
Holy shit...Where to begin? First of all,
HELLO to all PAIN PEEPS! Sorry I've been MIA. I'm just at a total loss, seemingly unable to help myself or anyone else. So...I isolate and consume myself with my work. I'm struggling with some tough life decisions right now. There are no easy answers...but do those even exist for me at 55?
My husband sees my struggle (for decades). He wants me to retire completely (can't do it) and take care of ME for the first time in my life. I've said many times on this forum that my work is my salvation from this so-called life. It's not so much the distraction from insidious chronic pain, per se, as it is the validation for me. Sick, I know. I thrive on ideas becoming blueprints, then watching the builds come to fruition. It makes me feel alive in an otherwise dead shell of a body that only "gives" me PAIN.
Shroomy, I would also like to advocate on behalf of CPP's. Lord knows IME the doctors certainly are not. It should not be this HARD to get a little relief. My doctor wants to over medicate me, it seems, but doesn't take into account that the meds shut down my gut. Guess what, Doc? If the gut ain't happy I'm not happy!
Almost a year ago now, I was hospitalized for partial bowel obstruction. I spent almost a week in hospital with IVs to hydrate and meds to clean colon. Yet the dumb fucks refilled my colon with non-soluable contrast barium (twice) for extensive testing. Their results? "You need to keep your bowels moving (no shit, literally) to prevent further damage". Yay me. I started Linzess 290 because all maintenance methods had long since stopped working. The Linzess, though expensive, works but causes pain and exhaustion too. TMI, but it feels like squirting acid when bowels move...always explosive, cramping, and FIRE!
I've been experimenting with
MMJ for months now. I jump through many hoops, since it's illegal in my state. I have obtained medical dispensary product (sublingual oil, RSO, buds to smoke or vape). I prefer the vape over smoke, but honestly feel that I get the better results from the oil under my tongue. It takes a lot of trial and error for me, because I know NOTHING about MJ...never used it recreationally in my youth. I wish I had access to edibles (candies) or even more so, capsules with both THC and CBD. Again,
COST becomes a clear and present issue. It's costing me quite a lot of money and intense stress to obtain MMJ. I'm not convinced it's worth it to me, personally.
I'm told that the current MMJ is a whole new breed. I don't know if that's hype or truth. So far, I've tried about 6 different strains. I don't think I'm going to truly find pain relief, but a lift from despair is welcome. That is IF I can do so with a clear mind and motivation to remain upright and functional.
Meanwhile, I witness the steady (now rapid) decline of my elder senior peeps, including my mom (now 90). My mom technically "died" again 3 weeks ago. She never came back from her "death" on Thanksgiving Day 2015. I pray for mercy and death in her sleep. She is wicked to her core, but doesn't deserve this. I've attended on average 3-4 funerals per month all summer. Some were in decline from age and nature. Others remained active and lively, a great joy to behold. So much joy has faded to darkness, with more on the horizon. The loss is deafening.
I don't like to whine or complain. I prefer the use of cheeky humor for diversion from pain and sadness. Even I can't find a sick joke amongst all this despair.
