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  • EADD Moderators: Pissed_and_messed | Shinji Ikari

The Sad Thread (Anti-Snoo) 2 - Tory Britain in Flames

@fubar. I know where your coming from mate, I know people that managed a heroin habbit for 20 + years and just a about kept there head above water.
As soon as they got on the pipe shit fell apart within 6 months and they lost everything , untill you see it for yourself you won't understand what a destructive drug crack is.
Shambles sums it up spot on, especially ROCK EYE SYNDROME , the art of searching for dropped crrack , that just ain't there.
 
I rarely drop any substantial amount of drugs but I remember contemplating how clean the floor was likely to be when I spilled a few lines worth of coke in a club toilet. Fortunately it wasn't brilliant stuff and I wasn't drunk enough to floor sniff for mediocre coke. If it had been what I'd been getting recently it may have been another story.
 
I can understand the insame behaviour of looking for drugs even though you know you've got none. I would tear my bedroom (only place I stored them) up
Looking for one zapain or 60mg, n* anything even though I knew I only none cause they'd already been found n consumed. Insanity at its best lol.

Evey
 
Eveleivibe said:
I can understand the insame behaviour of looking for drugs even though you know you've got none. I would tear my bedroom (only place I stored them) up
Looking for one zapain or 60mg, n* anything even though I knew I only none cause they'd already been found n consumed. Insanity at its best lol.

Evey
Click to expand...

Such is the nature of addiction :|
 
Nah, that never happens in my dreams... I always find that I'm trying to score and something thwarts me at the last minute, or if I do actually manage to score then I either can't find any foil, or I lose the bag etc. NEVER can I find drug satisfaction in dreams...
 
Y'know I don't recall ever once dreaming about drugs. Had lots of deeply freaky dreams after having consumed certain drugs (GBL being the one that's head and shoulders over anything I know of in that respect) but never dreams that actually involve drugs. Not even a little bit.
 
Hmm... you may well have a point. I must admit I know I haven't gone six days with no drugs whatsoever involved in... over 20 years. That's a bit bad really thinking about it. Although in my defence I'm including prescribed drugs (benzos and opies anyway - not antibiotics and antacids) and booze in there too. Actually no, it's not bad as such - bits of it (quite big bits sometimes) have been bad but I'm actually surprisingly moderate these days (comparatively anyway). Guess I'll be finding out sometime over the coming months (or more likely a year or so) cos am looking into rehab options. Not even really addicted to anything in particular at the moment but I do believe a change of scene and the break I never did have would be a good move. Literally a good move cos it also looks like I'll get to move elsewhere at the same time which really would do me good... after taking that break to consider my options anyway. And perhaps to finally dream of drugs like everybody else here seems to do quite a bit of.

Wonder if my subconscious conspired and contrived it so I'd mention it in the Anti-Snoo thread? Probably knowing my subconscious. It's not anti-snoo though - just traditional EADD off-topic ramblings.
 
I had an extremely vivid dream about injecting cocaine last week, hence why it's been back in my mind the last few days I guess. I don't dream about drugs that often but I have very realistic dreams almost all the time. Makes me wonder sometimes but at the risk of sounding like a nutter I'll keep my specific wondering to myself ;)

Can relate to too frequent drug use sham, I rarely go more than a week without using 'proper' drugs and haven't had more than a few days off drinking for almost longer than I can remember. Which realistically is only since I turned 18 probably but feels like ages. Not that I drink a lot at once unless I'm going out but it's still not healthy.

As a bit of an anti snoo I've been feeling quite down today, sick and getting awful coke cravings but already been kind of realising that my life is pretty shit without drugs and I'm probably going to end up with a bad problem in the not too distant future. Thing is i don't have any reason to stop because I don't have anyone that really cares.

/emo mode off, ah that's better.
 
SummerSerenade said:
I had an extremely vivid dream about injecting cocaine last week, hence why it's been back in my mind the last few days I guess. I don't dream about drugs that often but I have very realistic dreams almost all the time. Makes me wonder sometimes but at the risk of sounding like a nutter I'll keep my specific wondering to myself ;)

Can relate to too frequent drug use sham, I rarely go more than a week without using 'proper' drugs and haven't had more than a few days off drinking for almost longer than I can remember. Which realistically is only since I turned 18 probably but feels like ages. Not that I drink a lot at once unless I'm going out but it's still not healthy.

