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The Joke Thread

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A Hooker in LasVegas

A guy is walking the strip in Las Vegas and a fantastic-looking Vegas hooker catches his eye.

He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?"
The Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."
The guy says,"$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Holy crap! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"
The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"
"Yes."
"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"
"Yes."
"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"
"Yes."
"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."

So the guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try."
They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he has just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500.

He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"
The hooker replies, "$1,500."
"I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"
The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500."

The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so and says, "Sign me up."

Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth, so he decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"

The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us: All those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and shows?

"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"

NSFW:
"No" the hooker replies, "but I would... if I had a pussy."
 
I thought it was great haha. Although, I predicted the punchline by the last couple of sentences. I shall definitely steal that one.
 
Following the recent earthquake in Haiti, the local TV channel has launched a new comedy show where people come on and do impressions of witchdoctors. It's called Who Do Voodoo.
 
i know how those poor buggers in haiti feel...last time i had 30 aftershocks i couldna find my fffffing house either.
 
Bloke walks into a brothel and says " I'm a bit kinky, how much for total humiliation?"
The Madam replies £37.50
He replies " wow, what do I get for that? "
She says " A fucking England top"
 
There's another great one that was going around after the USA Game, but isnt as topical now...


"Today Robert Green faced over 100 shots in practice, without conceding a goal"

"Tommorow, Green and Heskey will be allowed to train with the rest of the Squad "
 
Why should you never wear russian box shorts?

chernobyl fall-out
 
A rabbit is running happily through a forest...

I'm sure some of you have heard this before, but I saw it on reddit today and figured I'd post it for those that haven't. Made me laugh!


A little rabbit is running happily through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint.
The rabbit looks at the giraffe and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come. Run with me through the forest! You'll feel so much better!"
The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit. Then they come across an elephant doing coke.
So the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come. Run with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!"
The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and coke, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe. The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up.
"Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come. Run with us through the beautiful forest and you'll feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and mauls the rabbit.
The giraffe and elephant watch in horror and look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help you."
The lion answers, "That little bastard! He makes me run around the forest like a fucking idiot every time he's on ecstasy!"​

Original Link
 
Rabbit only finds its true destination in the pot - preferably slow cooked with bacon, red wine, shallots and some prunes.

Lucky bunny eh :)
 
rabbits suck compared to rats, a pet rat is fun and intelligent, a pet rabbit just does fuck all
 
Two poofs at the fair, one says, "Fancy coming on the big wheel ?" "Nah" said his mate ," you go on and i'll watch yer". So the poof goes on the big wheel. After about a minute there is a rumbling and an almighty crash , and the big wheel collapses and falls to the ground. There is screaming and shouting and bits of twisted metal and smoke everywhere .. "Cecil are you alright?" says the poof on the ground , and he runs over to comfort him , he holds him by his neck and whispers in his ear, "Oh Cecil are you hurt ?" Fucking hurt ?"said Cecil, "I went round three times and you never waved once." :)
 
I'm just currently reading A History Of Glue.......I can't put it down.


I've just quit my job at the Helium Balloon Co Ltd........I'm not having them talking to me like that.


I've just been offered the lead part in a mimed version of Oliver Twist......I couldn't ask for more.


The Brittle Bone Society have just rang to offer me a job - £50k + company car. I snapped their fucking hand off.
 
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