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The relapse came out of nowhere man. I had called the pharmacy and even went in and told them I was a junkie abusing my meds and never sell me their shit again as they were my last drug dealer left to burn bridges with. I pretty much screamed at them. I woke up one day with extreme cravings for the first time in 3 weeks, realizing I can manipulate them into getting my drugs. So I blew through about a gram and a half of oxy in a week. I had my drugs faster than any dealer I ever had and for dirt cheap. I was walking out with my script in the early morning hours as soon as they opened, not really realizing what was going on with one thing consuming my mind. I had one really great high for a day, it was wonderful, just like what one percocet did to me in the beginning, and then the rest of the week is a total blur of bad bullshit.
If I go back it will be IV heroin use, so I don't mind telling the doctors and pharmacists to fuck off.
I hope I pull through okay too. I have recently picked up a moderate cocaine habit. I also hope that since it was only a week, it won't be a full ten days of torture again. I can't keep going through this over and over when I saw how good I was doing even after three weeks. There was so much improvement and I was practicing my guitar 4 hours a day. Haven't touched it since I took those oxy's and in withdrawal I simply can't play. Hopefully I pull through there is a lot more to lose. I can feel that my will is weak from the relapse and that the thing that I was fighting for seems to have disappeared.
 
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so you had extreme cravings, which led you to a change of heart?

I am sorry to hear about that

at one point I took buprenorphine again, because I thought 7 months of nothing would be "long enough" to be able to use without relapsing

(I was wrong)
 
I woke up with opiates on my mind, it was weird as I hadn't had a single craving for them in all those weeks. I was doing great too, getting my energy and vitality back and no more sickness at all. Called the pharmacy without a second thought, I realized my script had been out for a long while. I think it was an access thing... cheap oxy a 5 minute drive away but subconsciously I have no idea what caused the disturbance and those thoughts. I'm sure there was something. There was no obvious trigger apart from my life having seemingly been hit by a hurricane and trying to recover from the damage. Sure, slabs of heroin #4 crossed my mind a few times but I didn't dwell on it.
I just woke up freaking out for a fix, I wasn't even sick I couldn't deal with anything anymore despite the obvious improvement.

Sorry to hear you experienced that. I've tried bupe to quit, I ended up sniffing a little of them and getting kind of high so that is out of the question. I can't handle this class of drugs, ever since I started sniffing heroin my life has been falling further and further away from what I really want out of life. Come to think of it, I couldn't handle them from the very first dose, although it took a solid year or even longer of habitual use to really get dependent. Just sucks I don't know where I would be if I hadn't relapsed, but it would be a much better place than this. Just hoping the withdrawal won't be a full 10 days again since I had 3 weeks. Something tells me it will be, and somehow even worse due to the progression.
 
ShroomySatori said:
I woke up with opiates on my mind, it was weird as I hadn't had a single craving for them in all those weeks. I was doing great too, getting my energy and vitality back and no more sickness at all. Called the pharmacy without a second thought, I realized my script had been out for a long while. I think it was an access thing... cheap oxy a 5 minute drive away but subconsciously I have no idea what caused the disturbance and those thoughts. I'm sure there was something. There was no obvious trigger apart from my life having seemingly been hit by a hurricane and trying to recover from the damage. Sure, slabs of heroin #4 crossed my mind a few times but I didn't dwell on it.
I just woke up freaking out for a fix, I wasn't even sick I couldn't deal with anything anymore despite the obvious improvement.

Sorry to hear you experienced that. I've tried bupe to quit, I ended up sniffing a little of them and getting kind of high so that is out of the question. I can't handle this class of drugs, ever since I started sniffing heroin my life has been falling further and further away from what I really want out of life. Come to think of it, I couldn't handle them from the very first dose, although it took a solid year or even longer of habitual use to really get dependent. Just sucks I don't know where I would be if I hadn't relapsed, but it would be a much better place than this. Just hoping the withdrawal won't be a full 10 days again since I had 3 weeks. Something tells me it will be, and somehow even worse due to the progression.
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it's ok, that was 4 years ago

i have 3 years and a week now.

i agree, snorted heroin = the most addictive, worst life choice by far
 
Does it make me a bad person that I cannot wait to do heroin again? Man its gonna be so good. Ive basically isolated myself from all human interaction to stay clean but that cant go on forever. In all honesty its as bad as when I was on dope and far worse than all the years I abused pharmaceuticals. My life revolved around getting heroin and now it revolves around doing nothing to not get it. But Im in the same boat and not high so whats the fucking difference?
 
