Lacey, do you think that your views would be different if you had to goto the clinic each day to get your methadone instead of getting monthly scripts? Like you don't have to deal with the daily hassel of going to the clinic, and being around a lot of people who aren't clean whether it be by doubling up the dose on the sunday take-home, selling done to get dope etc... And if you used to goto the clinic do you remember how you viewed "clean" back then?
I was wondering because over by me they just have 1 methadone clinic I think, maybe two but thats nothing considering the size/population of Long Island. So most people are on suboxone mt. And most of the people on suboxone talk about it kinda like "oh well atleast i'm not on methadone" all high and mighty like their above that or somehow better than people on done.
My view is that people on methadone or suboxone maintainance are in the process of getting clean, even when taking it as directed. It's not a bad thing at all IMO, and it is positive step to say the least. I posted here earlier saying how my view had changed after I weaned off of the suboxone after almost 2 years on it. Like my mind felt a lot clearer once I was off of it and my life got somewhat better. I failed out of a college, and didn't care on suboxone. Don't get me wrong, the suboxone made it hard to learn sometimes which contributed to shitty grade. But once I was off it I went to community college, did really well and then went back away to school where I care a lot more and continued doing really well. Part of this was obviously from me maturing and wanting to finish up college, but another part of it was def from being off of the suboxone and having more of a clean mindset. Thats why I feel like my time on suboxone was just part of the process of getting clean, but not quite there.
Interesting question yo.
I use to go to a clinic, matter fact. When I was in the clinic i considered myself as clean as I am now. I was there before I found out that there was a Dr in the area that was sympathetic to former addict pain patients. He would prescribe methadone , knowing its less of a fun-to-abuse, valuable to sell drug than other pain meds like oxy, etc. So he helps out people by giving them treatment when they do have legit pain but got the stigma of bein a drug addict making it almost impossible to get pain treatment. Methadone instead of dilaudid or oxy or fent or w/ever, is like a compromise, I really like how he does it and i think its a pretty great thing he doin. But anyways. not tryna get off topic.
When i was in the clinic it wasnt no different than it is now. I never hung around the clinic or made friends with nobody there. I didnt go to no meetings or groups or nothing like that. I just went in, got my dose, I was doin me, you know? If there was ever drug selling or using or people bein shady and sellin their takehomes, etc, I sure as hell never knew about it. I never saw one time of nothing like that happenin. I aint sayin it didnt happen cuz I know lots of clinics got junkies who is using on and off with their done. Just sayin that becuz I was as uninvolved as possible with the program other than goin to get my dose and leaving like 2 minutes after, that I was never around to even be in the "methadone clinic scene" or environment, u feel me?
Anyways.....I have actually been clean before, without using no type of maintenance drugs, i should just put that in there. I started messin with opiates when I was about 14, maybe 13, I cant really remember honestly, I did a lot of shit back then. I used and abused any drug I could and finally got a taste of diesel when I was 16. I kept using it and any other opiates and drugs I could get my hands on for a while. But when I was 17 I used D for the last time and for about a year and a half, maybe 2 years, I didnt touch a opiate. I wasnt on no sub or meth at the time. Just smoked alot of weed, drank sometimes, and had my fun here and there. A e pill once in a while, a night of sniffin coke (I had a generous coke head friend--i never paid for that ish myself. I always hated sniffin coke, waste of time but anyways), you get the idea. I wasnt messin with opiates or using nothing addictively.
Anyways, all during that time, I thought about usin heroin, and other opiates alot. It was a secret fantasy. I had stopped and i told myself i was happy to be done with that shit. Happy to be off it, never again, you know, Im better than that, all that "aint goin back to that" shit, you know the drill. I told myself . But i really, truly would have dreams, fantasies of just bingein out on some bangin diesel....bootin bag after bag , just gettin doped the fuck up....I dont know, I really didnt feel much "clarity" related to my addiction or drug use at all. It was different then, than I am now, so I dont know how much i can compare both. But im just pointin out that I have been clean off dope WITH and WITHOUT maintenance and I like life much better with it.
I have got clean for short periods of time too, like a week , two weeks, with sub taper downs, like a week of sub and then stay clean for a week after, etc a few times thru out the past 4-5 years of opiate& dope addiction....I really never felt better off the meds than on. I always felt much worse.
For me I know as a fact that there is just some type of imbalance, some fucked up functioning in the way my brain works. I was definately self medicating it with diesel. I was lucky enough that I got this shit checked out by a doctor who is a specialist with this type of shit. I went and got a special scan done of my brain, have you ever seen a image like this? :
Its called a spect scan, and by lookin at it doctors can figure out wats goin on in your brain, how its working or not working, where there is problems with how it functions, etc. So to make a long story short, when I got that shit the doctor who looked at it confirmed all that shit I had been thinkin all along. I told her how unsuccessful i had been with suboxone and how miserable i was OFF opiates, even long before i ever used one for the first time, before i ever used any drug at all. For watever reason, opiates worked to correct the shit in my head that wasnt balanced right, the parts of it that wasnt working. When anti depressants are so unpredictable, trial-and-error, and in general can do more harm than good until you find the exact right one, which costs tons of money if you aint got no insurance, and so on, PLUS the fact that I been dealin with untreated pain from work injuries and a car accident--the dr. just said, straight up, she thought methadone treatment was a great idea, kill 2 birds with one stone the pain and the addiction.
