The EADD I'm Fucked Megathread v. To get drugged, or to not get drugged.

[Eveleivibe]

Yea that's right. I'm glad you're going back to your drugs support. I think that's a sensible decision.

And yes my behaviour is self-destructive on here but seriously what can I do about it? I tell people i've an issue with getting addicted to forums, become obsessed, petrified of loss n no one takes me seriously. In fact I wasn't taken seriously until I became addicted to codeine n then I almost lost my family to get help for that.

My addictions/obsessions totally take over my life n I've no clue how to change it because I'm petrified of loss, really petrified of it. I don't mean of people dying I mean of losing anything that's important to me. And if I'm threatened with losing something that matters I'll cling on hard to it beyond all else.

Example when i was with my ex I'd visit him weekends. I'd feel scared of never seeing him again I'd just end uo completely emotional. And when it DID end it was like a complete grief beyond all else for two full years. He moved on within a week while I still pined for him n was like my whole world crumbled. I had the EXACT feeling when codeine was taken away - complere loss n grief.

Yet I try n explain this to people n they just laugh. So I think maybe I'm over-reacting n there's nothing wrong at all because nobody else thinks so. And if there was surely it would have been picked up.

I didnt do well in jobs either. The first one i was stressed, cried a lot, hated n feared confrontation n just obsession worked through lunch n breaks - fearing I'd be sacked. I spent the whole time scared I'd be sacked from that job that I constantly asked for reassurance that it wouldn't happen.

Next job i never got on with anyone, was completely useless, would mess up n gget defensive over it. Some woman who HATED me (jealousy i think because I was given equipment from Access to Work; video magnifier etc, whereas when she lost sight for a few months she had to take sick leave n knew nothing of Access to Work) she and another colleague deviced a table of all my mistakes, put it on the central index where ALL employees could see it. I couldn't someone could be so hateful n I was scared of losing that job.

I got even with her over that. I talked some girl who despised her, acted upset, told her about it n asked her not to grass, knowing FULLY well she'll grass her up as she was given a golden op to do so n the woman got repremanded by the high us - GOOD. No more than she deserved. Also the bands were changed so she lost £3000 per years. Karmas a bitch, I guess plus everyone hated her n the minute she walked in they were lovely to her - extremely two faced.

Never trust colleagues - or friends - they're all out to get you end of tge day. Sad but true.

Evey

 

[BigG]

Mate I can relate to what you're saying so much that its spooky. Remember there are many recruitment agencies and you don't have to just stick to the same one. Ideal jobs don't just fall into ones lap, you need to do the research and planning but that can in itself make a shit job bearable as you know you're only doing it while you prepare for what you really want to do. Its when your stuck doing something you hate and you can't see any end or change in sight that makes it interminable. Some people are better in putting up with that than others but I never was. The temptation to use something to make the time go faster or whatever can be overwhelming when you're unhappy but as you've found it has such a negative impact on your work performance its unsustainable. Its so hard thought to perform well at something you hate. I would often look around at my colleagues and think....Jesus, how do you do this shit?

The temptation to pull a Sickie when in all honesty you could make it in is sometimes overwhelming too. I'm not saying that you would phone sick for no reason but if you were about to leave the house for something you really wanted to do versus going to a hated job often you could find a way. I'm speaking about my own experiences here as I don't know the exact details of yours and am not one to judge anyway. The way they look at it, no one should be sick on 3 occasions in such a short period of time and its the number of separate instances that rings alarm bells. For example 5 separate 1 day sickies looks much worse than one whole week off once.

Like I say.....don't worry too much. You sound like a sensible lad and you seem to have a plan for what to do next.

If I can be of any help just message me.

 

[BigG]

Evey - not everyone's out to get you hun. Try not to overanalyze and get too obsessed and take things too personal. You seem like a nice lass deep down and I sympathise with the problems you mention immensely. Have you ever thought of seeking any help with dealing with the emotions you describe?

They're a lot to handle on your own without help.

 

[BigG]

Evey - not everyone's out to get you hun. Try not to overanalyze and get too obsessed and take things too personal. You seem like a nice lass deep down and I sympathise with the problems you mention immensely. Have you ever thought of seeking any help with dealing with the emotions you describe?

They're a lot to handle on your own without help.

Wish I could say something more help full.

I'm off to bed now.....nite nite.

 

[ColtDan]

Goodnight englandgz

Never trust colleagues - or friends - they're all out to get you end of tge day. Sad but true.

Evey

No they're not. the only sad thing is your paranoid mindset. if everybody thought like that everybody would end up lonely

 

[mydrugbuddy]

Like I say.....don't worry too much. You sound like a sensible lad and you seem to have a plan for what to do next.

If I can be of any help just message me.

Cheers, i think i am generally fairly sensible in most areas of life, apart from one big weakness for drugs. Here sense, and proper long term thinking doesnt come easily. Drugs could ruin my life completely, (immediatly i can sense a competing thought process along the lines of "narh, drugs help, they reduce anxiety in the short trem, and make me feel better immediatly and help the time pass quiker and more enjoyably") unless i start taking proper serious steps to address the issues. Somone pointed out my tendency to rationalise any/all of my drug use. It's true. Im not sure if knowing this will make it easier or more difficult to unravel the thought processes behind all this.

