because they were criminals what the fuck !? Then later on I’m at Walmart of all places and I walk in the Wyndham he’s lost his phone as a man I was cussing you all day long he says I would never do that to anyone man which remains to be seen of course but still… I just get so discombobulated man… I had the cat with me a few miles from the house and I started trying to walk to the house to break in because inside the house was my wallet/cash/MEDS <if you will> so I couldn’t even get a wrecker which thank God I didn’t go through all that crap today but I broke in ~ it was hard {well I didn’t I got someone else to do it}.
I started crying a little bit because man I had to walk a couple of miles with my cat who is wonderful but he’s become terrified of me, attacks me because bc- and i know why bc I’ve watched it. I’m his sole protector and provider. I drop the ball, I act differently, I get weird and don’t sleep 24/7 but instead don’t sleep at all or sleep sitting up bc somewhere. His eyes watch me so wild and if it’s just a little bit weird ~ he’ll just bite into my leg like to say stop it mama! I always imagine it’s like when a sick animal treks into there woods. He attacks saying usually when I’m not a aware I’m pacing: STOP!!
If things get bad enough - which an understatement is that I’ve been on some other planet or plane where for that brief moment, deep within i hear the voice so far away wondering … Am I really still alive?
It’s been bad lately with my kitty kid - he goes ballistic on me like he’s never gone on anybody because I’m not his protection now and he has nowhere to turn and THAT hurts my feelings. He’s afraid of me plus he got away like five times in five years yet only in the last 2 weeks. He’s never gotten away once. I even had to leave him at the beach out in the field for a day. I knew he was gone forever and my life flashed before my eyes so many times because coyotes ~ he’s interested in them and they’re interested in him… because he was out in a wetland field with rattlesnakes. When I finally found him he was just sitting in tall grass twice as tall as him, huge eyes, totally silent and afraid of me where I had to chase him down to bring him back to safety. The only reason n I even bc saw him is he is Snow White against the tall sea grass/marsh area.
Without Joey there is no life for me so I feel I don’t even want to LIVE without him And that’s the truth because I don’t. I feel guilty because I wish we could die on the same day. I feel guilty because part of me knows he doesn’t want to stay here without me and it sounds so selfish.
Man I have shin splints and I don’t know what to do about these damn things. I can’t believe they cut me off of my soma … a med that i actually need FOR brain cancer which is what’s so ludicrous. I don’t have to have them for leg cramps and other problems that I have that I’ve been going on for years because I’ve been taking soma for 20 something years but I actually need to things!
I need them because of my neck twitching because of this upcoming brain surgery bullshit and because I just had brain surgery in September… because why shouldn’t I have some benign little drug which overall is pretty useless? I’ve even asked the nurse practitioner that i get to see in lieu of any actual doctor ~~~ COME ON MAN! At this point how about some Robaxin or Flexeril or any of that junk that doesn’t even do a damn thing that I can tell but neither does Carisoprodol that I can tell but I know 20 years ago I used to have some kind of stroke reaction so at least it was a little short hiatus.
Every time I eat food I still have that sensation that it’s time to take a soma like something is missing from the entire experience of eating and that’s the one that I always take with food because that’s the best chance of having said reaction which is so rare but that’s what I guess I really like about them.
I used to get them from India all day long and have them delivered every Monday to New York and I would watch… I never got a love letter, they said right on the package what they were exactly and they were $.35 each. IMO from India they were stronger than the ones from United States ~ better than the $3 Dans everyone clamored about and to hand two to one of those ppl From a 10 pack of a blister pack… For free because it cost me $.70 anyway suddenly people loved the hell out of them which is what I was trying to show them what a better deal those two actually were for $2 instead of $3 Dans… lol.
