Relapse the moment right before you mess up!

[Jabberwocky]

Thanks for that. I could easily go on a downward spiral with it as I’ve done so many times before. I’m looking for a new therapist. Haven’t gotten involved with the drug services. Trying to deal with it on my own. I don’t live near family, so they don’t know and only have a couple of friends that I hang out with and it’s never come up. It’s crazy that I’ve been using and living this secret life for 10 years.

6 months! Ahhh It seems impossible. I do find some hope in what you said about going a year not even wanting it! Right now I feel like the wanting will never go away.

Thanks for sharing and and I appreciate your encouragement.

Are you in any type of program that has helped you?

i would honestly get as much help as possible from every single avenue. you don't know in what context someone is gonna say or do something that gives you a valuable insight. down side is it does mean a lot won't necessarily be useful but in early recovery i found treating my recovery as a full time job really helpful, the most activities i did, the more distraction.

the 6 months wasn't like white knuckling it the whole time. i had up and down sides. the first time i laughed was a big thing and that was when i was still in rehab. the major instability let up around the 3 month mark. i'd been horrendously addicted to crack as well so that will have been affecting me too, i don't know which effects were specifically from heroin.

it is possible that your friends know. i didn't exactly advertise that i was a heroin addict but a few friends knew, and they told me a lot of people had been asking what was wrong with me when i'd been out having used a little too much. and then when i got way worse it was fucking obvious, you could tell i was a junkie just by looking.

i did NA for a while but sort of fell out with it. it was really useful early in and i made decent friendships with other people in recovery. also learned addicts are fucking nutters, some people who seemed sound turned out not to be. i also did courses at my local drugs services, classes at local gym, meditation classes at my local buddhist centre, therapy. literally everything someone in recovery suggested that wasn't obviously stupid, i did. i had to own up to the fact that i didn't know shit, given how much i'd fucked my life up, and just listen to other people. i also did a lot of reading about addiction- the anatomy of desire by marc lewis really chimed with me. plus gabor mate's realm of the hungry ghosts and chasing the scream by johann hari.

i actually really wanna get back into NA meetings, less interested in working the steps. i split up with my sponsor cos she didn't like my step 3, as it didn't have the sort of higher power she thought i should have. but i do spiritual work by study at my local buddhist centre. i didn't actually intend to pick up a religion, i was brought up to be massively anti religion. its really not necessary for recovery and don't listen to anyone who says it is. but some sort of spiritual work is useful and i've found the framework of buddhism to work well for me.

cravings can be so intense when you're really early on, but every time you fight through one, you are building up your ability to fight them next time. and just remember, if it was easy you'd have done this years ago, your addiction will use a lot against you but recovery is possible. i have a full time job and a nice house with my partner, mundane as shit but beats using.

 

[TheUltimateFixx]

I got high again yesterday having gone 26 days. That’s the longest I’ve gone in years. I was so proud of myself for being strong. I had been attending a zoom 24/7 NA meeting every day. I totally feel disappointed in myself. I don’t know how I’ll be able to just stop for good. This addiction thing lasts forever. I feel like I’m doomed. What’s done is done, though. Today’s a new day.

Listen. I feel ya. I've been just where you are right now. And let me tell you addiction DOESN'T last forever. Or at the very least, it doesn't HAVE to.
It's not like some fatal virus or supernatural curse that once 'contracted' will poison the rest of your days. I myself am living proof to the contrary, and there are many more others like me. Do not lose hope. You are not 'doomed' and don't listen to anyone who would tell you so.

PS also don't disparage your achievement. I mean I dunno how heavily you were using or what you were using, but 26 days off is good! And it's in no way diminished by you using again on one day. I mean fuck, just think of it as a process. If you wobbled on your bike and fell off again after successfully cycling 50 yards, would you discount the prior effort -? NO. You would just chalk it up to a learning exprience and have another go. It's not an all - or - nothing thing. Thinking of it as an all - or - nothing thing in fact is PRECISELY what'll set you up to fail.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Same but we have to avoid it. I also spiral the moment i relapse so i gotta remind myself to avoid it but t often requires strenght that i rarely have, so...

