the_ketaman
Bluelighter
So I was in a relationship with the most beautiful and special and unique gentleman until last week.
We were deeply, deeply in the most pure form of love. He made life enjoyable again but at first we were using meth together as I'd been using daily for around 18 months.
Soon we changed our DOC to heroin which was my original drug and from the start I told him I'd never give him any. Eventually he cracked me and we began our joined journey as heroin addicts.
Things became more manageable after getting on buprenorphine. I used to give him his shots as he couldn't do it. Eventually I chose to say that I'd no longer help him to IV meth at all as he had health problems and was 58 and I was beyond terrified of him having a stroke or dying after a shot I'd given him.
I said I'd still help him use heroin as that carries different risks.
Anyway a few weeks ago his nephew committed suicide and I didn't go to th a funeral as his family greatly dislike me.
Anyway a few days go by and I get a msg saying ge won't be back, no other explanation. I tried in every way to get more info but none was answering me. I'm fairly sure he'd started cheating on me too.
For all of this to happen boggles my mind. We were engaged, we were each other's entire lives! We loved each other so fucking much it's unlike any other relationship I've seen other humans have, we were unimaginably close, he knows that I think the world of him.
He healed a lot of my trauma. My self worth issues, some specific insecurities I had with myself. He made me feel special and I treated him with a ton of love and respect. He also suffered unimaginable trauma most of his life. His father was incredibly abusive physically and otherwise, he had very low self worth and was fairly illiterate and lacking many skills other people have. He could talk though and socialise and people love him. He was very inexperienced in parts of sex. He thought he was ugly and not well endowed when in fact he was my incomparably handsome and beautiful man and he was very beautifully well endowed and thinking about his penis going into someone else and him and them getting pleasure from that is torture. I knew how to please him and now he's having intimate sexual experiences with other people. I truly cannot even begin to be ok or accepting of this. It just hurts far worse than any other thing I've felt in this life. He desires company from elsewhere and now someone else has been able to share intimate and special interactions and thinking of him Cumming as the result of another person's actions is beyond any kind of pain I can tolerate. His cock is mine and mine belongs to him and we only ever kissed and slept with each other. It's actually over.
It's as if he hates me now. How can someone go from saying they will never leave you no matter what to AWOL.
I'm certain he's slept with other men now and so have I to fill in the empty space everywhere and in my heart. So if he contacted me I feel this has wrecked how I'd see him and Visa versa.
This man was all I ever wanted and all I needed. I'm 35, he's 59. He was for 100% sure the love of my life and everyone is shocked.
I don't know how to process this. I have been trying to push myself to commit suicide, I honestly don't want to live anymore and I'm sure of that. I don't want to wake up without him, I don't want to go the rest of my life knowing I'll never hug him again. And picturing him having sex and kissing other men is going to destroy my mind.
So I've been using drugs heavily. Meth, benzos and heroin. And when this cycle of use ends I don't want to keep on living. I am absolutely scattered and miss him more than anything. He Waa everything. And now he's off loving other people and I can't cope at all with any of it.
How am I supposed to recover from this?
I know some will say it will take time but it will happen but I'm not sure they understand how incredibly real and how unique our relationship was. I just want him in bed with me here so I can tell him how much I love him and hold him while the morning rain pours.
Instead he's likely been in bed with someone else, with his dick in someone else and been kissing someone else.
He's gone, he's not coming back, and there's nothing that will make my life have quality in any amount ever again. I don't want this existence. I want him or nothing.
There's more to all of this, he was the only person alive that I've ever fully trusted, who I've loves so deeply, who I cared about so much, I told him every single thing I've never told others. We shared the most unique bond that can't be replicated.
My life will never be anything close to how it was and without him I'm ready to depart.
Something caused this, I have no idea what and never will but there's a reason he's left me and whatever it is, it's bad enough that he won't have any contact at all with me.
My next step is a large overdose of Benz's and heroin. Life in this much pain is not what I want nor can I actually withstand it. I'm just about ready to end it and say goodbye.
I need him and he's not coming.
To the universe- Ray I love you with every part of my being. Your my hero, my saviour, the man I find so beautiful, handsome and sexy. Making love to you was a truly magical thing. We shared a huge amount of quality time together, we taught each other, you prioritised me in a way that made me feel like "your special little man" as you called me. And you were my Ray of sunshine.
You gave me all that I needed and I had no doubts as to whether the love you had was as true as mine.
You idolised me for years. Until such an abrupt parting and I simply am unable to live my life without unmeasurable pain and misery and horrible thoughts that unfortunately are likely reality.
You healed me but you left me so dependent on your love and your presence that I just can't do this without you.
I really think I'm not far away from ending my life and tbh I really, desperately want that unless he was to return but he won't.
I would like to hear people's thoughts but don't waste your energy on trying to change My mind as I'll ignore it. I doubt most of you are able to comprehend this situation as you haven't seen us. I'll post my favourite picture of us.
He treated me like a king and I did my best.
I'm not angry with him, I don't know how I feel other than sad he couldn't talk and work this out with me.
He will probably be horrified if he finds out I've passed but he will live. He needs to do life how it feels right for him and for some reason he stopped loving me.
I hope we meet in the afterlife. I love you, adore you, miss you, I'm grateful, I'm honoured, I feel lucky and special you chose me, you are the most overwhelmingly perfect thing that has ever happened to me and you are a perfect man. The love you gave to me changed my life drastically and none can ever compare.