As a bit of an anti snoo I've been feeling quite down today, sick and getting awful coke cravings but already been kind of realising that my life is pretty shit without drugs and I'm probably going to end up with a bad problem in the not too distant future. Thing is i don't have any reason to stop because I don't have anyone that really cares.

/emo mode off, ah that's better.
Click to expand...

Not trying to preach, honey, but that sounds like addiction talking. I felt that way when I was on codeine. I actually felt like I was never happy without it, that I COULD ONLY BE happy if I took it, and started to feel like a bereavement the idea of never taking it again.

I'm not saying that, that is going to you - just be careful that's all when you have those types of thoughts. <3

Evey
 
At the risk of sounding like one of my drug counsellors or summat... are you really sure that the feeling you have that your life is shit without drugs is not actually your life becoming a bit shit because drugs are becoming a fairly large chunk of it fairly quickly? I'm not implying you don't have your various problems and issues same as anybody but... I'm gonna hate myself for saying this cos it's a sure sign of becoming middle-aged but... you are 19. It's entirely normal to feel that life is shit and nobody cares when you're 19. Doesn't everybody? That's why goths were invented.

My life was okay at 19 looking back. I had my own place (albeit a bedsit) and I was at college doing a course (several actually) that I enjoyed and I had friends and a social life (not an amazing one but I had one). I even had a part-time job that I quite enjoyed and a girlfriend I was rather fond of. Very fond of except for the bit about her having just started uni in Manchester which was far away from me. I took a variety of drugs - mostly weed and psychedelics (and speed - lots of speed) but also a bit of heroin and the occasional rock. Not even close to being a problem though. I was also clinically depressed, self-harmed quite severely on a regular basis and frequently thought of suicide - cos I was clinically depressed but I didn't know that cos plenty 19yo are kinda moody. It wasn't great but if I knew now what I knew then it was just fine and would have gotten a lot better I suspect.

Two weeks after the point I'm recalling up there I was homeless, jobless, penniless - not even benefits - which is why I was suddenly homeless and also why I never did finish that course cos I couldn't pay for the materials any more and I was sleeping on a park bench in the pissing rain and cold. Actually I wasn't sleeping much at all cos it was horrid and it was scary losing everything familiar to me in a matter of days. And it's harder than you think sleeping under bushes and on benches and the like. So I smoked a bit more heroin than I used to. Only a bag a night to keep the chill off and numb the shock of it all a bit.

The 20-odd years between then and now have been incredibly eventful and incredibly dull and incredibly hard work. Things can seem properly shitty sometimes. Every now and then they really do become properly shitty though and nobody who ends up being hit by several shitty sticks in succession is likely to see it coming. Wouldn't be shitty enough if it wasn't also a big surprise would it? In the few mid-teen years before that eventful fortnight I dreamt of becoming a junky. Like William Burroughs and all those other kewl writers, artists and musicians who I was so fond of. It seemed ideal for me. Being clinically depressed and not overly aware of some of the harshness of life (was well aware of some of the different harshnesses of life of course which is probably why I was clinically depressed) what could be better than "the warm vegetable serenity of junk"? That's just what I needed. Until I really did need it (or felt I did at the time - with some justification I'd suggest) and then I discovered all those bits that you never think about and almost nobody ever talks about (or not to me they didn't anyway) for myself.

Hindsight is a mixed blessing. The fact that teenagers are hardwired to know for fact that auld folk just don't know what it's like to be young and certainly don't understand how it feels to feel a bit adrift and a bit alone and a bit unloved and much misunderstood is presumably somebody's idea of a joke.

