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  • EADD Moderators: Pissed_and_messed | Shinji Ikari

The Sad Thread (Anti-Snoo) 2 - Tory Britain in Flames

Good quality heroin helps . I would be really in a state without it tbh . Seeing as i don't have alcohol as a emotional crutch like most others folk .

Tis my choice & i feel quite liberated by the fact that i no longer need that poison in states of grief . Nice Heroin is a much less toxic choice & when smoked probably safer as well .

I have a huge cluck on the horizon but day by day atm n the day i start worrying about things like that i might as well give up n i'm not much of a quitter in such circumstances ;)
 
In such situations I tend to be of the "Whatever gets you through the night" opinion. Once the worst of the acute phase of grief fades you have time and opportunity to think about other stuff, but for right now I'm sure you have enough to be thinking (or indeed not thinking as the case may be) about. And I totally agree on alcohol being probably the worst "crutch" imaginable for grief. It's depressing enough when there's nothing particularly wrong let alone when there really is :\
 
I sent my sister an email this afternoon at her work, in hindsight the email will possibly hit her quite hard emotionally, not because it was nasty, quite the opposite. I dont really want to think of her being upset at work, but things needed saying by me and they have been said now.
 
eh, apologies for the personal indulgence bu, need to get this out somehow/where

Hrmn, I hate writing this shit down, but it's got to come out some way or another for cathartic reasons, and it may as well be here, since I don't do FB or any other forums anymore, and actually talking/speaking about it audibly to people really sucks, and I avoid it like the plague.

NSFW:
Meh, been dreading tomorrow. Would've been mum's 70th birthday, so we'll be at the cemetery to lay flowers n whatnot. I've been tense all week about it, after having to block out a lot of thoughts of missing her, just to be able to function properly on a daily basis; as has my Sis, which has led to some miniscule (but comparatively huge) fall outs this week, purely due to the Ma thing constantly running in the back of both our minds and making us hyper-sensitive to any minor thing that goes wrong. And my Dad (who's post stoke) has clearly been feeling anxious as fuck for ages, 24/7 for no apparent reason, but I guess it's possibly to do with tomorrow coming up.

My mum was the only one in our family that really liked birthdays and anniversaries. She'd pretend she didn't, and that she wanted no fuss, but she loved them and all the fuss and attention. The 24th of December just gone would have been her and Dad's 50th wedding anniversary too, so she missed her two big ones, which makes me so fucking sad.

She was a royalist and a huge Queenie fan. And we took her to see Buckingham Place the year before last, where she got a bit of special treatment (since Sis is disabled) and we got golf carted in thru the front gates (the tourist entrance is via the side). It's a nice memory to have and in the pics from that time she looks insanely happy and worry-free for a change.

For her 65th, Nerdboy made this very dodgy quality photoplop of her as the Queen, so she had her own Royal postage stamp, which I printed off and framed, and it hung above her chair. She was well chuffed with it, and loved it loads. Despite the shitty photoshopping, her face morphed with Queenie's quite well. The ER (Elizabeth Reigns) & Queenie thing was relevant because as well as being a royalist, her name was also Elizabeth (tho she was always called Babs from when she was a wee 'un, because she was the youngest). It's my middle name too, but fuck being named after a royal, they're a bunch of cunts (sorry Ma <3).

Eh, apologies for being morbid ... I didn't ( & don't) talk about this stuff much on the board either now, or after she died, cos it's not easy to do when you've got to carry on doing day to day stuff while thinking about missing her tons at the same time. It's just easier to block it all out. But I miss her like crazy.

She's the only one of us that really didn't deserve to die early. She should've been the last one to go based on how she took care of everyone.

oNloPTt.jpg
 
<3 to you Marmz. Was going to come and have a moan but a bit of perspective has been cast. Hold on to and share your happiest memories always.
 
Marmz <3 Mrs A lost her mum to cancer a few years back and her grief continues, Birthdays and Christmas have been difficult times.

I've lost my father to dementia and continue to do so over and over, it's a cruel disease.

I don't believe the pain ever goes away but the world keeps spinning and they would want us to carry on, more so with parents. Callous as it may sound it's right that they pass before their progeny, but it doesn't make it any easier.

best wishes
 
Yeah, it's something I really dread and think about a lot. They're slowly getting on and I want to make them proud while I still can and show them all they've invested in me wasn't for nothing and that I'll be ok.
 
Cheers guys. I'm not being rude by not replying properly, I'm just avoiding the thread until after I've been, so I don't set myself off with the waterworks again. Going for a family meal after the visit, so I'll comment when I'm back after that.
 
Don't blame you. Family meals after stuff like that are often kinda cathartic in a weird way. At least in my family they are, after bereavements. I know it's not the same but when my Grandma passed away, she was like a second parent to me, I adored her and never got to tell her a lot of stuff I wanted or promised to do and the entire funeral and cremation and everything was horrible, as was her following birthday. The meal out after was a chance to share memories and make oddly morbid jokes (that's just how we are. other people think it's weird but she'd have appreciated it) but the most important thing is spending time with them, I think.
 
Allein said:
Marmz <3 Mrs A lost her mum to cancer a few years back and her grief continues, Birthdays and Christmas have been difficult times.

I've lost my father to dementia and continue to do so over and over, it's a cruel disease.
Click to expand...