That's like rehab: hooray, 28 days, you're all clean and bright-eyed and had group cries and made your 12-step macrame!

Time to go back to your shit life that's exactly the same as it was 28 days ago.



(I've never done it and I can't wait to try it, if that helps. Don't plan on it, but if it came up I'd be excited.)
 
Its worse than rehab in many ways since I have nothing to go back to. I just exist and its boring as all hell. I eat better though so theres that.

Idk. When I was withdrawing Id go to sleep and hope to not wake up. Im not suicidal but it still seems like not a bad option. My luck there is a hell and my heathen ass will suffer there.
 
Captain.Heroin said:
it's ok, that was 4 years ago

i have 3 years and a week now.

i agree, snorted heroin = the most addictive, worst life choice by far
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Insufflation = my preferred way of using it by far. Best high ever even if I had to wait 15 minutes until I wasn't sick anymore. Used to mix in a little fishscale by the end of my reckless abandon. Tolerance sucks. My first gram lasted me several months, last one a couple of days. I don't think I'd do H again as I am so partial to sniffing it but I am still hooked on pills. Terrible life choice and I was blind to it for a very long time.
I have 2 days... recently woke up from a 17 hour sedative induced slumber. Cyclobenzeaprine, baclofen, benzos in high doses. I should probably be more careful although it is day 3 now and I feel much better for now, than yesterday. Morbid thoughts decreasing in intensity. I thought it was evening when I woke up, but it's the morning and the next day.
Figured out why I relapsed, mainly. It was a cocaine binge over a weekend that left me with a terrible crash. I knew opiates would fix me right up, so it seems that I have to quit more than opiates now.
 
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10 days from last 50mg of methadone, did the two bottles after sobering on 4 months on sub, from 2 to 4mg.

After 10 days i score some Tramadol 50mg and have be going on with them five days, about 150mg ed.

Started with H with 17, from than i have spent 20 years of and on, mostly on opiates.

I'm taking escitalopram, lyrica and klonopin for 5 years and I'm doing every damn drug over that.

WD is killing my knees and legs, but it don't know what to do further, i can sfore everything in 1 mile radius :/

LM
 
Well at least you could quit the escitalopram without too much trouble.

I'd be scared most of five years on klonopin, depending on how steady it is.

Anybody tried to quit Lyrica after a steady five year habit? I wonder, since it doesn't actually hit those GABA receptors, but it sure seems like one to cause withdrawal problems. I've never noticed any with gabapentin, but that's a hard one to go crazy with.

Anyway, good luck, lmaster. Wish I knew any positive words of hope.
 
AD's never was a problem to quit.
Few days of flashes and that's it. But klonopin is the hard one.
Tolerance is a biatch, as time is passing, nothing works as it should.
I have saved some Lyrica (bunch) for later WD...
Was sober for 3 years and one sunny April's day - boom, 5g of good H and hoop we go.
And with every month older, every WD is harder.
I remember those days after 3 weeks full binge on H and full stop for month, noe when DOC is gone, everything is hurting.

So fucked but love to role a dub :)
 
I think cannabis is the only thing that keeps me alive and quasi-sane at this point. Even my GP who is super careful with scripts (she prescribed me benzos once... and it was like 3 0.5mg alprazolam haha) when I have an ungodly diazepam, etiz and clonazepam habit... well she asked if I was still a pothead as the scent of herb is pretty much my cologne I said yeah I’m smokin 10 joints of outdoor a day it’s harvest season and I somehow got a referral for medical pot. Was on a lot of oxy at the time and I tend to get very lucky on opiates... they are mysterious that way. Hard to quit dope when it gives me so much focus and energy and pretty much cures everything wrong with me when I have it. It should just be legal. and I’d actually have a life as I suffer from chronic pain that has ruined my self esteem and career life and well... absolutely everything. The pain in my spine I have had for 7 years ruined my life.

I dont have H now and spent the past 3 days knocking myself out with three sedative combos. 20 hour sleep, woke up not knowing it was the next day, thought 7pm but 7am it was, then I did it again and woke up at 4am, at least 10 - 12 hours. When I am awake I am drinking lots of coconut water taking all my supplements and having a healtht meal.
It’s the 4th day and I’m not suffering so much. I wasn’t down for it as I had been through it 3 weeks ago... from here on out I should be able to practice yoga, get outside, have 3 meals a day and synchronize my sleep with the sun. So knocming myself out for three days (cyclobenzeprine, backofen.m, benzos) worked really well. High doses of flexeril in prticular knocked me out so long that I woke up in a sheer panic from skipping my benzos for a day.
 
