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🌟🌟 Social 🌟🌟 The Dark Side Social Thread v. Darksiders Forever

finally recovered my mental health after that chick fed me lies used me and was cheating the whole time during lockdown. Took a while but i guess time did heal me. Shit broke me. Should trusted my gut instincts from the start the first time i ever met her. Never again will i doubt myself. I knew something was off before we even got together.

Shit led me into a dark path of abusing various drugs that don't even work on me anymore due to my tolerance during that bender to escape my own head. Im sure every one remembers my total melt down on bluelight last year lol i went into full fucking psychosis for a little while. Glad i didn't murder anybody. That 3 month lockdown fucking destroyed who I was. I will never forgive the government for putting me through that lockdown. Fucking motherfuckers. So many people killed themselves in my country due to that lockdown. Way more than covid will ever kill in this country. now 36% of people are mentally fucked in a system that has zero mental health support. Trust me i rung those hot lines and so did my mates throughout the country and those smug fuckers on the over end of phone judged us and treated us like shit and gave us no support.



I have spent some time sober some time not. In the end I think i can see the end of the tunnel and acutally become sober one day. As long as something like that doesn't fuck me up again.

The more time i spend with my freedom back the better i feel.

I moved away and went into recovery for 4 months. The depression was insane, but i did get into a better mental state again.

Through the ashes i was reborn like a phoenix and became stronger mentally.
 
Having a job is never peaceful for me. I am always on edge, so permeable to other people's energies, so eager to please and do right by everyone while internally intolerant to any amount of human bullshit. It's tense and the tension takes an inordinate amount of time to dissipate. Deep self-care is practically untenable however lucid in concept. I have to juggle the second-guessings, playing make-believe accepting my own conditional inability to reach an accepting frame of mind. Emotionally a cornered animal. Holding on tight, hanging by a thread. Living on a prayer, but less proper working class more crypto-obsolete absurdity of corporeal existence.
 
I've been a member for years, mostly a lurker, but recently I've been in a more available place in my life and have been posting a little here and there. I'm a 30 year old guy from a little town on the beach in North Carolina. I needed somewhere to vent so here it goes. I started smoking weed when I was a young teenager, I was a really talented skateboarder so I was always hanging out with the older dudes and it was usually around. I had the easiest childhood, I was really close to my dad who was a local veterinarian and my brother and I were close enough in age that we did a lot of stuff together and I never really had any issues in life until MY family fell apart when I was 14. Long story short, My dad was very suddenly diagnosed with a rare and aggressive lung-cancer (he was a non-smoker). After he died there was no money coming into the family and things got rough. A lot of weight was put on my young shoulders that I wasn't ready to carry. Then I got started getting high more often, it seemed like at least when I was high I could ride my skateboard and listen to music and get through my day without facing the reality that my world was falling apart. My father died of lung cancer when I was 14, my family fell apart without him, and frankly, this shit made me feel better. It's crazy how over the years your drug use that started as a coping mechanism becomes an issue all of it's own. Next thing I know, I found myself in my mid twenties having just graduated college (I got my bachelor's at UNC Asheville in psychology, go figure lol) with a pretty mediocre GPA and no real plans for my future just doing whatever odd jobs I can to get from month to month with enough dope in my veins to keep from getting sick. been an opiate addict for years, probably at least a decade, I first encountered opiates when I was 16 in high school when a buddy came up to me in the hallway and offered to sell me some 80s for 40 a pill. I knew the kid and told 'him I'd buy em all if he gave em to me for 20 a piece. He had like 8 of 'em so 160$ changed hands and they were mine. I'll never forget the first time I did Oxy. I felt like I had found the solution to all the pain I was feeling. Everybody who has been through it knows that honeymoon feeling with dope only lasts so long. I could probably write a book on my whole story so I'll get down to today now that I've given you guys a greatly minimized background.
I've been on suboxone on and off for at least 6 years now? I'm on 8mg tablets every morning right now and yesterday I had an endocrinology appointment. It went alright, I'm a type 1 diabetic and was diagnosed when I was 7 years old, so I have some health issues, and diabetes isn't the only one either. Anyway, at the end of the appointment, the Dr. told me she wanted to do a Kidney screen by running some lab work on a venous blood sample, long story short they wanted to take some blood, Great, I have pretty sever scarring on both arms and I'm a really difficult stick after almost a decade of IV opiate use and I gotta say, I felt like a fucking junky yesterday. Sitting there in that chair knowing I haven't shot dope in years and knowing...."This is what I get" It brought visions flooding into my mind of all the times I shot OCs and dilaudids and Opanas into my veins and what I've done to myself. She said aloud to me "You have some stiff veins huh?", she dug around some more as I tried not to grimace in pain, then she tried another needle and I just sat there while the young phlebotomist dug around in my arm with a thick gauge needle and couldn't get a drop of my blood, then she says "Have you ever had trouble giving blood before?"; "yeah, I sure have", I replied. She ended up leaving to get another phlebotomist and again the whole process repeated itself as a second phlebotomist dug around in my arm for what seemed like another 10 minutes without accessing even a drop of venous blood the entire time. It sucked. I ended up leaving the Dr's office knowing that I needed to have a kidney test done that I couldn't have done because of my scarred and fibrous veins I've developed from years of intravenous drug abuse. I left that appointment yesterday feeling like a junky and I feel like shit right now and I really hope somebody reads this who is thinking about shooting dope for the first time and reconsiders, that's all I can hope for now.- Trey
 