In my case i really dont see it as bein a substitute for my addiction or replacing heroin or however you want to say it. I honestly believe that it is the TREATMENT for it, not the maintenance of the addiction. That the methadone is workin for me, and fixes this shit in my brain that ALWAYS been fucked up since day one, and it aint a emotional or psychological problem, its a physical one. However and why ever, the done is a safer alternative to bein on heroin, its predictable, effective, i been usin it so i KNOW it works....Some people might think it sounds crazy but I feel like takin methadone is treatin my problem like takin antibiotics treats a bacterial infection. Not that its a bandaid or a replacement or just a easier way to maintain the addiction but that its actually correcting the problem. Becuz the problem aint the addiction its the causes of the addiction that made me get addicted in the first place. It was just that usin drugs in the way i was doin was not a good way of treatin it, but prescribed medically approved drugs that give the same relief as the relief i was seeking with heroin, actually is fixing the problem. Call it crazy if you want becuz I can see people might think of it that way, but I aint trippin, I know that its how it is for me and thats just me , thats all i can claim to know.
TLDR version of that is that Somethin wasnt right, i tried usin dope to make it right and got addicted. Fixing the shit that wasnt right was as easy as takin a cheap, available drug, that does more than just mask the problems but chemically corrects them since the whole fuckin thing was a result of some kind of biological chemical thing in the first place. i really believe that . When you add that kind of shit , you know , bein pre-disposed to this negative shit, to bad things happenin in life that makes you emotionally depressed or upset on top of the physically depressed, then it is a problem. Work thru those problems the best you know how, treat the physical part with the proper meds and you got a treatment that is working with all the pieces of addiction not just some of them.
I DONT think that methadone works that way for everyone. it depends on the person, and the reasons they use for. the way their mind works, their brain chemistry, tons of shit could make a difference. Im just sayin for me, I dont feel like my mind is cloudy , or less clear. I feel like a better version of myself. In every way I feel like bein on this shit lets me be who I always really been , like it took all the obstacles away that I felt like depression, always needin to feel fucked up from somethin, wantin to escape and get away from everything, all that was how i was before drugs and doin drugs in a twisted way was helpin me deal with it but of course only made it worse becuz of all the shit i got into eventually becuz of gettin addicted. but with the done its like it treats all that mental bullshit and lets me be my actual self.
So I can defiantely see your point or how it made you feel better after gettin off sub. But for me I dont think thats true, and I honestly aint got no desire to get off it. People say do you wanna be on that your whole life. You know they dont say to people who take antidepressants for chemical problems like Bipolar or Schizophrenia, shit that dont get 'cured' by "talking about it' or therapy or changing yourself but shit with a biological cause--Nobody says Oh do you wanna be on that shit your whole life?
The drug allows them to live a normal life, it aint a negative thing. Say to the diabetic, do you really wanna be on insulin for the rest of your life?
Like i said I dont think its that way for everyone. Some people would want to gradually detox and taper off maintenance, some folks only need/want a short time, some longer. But some people they say yo this drug gave me my life back, ITS WORKING--Why WOULD I want to get off it? You know wat? I been thru enough shit at this point. I went thru it. I struggled and suffered. So Yes, i AM totally content to just take this pill and be done with it. I had enough torture of workin thru the shit in my head tryna figure out "why" this that and the third. So it aint a cop out. i did my time, and now , that I got this right here, the ability to be happy and live life the way I want to--Ima take it, and fuck anybody if they think Im better off wastin my life away in a church basement every Monday Wednesday and Friday night for the rest of my life, off methadone and on the "program" becuz thats "real" recovery. Fuckem, I know wat makes me happy, I know wat works for me and I am happy that I found it. Nuff said.
The really TLDR version of that is that consider how for a person with ADD, adderall makes them normal, and it treats their imbalance. And to a person without it, adderall makes them high. I feel like the opiate version of the ADD patient, and the methadone aint gettin me high, aint continuing or replacing or maintaining my addiction, its just the right treatment that keeps shit on point and actually fixes the problem.
The obsession with the drug , whether you using and the obsession is with gettin it, having it, and being on it, or whether you off it and the obsession is with NOT using it--you still obsessed. still addicted .might be technically clean off the drug but you still sure as hell addicted to it even if you aint using, if your life is still all about that drug, only now its about not using it instead of using it. In that case you aint free from the drug at all, so how successful is that really.
