The mess I've gotten myself into - what's your opinion?

[cryan]

I'm going to try to condense this story as much as possible as it is one that spans over a period of 4 years. But ultimately I would like to know what the mass population thinks is the best way for me to handle this, if I should do anything at all.

Four years ago I met my, now husband. He had a 4 mos old daughter who's mama as not and has not ever really been around. She basically popped the kid out and vanished. Now when we first met we were both young and partying doing drugs, it was a fuckin blast. If I could go back to any one period in my life it would be after wed been together about 2 years. We both had fuckin great jobs, worked hard and partied harder and had our happy little family to boot. My step-daughter never went without and life was just generally amazing.

Well after our 2 year anniv. he decided he wanted to stop doing drugs, meanwhile Im thinking, I'm 19 fucking years old, I still have a lot of drugs to do and a lot of partying to do etc etc. Fuck that. (He's only 2 years older) One day he found a straw in my purse and I blew up & he left me.

We were split for abt. 4 mos. In which time I started dating my best friend, who eventually shot and killed himself in our room. After that happened my addiction escalated to shooting heroin in trying to wrap my mind around how fucked up my life had become. (Had lost my job as well, recession time)

So I wormed my way back into his life a bit by saying I really missed my stepdaughter please let me see her (I really did miss her a lot, but I also missed im a lot). Eventually we got back together under the condition I tell my lifelong friends peace, start suboxone maintenance and move away to the smallest fuckin town on earth with him. Well, I did it. I fuckin love him. From the moment I saw him I knew he was who I wanted to be with. I've never loved a man as much as him, so I did it.

Well, I rationalized a few things in my own mind, knowing that I was not ready to give up my youth, I told myself its all or nothing with him. I married him so he couldnt leave me again. Then I rationalized in order for me to actually feel like a part of this family, I need to have a kid with him, then I wont just be the step-mom, "Phoenix" (my pretend name), I'll actually be mom. So a month ago I had my first child.

Now, I am feeling so lost. I dont think I was ready to settle down. I hate it. Dont get me wrong, I love my husband (although I do resent him and his daughter for being the reason I had to settle down.) and I love my baby girl more than anything. But I just dont understand why he is so adamately against having a little fun once in a while. We never had any problems with the lifestyle we were living before and I think it is so ridiculously unfair for him to have given me such a heavy ultimatum. (Probably not unfair but I think it is)

Okay, so all of this leads up to this:

I have been crazy depressed lately and just really bored. I want something fun. I have never been a person who did well with a nice quiet normal life. So our birthdays are coming up and I have convinced him to let us either A) go to a party or B) Get some oxy's. We ultimately settled with the oxys as a friend is having a housewarming party soon. The thing is, I just know that I wont be able to stop at that. If I have a source its over. Also, even if he doesnt let me know the source, he is going to be so paranoid that I am fucking up, and he will guilt trip the fuck out of me for "guilt tripping him into letting me do this". I want this so badly but I know nothing good is going to come out of it.

What is your guys' advice about my whole situation in general. Is there a happy medium for me, or am I just stuck with the choices I made. I am so depressed to think that I am only 22 and my youth is gone. There is much I never got to do.

And then what is your advice on the birthday situation?

I am so sorry this is so long, but I feel you guys are the only ones that would properly understand where I am coming from. Any of my acquantances (as I have cut all ties for years now with my friends) or family would just think I am being stupid. Maybe I am.

 

[rhythmdaddy]

What you're feeling is normal I think. You perhaps are experiencing a little post-pardom depression, regret settling down so fast(sometimes), and get a little restless because you want that opiate high again.

Sounds like it's mostly good for you. Focus on that. Try to stay away from the oxys since you know having a source would end you. Could you party with your husband for your birthday with another drug? Something not so addictive, like MDMA, or a psychedelic?

Having a baby is big time responsibility, and it's normal to want to step out a little.

I say get a sitter every couple weeks, and go let off some steam, just remember to take good care of your kids.

It can be very difficult for an addict to do this. Know that.

Plus, your fun isn't gone!!! I have a family, big job, house, etc. I still get out to do my favorite thing: go see live music. I party, too. I just do so with having everything in place. My friends are the same way, we take care of business, then let loose and "recharge" before going back to our worklives and family lives.

