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Mental Health The Rant Thread Vs. Really? How Does That Make You Feel?

Really annoyed with people and feeling very unappreciated.
I don't deal with many people and I'm understanding why. There's a couple people from my old clinic that I've helped with food, a spare room to sleep in. Another is an old neighbor who calls to complain about his life.
I don't help expecting anything in return but not 1 has bothered to ask how I am doing.
Seems people only reach out to me if they want something from me. Never drop by or call to see how I am doing, just when they need something.
Is it that difficult to ask how I'm feeling before they jump to what I can do for them?
I feel like I'm just being used. Isn't it normal to ask someone, especially someone with MS how they are doing before you jump to you own problems and what you need
The guy I buy extra hydromorph from this morning asked how I was doing and ifi needed any help with anything and that got me thinking. Why does my drug dealer care about how I am when these so called "friends " never do
Again I don't do things for people expecting anything but why am I doing anything for people who can't even ask "how are you " before asking me for something
 
I got diagnosed with a heart arrhythmia a week and a half ago.
PVCs to be specific.

ER said it was caused by too much caffeine + ephedrine + stress + anxiety.

Kept feeling a scary sensation at the top of my stomach, similar to how it feels when you get jump-scared. Except it was happening anywhere from 15-30 times a day. And it kept going on for like 2 weeks straight every day. Every time I'd get that sensation in my chest/stomach, I'd also get a rush of terror/dread with it. I thought I was gonna be stuck feeling that way every day for the rest of my life.

I cut out caffeine for a week. And started taking supplements. It's gotten better. I have less PVCs in a day & they feel more mild.
Saw my GP today & he basically said the same shit as the ER & also said it would go away. And kept recommending that I see my psychiatrist more since he thinks I have "panic overload"... Which felt like he was just dismissing it all as anxiety. Obviously I was panicking when I thought I was stuck with that sensation every day for the rest of my life. Pretty sure a psychiatrist isn't gonna fix a disrupted electrical signal in my heart either. Felt kind of dismissive.

He didn't do anymore testing or nothing. So I dunno what to think. On one hand I'm hopeful that they're right & it will go away, but on the other hand, I've had anxiety my entire life & have never experienced anything like this before. I joined a PVC community on reddit the other day cause I was freaking out that I was gonna have to live like this & all the people there basically told me I'm stuck with it & better get use to it. Yet the docs are telling me it'll go away. So... wtf.

As an ex-meth head, I'm also just shocked that 20 years of stimulant use didn't damage me at all, but a bout with ephedrine & caffeine through my heart into arrhythmia?

I had been noticing this sensation for the past 2 years too. Except normally it would just happen a few times in a 24hr period & then months could go by before I would feel it again. So does this mean I've had it for awhile or were those just warning palpitations? I feel like I didn't get all the answers I wanted.

Anyone else ever deal with this type of thing?
 
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When I was young i had to look always to the West..."The West is the best ye".....America from 60-ies and 70-ies was mine time...In fact i am more familiar with American music and literature than russian....may be this was some kind of rebellion in that times...growing older have to turn my eyes on the east.....The west is not anymore same like it was....East on the other hand got in himself deep spirituality,that still exist in many societies.....ain't talk about a political system rather than mentallity and capability to find and support some abstract ideas.Personally i feel ok in my place....here in the wood.....ain't got friends-most of them were just traitors.....and i am not saint at all forsure....who's to blame.......Grateful.....but not Dead yet:);) for my family......all that i have is coming from above-my bread,my health,my goodbeing,my bad being....coming from above....gone through me...and depends how react on this i got inner peace...acceptance....or rebellion and anger....it's not easy......that is a constant battle inside......i am sure i am not only the one that feels the things around himself in such sense......so different ......but in the end-the same-us humanbeings........just some early thoughts that came from my mind....strange to me to being sober......emotions,smells from blossom trees....constant erection.....and thoughts of mine floating around........free some kind......ALIVE!.......What a gift
 
I have to sit and cower around in a world of trash over my stolen cell phone hoping getting a motherfucking ipod shuffle will result in less theft. Meanwhile the dumb cunts around me are too fucking loud and I'm trying not to fucking drink
 
My woman shits me out for sleeping at random times but like now, she barely had 1mg alzam and 5mg diazepam and out and snoring in my ears but "no" I can't complain.
 
I'm so tired but I just want to drink coffee awake and jitter . For weeks now. I kept nodding off asleep in public earlier.
Big surprise the government has fucked me out of my phone.
 
My woman is moaning cause I'm on bluelight and not spending time together orwatching something together on YouTube but she always wants to watch end of days or doom prophet shit
 
I don't want to sleep. I don't feel comforted. I don't look forward to it. Or to waking up. Why can't I just stay awake? My body is going to shut down my eyes are sore as well.
I don't want the lexicon
I don't want your pop culture
I don't want your news woman, floating head, whoever put you to bed
Telling you I wasn't scared enough of you

Anything I could think about is sick. Not sort of sick, not a little, just like neverending vomit and shit with no redemption and I don't care, I don't want anything

You can have it all your fake treasury


What the fuck no one cares
Why not follow you but you've nothing to give
I'll take it again all by myself I'll go there that place you tell me I love all day fucking long
Will you be gone
 
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People are obviously controlling the weather. It makes no sense. There's no global warming. It's too fucking cold for too fucking long, with like three scorching hot days in the summer. A joke.
 
6 months tapering bupe from 16mg, I kick in 4 days. I must have gotten old or something, cause as many times as I've done it before, I can only imagine how CT would have been now, cause based on how I feel now this is still gonna be pretty damn bad lol. That molecular level why does my body feel like it doesn't want to be a body thing, stomach funk and insomnia, plus all the other fun, distressing mental and petty physical stuff. It is going to suck major, major donkey dick, but we can't stop here, it's fuckin bat country. Plus my bupe stash is limited, I only have so much time before I find myself either clean or fucked. 👍
 
I'm pissed at my neighbors for constaly driving their car in and out of the shared parking space. Sometimes they leave and return three, four times per day. Why can't they just leave it outside, at least during the day?
 
I miss how, when I was on my DOC, it was super easy to get a hold of, almost hassle-free. Mail order, no interactions with others or need for direct connections in the drug world, no weird BS or shit suddenly disappearing. The worst that would happen was my order could come late. Now I'm surviving on crap garbage and have no connections in the place I've moved to, have no fucking clue how to find what I want, and live with endless uncertainty (though I guess uncertainty comes with the territory, with drugs.........)
 
I also worry I may have fucked up my relationship to sleep forever......... before I started taking drugs, I could fall asleep anytime, anywhere, no trouble, and continue sleeping for however long I wanted. Now? I need to take SOMETHING, or else I'll only be able to get a few hours a night, if even that. Sometimes no sleep at all. And it doesn't seem to matter how tired and sleep-deprived I get............

I've been thinking of quitting or cutting down, at least until I can solve my supply and connections problem, but honestly my biggest fear is the sleeplessness.
 
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