Need Help The Methamphetamine Quitting Thread August 2020

[Jabberwocky]

I’m starting this thread for anyone going through the unique challenges of quitting methamphetamine. Doesn’t matter how often you use, how long you’ve been using, or what your route of administration is, this thread is for all of us with meth challenges to share our progress and support each other. I‘m sure I’m not the only one on Bluelight wanting meth out of their life at least for a while. The thread is focussed on people who want abstinence from meth, not just winding back use.

I made the resolution to really quit IV meth five days ago and am finding it extremely difficult. I have been using at least weekly for 9 months - with a bit of MDMA and acid on the side occasionally. In fact I only lasted 5 days and one NA meeting before I had a small amount today to relieve the cravings. I believe it would be helpful for me to be able to talk through recovery challenges and strategies with other people in the same position - or maybe who have successfully beaten meth addiction and can share what worked for them.

 

[xxfreak187xx]

Thats 5 days/steps forward rather than 5 days backwards

 

[4meSM]

Best of luck man! Keep us updated.

I haven't used meth since 01/08 and I was using it daily for a couple of months prior to that date. I had been using it pretty regularly since 2018 but actually started in 2016 now that I think about it. Since 2018 it has been on/off, when I'm in my "ON" period I use it almost everyday sometimes for weeks or even months and then I take a break (my breaks are usually shorter than my "binges" though).
I might get some meth in the near future though, not sure if I'm ready to quit (or try to) for good at this time.

The main reason why I stopped this time is because I moved cross-country and haven't been able to get some. I mentioned the "conditioned place preference" on another thread, that's a big deal with meth. Since I'm away from the places I used to use at I don't really crave it that much, it really works for me.

I'm repeating myself but I'll say it again just in case ('cause I think it matters). My meth using patterns are a bit different than the usual, I haven't missed a single night of sleep in my whole meth career and never done more than 50-70mg/day (it's obviously not 100% pure either). But I also mix it with other drugs every single time so there might be some potentiation going on.
I usually smoke it as well which is a very compulsive ROA. When I choose to snort it I find it way easier to control, but it doesn't have that instant onset (smoked meth hits quicker than IV by the way, though you can get a way bigger dose at once .if you IV).

 

[Joey]

I still struggle with this substance. A slip became a relapse about a week ago. I’m using less than I was before because I have to. I’m doing it in secret, I have a job now too. I can’t be messed up. Some very important people will be so disappointed if they find out, and I know very well that they will find out if I keep this up.

Im running very low and fighting to drop this instead of buying another bag while I still have a fighting chance of sweeping this under the rug. This drug has had its claws deep in my back for years and I’m getting tired. I’m always telling myself I’m so tired. I’m so tired..

My self esteem is very shaky as it is, and this situation of me relapsing yet again has eroded those grounds even further into the sinkhole. I could lose the person I love if this goes awry.

 

[Jabberwocky]

I have to admit that the day I went to an NA meeting earlier this week definitely kept me from using that day. I couldn’t go to a meeting the following day because of a family commitment and BANG I was back on it again (very stressful family commitment). I’m now seriously inclined to do the old 90 meetings in 90 days which should see me through the worst of comedown and cravings. I don’t want to be an NA lifer and I’m not into counting days sober (or even actually being permanently sober from all substances) but it seems to me to be a great resource for short-circuiting all your druggie behaviour and starting to get on top of what your risks and challenges really are.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Just spent nearly 2 days in bed so depressed I can't put it into words. Family member found an emty baggie so my secret identity exposed (although they are keeping info to themselves if I do something about my addiction), so back to NA today, booked session with personal trainer, called the local state D&A treatment service to see what government servies there are and put a call into a private rehab to find out how they handle not-very-tweaky meth fiends with good private insurance. I'm done with this shit..

 

[ageingpartyfiend]

Just spent nearly 2 days in bed so depressed I can't put it into words. Family member found an emty baggie so my secret identity exposed (although they are keeping info to themselves if I do something about my addiction), so back to NA today, booked session with personal trainer, called the local state D&A treatment service to see what government servies there are and put a call into a private rehab to find out how they handle not-very-tweaky meth fiends with good private insurance. I'm done with this shit..

Could be the very best thing that's ever happened

Edit - I've read some of your posts - I've 100% faith that you'll leave this shit behind and that a new and far more interesting life experience will unfold

You know yourself that you'll have to suffer first though, mind (and maybe for some time) - but you're resourseful, have integrity, and your soul is clearly done with meth

 

[denovo]

There is light at the end of the tunnel: the brain is plastic, meaning it can heal and form new pathways throughout our lifespans: we can be 'normal' again, but we will never forget.

