• 🇬🇧󠁿 🇸🇪 🇿🇦 🇮🇪 🇬🇭 🇩🇪 🇪🇺
    European & African
    Drug Discussion

    Welcome Guest!
    Posting Rules Bluelight Rules
  • EADD Moderators: Pissed_and_messed | Shinji Ikari

The Joke Thread

Status
Not open for further replies.
Q: Why did the blonde have bruises around her bellybutton?
A: Because her boyfriend's blonde, too.

Three men and a woman are stranded on a deserted island.
After a week, the woman is so ashamed at what she's been doing she kills herself.
After another week, the men are so ashamed of what they've been doing... they bury the woman.
After another week, the men are so ashamed of what they've been doing... they dig her up again.

How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex?
Phone her.

Those 15 Iranian hostages consisted of 14 men and 1 woman.
Doesn't take a genius to figure out who was reading the map does it!
 
Here is the best Tee Shirt decoration seen at the recent Port Fairy Folk Festival


JOHN HUNT IS A COWARD
 
Little Johnnie

Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was
invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnnie 's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.

Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.

When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."

The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie."

Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a >cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"

"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."

"That's great", said Little Johnnie, "coz he'd be f*cked if he needed glasses".
 
AND........ they reproduce!

I walked into a Blimpie's with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free". "They're already buy-one-get-one-free", she said, "so I guess they're both free". She handed me my free sandwiches and I walked out the door.

They walk among us and many work retail.

===================

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and said, "Where?"

They walk among us!

====================

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."

They walk among us!!

====================

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told her, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." She responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."

They walk among us!

====================

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.

They walk among us!

====================

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now ," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"

They walk among us!

====================

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."

Yep, they walk among us!

===================

AND........ they reproduce!
 
If you saw Steve Irwin in a pub what would he be doing?

Decomposing.
======================================================
Paul McCartney was being interviewed about his marriage problems. The interviewer asked "Do you think you will ever go down on one knee again"?

He replied "I'd prefer it if you'd call her Heather"
======================================================
A father is in the bath with his three year-old son.
Child: Daddy, why is my willy different to yours?
Father: Well son, yours isn't erect
 
'Daddy Daddy, why do I keep walking in circles'?
'Shut the fuck up, son, or I'll nail your other foot to the floor'
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jewish guy on his deathbed, talking to his wife-
'Sonia, Sonia, you stood by me when business was bad'...
'I'm your wife, I stand by you'
'Sonia, Sonia, when the warehouse burnt down, you stood by me'
'I'm your wife, I stand by you'
'Sonia, when we were robbed and lost everything, you stayed with me'
'Solly, I'm your wife!;
'Sonia... your a fucking Jonah'
 
Deathrow558 said:
A father is in the bath with his three year-old son.
Child: Daddy, why is my willy different to yours?
Father: Well son, yours isn't erect
Click to expand...

BAHAHAHAHAHAHHAA. Class mate, class.




What do you call a black guy flying a plane?



A pilot you racist!
 
Liverpool FC

Rafa Benitez sent scouts out around the world looking for a new striker to replace Djibril Cisse and hopefully win Liverpool the Premiership. One of the scouts informs him of a young Iraqi striker who the he thinks will turn out to be a superstar. Benitez, the Liverpool manager flies to Baghdad to watch him and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Anfield on trial.

Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Manchester United with only 20 minutes left to play. Resigned to defeat, the manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation, scores 5 in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. The Kop go ballistic, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the pitch he phones his Mum to tell her about his first day in English football.

"Hello Mum, guess what?" he says, "I played for 20 minutes today. We were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everyone loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me."

"Wonderful," says his Mum, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed & beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, all whilst you were having a great time."

The young lad is very upset, "What can I say Mum, but I'm SO sorry."

"Sorry!" says his mum, "Sorry! Sorry ! I should bloody think so......

It's your fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place....”
 
michael barrymore was asked if he was doing panto this year, "no" he replied " i did alladin 6 years ago and ive never heard the laSt of it"
 
xtcxtc said:
Rafa Benitez sent scouts out around the world looking for a new striker to replace Djibril Cisse and hopefully win Liverpool the Premiership. One of the scouts informs him of a young Iraqi striker who the he thinks will turn out to be a superstar. Benitez, the Liverpool manager flies to Baghdad to watch him and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Anfield on trial.

Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Manchester United with only 20 minutes left to play. Resigned to defeat, the manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation, scores 5 in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. The Kop go ballistic, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the pitch he phones his Mum to tell her about his first day in English football.

"Hello Mum, guess what?" he says, "I played for 20 minutes today. We were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everyone loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me."

"Wonderful," says his Mum, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed & beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, all whilst you were having a great time."

The young lad is very upset, "What can I say Mum, but I'm SO sorry."

"Sorry!" says his mum, "Sorry! Sorry ! I should bloody think so......

It's your fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place....”
Click to expand...

Brilliant!!
 
hrm cant be arsed to see if its already been posted but this is the sickest dead baby joke i've heard:


what do you call something bright red and screaming?
a peeled baby with salt poured on it.


hahaha sick.
 
AmorRoark said:
there's no joke here

i'm drunk on schnappssssssssss

and watching extras

i feel this is the closest i'll ever get to european humor

am i right?

OMG
Click to expand...

Yeah, you're right..I think I heard Ricky Gervais use that in his stand up.
 
Whats yellow and dangerous?
Shark infested custard

Whats red and stands in the corner?
A naughty fire engine

Whats the difference between yours grans cunt and a bowling ball?
If you really had to you could eat a bowling ball

What goes Click "is that it?" Click "is that it?"
A blind man doing a rubiks cube

Two cows in a field, one says to the other "so what you think about this mad cow disease then?
"I dunno", the other replies... "I'm a fucking duck"




I'm going......
 
The height of sick jokes....

what does a baby sound like in a blender?
Dunno i was to busy w***king

how u make a little girl cry twice?
wipe ur blood stained cock on her teddy bear

whats worse than snapping a little girls rib?
snapping her pelvis


(I do not approve of these jokes in any way shape or form, I was told these last week)
 
I dont know if these have been done, I cant be arsed looking


q) whats yellow and mows the lawn?
a) mind your own business he's my nigger i'll paint him whatever colour I want

q)why do black men have nightmares?
a)Cause we killed the last fucker who had a dream

q)whats the difference between Madeline Mcann and the Pope?
a)The pope's still a virgin

q)Mcdonalds are going to build a franchise on top of the twin towers, what are they going to call it?
a) A fly-thru

q) Why do you put a baby in a blender feet first?
a) So you can finish coming in its mouth

Renault are making a new car, its very luxurious and has loads of space in the boot.......thats called the Renault McCann
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top