I like them a lot. I have to tell him myself too I’ve been in denial about my balance apparently and there was no denying it yesterday. In the morning before daylight and I was out driving around I stopped and looked at these contractors been right it has been empty the week before and I live in a really nice neighborhood so I just wanted to see if they had all of these brand new boxes of backsplash. I mean Walmart even carries backsplash and sheets over in a decorative area that are made a crap that cost like $30 so these are entire pile boxes of really bad ass tiny square backsplash and I have a desire to do that although I probably never will but it’s pretty cool stuff and I like crafts even though I’m just gathering supplies again which will be great if I could start selling things to because I miss that… But that’s sounds like magic talk to me it really does. So anyway I’m looking to find this trash cans got all the people that owned the house before their personal medication‘s in the Longs and stuff they’re throwing away because one thing I’ve learned with the process of dying is it everybody’s got their own shit. Nobody wants your shit nobody wants it because they have their own. So it’s sad to watch like your grandparents or whoever your parents build an empire a mass wealth in an estate basically start a business build a home and then lose it all piece by piece until nothing remains. Yeah it’s sad. Can this coffee that I had to buy which I put it on my EBT because when I started realizing since I never use that thing if it’s got $1000 on I bought some lobster tails the other day woo hoo lol I mean why not no one else is using it no one ever will. So I bought some $20 freaking coffee just because of the picture and the name lol it is so bad ass it’s calls shoot I got to get glasses I never needed glasses in my life so how maddening is this plus the two pairs that I’m wearing right now I have to wear them together because they’re not strong enough by themselves they heard I’m gonna say 20 pairs of glasses but I can’t see them so therefore they no longer exist that’s fucking suck. Hold on because I need to make some coffee and some breakfast I’ll be back and I hope y’all don’t mind me riding here I don’t know where else to ride and I just wanted to write a song but it’s gotten out of hand as usual I figure y’all move it if you need to maybe you’ll say hello maybe it’s OK maybe it doesn’t really matter. Are used to run forums there’s rules if I break them please fix them because I’m pretty much brain dead and I kid you fucking night! Stop
OK I’m not enjoying this. I can’t find an extension cord or whatever it has plug-ins there’s not enough hours here then I started looking for my keyboards plug-in I don’t know where that is and I would like to see that today and start thinking about how my car is packed full of shit and I swore than anything else I bring in the house some thing we go out of that same size and value I have three TVs now which is great because I like to turn my head anyway watch TV whenever I do watch it now that I have been watching it and I miss Bob’s Burgers to be honest… It’s actually been long enough that Futurama‘s enjoyable again believe it or not which when I saw they were coming back with king of the hill and Futurama I was like oh God no but it’s been long enough and I don’t remember the last two whatever when they came back on Futurama every time I see him it’s like I never saw him before so I enjoy that a lot I don’t ever see those the final ones though I couldn’t find my phone charger all day yesterday fucking new so let me look how to plug in this coffee van I just want to scream but nobody cares including me I just want my coffee and I guess some breakfast I guess.
OK I made my coffee call Deathwish ha ha lol OL where I like anything that plays on dancing I have so many skull shirts. I know it’ll probably be blasphemy but I really like Sons of Anarchy but that’s like my favorite shirt ever lol it’s black and red man everything‘s black and red in my house. It’s up the silk milk almond which is blue I’m going on some Cap’n Crunch berries I don’t think I’ve ever had that in my life or Cap’n Crunch since I was a child along with my Deathwish coffee and tea OLA Lola and I will lay low though she walked up to me and she asked me to dancing in her bedroom boys almost fell for my Lola yeah how can a whole club full of people Beats 1 in your arms too and fro to a song that half of at least don’t know it was about cross-dressing an actual encounter that the band member even talks about if you look up the article where he said yeah I got it on with the dude and you know it was a romantic enter lewd. See how voice recognition did that interlude LOL Interlude Interlude I can’t make it happen again! All right so I’m bout to eat his cereal and I have some daddy Daisy cottage cheese with strawberries I said why not usually a 10 times as much lately anyway I’m feeling better hey I miss you guys and I thought about you every day and I felt really badly for disappearing but I wasn’t anywhere anywhere I was in between. I was here thinking of you thinking of me thinking of what the fucks wrong with me why I can’t get anything done I’ll go that’s nothing new but I sure can’t talk right well apparently not after about a week it’s all discombobulated none of it comes out right whatever.
