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  • EADD Moderators: Pissed_and_messed | Shinji Ikari

The Joke Thread

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What's big, long & hard when erect and makes a woman moan like f**k ?























An ironing board.
 
A duck walks into a pub

and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich.

The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".


"I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.


"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.


"I see your ears are working", says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?".


"Certainly", says the landlord, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?".

"I'm working on the building site across the road", explains the duck. Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.

This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him, "You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!".

"Sounds marvellous", says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call".

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the landlord says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!".

"Yeah?", says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?".

"At the circus", says the landlord.

"The circus?", the duck enquires.

"That's right", replies the landlord.

"The circus?.

"Yes"

"That place with the big tent?".

"Yeah"

"With all the animals?".

"Of Course"

"With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle", asks the duck.

"That's right!", says the landlord.









The duck looks confused. "What the f*ck would they want with a
plasterer?".
 
A rabbit walks into a bar and he is starving!

He asks the barman if there is any food;

The barman replies; "errrm, I've got nuts but we don't serve food I'm afraid."

The rabbit protests; "But I'm STAAAARVING!!! and I'm allergic to nuts!!! Please you must have something!?!"

The barman has a kind heart and decides to help out the poor starving rabbit; "I'll ask the mrs if she can whip something up for you mate."

After speaking with his wife the barman says to the rabbit; "She'll do you a toastie if you like, ham or cheese."

"Joy!" the rabbit shrieks with rabbity excitement! "Now which to choose... What would you recommend?"

"Well both are good" says the barman.

"hmmmm... I'll have cheese then please, I am a fan of dairy. But can I try the ham another day?" says the rabbit.

"Of course!"replies the barman.

So the next day the rabbit returns for his ham toastie and thinks it is just as good as the cheese one; "WOW! that was amazing!" exclaimed the rabbit.

"Any chance I can have anotherone tomorrow please? I've got no more food left after they closed the lettuce farm..."

The barman is hesitant at first but his wife takes pity on the rabbit and insists that he come back for a toastie everyday.

The rabbit is overcome with emotion, "NO ONE HAS EVER BEEN SO KIND!! Thank you so much, I'll do something to make it up to you I promise!!"

So the next day the rabbit returns for his daily toastie; "Which flavour would you like?" says the barman.

"Oooooh! I can't decide I like both equally!!" says the rabbit.

"Could I have a half and half please?"

"Sure!" says the barman.

The rabbit munches happily on his toastie then promptly dies.

At the gates of rabbit heaven rabbit St Peter enquires as to how the rabbit (lets call him Steve) died.

"Mixing my toasties" says Steve






ithankyou :)
 
Its a disease rabbits get.

Fans of the great Irish humourist Flann O brian/Myles na Gcopaleen will recognise it as a Keats and Chapman moment. While I am on the subject I implore anyone reading this to read The Third Policeman his comic masterpiece, even Graham Greene was in awe.
 
There is a Bar in Calumpang who have has a Horse and they have a contest of it. Whoever will make the horse laugh will win £5,000 and free drinks.

So a man walks in and the Bartender looks at him and he ask for a beer and he ask the Bartender about the contest.

The Bartender tells him that whoever makes the horse laugh will win £5,000 and free beer on the house.

So this guy whisper something to the horse and the horse rolls over and laughing!!!

EEEEEEeeeeeeehhhh!!!

He takes the £5,000 from the Bartender, drinks a lot of beer.

As he is about to leave the Bartender ask him, “Will you be back tomorrow when we’ll have a new contest?” The guy replies” Of course this is easier money than my career.”

So the next night. The guy walks into the Bar with a large smile and reads the sign next to the Horse:

Whoever makes the Horse cry will win £10,000 and free beer from the house. The Bartender tells the guy,” Let me see you win this one.”

The guy approaches the Horse and shows him something. The Horse starts rolling on the ground and crying.

When the guy goes to claim his prize. The Bartender says. ” Before I pay you, You have to tell me what you did to the horse?”

The guy lights a cigarette and says,” Easy the first time, I told the Horse that my penis is larger than his, the second time I showed him “.
 
hold on a second, why is a landlord serving drinks? i mean the duck part i can understand but what?
 
A couple of pilot jokes that were sent to me:


In an infamous true story, an SR-71 Blackbird was flying over Los Angeles airspace and contacted the Air Traffic Controller and requested clearance to 60,000ft. The incredulous controller replied with some disdain in his voice, "How do you plan to get to 60,000ft?"

The Pilot of the SR-71 cooly replied "We don't plan to go up to it, we plan to go down to it", after which he was cleared.



Iranian Air Defence: "Unkown aircraft, advise you are in Iranian airspace. Please identify yourself"
Aircraft: "This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace"
Iranian Air Defence: "You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace, we will launch aircraft to intercept you"
Aircraft:"This is United States Marine Corp F/A-18. Send 'em up, I am waiting"
Iranian Air Defence: <no response and total silence>
 
Whats the difference between a prostitute & a drug dealer ?

NSFW:
A prostitute can wash her crack out and sell it again =D
 
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