Good luck. PM me anytime about this. I think I can help.

Take care.

 

[lostNfound]

Youth and naivety are a funny thing, you were both young when you split. Hell, you were only 19 ffs; and he was only 2 years older than you.
He was a very young father and you were a very young step mother.

Then you break up for 4 months in which time you have your best friend commit suicide in your place of residence.

You turn to the needle having already had a taste of other party drugs.
You realise you are only going down hill and recall the good times and how things were; you remember the love of your family you and you ex had created which ended not so long ago.
You decide you have to do whatever you must to get things right again and bow to his will completely not having got the monkey off your back yet?

So there goes the move to a new town, far from all the people you know except the one you love, the one you gave it all up for as well as his child.

New town, you know no body. Mundane monotonous routines of everyday life are nothing like the highs or lows for that matter, that you remember.

As far as I can read into your questioning why he doesn't want to have a little fun?

Did he not already decide a long time ago that he does not want to do drugs anymore, why do you want to change him to conform to your idea of fun?
In his mind he has a child to look after first and foremost, yes you are married but that's his first born child.

For what reason did he need to move away, why did he choose this place or was it work related?

I think you need to distinguish between the concept of what a fun time is and what a fun time with drugs is.

I think more than anything though, you need to question why your concept that drugs being main outlet of fun and they seem to take precedence over maintaining a healthy relationship with your husband and family.

IMO, you are holding onto a party life that never was, rather than the beautiful family that you seem to have.

You are only 22, you life is definitely not over; 22 is still a very young person in this big confusing world we all live in.

Unfortunately nothing is easy.


I can only read into your situation by as much as what you can get onto a page of writing.


I don't have any real advice, but maybe you need to do some soul searching.
You started an adult life with a step child at a young age, then had a best friend whom you were dating commit suicide while they were your rebound after your ex and you split.
Then you get on the pin and have no choice back to the one you love but to move away to a new life without the external stimulating life you were used to.

 

[cryan]

Thank you for the input.

Rythmdaddy: What you are describing you do, is basically what we did before, when I said life was perfect. He wants no part of this though. And this is the biggest thing I am struggling with, the idea that in order to appease him I will never be able to go to another party or touch another drug. It's just so boring and depressing. Perhaps I am immature?

LostnFound: We moved basically to get away from the drugs. Also, I am not saying I cant have fun without drugs. These are like two separate issues. The first issue being I am incredibly bored and want to do something fun once in awhile, work hard party harder like we used to and the second being my addiction. Although these two issues certainly do go hand in hand.

I know he said years ago he was done partying, but I just cant let go of it. He has said exactly what you did, about thinking of his child. But why the fuck did it take him two years to "think of his child" in the meantime I fell for a man who ultimately changed and is no longer on the same page as me about life. His daughter was never neglected or put in harms way and we always made sure she had what she not only needed but also wanted, so this only adds fuel to my fire, because I dont see it necessary to have given up having fun when she was very well taken care of.

Perhaps the worst part of all of this is that I know if he allows this oxy thing to happen for our birthdays a whole new type of hell is going to be unleashed, but I have no desire to stop it and feel no remorse for the impending doom. Just one more thing to add to all the fucked up things I have done.

You are right, I DO need to do some soul searching, I need to get my head on straight and stop this. But I dont want to. I want to hold onto the past, my "perfect life". Fuck, I seriously feel like I have a devil and an angel sitting on my shoulders.

 

[cj]

God this is not a good situation at all. I think your addiction is trying to make you rationalize getting back on opiates. I know that sounds like some NA bullshit but do you think that may be the case? I think you need some private 1 on 1 counseling plus the two of you need mariage counseling. Other then this issue how is your relationship with your huspand?

 

[cryan]

No I think you are right about rationalizing. Addictions such a nasty little bitch. Life is just so much brighter when you have opiates in your system, I dono, I guess thats a whole different topic that I could go on forever about. Honestly I've always wished they were prescribed for depression as its always been a struggle for me.