Its this indeciviness, and lack of commitment that drives people spare, i know ive annoyed many an EADDer with it, especially whilst coming off bupe, being in 2 minds about the whole thing, saying i dont want to be addicted whilst at the same time continuing to take it. It also annoyed all the people i saw at my drugs support place, the fundamental question of whether i want to get drugs out of my life or not. And time after time completing some taper or other, only to start the whole process again within a few weeks. Starting off small, gradually the habit escalates until its completely out of control, then i reach a point of "Fuck, i need help to sort this out"

 

[mydrugbuddy]

Goodnight englandgz



No they're not.

yeah agreed, whilst i dont expect to get on with 100% of people 100% of the time, in general that old "what goes around, comes around" cliche applies time and time again. If you, I, or anyone dont get on with someone, we are more likely to get to see the 'dark side' of that persons nature. If we did get on with them, we probably wouldnt see that atall, as they would want to maintain a postive relationship, one of mutual support and understaning. Ive had my experiences of relationships turning sour at work, some of them i was able to turn around, which was immensly satisfying.

The unusual thing about my last job was that my manger had given me no clue whatsoever that my behaviour was obviously annoying him immensly; it all suddenly came pouring out in one massive bollocking/firing. I was caught completely off guard, and was completely shocked. Im sposed to be an adult now, so shouldn't need reminding "you've been late twice this week, watch it as this could spell trouble for you" No one ever said anyhting, which made me feel that i was 'getting away with it, but that was clearly not the case, i was trying to improve on that front. I know that "trying" isnt good enough, there has to be concrete measurable and sustained good performance.

 

[Nicklazz]

Take care MDB.

Im feeling fine as fuck on beers & benzos atm. Last time I hope tho' I do this combo

 

[Eveleivibe]

MDB if it annoys them its THEIR problem - not yours. People should be supportive not judgemental n bringing their feelings into the matter. Addiction is extremely complex n those feelings are normal, MDB. I'm having those feelings. Lots of us are are.

Are you sure that your drugs centre were annoyed or was that your perception / paranoia of the situation? Maybe you were scared of this happening n thus perceived it to be reality?

These people should be patient n empathic - not impatient n annoyed. You are allowed to request another key worker if you feel that your keyworker wasnt helping you.

You also mention having counselling n the counsellor saying "which direction do you want things to go?" Why on earth did you feel that your counsellor no longer wished to work with you? It is the job of the counsellor to 'check in' on how the sessions are going n what the client wishes to discuss.

Evey

 

[mydrugbuddy]

Aye i will do Nick, im not planning on doing anything stupid. No matter how bad things get i always feel that there is some hope, that eventually everything will work out. Ive got the last of this big bag of penterdrone that i bought to finish off, then i'll need to stop fucking around, maybe quit kratom again (though nout sure if im ready fo that just yet) but this would be a good opportunity to wipe the slate clean. Though it is more difficult with long days, without having very much to fill them, in those cases drugs become ven harder to resist.

Enjoy your combo. Although maybe if you didnt enjoy it, it would make it easier for you to quit. Have you ever tried that "antabuse" stuff for alochol, i forget the proper name, but from what i gather if you try drinking on that stuff it makes it very unpleasant indeed.

 

[Eveleivibe]

yeah agreed, whilst i dont expect to get on with 100% of people 100% of the time, in general that old "what goes around, comes around" cliche applies time and time again. If you, I, or anyone dont get on with someone, we are more likely to get to see the 'dark side' of that persons nature. If we did get on with them, we probably wouldnt see that atall, as they would want to maintain a postive relationship, one of mutual support and understaning. Ive had my experiences of relationships turning sour at work, some of them i was able to turn around, which was immensly satisfying.

The unusual thing about my last job was that my manger had given me no clue whatsoever that my behaviour was obviously annoying him immensly; it all suddenly came pouring out in one massive bollocking/firing. I was caught completely off guard, and was completely shocked. Im sposed to be an adult now, so shouldn't need reminding "you've been late twice this week, watch it as this could spell trouble for you" No one ever said anyhting, which made me feel that i was 'getting away with it, but that was clearly not the case, i was trying to improve on that front. I know that "trying" isnt good enough, there has to be concrete measurable and sustained good performance.

Yes because people are backstabbing. I'm not changing this view so dont attempt to change it. Ive been stabbed in the back a lot n if you want to be too trusting well that's up to you but kindly don't judge me on my opinions. I don't appreciate, want or need it.

Thank you.

EVEY

 

[ColtDan]

People should be supportive not judgemental n bringing their feelings into the matter. Addiction is extremely complex n those feelings are normal, MDB. I'm having those feelings. Lots of us are are.

These people should be patient n empathic - not impatient n annoyed.

Yeah in an ideal world yeah they should be, however human nature is far from ideal, you cant say how people should or shouldn't react. surely as an adult you realise that

 

[Eveleivibe]

Yes i should. Its their job n if they're not going to be empathic, non-judgemental then they're in the wrong job.

