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  • EADD Moderators: Pissed_and_messed | Shinji Ikari

The Sad Thread (Anti-Snoo)

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Shambles said:
Well if that was the meaning that was also not exactly helpful or appropriate :\

Opiates don't "fuxxed your brain chemistry for life".
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Oh lordy, errr, didn't I say that I was bad at this? That was 100% sarcasm of course :D See sarcasmy smileys directly afterwards. I had no idea what the french guy meant.
 
Hehe. I just tend to get a bit irked and over-protective when it comes to people giving folk grief over addictions and stuff (meaning the French guy not Lurch). I just remember how much it used to piss me off (not to mention making me even more determined to self-destruct) when people made such judgemental comments to me at such times is all. When feeling really low I tended to have zero sense of humour about stuff like that. But will wind me self-righteous neck in now ;)
 
When feeling really low I tended to have zero sense of humour
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Well there's a good one. I'm not feeling too hot right now, having a hard time figuring out my perspective. A (properly felt) sense of humor would help me now. As a young child I have been diagnosed with a disorder in the autism spectrum but basically tried to get on with life as much as possible. I managed to do so, in a way, but I am now--following a huge depression that bordered on psychosis at times--in the last weeks, realizing more and more just how mentally handicapped I have been and how painfully obvious that was for everyone around me except myself. It's a mix of elation and shame, and more. Reading about people with similar handicaps is comforting and also frightening.
 
Ya. Sense of humour is all that gets me through the day sometimes. Is truly horrid when even that lil safety valve is on the blink :\

I have no idea what it must be like to live with an autistic-type condition but if that means difficulty in feeling humour that really must be properly shithouse :(<3
 
Living with it is something I have learned by constantly adapting, and trying to milk the positive aspects (not that I'm some kind of Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man or anything). It's the realization that I'm stuck with it and that it will fuck me up later in life many more times, that realization is too sudden and too big of a thought. I'm young (24) and have finished uni (high grades, but had such a horrible time), however, I'm finding out that I'm kind of unemployable in those places where I want to be using my skills. Or basically anywhere else. Asking myself why is that, pondering earlier events, finally connecting dots, what are you doing wrong or lacking, maybe it's related to the same reason why you never had a meaningful romantic relationship in your whole life (despite looking studly and having great taste :D), maybe it's the same reason why your mother took you to all those tests back when you were wee, that's why you don't enjoy being around people and can't connect with them in a meaningful way, etc, etc. See how that spirals? I think I'll skip those mushies for now ;)
 
I'm prone to dissociative use in these moods, though. It used to bring me some insight but I'm pretty sure that it's not doing that anymore for a while now :D I actually have a cute little 0,5gr ketamine baglet in my wallet, but I'm still waiting on the lab results for this ket and there have been warnings of PMMA-tainted ket lately so I'm not taking chances. I am kinda glad that I'm not such a ketfiend anymore to immediately want to cane that half gram in a single line anyway (damn the torpedoes and the lab test).

Also prone to drinking in these moods, last summer I was doing at least a bottle of jenever or vodka daily, often supplemented by other GABA goodies. But stopped doing that. My mind still goes there all the time though. Conjuring up thoughts like "I hope I'll soon be told that I have a terminal illness and will die soon, so that I can go back to drink" or worse :sus:
 
Hehe. Can kinda related to that last part actually. Although not so much for drinking... but that'd be included too along with everything else. Booze is probably the worst possible drug in such situations though - it really does make depression a lot worse. Kinda odd how it's so appealing when feeling low really.

Also, PMMA in ketamine?!? Words fail me as to quite how fukkin wrong that is :|

I find dissociatives to be excellent for lifting the spirits, myself. MXE especially. Is hard to keep a lid on the excess though cos they're so damn nice :!
 
tis true.. PMMA and/or PMA really was recently found in powders sold as ketamine and as MDMA in the Amsterdam area... a warning was issued late april. I don't know how common these findings are/were, and how much PMMA/PMA was found in those powders, but even if it was a single incident it's still a giant sadness :(

Yah, for me dissociatives do have a very noticable "antidepressant" (mood enhancing) after-effect, even after long periods of abuse and a high tolerance still. But I've come to dislike that after-effect. It is a recognizable effect, it is quite unnaturally euphoric, it feels manic, I start to overestimate myself and my situation, and when I was truly on the ket/mxe-train it (the after-effect) has skewed my reality in many other subtle ways that I didn't even notice at the time.
I also tend to have a hard time in the weeks after these after-effects wear off, where I feel darkly dissociated/out-of-it and unable to get pleasure from anything at all, real empty like, which leads to me seeking out more ket (and its after-effects) and starting the cycle anew. Dissociatives are too mysterious for this psychopharma-noob, they work in such strange ways and influence myriad processes, I should really stay well clear from any kind of regular/chronic dissociative use.

Pregabalin is a miracle antidepressant for me, at the moment. Truly a miracle drug for me. Doesn't fuk with NMDA or dopamine. Not a serotonin bomb like a clumsy SSRI either. Pregabalin basically feels like GHB-lite, but longer acting, and without the teeth. Sustainable too... so far.
 