But other than this issue, we literally have no issues. We've always worked so well together. We have our stuff, like financial, but we dont fight about anything we work through it. Shit we dont even fight about this, we just talk about it. We each know how the other feels and come to an agreement. I have a lot of respect for him, as I feel he also does for me. It's not a relationship I want to ever end again.

Just saying that makes me feel so stupid for even considering the rest of this.

 

[lostNfound]

LostnFound: We moved basically to get away from the drugs.

So he actually moved to get away

Also, I am not saying I cant have fun without drugs. These are like two separate issues. The first issue being I am incredibly bored and want to do something fun once in awhile, work hard party harder like we used to and the second being my addiction. Although these two issues certainly do go hand in hand.

I know he said years ago he was done partying, but I just cant let go of it. He has said exactly what you did, about thinking of his child. But why the fuck did it take him two years to "think of his child" in the meantime I fell for a man who ultimately changed and is no longer on the same page as me about life.

His daughter was never neglected or put in harms way and we always made sure she had what she not only needed but also wanted, so this only adds fuel to my fire, because I dont see it necessary to have given up having fun when she was very well taken care of.

Perhaps the worst part of all of this is that I know if he allows this oxy thing to happen for our birthdays a whole new type of hell is going to be unleashed, but I have no desire to stop it and feel no remorse for the impending doom. Just one more thing to add to all the fucked up things I have done.

Self pity, will do nothing for you in the long term.
I think you need to see someone and change your lifestyle habits in order to find excitement in other things if ultimately you feel it's only going to cause damage to yourself. Your thinking all seems so counter productive.

You mean YOU not him

You are right, I DO need to do some soul searching, I need to get my head on straight and stop this. But I dont want to. I want to hold onto the past, my "perfect life". Fuck, I seriously feel like I have a devil and an angel sitting on my shoulders.

It seems to me that you are on your own, when it comes to wanting to get high.

 

[cj]

Your not stupid it sounds like you have had a very rough 2-3 year period. The problem I see is eventually your going to find an opiate connection in your new town and if you are not strong it will be off to the races you know? I think you really need to deal with your addiction now while you have options and your family is still intact.

 

[cryan]

So, lostnfound, it seems you think we should not be together?

Well, I certainly have a lot to consider. I think it helps a lot just to have it hashed out like this even in instances when you know what you need to do, so thank you guys for helping me to do that. I need to get my priorities straight somehow.

 

[User Name Here]

Sorry but you're stuck with the choices you have made now that you have a child and are legally bound to this man (i.e. marriage).

Honestly, I don't want to sound like a bitch (I come off that way a lot on BL but I'm just being honest, not rude) but you can't think about what you want right now. You don't get to think about when you can do drugs anymore now that you have a child. The child is your number one priority, not you. I also subscribe to the belief that parents should be at least making an effort to clean themselves up because it's bad for the child to be around drug use and all the negatives that stem from it. Even if the parents keep their habits in check (and this rarely happens; it's all or nothing most of the time) it's still a bad environment to bring your child up around.

I say kudos to your husband for trying to get himself together. You need to follow his path, push your wants and desires aside, and clean yourself up as well. I'm sorry because I know you probably don't want to hear any of this but it's necessary.

It sucks because you're pretty much still very young yourself (some would even argue a baby; I'm 22 and I still consider myself really young). It's hard for really young people to switch from partying to parenthood in one go, and even when people do manage to make the switch, it doesn't mean it was easy... but like I said before, you don't have the option of partying anymore. Your child comes first and your partying days should be out of the picture at this point. I'm not saying don't have fun but yeah, you don't wanna bring drugs around your babies (even if you don't physically do them near your children you're still on them around your children).

To sum it up: Try to curb your appetite for partying and drugs. It sucks you're so young and you have to do this but you have a child and a marriage now; you don't have a choice. All you can do is work on things and make the best of it. As far as your marriage goes, if it doesn't work out later on down the road, don't continue beating a dead horse. If it's meant to be it'll be, but it honestly sounds like it isn't exactly a flourishing relationship at the moment (although this can definitely change as it sounds like you two get along well in every other way).