So I’m looking for up right right right. OK the only jobs that felons have better females that I know of is whole milk here for sure and cleaning houses. You guys have a little better construction managers my grade is sucking women but it’s a harder job and most people don’t want to work anyway I have found and I’m sure that includes me these days for sure. So for four years someone could’ve been getting paid I’ve been eligible for up to like five different providers in my house for over four years. No thank you I have my own lifestyle which is nobody’s fucking business and I had to fight tooth and nail to keep adult protective services out of my home because I wanted to count my medication that will work because my medications are gone the day after I get them usually I mean I have some that I have several months saved up but nothing important ones because well I’m not real happy right now with what’s going on but people have dibs although I would give it up in a heartbeat for the right dibs away. So this girl right apparently message Jake who cleans houses of course that I don’t feel like I’m watching her eyes dart about my house. How when I’m talking I’m saying gosh I’m so dizzy eyedrop medication by pneumonia the bad six months later or money I don’t see their eyes flash. OK maybe I don’t trust people and I never have but good God will kill you! This is good Captain crunch with bananas and I’m sure the silk knob doesn’t hurt it much because I love that stuff. For no reason it’s not like I can’t drink vitamin D milk and I would’ve never tried it but I had it at someone’s house because you know you just don’t pick things up and I’m thinking why do I even need that and I tried at my dad‘s house one time is delicious man I start buying the halo marginal kind of things to try to put it in my milk but it just taste better when it’s any kind of thing but cows milk I’ll even buy evaporated milk just have to worry about the fridge. Does anybody else ever do that I use sweetened condensed milk all the time now in my coffee and everything. No I don’t even drink coffee at all 90% of my life except when I manic when I manic I’m in the mood for it for some reason now I will say I wonder if this happens to anyone else also… I just made 4 cups of coffee on accident I’m drinking them I will pass out for 12 hours straight as soon as the caffeine wears off with it used to take two hours not sure anymore. In half an hour I can be asleep from drinking a cup of coffee isn’t that weird? Well I guess not because it’s nothing works anymore that goes to say that maybe it didn’t does not work it might do the opposite which is true of a lot of things because a lot of things feel really bad down things are used to enjoy and I can’t imagine why. From now coffee I noticed back when I was trying to be clean they going to Starbucks with drug seeking behavior that usually end up with me buying caffeine pills and of course going on from there I’m not worry about that anymore who gives a shit to stay clean through this speak me to Waze where’s my shit hold on BRB what are you doing baby no oh no drop my coffee no no fuck that dammit that sucks that’s sucks baby well never mind I just heard something from the other room and it was my coffee spilling all over the fucking floor OK no more coffee today I didn’t need more than a cup anyway for now anyway. But I did not buy my torch and there must be 10 of those around if I could just see one! I feel so debilitated man shit will be to clear everything else so I can find something but doesn’t work like that I’ve tried buying 10 of the same shirt or one of the same shirt and I still can’t find one at the end of the day would before I got sick.
OK I found most everything but I haven’t found a torch for unbroken stuff so still freaking looking at my breakfast turn off my phone asleep in his coat or not I may have maybe there’s one in the pocket no the other jacket in the other pocket no no fans need to see a fucking thing to tell him I sell somebody God please give me! Please step in the house
OK scales missing I had something I could jump off of but I can’t find a regular one I’m not mad at anything else girl micro milligram it does not look like a G it was point for point I don’t lie like that I’m not going to again that’s a lot of money to get us another name OK how did she just gone half of that cherry Coca-Cola which I only drink at pepper usually but the 10 ounce ones or not even that big losing they are I can’t see them glasses online 7.5 fluid ounces hundred calories ha ha anyway I am actually bought cherry Coke phantom and they’re the perfect size because otherwise I would have 10 cans sitting here half full but I have to go pour out throwaway well now I’m drinking 7.5 ounces and throw it in the trash that’s wonderful it’s a great solution for me to be honest I’m really glad about that no they’re not any cheaper in fact they’re probably more expensive than regular cans but so what when I’m wasting the whole thing now it’s Clippers game of the Mets good night handsome in that would be nice to take some time tomorrow forget OK what day of the month is it anyway. It comes out at 30 p/g at 210 of 100 invest so 7’@109 or quad/100 w good price of 30/g
