the stars on the assfault

[wesmdow]

critique please.

torso spread on the pavement
butter on warm toast

dark angel above
lingering about
relishing the stage

two sparkles yet remain
on the pitch assfalt
two stars, flickering
but determined.

hopeless.

legs twitch and
mouth gapes--
pleading for air.

acknowledgement.

a final scream,
schreech, shreik,
gasp, gurgle.

silence.

all is still, again.

 

[katmeow]

I like this the most of anything you've posted here. The lines:

torso spread on the pavement
butter on warm toast

in particular create a powerful image to open the work.

As purely aesthetic point, I don't really like the way you use -- in your poems so I'm glad you've cut down on it here... I don't believe that it really adds anything to it.

Also, couple of spelling issues:

Is assfault meant to be asphalt or am I missing some play on words?

Plus, it's shriek, not shreik.

Otherwise, nice work