Ray you are my soul mate and the man I'll die loving with every ounce of my heart. Thankyou for coming into my life and giving it so much value and positivity. Don't forget me
We were deeply, deeply in the most pure form of love. He made life enjoyable again but at first we were using meth together as I'd been using daily for around 18 months.
Soon we changed our DOC to heroin which was my original drug and from the start I told him I'd never give him any. Eventually he cracked me and we began our joined journey as heroin addicts.
Things became more manageable after getting on buprenorphine. I used to give him his shots as he couldn't do it. Eventually I chose to say that I'd no longer help him to IV meth at all as he had health problems and was 58 and I was beyond terrified of him having a stroke or dying after a shot I'd given him.
I said I'd still help him use heroin as that carries different risks.
Anyway a few weeks ago his nephew committed suicide and I didn't go to th a funeral as his family greatly dislike me.
Anyway a few days go by and I get a msg saying ge won't be back, no other explanation. I tried in every way to get more info but none was answering me. I'm fairly sure he'd started cheating on me too.
For all of this to happen boggles my mind. We were engaged, we were each other's entire lives! We loved each other so fucking much it's unlike any other relationship I've seen other humans have, we were unimaginably close, he knows that I think the world of him.
He healed a lot of my trauma. My self worth issues, some specific insecurities I had with myself. He made me feel special and I treated him with a ton of love and respect. He also suffered unimaginable trauma most of his life. His father was incredibly abusive physically and otherwise, he had very low self worth and was fairly illiterate and lacking many skills other people have. He could talk though and socialise and people love him. He was very inexperienced in parts of sex. He thought he was ugly and not well endowed when in fact he was my incomparably handsome and beautiful man and he was very beautifully well endowed and thinking about his penis going into someone else and him and them getting pleasure from that is torture. I knew how to please him and now he's having intimate sexual experiences with other people. I truly cannot even begin to be ok or accepting of this. It just hurts far worse than any other thing I've felt in this life. He desires company from elsewhere and now someone else has been able to share intimate and special interactions and thinking of him Cumming as the result of another person's actions is beyond any kind of pain I can tolerate. His cock is mine and mine belongs to him and we only ever kissed and slept with each other. It's actually over.
It's as if he hates me now. How can someone go from saying they will never leave you no matter what to AWOL.
I'm certain he's slept with other men now and so have I to fill in the empty space everywhere and in my heart. So if he contacted me I feel this has wrecked how I'd see him and Visa versa.
This man was all I ever wanted and all I needed. I'm 35, he's 59. He was for 100% sure the love of my life and everyone is shocked.
I don't know how to process this. I have been trying to push myself to commit suicide, I honestly don't want to live anymore and I'm sure of that. I don't want to wake up without him, I don't want to go the rest of my life knowing I'll never hug him again. And picturing him having sex and kissing other men is going to destroy my mind.
So I've been using drugs heavily. Meth, benzos and heroin. And when this cycle of use ends I don't want to keep on living. I am absolutely scattered and miss him more than anything. He Waa everything. And now he's off loving other people and I can't cope at all with any of it.
How am I supposed to recover from this?
I know some will say it will take time but it will happen but I'm not sure they understand how incredibly real and how unique our relationship was. I just want him in bed with me here so I can tell him how much I love him and hold him while the morning rain pours.
Instead he's likely been in bed with someone else, with his dick in someone else and been kissing someone else.
He's gone, he's not coming back, and there's nothing that will make my life have quality in any amount ever again. I don't want this existence. I want him or nothing.
There's more to all of this, he was the only person alive that I've ever fully trusted, who I've loves so deeply, who I cared about so much, I told him every single thing I've never told others. We shared the most unique bond that can't be replicated.
My life will never be anything close to how it was and without him I'm ready to depart.
Something caused this, I have no idea what and never will but there's a reason he's left me and whatever it is, it's bad enough that he won't have any contact at all with me.
My next step is a large overdose of Benz's and heroin. Life in this much pain is not what I want nor can I actually withstand it. I'm just about ready to end it and say goodbye.
I need him and he's not coming.
To the universe- Ray I love you with every part of my being. Your my hero, my saviour, the man I find so beautiful, handsome and sexy. Making love to you was a truly magical thing. We shared a huge amount of quality time together, we taught each other, you prioritised me in a way that made me feel like "your special little man" as you called me. And you were my Ray of sunshine.
You gave me all that I needed and I had no doubts as to whether the love you had was as true as mine.
You idolised me for years. Until such an abrupt parting and I simply am unable to live my life without unmeasurable pain and misery and horrible thoughts that unfortunately are likely reality.
You healed me but you left me so dependent on your love and your presence that I just can't do this without you.
I really think I'm not far away from ending my life and tbh I really, desperately want that unless he was to return but he won't.
I would like to hear people's thoughts but don't waste your energy on trying to change My mind as I'll ignore it. I doubt most of you are able to comprehend this situation as you haven't seen us. I'll post my favourite picture of us.
He treated me like a king and I did my best.
I'm not angry with him, I don't know how I feel other than sad he couldn't talk and work this out with me.
He will probably be horrified if he finds out I've passed but he will live. He needs to do life how it feels right for him and for some reason he stopped loving me.
I hope we meet in the afterlife. I love you, adore you, miss you, I'm grateful, I'm honoured, I feel lucky and special you chose me, you are the most overwhelmingly perfect thing that has ever happened to me and you are a perfect man. The love you gave to me changed my life drastically and none can ever compare.
Ray you are my soul mate and the man I'll die loving with every ounce of my heart. Thankyou for coming into my life and giving it so much value and positivity. Don't forget me
Last edited:
