• ✍️ WORDS ✍️

    Welcome Guest!

  • Words Moderators: Shambles

the fall

brothermarcus

brothermarcus

Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 30, 2003
Messages
1,896
Location
yohio
puddles jump out of my way
fearing the look on my face
individual drops flee the stomp of my stride
then fall back into their pools behind my back
i walk with a damp paper bag in hand
filled with sweet-smelling mangoes
wearing a distressed secondhand grey wool suit
a beige overcoat, a felt hat
my white knuckles grip the bag on one hand
an umbrella on the other
fading shadows my only companion

a gentle cough escapes my mouth
a gentle tear escapes my eye
a gentle sigh lingers in my mind

as i round the corner to my house
i lean against the metal fence, lay the umbrella down
grab on to the rails as i slide down sobbing
my legs give way and i'm on the ground
a moment of crisis shared with the falling leaves
i lose track of the bag in my hand
mangoes spill out into the street
their vibrant color collides with the dark red bricks
a white nose sticks through the fencerow
something cold on my neck, a warm snort behind me
as the neighbor's dalmation licks me, scratches at my back

a broken dream still wants to be whole
a broken life still needs repair
a broken man saunters home
 
great, the imagery you used is amazing, also i like how you tried to stay away from cliches, post more!
 
Very impressive!!

I like the repetition of words in the short segments. Good choice of descriptive language... it sets the scene very well. Nice structure.

Big thumbs up on this one :) :)
 
brothermarcus said:

a gentle cough escapes my mouth
a gentle tear escapes my eye
a gentle sigh lingers in my mind

***********************

a broken dream still wants to be whole
a broken life still needs repair
a broken man saunters home
Click to expand...

*sighs* baby u know i love ur work and this peice was so visual that it made my heart ache :)
 
im not sure if anyone else will be able to see it but the first few lines reminded me of william carlos williams. might have been the mangoes but the poem im thinking about he talked about plums. i guess in that case it was the awesome imagery. post some more brothermarcus, i want to read some more of your paintings.
 
Words always draws me in on a friday night alone. Reading old favourites and remembering people who I never knew yet knew so much about is somehow such a lovely way to pass the time :)

I still like this piece!
 
grey kat said:
great, the imagery you used is amazing, also i like how you tried to stay away from cliches, post more!
Click to expand...

Exactly... this is great stuff!

I can definitely see the WCW comparison too, especially in the two longer stanzas. "No ideas but in things" (especially wheelbarrows full of fruit!). ;) The tercets, however, are more lyrical / bardic.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top