It is indeed. I'd refrained from posting this because it's highly personal, but here goes:

Three weeks ago I found out that my father, whom I haven't seen in nearly six years (and had assumed was dead) is still alive.

The last time I saw him (as you're aware) he was in the early stages of dementia, caused (or exacerbated) by his alcoholism. It had reached the stage where he would sometimes mistake me for his brother, regress into childhood and very occasionally physically attack me. I tried to maintain a relationship, but he stopped returning calls, answering the door or answering letters. Which he would occasionally do anyway, before the deterioration. He was a 'difficult' guy. Maybe that's where I get it from. Maybe.

I assumed he'd get back in contact but it never happened, and with the redevelopment of the area in which he lives, he was rehoused. So I had nowhere to look for him.

Eventually, through my sister's hard work, his carer got in touch. He's living in sheltered housing and seems to be in a bad way. The carer can't say exactly how bad, but six years ago he was becoming unrecognisable outside of his moments of lucidity, so I dread to think.

I have an address for him and I intend to write a letter, as my sister has done already. Only I'm terrified.

This man was absent from my life for long periods, both in childhood and adulthood, yet he's my only living parent and the one I feel the least ambiguous towards, despite all his faults. The fucker threw me out of his house on Christmas Day once. Yet I love him.

I love him, and I miss the man I used to sit and sing drunken rebel songs with while he told me stories about the middle east. I know that this man is still 'here', but I don't know if he's actually still here.

I hate the fact I'm too cowardly to even begin a letter, but where do you start? Will he even want me back in his life?

Death I could have dealt with, but this is going to be a tough one. :|
 
Why not just go and see him?

If he's got late stages of dementia he might not even be able to understand what's being read and it's significance.

I think it's more likely something will click if you see him face to face. FUCKING hard to do on your part, but if you do get to see him your reaction will possibly be crippling inside, but I'd imagine you'd want to spend as much time as you've got with him. Time that might feel crucifying when you're there, and plague you after, but will likely be immeasurably rewarding in other ways.

Even if he doesn't recognise you, and that's hard to deal with, but spending time with him would be ultimately rewarding for you imo.
 
I understand. It would be crippling, but concentrate on the absolute relief of what such an act would feel like after it happened. Even if it led to disappointment or whatever.

Tell your shrink, double up on your lithium, or get her to give you something extra that would work with it for the day.

Genuinely, (snarkyness and beef temporarily aside) I would escort you there myself if I were in Manc and not overburdened already.

You need an escort. I don't know the deal with your sister, things may be worse for her in this situation, due to family history or whatnot, but if going together is an option that could be pushed, I'd really consider it.

Eh, I'm outta this thread for now, it's doing what I was trying to avoid earlier.


Good luck with it anyway. Genuinely.
 
@ Sammy G - that sounds like a rough situation and you need to protect yourself first and foremost (not just physically). Can you not arrange with his carer to go a few times with him/her ? See if there is any glimmer of recognition - do what you can to make his life a little more comfortable (even if he hasn't a clue who you are and thinks your a carer or helper etc). This 'could' bring you a little bit of closure on the situation without exposing yourself to too much harm.

A letter could just add to his confusion - if he gets it during one of his lucid times it could really cause a lot of grief knowing he might not be able to respond and or remember the things you were discussing etc.
 
His carer was the one who suggested a letter, as it's through her responding to my sister that it all kicked off. She tried to get him to speak to my sister on the phone and he wouldn't speak directly as he was on the verge of tears, but he said hello from the background. He also talked about me quite a bit with his carer, as he'd just found out about my diagnosis through my sister's letter. Still regards me as 'a real clever lad', apparently. Fuck knows why. :)

Essentially, he's a bit reluctant, but his carer has told him he has to see us, so I'm a bit stumped as to the next step. Obviously it will involve a visit at some stage, and my little sister is definitely coming along, but until we get some kind of further response from his side it's difficult to know what to do and when to visit. I'd feel uncomfortable just turning up, but I think he's terrified himself. There's a lot of guilt and 'complication' in our relationships anyhow. I know that's the case in many families, but this one is especially dysfunctional.

This will be the third or fourth time we've been reunited and it's always been difficult as he's such a macho guy that he can't even open bithday present in the same room as somebody lest he show some emotion. I'm not even lying.

You're right though - even if he's a drooling mess, then it'll bring some degree of closure. I hope.
 
@ sammy G. Your Dad's lucky to have a carer like that.
The quality of care that the elderly / elderly mentally ill is usually shockingly bad, or at the very least half assed. Of all the care sectors the wages are the worst so you very rarely meet anyone with any passion for the job.

Many times I have seen relatives visit clients and the clients show no signs of recognition.
However once their family have left they might ask "did you see my daughter?"
A little moment of lucidity before they slip back into their fuzzy state.

One some level, even if its buried deep, I believe that people with dementia appreciate visits.

If your Dad was a bit of an arse that complicates things quite a bit...so I won't comment on that...

But just giving you perspective from someone who worked in that trade, its worth visiting, even if you get no recognition, just to get a feel for the place.
9 out of ten old people living in care never see their family...they can't all be bastards or childless. Our culture is all wrong when it comes to this.

tl;dr - don't get old people, its sucky. But if you do know somebody who is old bring em a TV guide and come chocolates now n then

edit - maybe not 9 out of ten...maybe closer to 6 or 7. But still the majority are left to rot
 
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