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  • EADD Moderators: Pissed_and_messed | Shinji Ikari

The Sad Thread (Anti-Snoo) 2 - Tory Britain in Flames

I'm, well, not feeling the best tonight. Three things have come together to make me a weepy, maudlin wreck.

I've put up with my ugly face for a long time. In early high school, a group of girls started to use my name as a byword for "ugly". "You're so Kota without your makeup, x!" As I grew up, in primary school, I learnt that everything my mother had told me about my appearance was wrong. I didn't have "golden hair" - it was dull brown. I didn't have "green eyes" - they were murky blue. I didn't have the longest hair in the school. I wasn't the first to wear a bra. I wasn't the brightest or the prettiest or the best behaved. I was an idiot savant, ugly, and hostile. If my mother had never told me that I was so bright and pretty, I never would have been disappointed.
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Just before I entered high school, in the summer of 2008 or 2009, my aunt was blow-drying my hair. She told me that I'd never be pretty, but I could be "striking". I felt vindicated, as I'd learnt for seven years that I would never be pretty, and knew that "striking" meant something similar to "character actor".

In the household where I grew up, my mother washed my hair once a week. Throughout the week, my hair became greasy and stringy. It stuck out from my head at strange angles. I thought at one point that it would be a good fashion statement to pull one matted lump down the middle of my face and let it sit there, a line of symmetry. There are photographs of me like that. I never want to see them again.

My school photograph comes from a fourth-year photoshoot, the exact month before I started losing weight for the first time. It was too late. The photo shows a turgid, rubicund, hamster-like face, shining with grease, with an almost malevolent smile showing the gaps in my teeth where they hadn't yet grown through. I am immortal in the world of school records as the greasy hamster.

Last week, I was out with a friend. She took me to her friends' meeting place, outside a club. The crowd was mostly emo and scene kids. My friend gathered round her friends, and we fell to talking. I can't remember most of the conversation, other than that one boy said to my friend, in reference to me, "that one looks like a man".

The second thing that's been getting to me is my health. I don't want to say much about that, except for that it's failing me in every regard. I meet my neuro and psych at the end of the month. I desperately need a bigger benzo script, but I'm not sure how much they're willing to give to an 18-year-old. I shake, my stomach churns, the world loops, I cry, I hit the floor. So many comorbidities, so many complications. I don't want to care about my health any more. I want to walk out of my house one night and find my pleasures far away in a land where nobody objects to the odd screaming fit or seizure. I am so tired of my health being an issue among my peers. I truly do not care. I'd drop all my meds save the lorazepam in an instant given the chance. I'd even drop the loraz for a chance at a freer life. I am so tired.

Finally, school. I have a week left to complete at least nine unit tests, unknown dates; two coursework assignments, which I can only do within the relevant classes; and two coursework essays, which I submitted in the middle of the week and had returned for revisions today. I don't know how I'm going to pull this off. On the face of it it looks impossible. I can't possibly study properly for tests of unknown dates. As for the essays, I don't know how many revisions will have to be done, and I don't know if the finished product will be out on time for the exam board. In all honesty, I want to drop out and go to FE college.

Sorry for the ramble. I'm feeling sorry for myself tonight.
 
Sorry to hear you were bullied. I can relate n it does affect how you perceive the world. I've seen pictures of you n you arevpretty. I think they may have been jealous of you to say that. I've also seen others here say you're good-looking n most here are honest. They wouldn't tell you that if they fidn't think you were. I don't think that was very fair of your aunt. No matter what her perception, how is she to know who will "be petty?" People often change their looks throughout their lifetime.

No need to apologise we all feel sorry for ourselves from time to time. It's therapeutic lol.

I know its hard but don't let them win.

Evey
 
Kota, you know my thoughts on the first matter, so for various reasons I won't repeat myself.