I was recently some yrs clean but couldnt keep myself from relapsing and my mom Saw me several moments totally stimmed and sleep deprived and she already asked if i was back on drugs but i lied and Just this week i accidently send het a text message meant for a friend in which I mentionned snelle, bruin and Kratom of which snelle en bruin are slang for speed and hash so this confirmed what she already knew and i reAlly feel bad about IT since she already suffered a lot due to my addictions also Friends dont like comming over that much anymore as they mostly want to. Chill and watch European football on tv but they really cant As im constantly stimmed talking obsessively and i felt like i was much happyer before relapsing and that already my life starts spiralling out of control and i only Just started using again the heavy shit is not even CLose and when relapsing i thought i was now able to control my use and avoid the heavy shit but now in back.in my obsession i realize.im Just not capable of avoiding the heavy shit...

 

[Jabberwocky]

you don't need to go to your dr to get help. there are a plethora of different types of meetings, NA/SMART etc. you can find a private therapist- literally any smack habit over here costs more than a weekly private session so you should hopefully be able to afford it, not sure prices where you are but think it should be similar. go to your drugs services. there are lots of places to get help that don't involve going to your dr.


i felt like this. and then pretty early into my habit some stuff happened that meant that i truly could not function without heroin cos it dulled my cPTSD. cos of that, i was pretty sure when i went ti rehav that there was no way i was gonna be able to get and stay clean long term. i didn't even know i had ptsd cos heroin masked it so well. anyway, i feel much more normal now i'm not in that type of active addiction any more. cos deep down i knew being a heroin addict wasn't normal, it did get in the way of my functioning- having to arrange everything around being able to use at certain times and make sure i had enough dark.

but conceptualising heroin in that way is not useful if you actually want to quit. its also not accurate. you mentioned above that you've ODd a couple of times, that's not a normal part of existence. you know that. you will find things much easier, and get to a place of accepting abstinence from heroin, if you take a more realistic and nuanced view of its effect on your life.

you'll get to a time where you can cope with seeing where you used to cop or whatever. i used to have to walk past people waiting to score on my way to and from work every single day. it only got to me when i was in a bad place mentally. when i was in a good place, i looked at the people waiting and felt relieved i wasn't among them.

Some user told me the first time i spoke about it here that i have to HATE using, and ut's exactly how i feel about drugs i dont use anymore haha but none were anything like heroin so there has to be another trick there

 

[Jabberwocky]

That is my experience as well ; I'm diagnosed as autistic and I cannot cope well with ordinary life. Sometimes things and situations upset me profoundly which normal people just shrug off. If your DOC does a job of curtailing that distress you should not feel bad for taking it. Would you feel guilty for taking an anti - allergic to get rid of hayfever -?

PLEASE fucking stop equating your use to being distanced from God, and thinking of checking your use as being close to God. Religion has nothing to do with it. If you think it does then that's because of attitudes you've assimilated about drug use; like it's an inherent failure, and if only you had sufficient spirituality you wouldn't feel like you needed or wanted it etc.

STOP.

We all share the human condition, which is essentially one of suffering and pain. Anything that can help you endure this pain and make you feel better is a good thing. There's no morality attached to wishing to feel better. If there is some kind of god who loves his creation how could he both deliberately subject you to suffering AND subsequently condemn you for any action you took to lessen it. Think a bit here.

So three of us here are in the spectrum hmmm sucks huh? Well to me it does! It has made my life so much more complicated than others' and it has subjected me to so much injustice, but i do not blame God for the things that happen to me. Or should i? Taking anything that alters my perception and my mind gets in the way of spirituality since theres no way we can think clearly like that. I also dont believe in that whole "we are to blame and in control of everything that happens in our lives" it's seriously such bullshit and a harmful ideology to sick and troubled people. When i said a place devoid of Gods presence i meant that i feel my situation to be so far gone that not even God could reach for me there.