Mjäll said:
Having a job is never peaceful for me. I am always on edge, so permeable to other people's energies, so eager to please and do right by everyone while internally intolerant to any amount of human bullshit. It's tense and the tension takes an inordinate amount of time to dissipate. Deep self-care is practically untenable however lucid in concept. I have to juggle the second-guessings, playing make-believe accepting my own conditional inability to reach an accepting frame of mind. Emotionally a cornered animal. Holding on tight, hanging by a thread. Living on a prayer, but less proper working class more crypto-obsolete absurdity of corporeal existence.
Click to expand...
Are you me tho. Because same.
 
TripSitterNZ said:
no i havent done any hard drugs in many many months. I have been sober as fuck expect for drinking shit loads
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Well that's really good to hear you've taken a good break from the drugs man! <3
Although as you know alcohol can mess with your brain quite a lot....it could explain the intrusive thoughts. Are you feeling any anxiety and/or depression as well?
 
n3ophy7e said:
Well that's really good to hear you've taken a good break from the drugs man! <3
Although as you know alcohol can mess with your brain quite a lot....it could explain the intrusive thoughts. Are you feeling any anxiety and/or depression as well?
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no depression or anxiety at all. Just really fucked up intrusive thoughts sometimes. Ill try quit the alcohol but it keeps getting worse my drinking.
 
TripSitterNZ said:
no depression or anxiety at all. Just really fucked up intrusive thoughts sometimes. Ill try quit the alcohol but it keeps getting worse my drinking.
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Remember that they're just thoughts. They aren't real or even true. Don't believe everything you think. We can't choose not to have them sometimes, but we can always choose to ignore them.


Take care man
 
To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;
To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause: there's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life;
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
The oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,
The pangs of despised love, the law's delay,
The insolence of office and the spurns
That patient merit of the unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin? who would fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscover'd country from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all;
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pith and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry,
And lose the name of action.—Soft you now!
The fair Ophelia! Nymph, in thy orisons
Be all my sins remember'd.
 
nomorebenzos said:
Hey lovlies

I'm really not doing good now

Basically out of alcohol and moneys

FUCK

I'm debating call detox or ambulance

Detox is literally 2 blocks away but half time no beds

I basically want to die rn
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I'm sorry breda :/ sending you love, wish I could do more.
 
Well, tomorrow marks the second anniversary of this thread being a thing, as well as the second Bluelight birthday of the staff member currently known as deficiT.

It's been a lovely couple years since joining Bluelight mod team formally. Well, on Bluelight anyway. My actual life has been in shambles, but I am indomitable and as inevitable as the sunrise, and this universe can't hold my jock strap. So I'm doing everything I can to remain confident, optimistic, and inquisitive; without forsaking the tinge of humility that I drag along with me.

If you read this today or tomorrow, wish me happy BLirthday or something. Sending love to all the Darksiders around the globe 🌎 ❤️🌈
 
deficiT said:
Well, tomorrow marks the second anniversary of this thread being a thing, as well as the second Bluelight birthday of the staff member currently known as deficiT.

It's been a lovely couple years since joining Bluelight mod team formally. Well, on Bluelight anyway. My actual life has been in shambles, but I am indomitable and as inevitable as the sunrise, and this universe can't hold my jock strap. So I'm doing everything I can to remain confident, optimistic, and inquisitive; without forsaking the tinge of humility that I drag along with me.

If you read this today or tomorrow, wish me happy BLirthday or something. Sending love to all the Darksiders around the globe 🌎 ❤️🌈
Click to expand...
Well hell!! HBD brother! 🎂
 
Snafu in the Void said:
To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;
To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause: there's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life;
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
The oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,
The pangs of despised love, the law's delay,
The insolence of office and the spurns
That patient merit of the unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin? who would fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscover'd country from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all;
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pith and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry,
And lose the name of action.—Soft you now!
The fair Ophelia! Nymph, in thy orisons
Be all my sins remember'd.
Click to expand...
Love me some Billy Shakespeare. I once memorized Mercutio's 'Queen Mab' soliloquy from Romeo and Juliet for high school English. Good times!
 
Jerry Atrick said:
Love me some Billy Shakespeare. I once memorized Mercutio's 'Queen Mab' soliloquy from Romeo and Juliet for high school English. Good times!
Click to expand...
I got to play Julius Caesar in the middle school play for the whole school.

Well, you know how the story goes, it was rather, dramatic and beautiful. I can feel them stabbing me now.

E tu, brute?
 
@deficiT

@Snafu in the Void

Thanks for support

Very long day

After original post calld detox, they had no space. Suggested I go to hospital. So I did.

Attending doc knows me lol and my love for downers. He has admitted me to secure medical unit more than once. He scripted me 5mg Diazepam 2-3 daily. Even tho that dose will do nothing I tried going to pharmacy but closed.

Currently sipping some cheap orange cider to tye me over

Will update later on.

<3
 
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