As for your health, it breaks my heart to know how bad things get. I don't know what to say other than that. <3
 
Going to a FE college was great for me Kota. Very different atmosphere to school. All the groups from school have been broken, get to wear your own clothes, people are there because they actually want to be there. You're treated more like an adult, it was very good for me. My school career was terrible.
 
A lot of buies are sad, pathetic, worthless individual. I still get it now at the age of 35 n it makes me feel like a worthless, small, powerless idiot. Things like kids throwing stones because they think I can't see them, walking in front of me to see I won't bump into them n calling me nasty names. Nothing new. I walk away n "not take the bait" as apparently this stops them. It doesn't n NEVER stops them. And NEVER takes the nasty feelings they've ingraimed on me over the years. All the pent up anger, humiliate n feeling like embarrassed n like an uselesd idiot. Why people think they have the right to treat others like this is beyond me. But you'd think at the age of 35 it would stop, right?! Especially when I keep myself to myself n no one knows me around here.

Evey
 
s0laris said:
Going to a FE college was great for me Kota. Very different atmosphere to school. All the groups from school have been broken, get to wear your own clothes, people are there because they actually want to be there. You're treated more like an adult, it was very good for me. My school career was terrible.
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Same experience here. I really found myself at college. Shame it coincided with the onset of illness, but it was so enjoyable that I'd hang around there all day, even if I finished at noon.
 
I loved everyone I met while I was there too. Wouldn't have got to meet them otherwise. And shenanigans were had ;)
 
My two best friends are guys I met on my first day there. The kind of friends who put you up on their couch indefinitely, despite your problems.

And we're talking a good few years ago here.
 
That's ace, Sammy. Can I asked what you studied? First time I went to uni I dropped because they were cunts. Gave me no support accept paying a student fiver a week to write notes off the board. Half the time she never turned up.

So used my HNC business tech (form of computing) to do a degree with the OU. Best six years of my life.

We went to residential schools to the university of Sussex n university of Warwick. We were up 7 am until 5 pm, often doing extra studies in groups - and we linda lived the student life for a week, going to the bars etc. those unis were like villages ffs.

Evey
 
I'm talking about FE college here. Studied English Lang & Lit, History and IT, but only because my mother told me I'd be locked out of the house if I didn't. IT became my free reading period, where I'd go to the library. They had a complete City Lights Pocket Poets set, and I cherished it.

I was predicted all A grades, which did my complacency no good, nor did it help when mania reared its head and I began writing excessively long essays with incoherent sections and gibberish words. I was told to take a year out, but instead I got my B grades, except for IT, and enrolled on a silly course somewhere silly, just to get away from mother dearest, despite being a mess with bald patches from trichotillomania and scars everywhere.

Them was rotten days.
 
Things are generally better, yes. Save for a lot of regrets and wasted years through denying my illness and self-medicating. Entire blocks of time wiped out, or worse. Can't do anything about it though, so nowhere to look but forward.
 
I feel like I've been stabbed through the heart. It's like no matter how hard I try to be lovely and make an effort with people all that ever seems to happen is that I get it thrown back in my face. It must be something about me which makes everyone want to hurt me because when something means a lot I try so hard to be the best I can be but it still doesnt make a difference. Guess my best just won't ever be good enough.

When I feel down or have something on my mind there's no one I can turn to and it just gets so exhausting. So lonely. And whenever it looks like things are going to start improving and I get excited or dare to be happy, something soon comes along to crush it all again. My perfect life felt so close to coming true but maybe it will only ever be a dream.

People used to want to be me but until recently I've always wished I could be anyone else. And maybe that's starting to come back a bit now.
 
Awh. You're lovely as you are. Never try to be owt else you don't need to. If people don't like you for you then they ain't worth being in your life. I'm sure that lots of people love n care for you for you. You've Dan for starters n you have us. I know that doesn't compensate for IRL but we're always here for you. And you're more than welcome to PM me anytime if you need someone to talk to xxxx

Evey
 
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