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The problem with sobriety is that you forgot how it felt. It feels like shit, that's why you used in the first place. Sober people bitch about their joints and their lives all the fucking time, and lament their lost youth, bicycling around wasting time having fun; now they're too decrepit or busy. It is unpleasant. So you pick a poison.

I think a lot of programs out there leave that out. The shock of reentry I'm sure is a huge part of relapse.
 
You don't sound too happy Shroomy :( - it's good to vent sometimes.

It seems like you're still trying (in your head at least) to live the life you were living back then. But when focusing on the past brings you misery, try focusing on the future. Accept that life has kicked the shit out of you, and that you probably can't be what you were ever again (or at least for now). So fuck it, instead come up with some new plans, ones that are within your abilities at the moment. Even if it seems like really trivial and simple stuff on your list. Cos even simple stuff is 100% more than being dead, which is absolutely nothing at all.
 
i think memory is often sugar-coated too.
we don't tend to remember all the boring, tedious and depressing bits of the past too clearly.
i often remember the intensely good feelings, but filter out the painful stuff.
besides absolute disasters and extremely miserable times, most of my memories of times-gone-by are centred around the good - memorable - things that happened then.

your day-to-day stresses and insecurities generally get overlooked and forgotten about, as we would get totally weighed down by these negative things if we remembered all of them.

so i think we inevitably look at our pasts through rose-coloured glasses to some extent. i know that i do, and it's sometimes kind of mystifying - like, i can feel a sense of vague nostalgia for even the most miserable parts of my life, because some part of me looks back on those days as "simpler times" or something - they're obviously going to be simpler in hindsight if i've forgotten all of the mundane complexities of life.

back injuries fucking suck though, i'll give you that. :(
 
So I had my great Fall into the present Abyss, and watched a thousand doors shut on me. Blah blah blah I feel real bad.

Being back home and finally getting my license restored, I returned to a neighborhood I haunted, when depressed, twenty years ago, and did a memorial long walk.

And realized the emotions were the same. It was the exact same feeling down to the only-roll-one-for-the-walk cigarette.

[excised 638 words] Fuck.


So, I'm about to drive to a dealer's house and purchase stuff. What lie do I tell my mother about where I'm going? It's 6:30pm here.
 
I'm pretty excited for the upcoming solar eclipse. The day happens to coincide with my spouses' birthday. It's childish but I'm almost envious of her because of that lol.

I don't live along the total eclipse path unfortunately but I'm close enough that the moon will still block a huge amount of the sun. On-line simulators show a good 3/4 of the sun missing at the peak from my location.

You are all are required to be heavily intoxicated during the eclipse. It's in the BLUA. Bonus points are given if you blast off on DMT during the peak of the eclipse.
 
I couldn't get my shit together to get to Portland. I set that as a goal like two years ago. I'm very very disappointed with myself.
 
spacejunk said:
i think memory is often sugar-coated too.
we don't tend to remember all the boring, tedious and depressing bits of the past too clearly.
i often remember the intensely good feelings, but filter out the painful stuff.
besides absolute disasters and extremely miserable times, most of my memories of times-gone-by are centred around the good - memorable - things that happened then.

your day-to-day stresses and insecurities generally get overlooked and forgotten about, as we would get totally weighed down by these negative things if we remembered all of them.

so i think we inevitably look at our pasts through rose-coloured glasses to some extent. i know that i do, and it's sometimes kind of mystifying - like, i can feel a sense of vague nostalgia for even the most miserable parts of my life, because some part of me looks back on those days as "simpler times" or something - they're obviously going to be simpler in hindsight if i've forgotten all of the mundane complexities of life.

back injuries fucking suck though, i'll give you that. :(
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Learning more about the neuroscience and psychology of memory, I find it fascinating how we don't actually remember facts or events per se, rather we remember what our emotional/attachment to them is, and future recall is organized around that relationship.
 
solar eclipses are pretty trippy, i remember one in about 1997, walking around and somehow having multiple shadows.
 
Captain.Heroin said:
IV DMT was my hands down favorite experience.

I would never stop drinking milk or eating meat though. =D
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Dairy is great, I am a lover of fine cheese. I like meat, just on occasion.