 

[Jabberwocky]

I got high again yesterday having gone 26 days. That’s the longest I’ve gone in years. I was so proud of myself for being strong. I had been attending a zoom 24/7 NA meeting every day. I totally feel disappointed in myself. I don’t know how I’ll be able to just stop for good. This addiction thing lasts forever. I feel like I’m doomed. What’s done is done, though. Today’s a new day.

I feel the same. Whenever i think i have made real progress i fuck it up again and over the years i just dont see myself getting out of this anymore idk
Btw 26 days is hell of a long time! How did u manage? It really hurt to understand that IT DOES LAST FOREVER meaning that we will have to fight it forever even when we feel like it has become way easier or even gone away for good, it is just there sleeping waiting for us to mess up again but it never really dies. Like Cthulhu.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Some user told me the first time i spoke about it here that i have to HATE using, and ut's exactly how i feel about drugs i dont use anymore haha but none were anything like heroin so there has to be another trick there

wait, what? it would be so easy if we could just decide we hate using. hating the consequences of using is one thing, but the using itself retains its allure for a very long time. i still can easily fall into romanticising using.

there isn't really a trick. ime its throw everything at the wall and see what sticks.

 

[Jabberwocky]

wait, what? it would be so easy if we could just decide we hate using. hating the consequences of using is one thing, but the using itself retains its allure for a very long time. i still can easily fall into romanticising using.

there isn't really a trick. ime its throw everything at the wall and see what sticks.

Haha, maybe with opiates yes it is hard, but i do hate using crack, meth, mdma, psychedelics, weed... I truly hate all that crap.

 

[hylite]

i was going to post in the recovery thread. this looks active though.

i'm fighting right now not to take my last three norco's

not all at once but not to take them at all. i had a headache from quitting several days worth.

but i didn't have much anyway.

my pain in my left leg was so bad it was almost parallelized.before it was my right stiff. my own fault. i just can't live like I want to right now.

i used a heating pad and it worked. still have to take the MELOXICAM everyday because dissolves the bad inflammation but not all of it.

i thing when i stop taking the norco i sweat really bad for two days. and it's Summer and sad with a cast. just slowed down my fun for the season a bit.

maybe the stress from always quitting norco's is so draing that it is weakening my immune system badly. . !

 

[Jabberwocky]

i was going to post in the recovery thread. this looks active though.

i'm fighting right now not to take my last three norco's

not all at once but not to take them at all. i had a headache from quitting several days worth.

but i didn't have much anyway.

my pain in my left leg was so bad it was almost parallelized.before it was my right stiff. my own fault. i just can't live like I want to right now.

i used a heating pad and it worked. still have to take the MELOXICAM everyday because dissolves the bad inflammation but not all of it.

i thing when i stop taking the norco i sweat really bad for two days. and it's Summer and sad with a cast. just slowed down my fun for the season a bit.

maybe the stress from always quitting norco's is so draing that it is weakening my immune system badly. . !

I know. Having to deal with the sweats, mental and physical pain makes you think if using would be that bad haha. Someone here told me a remedy for the sweats but i forgor... Would b nice to know
Ijust got out of my AA group and am thinking of 2 things... Getting dope or getting food. Man i feel sad AF

 

[Jabberwocky]

I know. Having to deal with the sweats, mental and physical pain makes you think if using would be that bad haha. Someone here told me a remedy for the sweats but i forgor... Would b nice to know
Ijust got out of my AA group and am thinking of 2 things... Getting dope or getting food. Man i feel sad AF

i really hope you got food..... how was the meeting?

how have you been doing since you started the thread? has this turned into another run or did you manage to rein it in?