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My WD has started, pain in knees, lower back, psychological part is well covered with klonopin and Lyrica.
Tramadol is helping for some 3 or 4 hours and after that i have to redose.
2 x 100mg with all other meds.
I have weaned myself from 3x2mg klonopin to 2mg a day and from 600mg Lyrica to 300mg.
I don't know is it smart to go further, especially in this moment.
I'm withdrawing from H, Methadone and Subutex. Today is 11 day without anything.
I get a little buzz from Tramadol and i know the weed is going to make it stronger but i think that's not the thing that i want in this moment (i get to nood while on trams and weed).
As my old friend say, once you go for junk you will spend your life thinking about that shit.

LM
 
lmaster said:
My WD has started, pain in knees, lower back, psychological part is well covered with klonopin and Lyrica.
Tramadol is helping for some 3 or 4 hours and after that i have to redose.
2 x 100mg with all other meds.
I have weaned myself from 3x2mg klonopin to 2mg a day and from 600mg Lyrica to 300mg.
I don't know is it smart to go further, especially in this moment.
I'm withdrawing from H, Methadone and Subutex. Today is 11 day without anything.
I get a little buzz from Tramadol and i know the weed is going to make it stronger but i think that's not the thing that i want in this moment (i get to nood while on trams and weed).
As my old friend say, once you go for junk you will spend your life thinking about that shit.

LM
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Are you trying to get off all of it? Have you been posting in Sober Living? If not, get over there mate.
 
@CFC

I want to stop with opiates for some time, maybe for some time if i can, not all of the medicines.

I dunno if I'm lucky to have the legal therapy but plot twist with opiates on top of that is what is making me thinking about everything.

I love the rush, i can stay sober (from opi's) but somewhere deep inside i know that I will relapse...

Trying to stay sane is life time hobbym

LM
 
I'm not afraid of it anymore. Although, I am just shy of a week clean after fucking up for a week when I had three weeks down. The opiate high is completely pointless to me at this point, I get nothing from it anymore at all, and it takes away my spirit and will to live for anything else. It's hard to have cravings at this point, considering the damage that has been done. I cannot handle any sort of external substance that tickles the mu opioid receptor in any way at all, and I do not give a fuck so long as I never use again. I had one of the most aware and productive days of my life today. My creativity is flourishing, and I am barely noticing withdrawals anymore. I am reading a wonderful book by Aleister Crowley that is esoteric, occult, romantic, and has a nice plot to it but is very non-linear. I have discovered poetry as well, and I notice that I have a knack for this type of analysis too. I have broken free of the insanity of knowledge and logical, linear thought. My post-hardcore kind of electric guitar playing has been ridiculous and very fast paced and free flowing improvisation. I am not interested in focussing my energy on bodily discomforts any longer, and I can live with chronic pain and panic attacks.

This will to change from a manipulative, charming, selfish vampire into a compassionate, creative spirit was catalyzed by several healthy sniffs of 2C-C. I came face to face with myself in probably the most easygoing way possible, as seeing who I have been has not been the nicest of things. Now I know. I feel that I am aware for the first time of my life, and I have been hiding out, not even paying attention to the world around me. Nihilistic, selfish, sociopathic. I am not being hard on myself, I can say this with a friendly grin because I'm just happy that I know, and that I don't think I will be attracting so much negativity into my life anymore. There is no longer any excuse.

I don't think about smack at all really by the way. One of my favourite lyrics is, "my biggest fear is if I let you go, you'll come and get me in my sleep." (Morphine). I couldn't find meaning in it until I relapsed in my slumber. It devastated me, but my psychedelic experience has reinstated so much hope, energy, and vitality that I can't even foresee what my potential will be when I really have some clean time and get my energy back. At 3 weeks I was doing just great, hadn't had a single craving, woke up one morning and ran to the pharmacy for my oxy's. 3 or 4 percocets is enough to ruin my life at this point, as my tolerance is very low. I cannot crave something that has decimated years of my life, as pleasant as the high was at first, eventually it was no longer attainable through habitual use and I found myself desperately wanting to quit, but too afraid to do so. I have officially declared war against my soul stealing tendencies and there is a lot of work to be done. I sure like my 2C-C I'll tell ya that much. Ended up redosing for a couple of days until my spirit felt cleansed and I've been soaring over my suffering ever since.
 
everyone wants to use and abuse heroin then kick it to the curb. (well pretend thats what you're gonna do) New here. long time creeper. F that. H is my girl, I've conceded to the fact. Happiness is a chemical state and I know where its most real.

I do enjoy a good WD too though. Hurts so good before that first dose back.
 
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