cryan
Bluelighter
I'm going to try to condense this story as much as possible as it is one that spans over a period of 4 years. But ultimately I would like to know what the mass population thinks is the best way for me to handle this, if I should do anything at all.
Four years ago I met my, now husband. He had a 4 mos old daughter who's mama as not and has not ever really been around. She basically popped the kid out and vanished. Now when we first met we were both young and partying doing drugs, it was a fuckin blast. If I could go back to any one period in my life it would be after wed been together about 2 years. We both had fuckin great jobs, worked hard and partied harder and had our happy little family to boot. My step-daughter never went without and life was just generally amazing.
Well after our 2 year anniv. he decided he wanted to stop doing drugs, meanwhile Im thinking, I'm 19 fucking years old, I still have a lot of drugs to do and a lot of partying to do etc etc. Fuck that. (He's only 2 years older) One day he found a straw in my purse and I blew up & he left me.
We were split for abt. 4 mos. In which time I started dating my best friend, who eventually shot and killed himself in our room. After that happened my addiction escalated to shooting heroin in trying to wrap my mind around how fucked up my life had become. (Had lost my job as well, recession time)
So I wormed my way back into his life a bit by saying I really missed my stepdaughter please let me see her (I really did miss her a lot, but I also missed im a lot). Eventually we got back together under the condition I tell my lifelong friends peace, start suboxone maintenance and move away to the smallest fuckin town on earth with him. Well, I did it. I fuckin love him. From the moment I saw him I knew he was who I wanted to be with. I've never loved a man as much as him, so I did it.
Well, I rationalized a few things in my own mind, knowing that I was not ready to give up my youth, I told myself its all or nothing with him. I married him so he couldnt leave me again. Then I rationalized in order for me to actually feel like a part of this family, I need to have a kid with him, then I wont just be the step-mom, "Phoenix" (my pretend name), I'll actually be mom. So a month ago I had my first child.
Now, I am feeling so lost. I dont think I was ready to settle down. I hate it. Dont get me wrong, I love my husband (although I do resent him and his daughter for being the reason I had to settle down.) and I love my baby girl more than anything. But I just dont understand why he is so adamately against having a little fun once in a while. We never had any problems with the lifestyle we were living before and I think it is so ridiculously unfair for him to have given me such a heavy ultimatum. (Probably not unfair but I think it is)
Okay, so all of this leads up to this:
I have been crazy depressed lately and just really bored. I want something fun. I have never been a person who did well with a nice quiet normal life. So our birthdays are coming up and I have convinced him to let us either A) go to a party or B) Get some oxy's. We ultimately settled with the oxys as a friend is having a housewarming party soon. The thing is, I just know that I wont be able to stop at that. If I have a source its over. Also, even if he doesnt let me know the source, he is going to be so paranoid that I am fucking up, and he will guilt trip the fuck out of me for "guilt tripping him into letting me do this". I want this so badly but I know nothing good is going to come out of it.
What is your guys' advice about my whole situation in general. Is there a happy medium for me, or am I just stuck with the choices I made. I am so depressed to think that I am only 22 and my youth is gone. There is much I never got to do.
And then what is your advice on the birthday situation?
I am so sorry this is so long, but I feel you guys are the only ones that would properly understand where I am coming from. Any of my acquantances (as I have cut all ties for years now with my friends) or family would just think I am being stupid. Maybe I am.
Four years ago I met my, now husband. He had a 4 mos old daughter who's mama as not and has not ever really been around. She basically popped the kid out and vanished. Now when we first met we were both young and partying doing drugs, it was a fuckin blast. If I could go back to any one period in my life it would be after wed been together about 2 years. We both had fuckin great jobs, worked hard and partied harder and had our happy little family to boot. My step-daughter never went without and life was just generally amazing.
Well after our 2 year anniv. he decided he wanted to stop doing drugs, meanwhile Im thinking, I'm 19 fucking years old, I still have a lot of drugs to do and a lot of partying to do etc etc. Fuck that. (He's only 2 years older) One day he found a straw in my purse and I blew up & he left me.
We were split for abt. 4 mos. In which time I started dating my best friend, who eventually shot and killed himself in our room. After that happened my addiction escalated to shooting heroin in trying to wrap my mind around how fucked up my life had become. (Had lost my job as well, recession time)
So I wormed my way back into his life a bit by saying I really missed my stepdaughter please let me see her (I really did miss her a lot, but I also missed im a lot). Eventually we got back together under the condition I tell my lifelong friends peace, start suboxone maintenance and move away to the smallest fuckin town on earth with him. Well, I did it. I fuckin love him. From the moment I saw him I knew he was who I wanted to be with. I've never loved a man as much as him, so I did it.
Well, I rationalized a few things in my own mind, knowing that I was not ready to give up my youth, I told myself its all or nothing with him. I married him so he couldnt leave me again. Then I rationalized in order for me to actually feel like a part of this family, I need to have a kid with him, then I wont just be the step-mom, "Phoenix" (my pretend name), I'll actually be mom. So a month ago I had my first child.
Now, I am feeling so lost. I dont think I was ready to settle down. I hate it. Dont get me wrong, I love my husband (although I do resent him and his daughter for being the reason I had to settle down.) and I love my baby girl more than anything. But I just dont understand why he is so adamately against having a little fun once in a while. We never had any problems with the lifestyle we were living before and I think it is so ridiculously unfair for him to have given me such a heavy ultimatum. (Probably not unfair but I think it is)
Okay, so all of this leads up to this:
I have been crazy depressed lately and just really bored. I want something fun. I have never been a person who did well with a nice quiet normal life. So our birthdays are coming up and I have convinced him to let us either A) go to a party or B) Get some oxy's. We ultimately settled with the oxys as a friend is having a housewarming party soon. The thing is, I just know that I wont be able to stop at that. If I have a source its over. Also, even if he doesnt let me know the source, he is going to be so paranoid that I am fucking up, and he will guilt trip the fuck out of me for "guilt tripping him into letting me do this". I want this so badly but I know nothing good is going to come out of it.
What is your guys' advice about my whole situation in general. Is there a happy medium for me, or am I just stuck with the choices I made. I am so depressed to think that I am only 22 and my youth is gone. There is much I never got to do.
And then what is your advice on the birthday situation?
I am so sorry this is so long, but I feel you guys are the only ones that would properly understand where I am coming from. Any of my acquantances (as I have cut all ties for years now with my friends) or family would just think I am being stupid. Maybe I am.