 

[hylite]

Wow. It's 12 30 and I didn't take a pill yet. It would probably help my headache ( from the sun ).

Oh just this one more time. . Because I have some. Hmmm . . that's an idea.

I tried kratom a long time ago and couldn't do it. I don't feel alone anymore,

just sick. I will feel sicker if I take that hit. norco, if they still say it like that. Oh ffs.

I can't be sick forever. I don't have that kind of time and neither do

others. Now I'm sick. Yes, today was like day 0 for me. Three days are terrible terrible for me these days.

Death would be more comforting. I hope that I was appropriate enough for this recovery context and that I

didn't depress anyone with my post. I'm sorry. I really am. It was just day zero. Another awful day. It does feel

so very bad. I haven't prayed yet ! No strength.

So ashamed though when the dose is helping.

thnx

 

[Jabberwocky]

i really hope you got food..... how was the meeting?

how have you been doing since you started the thread? has this turned into another run or did you manage to rein it in?

Aye got me some vegan kebabs thanks to 2 of my AA friends who forced me into the cafe

I started to feel terrible inside the meeting an took a pregabalin a very light one 50mg
I didnt talk at all, just listened to their stories about their children and i kinda felt glad that i might never procreate.... All they do is complain about how hard it is... Like why did u do it in the first place, lol

Since i started this ibeen kinda sober, just a lil lyrica very light ones an same with methadone cus i been feeling terrible cravings, like it makes me cry fr idk what to do... A friend will take me to a doctor on monday and on saturday i have a karate tournament near the airport

 

[Jabberwocky]

Wow. It's 12 30 and I didn't take a pill yet. It would probably help my headache ( from the sun ).

Oh just this one more time. . Because I have some. Hmmm . . that's an idea.

I tried kratom a long time ago and couldn't do it. I don't feel alone anymore,

just sick. I will feel sicker if I take that hit. norco, if they still say it like that. Oh ffs.

I can't be sick forever. I don't have that kind of time and neither do

others. Now I'm sick. Yes, today was like day 0 for me. Three days are terrible terrible for me these days.

Death would be more comforting. I hope that I was appropriate enough for this recovery context and that I

didn't depress anyone with my post. I'm sorry. I really am. It was just day zero. Another awful day. It does feel

so very bad. I haven't prayed yet ! No strength.

So ashamed though when the dose is helping.

thnx

Praying is the way! I keep forgetting too
There is life after death if you follow Jesus Christ, that is what i believe.

It keeps looking like day 0 for me too
I cant see the end of it even if everyone tells me that there is one

 

[hylite]

i was there. and I actually have something for the pain, the MELOXICAM
but it works so good with the norco too.

You can do it. I did it and it really did feel so good.

You have to try it just to see how good it feels. You can. You don't have to stay there but you have
to try it just to see how good it feels !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You will know when your body doesn't need anymore.

But it is refreshing when you get there. More energy. A new kind of energy. Strong.

And Thank You so much too !!!!!!!

Praying is the way! I keep forg

It keeps looking like day 0 for me too

 

[Jabberwocky]

i was there. and I actually have something for the pain, the MELOXICAM
but it works so good with the norco too.

You can do it. I did it and it really did feel so good.

You have to try it just to see how good it feels. You can. You don't have to stay there but you have
to try it just to see how good it feels !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You will know when your body doesn't need anymore.

But it is refreshing when you get there. More energy. A new kind of energy. Strong.

And Thank You so much too !!!!!!!

I have felt that energy. Sometimes i cant control it, i always been very hyperactive, an it can end up in confusion, maybe thats why i opted to sedate myself. I often dont feel fit for life, i feel so different from almost everyone around me idk. Thanks for being here.

 

[hylite]

I have felt that energy. Sometimes i cant control it, i always been very hyperactive, an it can end up in confusion, maybe thats why i opted to sedate myself. I often dont feel fit for life, i feel so different from almost everyone around me idk. Thanks for being here.