OK I was going to turn myself in to at least blue light because I finally realized that the following is a balance problem I’ve been making excuses forever but I have fallen a couple of times where I got scared and I thought I was gonna die from the fall and one of those was yesterday before daylight. I pushed against the stupid trashcan I don’t know I fell over the trashcan I don’t know why I thought it was steady and behind it was a stucco column so it had like a little sand pieces in it that are painted and so there or added into the paint. My head heads at full force which you can kind of see but you can’t see it and all of its glory because I made it black and white that’s where I said yay because I got a hat covering that up it shows for sure but when I hit it? Instantly I saw stars for real and then the next instant entire left side of my body I couldn’t feel. So I figured I probably had a heart attack and you know they do say that we have hundreds of small is there a lifetime in my bloodstream and everything is not that great but I didn’t have a phone on me it was in the car which I couldn’t fine most of yesterday actually was back at the house that’s what the problem was anyway I did try to get him a Tele dock so I Musta had my phone at some point and it took over an hour and by then I figured you know I’m still alive I’m OK and what are you gonna say besides go to the emergency room? Well go to the nurse and she said you might be surprised which is because these Tele docs their number one question is what would you have done if you hadn’t have called Teladoc number one going to the emergency room and I found out number to dial 911 which is what I would’ve done and I actually did and I talk to that’s who I talk to you it was a nurse it was a 911 lady I had to deal with the police twice as fast as I had to get a ride home I couldn’t walk that far and I didn’t know it sounds crying most of the time and people are acting like I’m a homeless check with you really suck to man I’m carrying a cat that’s growling and freaking out on me and scratching me trying to walk about 2 miles back to the freaking house so I get to a CVS and I say would you please dial 911 and I go sit outside in about half an hour later the guy comes out and says OK I want to talk to you oh my God! So I tell the policeman look my car is parked over here I can’t find the keys I believe these guys have it I don’t know who they are but I need to get in my house so I can get my phone my credit card and things that I need so that I can get the keys, the locks chains and locks on my apartment changed. He was a real dickhead and I said look I lived here for six years he said I’ve never seen you before is it why are your hands so dirty? I don’t fucking now do you leave me the fuck alone are you gonna take me home or not? He said no we’re gonna go see if your car so when you called and said your car was stolen. I did not call and say my car was stolen I called and said look I have brain cancer I can’t walk anymore I need a ride home because I don’t have any cash on me to call a cab. So we go look at the car and he goes OK it’s here it’s not stolen I said I never said it was stolen he said so you just need a ride home then you and your cat right? Yes! That’s what I said? So I think I just drop me off at the door and then I had to find a butter knife and it’s pretty easy to get in these places although I had no luck I had to get somebody else to break the door in for me luckily it still shut and locks and I do have other locks to change but why nobody else has the key I found the keys so I called up a friend of mine right? Well friend is a strong word but I called up someone I know and said look this is what happened I need your help can you drive over here please I will pay you. Of course he does for 20 bucks and we search through all of this yard where I said I dropped the keys. He asked me multiple times over a couple of hours hey do you think they might be inside your vehicle in the passenger seat? I said no because I remember saying right when these guys walked up hey I just dropped my keys. After they looked through all this crap because it was heavy trash day is what it was all the sudden one of them says I got to go and the other one says yeah we got to go now and they left really quickly. In my mind that’s when They found the keys And took off with them… to come back later and steal my vehicle but in the meantime head straight to my apartment because me and my big mouth they know I had cancer so they know I’ve got all kinds a goodies it’s already knew they broke into my house and stole all of my drugs. I was glad to see that they had not of course and I finally look in the passenger seat and there are the fucking keys. Well we’re supposed to meet at the store after I went and got My wallet and $20 for him. Well then I couldn’t find my phone or my credit card again because I can’t see them. That’s my life I swear to God searching and searching and searching for things I can never find until I see them in the moment I see them go back in my life again when I’m surprised every day at the things that I have because I forget I even on things until I see them and it’s a weird sensation I hate it it’s gonna make me cry again. I don’t wanna be brain dead man. Here I am pity party pity party pity pity pity poor me poor me pour me our me pour me another fucking drink right?! There’s no need for that bullshit I don’t know I’ve been getting emotional I just don’t like feeling so stupid because everything that happened yesterday from before daylight until well after dark is just me being a fucking idiot losing the same things over and over again and having to blame people and even making up stories about how it happened that’s what it tells me that if I don’t know what happened I barely always make it up! So I made up this whole story about these criminals and then guess what I ran into the dude at Walmart later that night and he’s lost his phone and I told him I’ve been cussing him all day long for stealing my keys I think I already said that. They were looking for stuff anyway which I said I’d be glad to get Because I’m not paying p4p. So that would be a good deal but the thing is since he said he couldn’t find his phone I told him I’d call him at midnight so he could listen for his phone when I did a voicemail answer that wasn’t even his name so he didn’t give me the right number as far as I’m concerned so whatever. It was kind of serendipitous because at the store he goes I bet you’re a Virgo not that I care about that stuff… Yeah I guess when you’re nearing the end of your life you start questioning a lot of things whether it’s 