The Onion: Pfizer Kingpin Gunned Down In Ongoing Prescription Drug Cartel Turf War

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I know some people here get mad about postings from The Onion, but this is pretty brilliant War on Drugs satire.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/pfizer-kingpin-gunned-down-in-ongoing-prescription,31678/

Pfizer Kingpin Gunned Down In Ongoing Prescription Drug Cartel Turf War

NEW YORK—In the latest of an increasingly violent series of murders linked to international prescription drug trafficking, infamous Pfizer cartel leader Philip “El Loco” Cox was gunned down Thursday by rivals from the Bristol-Myers Squibb organization, the FBI has confirmed.

The 63-year-old Pfizer boss, who became the nation’s top pharma kingpin after the 2009 toppling of Wyeth ringleader Richard Russell, was reportedly shot five times in the chest by sales reps from Bristol-Myers Squibb, part of an ongoing turf war to control the lucrative pharmaceutical market.

“The murder of El Loco is a direct result of the escalating struggle over supply routes and territory between Pfizer and the Squibbs,” said FBI spokesman Jeff Lyons, using the nickname given to the rival cartel’s operatives, who allegedly woke Cox up in the middle of the night and killed him in front of his wife and children. “From lipid-lowering agents like Crestor to hard diabetes drugs like Avandia, everybody’s using this stuff, some of them as young as 35 or 40. The market’s worth billions, and it’s a bloody business.”

“Prescription drug traffickers are no longer just sending their reps into clinics to pressure doctors,” Lyons added. “Now they’re kidnapping the ones who don’t prescribe their product, decapitating them, and rolling their heads through hospital hallways.”

cont. http://www.theonion.com/articles/pfizer-kingpin-gunned-down-in-ongoing-prescription,31678/
 
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I think the Onion's humour is incredibly lame, but it's nice that they did a War on Drugs satire.
 
“Every time you go to your doctor demanding Concerta or Lunesta or once-daily Singulair, you’re fueling a dangerous $350 billion industry that kills thousands of innocent people each year,” said John Cotts, a Georgetown University sociologist who specializes in prescription-drug-related crime. “They’ve bought off the cops, they’ve bought off the politicians, and their power is growing every day.”

He added, “Just remember that the next time you visit a major pharmaceutical hub—maybe it’s San Diego, maybe it’s Raleigh-Durham—you may find yourself abducted, tortured, and thrown out of a moving car with the word ‘GlaxoSmithKline’ carved into your chest.”

this is whats scientologists actually believe </g>
 
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