My ex wife contacted me a couple of days ago and said she needs to talk to me.
We had an intense relationship, but it was also super toxic.
When we broke up, she'd just come out of a psych ward after having a psychotic meltdown. We got divorced over the phone.
We've hardly communicated over the past 10 years, until today.
I haven't heard her voice for more than 10 years.
There is a huge time difference so it's early in the morning for her.
She speaks as if she's floating. She talks to me about tarot cards. Her children are getting ready for school in the background.
Then, casually, she tells me the reason for her call. She has cancer.
She tells me she went to a tiny festival in Oregon out in the woods and they made a tunnel out of people's hands and they sang a song about love over and over again for five hours until every person had gone through the tunnel.
She says she wants to try and postpone surgery so she can treat her condition spiritually. I advise against this, knowing there is no point.
She is alone, more or less. Her husband is dead. I feel so sad for her, but - at the same time - I cannot help but feel like I'm time travelling.
She hasn't changed. Her world is so alien to me now.
My ex wife sings the song from the festival in Oregon. Her voice is shaky, here and there. She's good at hiding it, but I know her. I can feel her sadness trembling inside her.
I am not open like that any more, but I'm also not closed like that either. I am no longer left wing. I'm certainly not a hippy anymore... but a part of me envies her, somehow.
I'm not sure what to think. I needed closure but this isn't how I wanted it to happen. I feel compelled to help her, somehow... Offer her support, or something. I'm not going to do that, though.
I have moved on with my life.
I spend the afternoon getting stoned and idly mourning the past.
