Am sorry to read above antisnoos and wish I could offer more than an emoticon but can't right now cos am all full of antisnoo woes too which makes me a bit of a selfish prick. But, FWIW, the emoting is still here 'neath the icon
My current antisnoo is the same one I've had for some time now. Only more so. As I've mentioned recently, Occasional Mrs Shambles is not long for this Earth. She got over the septicaemia (cos she iz well 'ard) but she's not gonna get over the massive liver cancer flare-up. I already knew this and has been slowly sinking in for quite some time now. Far too slowly though. Have also said a number of times that I needed to be spending more time with her. I wish I could say I tried but I know I didn't try half as much as I should've done. De Nile not just a river and all that...
Just couldn't quite accept or believe the end really was coming and really is gonna be final. It is though. And it really does seem I left it too late cos her ex-husband moved in again when she got out of hospital and is gonna be looking after her till the end. Is good really cos she needs proper care cos she really is in a very bad way. At least I hear she's in a very bad way. I really don't know cos her ex is a very jealous and controlling ex and nobody gets to contact her other than through him now and I ain't invited.
I know she doesn't want anybody to see her the way she is now. She wants people to remember her how she was before it got this bad. I can even understand and respect that. In a (horribly selfish) way I'm grateful cos the last time I actually saw her she was still doing great and looking great and feeling as close to great as she possibly could be. Is a horrible thing to say but I'm almost glad she doesn't want me (or anybody else for that matter) to see her now she's just a shell. I'm clearly not handling this well as it is and I just can't bear to think of her in so much pain
However, all this time I've dithered and buried my head in the sand has kinda come back to haunt me cos now it's looking like I'm not gonna get the chance to say goodbye. Can't go visit her cos I've been told that she's not receiving visitors of any description. Don't know if that's entirely her decision or it's her ex making decisions on her behalf. He really is the controlling type. He even kicked out one of their own children until "after" cos he doesn't want him around at the moment cos they don't get on.
I'd literally just gotten her new phone number this week too but just don't know what to do now. Was gonna call and either try to arrange a time when she felt up to receiving visitors or at the very least try to say my goodbyes to her over the phone if face to face is not an option. Any phone calls will have to go through him now though so that ain't looking too likely. Thought about writing to her but is also gonna have to go through him. Even if he decides she's "allowed" to see it he's probably gonna have to read it to her. Just don't know what to say. Don't even know how to start. Has been driving me nuts trying to find the words to say in person but through her ex who is hardly fond of me at the best of times? Fuck knows.
I have to say something. Can't let her go without saying a word. Have already left it almost too late. Fuck this is hard. And I've been a prick. Think I'm gonna have to try to find the words to write to her and just hope she gets to see it. Try to call too. The whole having to go through an intermediary now thing is not making this any easier. At all. Just can't seem to bring myself to be able to pick up the phone or put pen to paper. Am pathetic. Pain is quite literally crippling... but is no excuse. Have to find the words and have to at least try. Will never forgive myself otherwise
Sorry for splurge. Just venting a bit is all. And hopefully by saying something publicly it'll help force myself to take some kinda action cos am a bit of a rabbit in the headlights of late