My history is my own. I'd be a lot happier about it if it were occasionally of some possible use to anybody else. I wouldn't change my past cos it made me but if I absolutely had to I might just go back and tell me that however bad it feels sometimes there's almost always a way of improving it and that way is not always to block things or escape things. Sometimes that's good but not all the time and there are alternatives. I was diagnosed with depression a few months later and put on Seroxat. It might have helped... if I wasn't already very much addicted to heroin and getting very fond of the needles which delivered it that bit quicker. If you'd told me at the time that actually there were a fair few people who cared I wouldn't believe it for a moment. They couldn't cos I didn't so I was blind to it even when it was right under my nose. What I'd try to impress most deeply on myself is that there is no rush. I really, really did want to die of 'misadventure' before I got to 21. At least I thought I did until I was 21 then decided 25 was a good number and was also the millenium so that'd do. Creeps up all sneaky does getting older. And it keeps moving the goalposts.

We have a whole lifetime in which we can decide to take decisions which reverberate down the decades - or to just end it all in the next moment if really keen - so there's never really any great need to rush into decisions like that. They can be put on the backburner and mulled over for a while. The option is always open. The way back tends to be trickier. It all gets so very complicated when life becomes so simple your only need is to keep feeding those monkeys which have taken up residence on your back. They can sneak up on anybody who paddles in certain pools but there's really no need to invite them along for the ride when you don't need to.

Foresight trumps hindsight every time I suspect.
 
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SummerSerenade said:
Thing is i don't have any reason to stop because I don't have anyone that really cares.
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You do have a reason to stop. If you didn't have a reason to stop (or at least not descend into full blown addiction) then you wouldn't even talk about it. Sounds to me like you've got at least one person willing to put a roof over your head, yet they don't really care? I think they probably do.

Get yourself two or three tabs of acid and a park/field. A bag of mushrooms and a bedroom. A swedger and a techno club. You'll realise that cocaine isn't even that good. It's good to do sometimes but doing it daily is boring as fuck.
 
Shambles you've hard a difficult life. I didn't know you'd gone through all that. I can't relate to a lot of it; I've never been homeless or anything like that. But I can relate to depression and being moody. I've spent years feeling a nitpicky anger that just consumes me. Here if you ever need to talk about anything and I truly mean that.

Evey
 
Ah that's ok Evey, I'm already well aware of where I'm heading. Problem is I don't care enough to stop :\ I was already hurtling into full blown coke addiction at the beginning of the year, was probably worse than I am at the moment but I managed to pull back somehow and didn't touch it for months. I guess you can only delay the inevitable for so long though if you're that way inclined to begin with. In my mind, I've already lost the one person who could have stopped this - because he couldn't deal with the drugs and I couldn't explain why I needed them so FUCK I don't blame him at all but no one else cares enough to try so I wouldn't even ask now.

The thing is, it's not just me thinking that my life is shit without drugs - it actually pretty much is and was before I started taking anything at all so I don't know if drugs are the whole problem. I've just had a lot of bad luck and needed something to cope with it all which in turn has turned into a whole other issue. I get what you're saying about me being only 19 and having my whole life ahead of me and all that but like I said, I've had an unusual amount of bad luck in life and in the end it's just become too much you know? I know from the outside and what I post on here it probably looks like I'm not doing too badly - I've got money, I go to a top uni and did well in my first year with fuck all effort, I'm superficially popular (when I can be bothered) and have a few nice places to live etc. But it's all fake, over the years I have become a master at acting the arrogant 'don't give a fuck' party girl who has no worries but I don't ever let people close to me so I end up with no one I can really talk to and no one who understands how bad it really gets. In fact, there's only one person in the whole world who knows even some of the worst I've been through recently and they're not going to be able to make it go away because no one could, it just never does.

I can relate to a what of what you're saying tbh Shambles, I used to self harm too and did a few months ago for the first time in years because of drugs (shock) but I've never actually felt suicidal, more like just apathetic about life really which is why I can be less than careful with drugs sometimes. I never used to think I'd reach 20 and if I'm honest sometimes I'm still not sure. The last few months have felt almost surreal so what will the next 3 be like? I can't see where my life is going at all which is kind of scary. I know I could quite easily end up going the way you did but with coke rather than heroin - I mean, I'm already dreaming about using needles for fucks sake so maybe I am already going that way and I can't see things as clearly as I think I can. I'm trying to be sensible and usually am but sometimes the temptation to do more or go further is almost overwhelming. I know something's going to break in the end and push me one way or another. I just don't know when.
 
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