Let me put this into perspective for you - I was 19 at a university when something happened to cause me to have severe, chronic leg and back pain. This forced me to...
leave the university I was at; quit my job; require a cane to walk and severely limited the activity I was capable of; move in my with mom after living with my girlfriend for nearly 2 years after she left me during this period because of what all this did to our relationship and who it turned me into. In some way, it negatively affected every single aspect of my life and this all occurred inside of a 6 month span.
On top of being in physical pain, I was very depressed over the limitations imposed on me at such a young age and anxious (terrified, rather) of having to live the rest of my life like that. I thought about suicide constantly and began to view knowing that I could end it anytime just in case it got too unbearable as
comforting because I couldn't stand the thought of having absolutely no control while pain had such a strangle-hold on my life. Ultimately,
I refused to accept how I felt then as how I always had to feel.
It was beyond difficult but I kept pushing forward - I forced myself to have just a small amount of hope. It was hard for me to believe at times, but I tried to always tell myself that I was worth continuing on for. I tried to take care of myself, to push myself to adapt physically and psychologically as much as I could to the circumstances. Over time, I DID adapt and
you absolutely can too.
Today, not all that long after everything above, I no longer require a cane and in fact, can even dunk a basketball again! I no longer rely on prescription medication or illicit drugs to manage the pain. I met an amazing girl that I can see myself spending my life with and we share an apartment in an incredible area far away from where I endured misery for years. After what felt like an eternity, I can truly say that I found happiness.
I still do have pain in my leg and back that I have to deal with but I am at a point where I CAN deal with it and still be happy - the dread over my limitations, defining myself BY those limitations and worrying that was my fate forever made the physical pain so much worse which made mentally coping with that fate worse.
I rarely divulge much about my life on BL and prefer to use it to discuss topics that interest me but I felt this was too important to not share with you, the community and hopefully anyone else who is unfairly suffering like you are -
*Despite how difficult my life was for what felt like an eternity, I have come so far and am so happy now that if I could magically go back and never have to deal with all that misery, I would still choose to endure it*. Going through that pain and learning to adapt and push on was the only way I could get to THIS point in my life and I wouldn't trade that for anything including everything that I lost that I listed above.
I did not see any reason to have hope when I was in a position similar to yours but I refused to accept that as my only fate and because I kept going, it more than paid off. I'm sure hearing this doesn't make what you have to deal with right now any easier but if you do not hold on to a little bit of hope, you could miss out on a seriously amazing life. You have the potential to not just live in less pain, but be HAPPY.
I know I have been a dick to you on many occasions and I am sorry. In retrospect, I believe the reason I lashed out at
you when you would post about how much you had to deal with was because it vividly brought me back to a time that is painful to revisit but that is no excuse and you didn't deserve that. You also don't deserve to feel like you are just your medical conditions and nothing more. DON'T DEFINE YOURSELF BY WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU AND IGNORE WHAT IS RIGHT ABOUT YOU. You are not some constellation of symptoms or conditions but a good person who unfortunately has pain but whose life can get better if you believe you deserve it to.
I truly hope that these words have an impact because I KNOW from personal experience that you can go from how miserable you are now to how satisfied I am so fortunate to be. You have to insist on not giving up hope; if you insist on not mentally defining yourself by your limitations and instead focus on what you DO have and who you are, your life CAN improve and you are worth fighting for it to.
You not only can get out of this hole you've unfortunately been thrown into, but even get past baseline and further than you believed was possible.
I'm proof of this.