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Had a wee go on pregabalin just recently and did shit all for me. I only had a smallish amount though so maybe just didn't find my dosage. My drug counsellor has suggested it recently as I'm (theoretically) tapering my codeine/benzos script at the moment despite none of the underlying issues being resolved (and they won't/can't be anyway) and she thinks it would be the ideal "replacement". I did take ketamine whilst on the pregas though and was quite the experience. The phenibut probably added to it's extremity, mind. Either way I was mostly incapable of anything other than bouncing my head off stuff and rolling around the floor in delirious ecstasies. Used alone, pregas just made me a bit wobbly and unsteady on my feet with no noticeable effect on pain relief, mood or anxiety. I did seem to get quite surprisingly unpleasant w/d effects after even just a week of mild-moderate use though so am kinda wary of 'em. Glad they are working for you though :)
 
Shambles said:
Being snarky about peoples' choices only adds to bad feelings and Pagey is obviously not feeling so great at the moment so really not helpful at all.
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Addiction is a civil war inside the addict's mind.
In this conflict, on part want to continue using drug, one want to stop.
Lets see what is supporting each part.

Part in the side of the drug :
- troubles : my life is chit, i nead something to numb my pain
- craving : the drug wisper "come on, take me, i know that you want it" all the time
- witdraw / anxiety : the body shout "stop my pain"
- the drug effect : see, the world i put you in is so wonderfull, why going out ?
- fellow drugys : continue to have fun/party with us, your drugy comunity freinds
- fellow internet supporters : its OK if you do it again, you'll try to get ride of the drug later, when you will be stronger ( sure the drug will help this to append )

Part to fight the drug :
- this little voice inside that say : "Drug is not good for me, and my main goal in life is to take care of myself, i should stop"

Yes thats not a fair fight.

So when i read a post that say : "Ok, i give up, after all drug is better than my life", all i read is that this little voice is molested.
My answer is not to support the molester, but to say to this little voice : "its you that are right, the drug is not OK, and you know it, everybody knows it cause its the thruth, so dont try to pretend otherwise".

Ok, it not feals good to ear such a thing, but you have to not feal good to change your life.
Supporting is to help the fight to occure with as little sufering as possible, its not alowing the fight to stop.

And yes i speak horrible english, yes i dont know you, yes its not my business, yes i have nothing to earn to be disagreeable with this Blulight community i love.
But i also have a little voice in me that say i cant watch an be quiet when i see some very valuable person wanting to hurt herself.
And the little voice is always the one you should ear.
 
Well, I kindasorta agree with most of that (aside from a few specifics which may or may not have been lost in translation) so will avoid getting into a mass debate about it. I do think that is a bit of a generalisation though and so happens I know a few of the specifics in this particular case so will have to politely disagree with your general summation on this occasion. Generalisations are all well and good but specific situations rarely fit so neatly in those boxes.

Your English is just fine so don't worry about that. As it happens, Pagey is actually French so feel free to converse with her in your native tongue should she happen to pass by.

That aside, I do think there has been some misunderstandings - and is really not anybody else's bizniz anyway - but I do think your heart is in the right place <3
 
^^with relapse its often the little voice that holds the most power. It seems to make more sense than anything else going on around you, you give in, you use, the cycle starts again and then the little voice is saying enough is enough, you stop, you get stronger.

You are also missing one very important point on the side of the drug

It's fun, we enjoy doing it, it makes me feel good, it feels part of who I am - your life does not need to be shit for you to be an addict!
 
Being told, and I quote....

'It's not my fault your life is a car crash that just bowls from one disaster to another.....' then after more waffle 'You should be ashamed that at 30-whatever years old you are unable to conduct your life in the way that other normal people do.'

I already think this of myself, I don't need it to be confirmed. I feel very very very lost at the moment, my mental health is sliding, I've got a Kidney infection (again, I get them frequently) that's floored me. I don't see any friends other than my Boyfriend, I live in a hostel with idiots, I miss my father immensely. I'm not looking for sympathy, I'm just letting it all out, rather than swishing it around my head.

I'm not proud of myself for being the age I am and my life still being this way, but I do not need to be told by once bluelight user exactly how she thinks things are.
 
cherrycolouredfunk said:
Being told, and I quote....

'It's not my fault your life is a car crash that just bowls from one disaster to another.....' then after more waffle 'You should be ashamed that at 30-whatever years old you are unable to conduct your life in the way that other normal people do.'

I already think this of myself, I don't need it to be confirmed. I feel very very very lost at the moment, my mental health is sliding, I've got a Kidney infection (again, I get them frequently) that's floored me. I don't see any friends other than my Boyfriend, I live in a hostel with idiots, I miss my father immensely. I'm not looking for sympathy, I'm just letting it all out, rather than swishing it around my head.

I'm not proud of myself for being the age I am and my life still being this way, but I do not need to be told by once bluelight user exactly how she thinks things are.
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Wow that's harsh .

Not much i can add apart from i'm also a 30 something lacking in direction most of the time .

I do however get flashes of real life & if i can pull my self away from shit then you most Def. have a very good Chance .
Big Hugs .
 
Well I think I have reached some kind of crossroads in my life.
With my contract done and not many prospects of work in the financial sector unless i moved back to the far east I am at an impasse
Love London and living here . But a lot of my friends have now moved away . The far east is awsome but not sure if its a great place to raise a family. and way too many drug temptations , many moreso than here and I really dont want to go down that road again ( at least not too deeply)

I guess I am just sad that after many years of blagging, I think I may finally have to actually grow up and become responsible
the prospect of this terrifies me
But as REM once sang " Lifes rich pageant" innit

Woul love to get a business up and running and off the ground, but the red tape is incredicle, even so i think im gonna give it a shot.
 
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