Awe. Please feel better. You do so much and you are doing really great in this journey. It's a tough one though.

 

[Jabberwocky]

I didnt talk at all, just listened to their stories about their children and i kinda felt glad that i might never procreate.... All they do is complain about how hard it is... Like why did u do it in the first place, lol

Since i started this ibeen kinda sober, just a lil lyrica very light ones an same with methadone cus i been feeling terrible cravings, like it makes me cry fr idk what to do... A friend will take me to a doctor on monday and on saturday i have a karate tournament near the airport

lol i am currently trying to conceive. not having much luck..... actually got an appointment tomorrow for an ultrasound to see if they can work out just how badly years of anorexia and drug abuse destroyed my womb (hopefully not at all, but i'm not optimistic). all my freinds who have complained how hard it is and said they'd never have another child went on to have another child.

methadone and lyrica is much better than heroin. its good that you're going to a dr. keep up the meetings as well. it sounds like you've got decent support which is really important, i think i remember saying you are not close to your family so having friends to help you is awesome.

I often dont feel fit for life, i feel so different from almost everyone around me idk.

i think a lot of people with mental health problems feel like this. i've certainly always felt like an 'other,' apart from most people, didn't help being bullied for being 'weird' at a young age.

yet, we are here, which in itself is testament for our fitness for life. and who wants to belike most people anyway?

 

[Jabberwocky]

lol i am currently trying to conceive. not having much luck..... actually got an appointment tomorrow for an ultrasound to see if they can work out just how badly years of anorexia and drug abuse destroyed my womb (hopefully not at all, but i'm not optimistic). all my freinds who have complained how hard it is and said they'd never have another child went on to have another child.

methadone and lyrica is much better than heroin. its good that you're going to a dr. keep up the meetings as well. it sounds like you've got decent support which is really important, i think i remember saying you are not close to your family so having friends to help you is awesome.


i think a lot of people with mental health problems feel like this. i've certainly always felt like an 'other,' apart from most people, didn't help being bullied for being 'weird' at a young age.

yet, we are here, which in itself is testament for our fitness for life. and who wants to belike most people anyway?

Oh shid , u had anorexia? It been almost a decade since i recovered an i never got my period back. Not sure if because of h or just anorexia. My ED got so bad that i was sent ro rehab against my will, otherwise i would still have it, or might not even be here. But im not mad about not having a period, quite the opposite Well at least u seem like some1 who wont make her childrens life a living hell so thats good!
I was super close to my family until they knew i was using. They are super conservative an clutch they rosaries if they see u smokin a cigarette but i miss them
I cant imagine what bullying feels like cus i was homeschooled after elementary haha

 

[Jabberwocky]

Oh shid , u had anorexia? It been almost a decade since i recovered an i never got my period back. Not sure if because h or just anorexia but it got so bad that i was sent ro rehab against my will. But im not mad about not having a period, quite the opposite Well at least u seem like some1 who wont make her childrens life a living hell so thats good!

shit, i'm sorry you had it too. mine was pretty bad, i had a few involuntary hospitalisations, and ended up doing a few months in a specialist residential facility. i got well enough to not need IP treatment any more but didn't really recover, just started numbing with drugs instead and was still extremely underweight. thank you for thinking i might not make my childrens life a living hell, i really would hope not to and wouldn't want to bring a life into the world if i didn't believe myself capable of giving a child a decent life. my boyf would make a great dad and we have family near by too which would help.

spoiler for period related tmi:

Spoiler

i found losing my period validating, but i didn't get it back til i gained weight in rehab a few years ago,and its not come back properly, its very light. which apparently means that even if i am ovulating (which drs currently aren't sure....) my womb lining might not be sufficient to actually support a pregnancy. i haven't needed to buy period products since i was 19, just use panty liners for like 2 days a month, i'm 36 now.