I wish I knew someone else in real life, who has chronic pain too. It must be uncommon in young people, because I haven't found a single other. Makes me feel like I'm fighting this battle alone, especially because the medical system could not possibly have been anymore inconsiderate and useless in the way that they 'treat' me. The medical system is an utter disgrace, it's always worth a try and I'd never say "just don't go there" but in my experience it did much more harm than good for me (considering that I actually trusted their dumb-fuck treatments like a massive dose of the antipsychotic seroquel, and useless NSAI after useless NSAI, a miserable injection that caused cortisone flare... considering doctors had never done harm to me before, I assumed it would be the same this time around, but it wasn't. They hurt me more. I sincerely believe that the garbage treatment I have received over the past 3 years for my chronic spinal agony, has actually caused my mental health to suffer, due to the extreme anger I experience every time I walk into one of those offices with a glimmer of hope, only to be treated like a fuckin chronic pain label is stuck to my forehead, trying to explain what has happened to me and what in the past has helped and they don't have any desire to listen to me. They're fuckin egomaniacs robots but what do you expect really in this day and age.
The terrible medical treatment, and also going months if not years without even seeing a doctor about this, caused so much feelings of stress, hopelessness, outrage, depression, and other negative emotions (since the chronic pain had gone untreated for so long and I have TRIED, TRIED, TRIED). This eventually resulted in triggering a severe, chronic panic attack disorder. I was ready to stab a knife through my heart - just think symptoms of a full blown panic attacks, but one that never goes away, it's just your sobriety now - but then in the emergency room I was given xanax and told to stop my antipsychotics because she was confused as to why the fuck I was on seroquel to begin with (and up to a gram a day of that shit).
So I replaced a gram of seroquel a day + 6 beers chugged as needed when the panic got really out of control, for a benzo habit which I have continued on for years at this point with no issues. The equivalent of a bar a day. Since that day I was given my first benzo, I never had another sip of alcohol and I never will again. Huge positive change for me. I like to cycle between the benzos every couple months, my tolerance is very reasonable.
At this point, I was almost able to function in society. I wasn't having panic attacks anymore, but I still was barely able to walk. This agony in my spine, will be the death of me, it is SO SO painful in my thoracic region just makes me wants to scream and cry and cut myself of course. I cannot do a single pushup or situp, that would cripple me. 10km run used to be a walk around the park, now i refuse to risk even a light jog. Cycling, is still rad so long as I'm on opium or something. I've had to drastically transform my cosmic energies... I used to be a gym rat, absolutely shredded , played too many sports to count... nothing now. I play guitar now, I can't do any physical activities. Of course this is a huge deal for me since I used to live and love that lifestyle. I let the anger, sadness, addiction etc. come out int he music that I write.
I discovered opiates, first it was dillies that magically came into my possession. Of course they did wonders for my pain and I was prescribed percocet for a while after that. Then I got a little deeper into opiates, carefully making decision and my pain is 100% managed now. Since the time that I have returned to normality, I have resumed a career choice that had been placed on hold for 3 years as I stared at a ceiling drinking beer and smoking dope all day, which didn't do anything for my pain, I was just too angry to cope. I am now living a healthy, active lifestyle, I have a girl and a future but I have been scarred by this experience and it looks like I'll be on these substances for life, which is ok by me. This body is just in transit anyway and I'll be getting off at my next stop at some point relatively soon. It would be really nice if they could just fix it somehow like how they're good with broken bones. I guess too many smart people went into physics.
Anyways, cheers all of you. I have great respect for those dealing with this permanent (in this lifetime), agonizing form of extreme suffering and loss that often comes out of the blue; a sudden shock to the system without warning. It is completely misunderstood and stigmatized by the general society too. I'm young, and I look fit. Grab the chainsaw, boy! Were takin' the whole thing down today, I hope you're ready to WORK. Ummm...... sorry, sir..... I can't work........ my back really hurts and this will make it worse. I need to go lie down and rest. "Get out of my face, pussyboy, and never come back! You've completely fucked my schedule for today - think you're smart eh pulling these stunts (begins to throw stones at cpp)