11:11 the ascension Carl Jung Alice in Wonderland alternate planes Richard Bach - Jonathan Livingston Seagull - what’s all about Alfie? I guess he start looking for any other alternative to not existing. I’d like to say I’m not afraid to die but everyone is afraid to die. I don’t care who says they’re not but man’s greatest fear is his greatest obsession so the equalizer back in the 70s. And that’s true I was terrified of tornadoes so I wanted to be a meteorologist. Peoples biggest fear beat snakes or whatever all lead to death because everyone’s afraid to die. Everyone in there is no solution we’re just Cynthias and that’s just too bad that we have to be aware of it. I mean I guess it’s great because we get to think if that’s such a gift because cats certainly look pretty happy most of the time long is your mom is not crazy. Dogs are happy even animals right now Sarah Cynthias I don’t exactly know what that even means now because Cynthian to me means able to think deeply and think about why we’re here what it was about why it’s a short while we get sick why some people live longer than others I don’t believe only the good die Young… I’d like to but it’s not true. That’s why we’re here is a huge question net text to be answered and I’m afraid that the reason is there isn’t one. There’s no reason we’re here we just are and we just happen to be how are you look at it blessed with that or punish my haven’t tried to bargain with this thing called life like why can’t we live forever why can’t we go to heaven if even can believe anything like that what are we here for you just to know we’re leaving that sucks ass what the fucks up with that I mean really why? Why do I have to be aware that when I die or why can’t everyone why cannot everyone have such solid conviction that they know that they’re going somewhere good that’s what I wanna know I just wanna make two out of 50 sounds good to me for Miss kenny yesterday I thought that’s real dumb festival in Hailer not gonna have time but for reverse tolerance I would that’s not really the same because reverse tolerance you can live through anyway. Go to far is for the stupid pills I don’t even take they say I sure you don’t want to naloxone inhaler I say no thank you because I know nothing I have that would come in handy unless I was entertaining guess which would never happen. Because I have made that mistake a few times no well OK I’m not gonna go into that but everyone lives in the end. Lol lol yay always look at myself and I don’t think about peoples opiate intolerance is the problem. But they lived lol I’m still laughing it’s not funny now I can’t find my wire see what happens it’s like Karma is a goddamn bitch this week and I’ve had the worst luck all week ever since I started and I’m gonna go into it but how can karma be that swift unless there is a God I’m going to hell anyway right now see you when I get there
Lucky you you go to skip this whole hour long ordeal with me looking for everything and anything starting with a torch I found fluid I found a fireplace lighter that would not fill up I found a torch I lost the torch I found unbroken glass I lost that I finally found a torch after I found Mattix I was looking for matching socks couldn’t believe I found an old box of matches right like I was so excited anyway and turns out they hit every match in the fucking box but while looking for the matches I found a torch in the glass and I lit my candle because ambience is everything I can’t see anymore but I see a lot of glitter and a lot of shiny red and I like the smell I don’t like a cigars from to put it out I figured why not you know who gives a shit anymore anyway but I can’t find my Vape pens wish I would really like but that’s OK I can do without him how is this sure is nice to have one. Now we can like this thing it’s not do that thank you he’s laying right here at his clam yes he is he’s a good boy he’s happy he’s a happy boy looking at me funny though
it doesn’t even work 90% of the time and if it doesn’t last maybe 10 minutes? It’s just ludicrous to me is that they change the scheduling as well because it’s nothing that even know how it works they think it converts to a benzo in the system at least that’s what I read… something I need so badly and I can’t pay a motherfucker to make sure I can get back from Mexico in normal time without having to get a motel room people make up excuses it’s like you don’t have to lie just say you don’t wanna fucking go! I said I’d be happy to pay you whatever you want God so looks like eventually I’m gonna have to go by myself because I want some ketamine and I want some so much. I still haven’t gotten them so I think he did a UA last time I was there so probably everything’s about to end anywayeven if he scared of me maybe I could be his mom again but I miss him and he’s acting out he asked so tough but really he’s just so afraid. and I actually found it after crying all day that… I know he loves going outside but it’s just he feels so insecure right now he doesn’t know what to do because he has nobody protecting him he’s the protector and he’s afraid of who is protecting it’s terrible. shouldn’t be hard but if I can’t see something it’s gone off of face of the earth man! I’m fine I just I guess I’m living out my final days and I don’t like that. I don’t want it this way oh I need to stop by somebody’s house real quick and after I was there 30 minutes this girl says you didn’t tell her that so-and-so just came in with a terrible case of Covid two days ago?! The guy says oh no I forgot and she says do you know if she can die in like two days … So I suppose I’ve got a couple of weeks of quarantine or some shit I don’t know. So I feel like I’m sorry for myself but this song makes me feel really good and if you’ve ever heard it before I like you you’re a friend of mine lol it’s the bumpin uglies. I just woke up and it sounded so good and I hope it sounds good to somebody else I like it a lot.