Anyways, I will definitely be checking that out. Tough to find good experience reports for something like that so thank you for linking me up. Also, I am too finding reading to become a great comfort now that I am in post-acute withdrawal. I was reading about the origins of world war 1 today, and my lady friend read me a poem last night called Annabel Lee by Edgar Allen Poe. I really enjoyed that poem and we had a discussion about the meaning of it. We read a few pages out of The Book of Lies too, and analyzed them actually really well, I thought. It's a talent I didn't think that I possessed since in grade 12 I did poorly in English exclusively. I've always known I could be good at writing though. I'm really enjoying getting back into reading after being sick so long.
 
ShroomySatori said:
Man, I'm just watching a summer compilation video I made from 2012. Just of me and my friends partying, and a lot of self talk about my life while I was out cycling to parks and stuff while blazing joints. Sucks to see how much less happy I am with my life right now, but things could be worse. I really like the girl I am seeing, but looking back 5 years there were not any worries. Total pothead, just having fun hiking and cycling around before school started again. Kinda made me really sad to see me smile so much. I wasn't in pain back then, I hadn't injured my spine yet. Fuck it just completely made me depressed. I had a lot more friends back then too and a lot of bridges have been burnt. Life is so much more stressful now than when I was in university. Maybe it's because I'm still crashing from the coke but it is kind of bringing me to tears. How the fuck did I become a fucking junkie and hurt my damn spine so bad. Just had to vent, it really sucks to see how far I have fallen down and life has just kicked the shit out of me, for some stupid decisions that I made that began with a random injury causing pain so extreme I had no idea what to do. So I turned to hard drugs. It was nice when all I needed was a few joints a day to be chill, now it's benzos and fucking battling this heroin habit and 6 weeks later I still don't feel right. I'm just going through really hard times I guess and honestly the video made me cry. I used to bike around or whatever, bring my iPod with the camera and take random videos of fun times and stuff. It's really sad looking back because if I don't have an opiate in my body I am not physically capable of living a quality of life anything remotely close to that. And with the panic attacks and depression, sometimes I just feel like I want to die. I'm just having a bad day I guess.
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I'm not sure how old you are Shroomy, but you mentioned school so I'm going to guess in your 20's. Someone else mentioned reality sucks... in your 20's it is definitely scary. You are figuring out how to be an adult and life didn't come with instructions! When you are young you don't have a care, it sounds like you had good times.

there was this really good podcast I listened to called Beautiful Anonamous (however you spell it!). I know it sounds girly & emo but the many of the callers encapsulated the way that I felt when I was their age (your age). Might want to listen, might find comfort! There are LOTS of people who feel like you it's just nobody talks about it. Not everyone got into an accident like you, but, lots of people with struggles.

Hang in there things can get better for you but I am afraid to tell you that using probably won't be the road to get you here. It's all fun when you don't have a care in the world but then recreational use becomes self-medicating.

I hope you have a better day today
 
Slow_mobius your screenname finally makes sense to me now. I just started watching Rick and Morty lol. My entire life Back to the Future has always been my fav movie.. that being said, Rick and Morty is the greatest show EVER! Been binge watching the shit out of it!=D
 
Nod Alot said:
Slow_mobius your screenname finally makes sense to me now. I just started watching Rick and Morty lol. My entire life Back to the Future has always been my fav movie.. that being said, Rick and Morty is the greatest show EVER! Been binge watching the shit out of it!=D
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Rick and Morty is one of my go to shows for a nice laugh
I had a really good job interview today at Trade Home shoes- so with any luck I'll be Al Bundy in no time. How's it going shroomi?
 
Nod Alot said:
Slow_mobius your screenname finally makes sense to me now. I just started watching Rick and Morty lol. My entire life Back to the Future has always been my fav movie.. that being said, Rick and Morty is the greatest show EVER! Been binge watching the shit out of it!=D
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I can hit you with my clock beam bro ;)

I love the show. They combine satire, raunchy humor, action, drama, witty humor, nerdy humor... and most episodes usually have some deep philosophical theme that I don't pick up on until my second time watching. There's so much going on all the time, and every time I watch it I pick up on something new. It's also great sober or while on any number of substances. I like to watch it baked the first time and sober for the second round :)
 
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