I'm sorry you're having a hard time and I wish you and your family luck. Be honest with your man and let him know about your struggles. I'm sure he'll be more than willing to help you through this period as he sounds like he has his life together at this point. Good luck and I hope everything works out for you! Things will get better, I promise.

 

[User Name Here]

Fuck. I keep fucking up these posts. Sorry there are a million in a row from me. Just ignore these. I keep editing the wrong thing/making new posts when I don't mean to/etc.

 

[User Name Here]

So, lostnfound, it seems you think we should not be together?

Well, I certainly have a lot to consider. I think it helps a lot just to have it hashed out like this even in instances when you know what you need to do, so thank you guys for helping me to do that. I need to get my priorities straight somehow.

The fact that you recognize this is really awesome. You can't work through a problem if you don't think you have one, ya know? I think you'll be able to work through all of this with the kind of attitude you have right now.

 

[User Name Here]

Too many posts by accident.

 

[Khadijah]

Cryan plz PM me. I got a story very. verrrry similar to yours. been thru the "
person i love most in my life an woul die for, but somehow i just cant seem to stop shootin dope for him" story. Complete with dead friend and all. Of course I also got some "gettin busted after wiretap investigation and countdown to prison" , "homeless on the run from the folks who threaten to kill me' and overdosin and almost dyin in grimey apartment stair wells thrown in to the story. Along with the fool-ass move of bringing my love onto the needle with me...he had been soo against it an finally consented to o it an ended up shootin half a brick a day with me , right down on the bottom with me which is where i had been but knowin that i made him be there with me was the worst feeling.....And so much more.....But it aint somethin i really feel like goin all out into in here....So hit me up. I can help you. I think . if nothin else I can talk to u on the level.


ps tho--we really happy an together stronger than ever now....u can get thru it....

 

[cryan]

Thanks for the bit of hope Lacey, I did PM you back and am anxious to hear what you have to say.

Everyone else, I've been telling myself getting fucked up is not an option, and the desire is much much less but I still haven't worked up the nerve to cancel our birthday plans. >.<

 

[thujone]

this reminds me of a bit from trainspotting..

I chose not to choose life. I chose somethin' else. And the reasons? There are no reasons. Who needs reasons when you've got heroin?

you say that opiates make life brighter but that really just means your life isn't living up to your expectations. doing more drugs will never fix that problem. i hate to be cliché but drugs are just a bandage solution to a problem you don't have the guts to confront head-on.

forget this "i'm still young" shit because what you need now more than ever is to grow up and be mature.

 

[n3ophy7e]

Okay, this thread doesn't belong in Second Opinion because it's specifically pertaining to drugs and drug use. I'm going to move it over to The Dark Side because there are a lot of people in there who can give you first-hand advice for your situation cryan.

Good luck!

 

[FormerPianoMan]

Please don't think ME a bitch, either. Run your ass to NA and stop partying. In about 18 years, you can party all you can stand, but do not EVER bring a minor child into this situation.

You have to get clean and stay clean for the child's sake. I know you don't want to, but what alternate "harm reduction" method can you logically propose?

Start seeing a psychiatrist who specializes in treating addictions and attend Narcotics Anonymous meetings on a regular basis, please.

With love, FPM

 

[Draigan]

Well written! I jumped face fucking first into my "youth." There was nothing I wouldn't do if it sounded fun. Eventually I wound up a miserable junky who was sick as fuck. It wasnt really all that great to be honest. Sure it was exciting, but it wasnt like I felt all young at heart or anything. I kind of think this is the type of thing you are talking about doing? Basically I was just selling drugs and partying constantly for the past 3 years.

Fun...sure, painful -yES! Youthful feeling? GOD NO!!

Your not missing much. You have your whole life ahead of you.. You can go on trips, go out to clubs, make things, do whatever you want really...

I don't think your a good match for your bf... He seems a little slow paced for you.

 

[ech0s85]

i think the only real thing you fucked up on was having a kid. that one is irreversible and life changing no matter what you come to realize in the future. It seems to me like you wanted to get back to the perfect times you had so bad that you failed to realize that things were different and ended up making some serious choices to try and force it to change.

Marrying him so he cant leave you and having a kid to feel like part of his family were probably not the wisest choices.

But the only way to learn is to make mistakes.