This day couldn’t have gotten any worse and it’s lasted for two… OMFG please help me man please fucking help me I don’t know what to fucking do anymore I’m going to the store to get a drink I hate this I just want to die man I can’t do it anymore I need help.
Oil 00 hi Siri I want to set one up drive to hell
How could I not know because I’m alone with
I don’t know how any of this happened and I know how I got here I just wanna wake up from this fucking horrible dream nobody wants to die I sure don’t wanna fucking die what the fuck is happening man? That’s probably the truth and I’m scared as a motherfucker man I’m scared because I have to know I’m dying like dead man walking.
. …homeless and it’s because I have brain cancer man! I’m a crazy bitch cause I have brain cancer what was I doing in somebody’s yard looking at heavy trash I don’t fucking know OK to get a bathroom chair for old people and I have a standing shower so maybe I was thinking ahead I don’t fucking know preparing for the worst because it’s coming it’s coming. There’s nothing beautiful about this process man so I don’t know I slept and I think I did the ground rain today went whenever I started this message yesterday I don’t have a fucking clue anymore I thought maybe I was getting back to normal but no idea fucking how much I repeat myself I guess but anyway I’m speeding home to where I got a message saying I got some news for you do you wanna hear it now?
It was my dad so I have 30 days to move out from today OK Friday I have a doctors appointment to go over the unchanged swelling of the brain after surgery from an MRI that hadn’t even been scheduled yet because somebody fucked up and then the following week is decided whether or not I have my third brain surgery to the same exact spot which is pretty much gonna happen because I have no other choice and there’s a reason that they don’t do surgery to the same spot in the cerebellum three times or even more than once and I don’t know what that is but I’m nobody’s looking over the sky shoulders and neck do whatever they want amateur mercy and they get so giddy it’s like I’m not in the room it’s so wild watch them in the usually younger than me man which makes me question what I did with my life of course but they get giddy and you can see their owner of patting their own backs over being so happy they’re going to make so much fucking money of a Medicaid this fucking thorn in their side patient that they never want to see again they don’t even like follow-ups they don’t expect him to live I don’t treat him and I know they’re treating him with an archaic method of treatment that nobody uses anymore with a tattoo you up and they say how do you like your tattoo job are you fucking kidding you couldn’t even do a fucking touch you did a straight line dumb ass anyway. Then after the first three radiation treatments but they said were a breeze and they sure until the tide is it say yes five minutes of radiation surgeries no big deal not at all man so he is part it sure is! You’re right the rest of your fucking life in bed mad with no energy not worth it. Your cat with innocent eyes looks at you soul survivor soul support and he’s going to outlive you that’s love man but it’s terrible I don’t know what I’d do without him but I can’t go with him and he can’t go without me come on man please sorry to be out and I don’t even know what my options are I guess move to a monthly motel or some shit I don’t fucking know what to do anymore I don’t I’m about done man I don’t know what to do anymore but have a public meltdown …
so the song that one was what I really want to play a song oh bump and uglies that’s what it is and I want you to listen to it and imagine these were the days.
it’s OK imagine know I’m here know I wanna get back but no it’s not gonna be an easy road it’s gonna be fucking so hard I don’t know where I can make it better. God help me please… Fuck fuck fuck stop
MAN get me a OFF THIS fucking roller coaster please I don’t even recognize IT OR THE SHIT that comes out of my mouth now I’m not sure I don’t know those people…
Thank you for riding out the Big Log storm with me ~ the last in Line… DIO
(Cont)
That can be explained with basic psychology.