That Is hard to read. Meth is a slippery slope and is not to be underestimated.
If it helps, think about the good things you have in your life because you don't use regularly. If you've used in the past, you know the lifestyle is not worth it. And if you've been away from it long enough you know that it is not a life you want to lead. Why then do we relapse? What is happening in our brains that allows us to be weak enough to give in?

That is what I seek for myself, to understand the pattern. As a gay man, it is increasingly difficult to not be exposed to it. I believe I have an unholy trinity formed: meth, pornography addiction and an unhealthy sex life. They all go hand in hand for me. They breed rotten fruits of self betrayal, broken trust, and it directly attacks my inner faith in myself to be strong and overcome.

Why do we keep using?

 

[denovo]

Im running very low and fighting to drop this instead of buying another bag while I still have a fighting chance of sweeping this under the rug. This drug has had its claws deep in my back for years and I’m getting tired. I’m always telling myself I’m so tired. I’m so tired..

 

[denovo]

The more you fight it, the stronger you will become. I tell myself that too when I use, I hate not being able to sleep and I hate even more than it takes 2 or more weeks to feel 'normal' even after one us.

The hardest part is starting. Maintaining allows you to embark on the journey to self discovery to know why it keeps happening

 

[denovo]

Why do you all think it continues to happen? We go for months of sobriety and then bam we 'wake up' and we've not eaten, slept and we are high again. That is the part of the cycle I want to break. Any thoughts?

 

[Jabberwocky]

Well i’m now 8 days clean and am feeling like a new man. Just got back from the pool where i swam laps for half an hour - first time in over a year. Noticed my bank account surprisingly full too which is nice!

It’s taken a lot of effort and a lot of false starts (too many relapses to count) but I feel strong and resiliant as regards meth at the moment.

Biggest help was having the right meds to get quality sleep every night for a week and getting up early and doing some light excercisr every morning.

 

[Joey]

I’m still doing whatever. I don’t really care right now lm just gonna hang out and try and keep myself occupied with something that isn’t dwelling on the substance. Bit of music? haven’t listened to Discharge or Ministry for awhile. Maybe I’ll play some music. Maybe.

Hear nothing see nothing say nothing, this is going to pass me over like everything always does. I’m glad I’m still in the running to have a real life but I’m not quite there right now. Getting shit done anyway, most of the stuff I need to do. Except get clean, that’s a joke right now.

I need to get rid of this bag and never buy it again. It’s fucked how easy it is to get anywhere even if I don’t know anybody. I’ve never had much of an issue all year and I’ve only rarely kept a steady dealer. Don’t need one just need a phone. Buy in bulk it lasts longer, though I haven’t been doing that lately which is making life more hectic every 2 or 3 days..

If I get more it has to be bulk. If I don’t I have to get my life back together. Ones the harm reduction philosophy and ones the fuck it I quit mentality which hasn’t worked so far. I bet I can predict what happens next.

Been awake for awhile, dozing on andrenaline.

 

[Engine_Of_Chaos]

I am tired... tired of thinking about wanting it, tired of thinking of how to come up with the money to get it, tired of waiting on my dealer (only got one) to respond, tired of driving where ever they want to meet to get it, tired of sneaking around, tired of coming up with reasons why I'm in the bathroom so long, tired of poking myself all over ( never had this problem back wen I shot pills, heard meth is extremely hard on veins an now I believe it), tired of not even getting high anymore. I had a 13yr pill addiction for which i sought help in 2016. Changed everything, places, did classes..did very well. Always kept the thought of using again if I ever had the chance. Im an addict. Meet a woman in IOP class that lived 10 mins from me an she used an could get meth. I started using hear an there..snorting it. After about a year or so she got twacked out an set herself on fire, they pulled the plug a few days later. Did that stop me?? Nope, I went to someone she introduced me to..that smoked it. Thats a beast all on its on. I really picked up the pace..used almost daily from July this year. Wasnt getting high anymore after about a month so switched ROAs to IV. I absolutely HATE myself. None of my family has any idea at all. Except for the other day I left my kit out instead of putting it up an mom wakes me up asking Wat is this?!?! I told her it was in a bag i had went thru an it was from my pill days an i meant to throw it away. She believed me. Im tired of thinking I want it, I'm tired of lying to everyone. Im tired of putting make up on my arms bc of how rough this shit is.. I dont want to want it anymore. I think actually that I wouldn't say I get it cause I want it.. I think I've just got used to that being the routine. If this is way way too much I'm sorry.. other than my journals I have No One to talk to about this. Sorry if I described the whole thing too much.. funny thing.. I've got LOADS more to say.

 

[Black_Amexxx]

It's been about 5 hours since I used. So, the pipe is now empty & the baggie is too. Now I've just gotta get through the night, get some sleep & avoid getting on again when I wake.