Evey

 

[hexagram]

feel like I haven't been on EADD so much since moving house, shame.

had an excellent trip a few weeks ago. 230ugs LSD, 250mgs MDMA, 80mgs Ketamine.

chilled in the park in the sun on the acid and md, was lovely. Then when I did the K, god mode activated. Still my favorite thing I've ever done. LSD is still pretty much my drug of choice, but K man. It's climbing up there. So weird and so glorious and so frightening at the same time. A very aquired taste. It's total god powder man.

then did 2mgs of 25i-Nbome the week later. The trip was intense, the visuals were almost overwhelming, the horrific bodyload put me off it, but still, the chemical has potential (and massive danger unfortunately) at higher dosages.

Now, I'm on diclazepam and wine. this is the only benzo I've tried other than etiz (which I know well) and it isn't as nice, not as sedating or euphoric, but still pretty lovely. Lasts a while as well. Anyway this will be my last glass of wine as I have work later, showed up pissed/ stoned/ benzod these past few shifts so need to get my act together a bit.

 

[mydrugbuddy]

MDB if it annoys them its THEIR problem - not yours. People should be supportive not judgemental n bringing their feelings into the matter. Addiction is extremely complex n those feelings are normal, MDB. I'm having those feelings. Lots of us are are.

Are you sure that your drugs centre were annoyed or was that your perception / paranoia of the situation? Maybe you were scared of this happening n thus perceived it to be reality?

These people should be patient n empathic - not impatient n annoyed. You are allowed to request another key worker if you feel that your keyworker wasnt helping you.

You also mention having counselling n the counsellor saying "which direction do you want things to go?" Why on earth did you feel that your counsellor no longer wished to work with you? It is the job of the counsellor to 'check in' on how the sessions are going n what the client wishes to discuss.

Evey

My k/w opnely stated something along the lines of 'weve been here 12 months now, and you are still repeating the same behaviours, do you want to quit or dont you!". This was shortly after Id quit bupe and within about 3 weeks id gone and obtained a huge KG stash of kratom.

With the counsellor i was conscious that the sessions werent going as they were meant to, id ended up using them like i was talking to a friend, about what DVDs id watched in the last week or something. Her job is not to provide pleasant company for people to drop in for a chat, but to help people address the issues that bought them there in the first place. I felt unable to say what direction i wanted things to take from there, and decided that since the sessions were no longer even attempting to address any of my issues then i might as well stop for the moment.

That is one of the weaknesses of Person Centred Counselling, (as you may know having studied Psycholgy) the PCC is not sposed to provide advice or even any suggestions, even though they could help the client towards a solution in a matter of minutes, rather than expecting them to stumble around in the drak, aimlessly, for months on end, as if hopeing somehow by chance they will disover what they want to do, everything is supposed to be up to the client to decide what they want to talk about, and what they want to get out of it. I think i needed a "life coach" rather than a counsellor at that stage, as after about 6 months i had been through all the things that i was prepared to talk about, and couldnt/wouldnt delve any deeper into anything else at that point.

 

[ColtDan]

Sounds like a wicked combo hex.. and ket, especially onto of speed.. one of my fave combos. and agreed on the diclaz, deffo not as euphoric or nice as etiz. infact its probably the least enjoyable benzo i've ever tried. Strong and conks me out though, i use them as a last resort

 

[Eveleivibe]

Yes because it's about helping the client to empower themselves.

Sounds like your keyworker was using tough love with you. After all you were there to come off drugs n by the sounds of it were wasting her time n seemed lije you did not wish to get better, by the sounds of things.

Im not trying to be mean to you with saying this but can I ask why you casually talked to your counsellor instead of working with him / her? Seems that, that was another opprtunity you sabataged.

Why?

Evey

 

[mydrugbuddy]

Yes because people are backstabbing. I'm not changing this view so dont attempt to change it. Ive been stabbed in the back a lot n if you want to be too trusting well that's up to you but kindly don't judge me on my opinions. I don't appreciate, want or need it.

Thank you.

EVEY

Here we go again, another stroppy post full of bad attitude (now that is judgemental) i was just stating my personal experiences and opinions, what you do with that is up to you. Who ever said i was attempting to "change you" or "judge you" That was your perception entirely. It seems impossible to go more than 3 or 4 posts with you before something like this happens. It makes maintaining a friendly good natured 'vitual frienship' very difficult. I dont have the patience for that kind of attitude. I thank you for your kind words, and support, up until this point. But i suspect another flare up is due any minute now.

*****leaves the room*******

 

[Sammy G]

Diclaz has been great for me in minimising my etiz usage, I wasn't really hammering it - only 6mg a day or so - but it's allowed me to break the cycle, and I've only had to redose (half my original dose) once in three days in order to avoid any withdrawal discomfort.

Apart from a few breaks in the summer, I've been abusing this shit since late March. Time to stop.

 

[Eveleivibe]

MDB kindly dont be so arrogant n patronising. I'm not going to bother helping you if you're going to act like this. Get on with it. I've better things to do that talk to someone having a strop because i don't tell you what you wish to hear.

I've had enough of this back n forth with you.

Raas I tried helping him anyway but no more.

Evey